gratitude

Dear Baby Girl

Posted on December 31, 2013 Written by Tonya

My first Letters For Lucas post was Dear Baby Boy, a letter I wrote to Lucas before he was born. I wrote this letter when my heart was light and my cares were few. I was bursting in anticipation to meet our son and loved every minute of being pregnant with him. Looking back, I took my entire pregnancy for granted. I was native. I didn’t realize at the time what a miracle getting pregnant and staying pregnant was. A long hard three and half year battle with secondary infertility would teach me what a gift bringing a child into this world truly is.

Our baby girl will be here very soon and I know her arrival is going to be something I will have a hard time putting into words. It’s hard for my brain to go there even now as I feel her slowly move and adjust inside my belly. I can’t wait to meet her and hold her and kiss her and be her mother.

I wrote the following letter on Sunday, December 22 at 3:53 AM, I was 35 weeks pregnant:

Dear Baby Girl,

In just a few short weeks you will be here and I’m feeling surreal, scared and overwhelmingly happy. Finally, after years of trying, years of hoping and wishing and praying for you, you will be here.

My daughter. I never thought I would be the mother of a daughter, but now I can’t wait! It is such a wonderful time to be a woman in this world and I already know what a fighter you are.

You aren’t even here yet and I have fallen madly and completely in love with you and you will never know how much I have dreamt about the day we meet, in fact just thinking about it makes my heart twinge and eyes fill with tears. You are so very wanted and we have been waiting for you for so very long.

This is an exciting time for our family, we just moved into a beautiful new house but I know it won’t be until after your arrival that it starts to feel like a home; that it feels complete.

Your brother is anxious to meet you too and is already very protective of you. I hope the two of you will be the best of friends and that you protect him as well. He is an amazing boy and I know he will be a good big brother to you. Some day when your father and I are gone, he will be all you have left of us. Be there for one another and always be strengthening your relationship.

I know that you and I will have our ups and downs but we are forever bonded as mother and daughter and I will cherish you and our relationship always. May you never ever doubt my love.

Anxiously awaiting your arrival.

With all my love,
your mother

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more.

– A Thousand Years, Christina Perri

(This was my “go to” song so many times throughout this journey to have you and I love the lyrics.)

Worth The Wait

Posted on November 20, 2013 Written by Tonya

Around the fifth month of pregnancy, the “nesting” stage sets in. This uncontrollable urge to clean one’s house and prepare for a new baby includes tying up loose ends and kicking into über organization mode. It’s a burst of energy and can lead to some pretty irrational thinking, or so I’m told. I’m well past this stage and have been fighting it for weeks because I have nothing to nest…. yet (we move this weekend!!).

People, I’m kind of going crazy.

I’m beyond excited to move, but my mind is reeling!!

In fact, my dear sweet husband calmly pointed out recently that I’m not losing it, I’ve lost it.

He’s right.

While I have had the best pregnancy, my hormones are completely out of whack right now and everything is rubbing me the wrong way, my expectations are higher than ever, I’m on edge, have a To Do list a mile long, the holidays are fast approaching, which sends me into a tail spin every year, I haven’t had an uninterrupted night of sleep in days due to a cough I just can’t shake and I have officially entered the waddle stage of my pregnancy.

We had a family/maternity photo shoot two weekends ago and our photographer and friend, Tereza gently reminded me how far we’ve come to have this baby and hearing this was equal parts satisfying, humbling and exciting, not to mention tremendously bittersweet.

I believe she captured all that and more. Thank you, Tereza from the bottom of my heart.

All photos taken by Tereza Harper – November 10, 2013

When Todd and I decided to grow our family, we thought it would be easy, just like when we had Lucas – have sex and get pregnant. Little did we know the journey that we were in store for. Ultimately, it made us a stronger couple and family and we have learned to love more deeply and cherish our gifts. Somewhere in the back on my mind, I knew it would all be worth it in the end.

All photos taken by Tereza Harper – November 10, 2013

The longer you wait for something the more you appreciate it when you get it because anything worth having is always worth the wait – Unknown

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Day 20: Today I’m grateful for people with whom I vehemently disagree but can always have a good, respectful debate that never feels personal or resentful. It’s all about keeping an open mind and listening. #30daysofgratitude

Collecting Seashells

Posted on November 19, 2013 Written by Tonya

I have said it before and I’ll say it again, being a mother is the toughest job I have ever had and I’ve had some crummy jobs.

It’s thankless and tiresome and sometimes so frustrating I want to scream, gauge my eyes out and curl up in the fetal position and cry. It’s also rewarding in ways I never thought possible and has taught me so many valuable lessons about love and life and the world around me.

But I digress…

When my husband travels, motherhood is the absolute hardest.

Honest to God, I don’t know how single parents or parents with deployed spouses do it. I suppose they have no choice, so they just do.

Just like Lucas and I have the past five days…. Five days of breakfasts, lunches, dinners, snacks, arguing over screen time, bath time, potty talk, picking up toys and getting shoes on. Five days filled with soccer practice, park visits, hours of games and books, reminders to wash hands and brush teeth, one super fun play date, three viewings of Peter Pan and a beautiful afternoon at the beach collecting seashells.

It was when I finally kicked off my shoes, took a deep breath and got sand under my nails digging for shells with my son that I realized, five days is nothing, I’ve totally got this and I have a great kid! These moments of it just being the two of us are fleeting so I should stop counting down the hours until bedtime and enjoy it.

I may have continued to look at the clock a little more than usual, but we made it through virtually unscathed.

Each time Todd is out of town, I appreciate all that he does to help raise our son, care for our dog, keep our household running smoothly and help my sanity by sharing all of our responsibilities. I am so grateful to have a parenting partner, someone to share the duties, challenges and most of all the love. ______________________________________________________________________________

Day 18: Today I give thanks to my life partner in crime and in all matters of the heart, my husband. I don’t know how (or why) he has put up with me all these years, but I’m glad he has. I love him with all my heart. #30daysofgratitude

Almost Ours

Posted on November 4, 2013 Written by Tonya

I had an amazing childhood. My parents worked in American International schools and I got to live in many different parts of the world. I loved moving from country to country, meeting interesting people, experiencing unique cultures, customs and foods, but there was always a part of me that wished we could have stayed put for a while, built roots and had a home base.

And this house?

This is the house I wish I had grown up in.

This is the house that my husband and I will raise our family in.

This house is almost ours.

After eight l o n g months, our days of apartment living are finally coming to an end!!

Our new home has four bedrooms, including an in-law suite (!), three bathrooms, one of which is a Jack and Jill bathroom that I have always dreamed of, a gorgeous walk-in closet, a custom dog run for Charlie Pasta, a nice size yard and is back in the neighborhood we want to be in. Time for us to payback on play dates, dinners and holiday gatherings!

We are so excited, grateful and relieved we found something just in time for baby girl’s arrival.

The next few weeks are going to be crazy busy with packing, unpacking, decorating for the holidays, gearing up for baby and making this house our home. I can’t wait!!

Day 4: There are many, many things I won’t miss about apartment life, but topping the list is not having an assigned parking spot. I will not miss circling our complex after a late night event, holding my breath and cursing to myself trying to find a spot, or having to park half a mile away. I can’t wait to have a driveway and a garage again! Seriously, it’s the little things. #30daysofgratitude

A Month Of Gratitude: #30daysofgratitude

Posted on November 1, 2013 Written by Tonya

Imagine a world where we woke up with a heart full of gratitude. Expressing our gratitude out loud and feeling blessed for another day on earth; our good fortune, our health, children, jobs, spouses, friends or simply having a few quiet moments to sit and read. It’s such a simple thing and yet we take so much for granted.

Although we should express our gratitude daily, throughout the month of November, I’ll be sharing one thing each day on my Letters for Lucas Facebook page that I appreciate. At the end of each blog post, I’ll share that day’s note of thanks.

Please join me and if you do, use the hashtag: #30daysofgratitude. Sometimes it’s hard to see the good, especially when bad things happen and you are unhappy with certain aspects of your life, but I hope this month you can focus on being grateful and all the things that make you smile.

Day 1: I’m thrilled to be pregnant, grateful for modern medicine and can’t wait to meet Lucas’s little sister!

Somebody Pinch Me!

Posted on September 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

Jimmy Fallon and his wife recently welcomed a daughter and revealed that they spent years trying for a baby before it finally happened via surrogate and I love what he shared with Savannah Guthrie on The Today Show…

I know people have tried much longer [than we have], but if there’s anyone out there who is trying and they’re just losing hope, just hang in there. Try every avenue; try anything you can do, ’cause you’ll get there. You’ll end up with a family, and it’s so worth it. It is the most ‘worth it’ thing.

So perfectly put.

After throwing everything we have at our secondary infertility and it has been a very long three year battle, my husband and I are finally expecting a baby!

I shared our amazing news on Facebook and Instagram today and I am touched by the out pouring of love and congratulations. So many of our family and friends and wonderful people I have met through blogging and sharing our tale have been rooting for us and supporting us throughout this difficult journey. Part of me still doesn’t believe it! I keep waiting for someone to pinch me.

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time or know me IRL, then you know I keep track of everything, so I wanted to share this list.

I share it, not as a formula for how to have a baby if you or someone you know is struggling with infertility and by no means as a way of comparing what we went through versus what you may be experiencing, I’m sharing it because as a society, we need to talk about this disease more and everything that it encompasses; the ups, the downs and all the challenges and in between. This is a topic that I am very passionate about and I believe always will be.

After…

Tens of thousands of dollars spent,
95 Four Square check ins to my fertility doctor’s office,
45 (and counting) acupuncture sessions,
16 failed natural cycles,
12 therapy sessions (a mixed blessing of discomfort and insight),
10 RESOLVE support group meetings,
6 Facebook support groups,
5 miscarriages,
3 friends who kindly gave me shots when Todd was out of town,
3 failed IUIs,
2 D&Cs
2 OBGYNs,
2 acupuncturists,
2 reproductive endocrinologists,
2 failed IVF cycles,
2 2AM 24-hour drug store drive-thrus for syringes,
2 needle/hazardous materials spills in my car,
2 visits to a psychic,
1 major meltdown in the baby aisle at Target,
1 trip to the ER,
1 participation in a panel discussion on infertility,
1 infertility column,
1 amazing team of doctors, who I could never thank enough,
a library worth of books on infertility collected and read, and
countless ~~doctor visits~~ HOURS spent sitting in waiting rooms, blood drawls, ultrasounds, angry phone calls to our health care providers, prescriptions filled, pills popped, herbs choked down, shots in the abdomen and ass, boxes of Mucinex taken (don’t ask), negative pregnancy test results, bottles of wine consumed, heated discussions over finances and priorities, prayers and wishes made and tears shed, (so many tears).

After all this, I am smiling from ear to ear, grateful for this moment and overjoyed to share this perfect photo:

I refused to give up the fight.

I would not give up hope.

I could not squelch the longing.

I believed in miracles.

There Is Still So Much More To Share…

Posted on July 21, 2013 Written by Tonya

My infertility column on SheKnows has been canceled.

My last post ran on July 1.

I am very disappointed, but extremely grateful for the opportunity to discuss my battle with secondary infertility on such a large platform and on behalf of an amazing organization. SheKnows is one of Forbes Top 100 Websites for Women and one of the Top 10 Lifestyle Sites for Women.

I know for certain my column made a difference to a lot of people. I have had several privately reach out to me to thank me for my words and I am overjoyed that I could be there for them in some small way and that they know they are not alone! Just today I e-mailed with a woman who found out she miscarried after her recent IVF. It breaks my heart, no one should know this pain.

I have been most surprised by family and friends that have shared their struggle with me. I hate that infertility is still such a taboo topic. I would have liked to have known these couples, these women in my life were struggling earlier.

Writing the column was very therapeutic for me too. Writing in general is very therapeutic for me.

Originally intended to run for two months, my column ran for six. I am very proud of the 24 posts I wrote covering everything from the best books on infertility, using humor to get through dark times, how this disease puts your marriage to the test, the importance of infertility support groups and grieving a miscarriage. I put my heart and soul into every word I shared and was pleased to do it with honesty and integrity.

If you missed any of my posts, you can find them here on the SheKnows.com site or on my personal Secondary Infertility Pinterest board. There is still so much to share because this conversation must continue, so I am working on finding another home for my words, in addition to continuing my story here on Letters For Lucas.

I would to thank my editors at SheKnows and all of my supporters, in particular, my DBA friends and Nichole Beaudry, who pretty held my hand every step of the way. xo

Four

Posted on June 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

Lucas,

You are an amazing kid.

Sure, you’re my son and I am totally bias, but you really are and I wish everyone could meet you so they could see for themselves.

You have magical powers, making me laugh when I want to cry and pushing me to be more patient with myself and the world around me. I hope you will continue to be patient with me, too. Always expect better from me.

I love singing Taylor Swift’s “22″ at the top of our lungs as we drive around town, reading tales of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Peter Rabbit, speaking in British accents, sitting next to you sharing a turkey and Swiss on wheat at Subway and cuddled up close on our couch for movie nights.

You’re smart, considerate and funny and for the life of me, I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you but whomever I owe, I’ll be forever indebted.

My love for you is immeasurable and I am so lucky to be your mom. One of my greatest joys has been becoming your mother and watching you grow and change and learn and bloom.

Wishing you, my sweet and precious boy, a very happy fourth birthday!

Love,
Mommy xoxo

In Awe

Posted on April 9, 2013 Written by Tonya

It was so overwhelming, I haven’t been able to put it into the proper words. Turns out a simple act, an everyday task allowed me to get there.

I was standing at the kitchen sink scrubbing pots and pans with scolding hot water, in between loading the dishwasher, wiping down counter tops, putting leftovers in plastic containers and reorganizing the refrigerator in order for everything to fit.

I was thinking about the day almost behind me and if I had accomplished everything I had hoped to, I thought about new items to add to my ever growing To Do list and how I was one day closer to a looming deadline. I thought about how odd it was to be living in such a small space now and daydreamed about the possibilities that lie ahead for our family. I considered what Lucas had eaten that day and what kind of mother I had been; was I attentive?, had I doled out enough kisses, hugs and words of encouragement?, had we read together that day?, had I taught him anything?, was I present?

Next, I thought about the millions of women—mothers across the world doing the exact same thing at the exact same moment.

Like me, they were standing at their kitchen sink caring for and thinking about their family and their mind wandered to all that they have done that day and maybe throughout their lives. All those women have stories to tell.

Rich, beautiful, powerful stories.

Stories of courage and heartbreak, bittersweet memories and small moments that made great impacts. Stories about letting go, holding on and unwavering resilience.

As I stood there scrapping off caked on food particles into the disposal, my eyes began to swell and tears streamed down my face. Performing such a mundane task finally allowed me to reflect on the 11 amazing stories I had heard two days earlier at my first Listen To Your Mother rehearsal.

The stories are as diverse as our fingerprints, but the grace and strength in which they were told are the common denominator and the candor and beauty of each woman leaves me in awe. I have only met these women once and I already admire and respect them so very much. Their stories will forever be etched in my mind and on my heart.

I am honored beyond measure to be apart of the 2013 Listen To Your Mother Sacramento cast and to tell my story. It is our time to shine and the dishes in the sink can wait!

If you would like to attend the Sacramento Listen To Your Mother show, please click on photo for more information and for tickets!

Back To Basics

Posted on March 28, 2013 Written by Tonya

From the time I was 17 on, I only saw my parents 3-4 times a year. They worked and lived overseas while I was in boarding school and then college in Arizona. Our time together was precious and never long enough. I believe they made up for the distance, the absence and maybe a sense of abandonment they felt by showering me with material things and checks.

For a while, I liked it.

A lot.

What greedy teenager wouldn’t?

I would pine for something and get it. I will be the first to admit I was spoiled and still have selfish tendencies because of it.

But there came a moment, sometime around my Sophomore year of college that I didn’t like the “gifts” and even began refusing the checks my father would try to hand me with tears in his eyes at the airport upon saying goodbye.

It started to feel like guilt money. I tried to explain my feelings, but they said I was being crazy.

I swore I wouldn’t do this to my children.

Funny how as parents we do that a lot, huh?

In the weeks leading up to our recent move and as we have been settling in, I have overindulged Lucas with more treats and cars and other toys than I care to fess up to. I wanted the transition to be a smooth one for him and I thought the gifts would help. He’s done fantastic. Of course. All he really cares about is that his family; mommy, daddy, puppy and fishy are all together under the same roof.

I have had to bring Lucas along with me to dozens of doctor’s appointments in the last few months and when he waits patiently (WAY more patient than I ever am) by my side, I feel the need to reward him with the toys he asks for. All he really cares about is spending time with mommy.

I learned a long time ago that I cannot take Lucas with me to the supermarket, Target or any other establishment that sells toys because he gets a terrible case of the gimmes and I fall prey each and every time, buying him more crap he doesn’t really need.

The stuff is not only a waste of money, it’s a poor excuse for my love and praise and he doesn’t need a million toys. I know there’s a I want him to have a better childhood than I did thing going on, but the truth is I had a full and rich childhood and I wanted for nothing. I was blessed.

I need to break this cycle now and get more creative with my affections. I need to learn to say no and not be so weak and cave when he says please, Mommy in that sweet little boy voice I know will soon change.

His dad and I do our best to teach our son about gratitude and being thankful for the things he has but my continuous buying doesn’t help.

It’s hard when everything is a negotiation with a three year old and you want to give him the world and that’s why I have decided starting Monday, April 1, because Sunday is Easter and I have already made up an Easter basket for Lucas, I am going to go on a one month, no buying strike. No toys, no games, no Matchbox cars, no packages of Micro Drifters, no sweets, no books, no plastic junk. I will post updates here on my progress.

We are going to rediscover toys Lucas already has and spend quality time together playing games and visiting the library and parks and having good old fashioned play dates. We are going to get back to basics and I will be weak no more. Wish me luck!

Dear Baby Girl

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