Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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The Power Of A Sock

Posted on September 27, 2012 Written by Tonya

Even before I started looking I knew the evidence was all around our house.

My first clue was the lone baby sock I discovered in the bottom of a suitcase. He hasn’t been able to wear it in three years.

The tiny, white, soft sock, still smelled of Dreft made me nostalgic, yes but also had me searching for more proof…

Upon further investigation, I realized he’s gone from big wooden chunky puzzle pieces with handles to masterfully assembling the 30+ piece sets.

He’s physically heavier, weighting nearly 34 pounds. I never hesitate to carry him when he asks.

No longer in diapers (except at bedtime), he is learning how his body functions and all about feelings.

Instead of moving his cars across the floor, he creates scenarios and they have conversations with one another.

He loves to play Candy Land, Go Fish, Hide & Seek and Red Light, Green Light and I swear uses real strategy to assure a victory.

The pile of 2T and even some 3T clothing builds as we hand down the things he’s outgrown to our friends children.

He has opinions, knows how to make me laugh, recites the Pledge of Allegiance and can sing along to every word of Call Me Maybe.

More often than not, he opts to walk over being pushed in the stroller.

But the real proof that our house no longer has a baby is in his face. It’s more defined instead of soft and round.

He’s gone from a baby to a little boy in the blink of an eye and it is wonderful to witness.

It’s also enough to make me want to sit in a corner with a tub of ice cream and gallon of wine and cry. Maybe I should reach out to my RE and start up on the baby #2 trail again? 

Better yet, I’m going enjoy what I have right this very minute.

Funny how much power a lone sock can have.

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Filed Under: aging, love, milestones, motherhood, parenthood, parenting Tagged With: aging, gratitude, love, milestones, motherhood, parenthood, parenting

Class Of 2026

Posted on September 6, 2012 Written by Tonya

How did this…

June 6, 2009

…become this?

September 5, 2012

It feels as though it was just yesterday that I was counting your fingers and toes, learning to perfect the swaddle and swaying you to sleep. Now you know all the planets, are learning to read and have strong opinions on where you’d like to go out for dinner.

You are the gift that keeps on giving and you make me smile each and every day.

Have an awesome second year of school, Lucas! Mommy and Daddy are so proud of you.

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Filed Under: love, memories, milestones, photos, praise, school Tagged With: love, memories, milestones, photos, praise, school

This Time It’s Personal

Posted on August 26, 2012 Written by Tonya

My posts have been sparse and a little on the light side lately. I’ve experienced blog burn out before and taken blogging breaks. I’ve even experienced writer’s block, but this is different.

This time it’s personal.

Where have I been you ask?

I promised myself to take some of the pressure off during the month of August.

I told myself I needed focus on something other than my (in)fertility, medications, hormone levels, doctor’s appointments and marking days on the calendar.

I wanted wear little to no make-up, let my hair dry naturally, throw on a baseball cap and s l o w down, get back in touch with myself and my family and friends and just be for a while.

Relaxing is so hard for me and like many of you, I struggle with being present, being truly in the moment and realizing that so much of what I actually need is in the simple things; a wag of a new puppy’s tail, my son’s face lighting up as he gets the last puzzle piece to fit, the satisfying feeling of sweat dripping down my back, belly laughs and good cries.

So far I’m pleased with my progress…

My husband and I celebrated our five year anniversary by spending the weekend in San Francisco. We rented Segways, walked across the Golden Gate Bridge and enjoyed some fabulous dinners. A big huge thank you to my in-laws for keeping Lucas while we did so.

We’ve been having fun getting acquainted with our new puppy, Charlie Pasta!

I’ve been living deadline free, having quit my freelance job the end of July.

I took Lucas on a trip to Santa Barbara to visit with high school friends, a couple I hadn’t seen in a dozen years. We picked up right where we left off, which is the great thing about old friendships!

This trip also marked my first time taking Lucas in a pool by myself. It was challenging at first, but a huge success. He is such a fish and we had a blast!

I have been staying up too late to read rather than play on my phone or struggle to pump out a blog post and after a mandatory three month hiatus, I have picked up my hot yoga classes again.

I’m spending more time outside and soaking up what is left of summer. There have been trips to the library in search of books about dinosaurs, many rounds of Go Fish, lots of pretend play, several hours logged in front of the TV watching the XXX Summer Games and Scooby Doo, countless walks around the neighborhood with our new furry friend and last week I was able to spend three glorious hours at the Getty Center by MYSELF.

All I have wanted to do is spend time with my sweet family, practice living in the moment and keep cool! I hope you are doing much of the same.

I’ll be back soon.

When was the last time you took a blogging break? I highly recommend it!

Incidentally, today marks my third year blogging. Ironic, no?

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Filed Under: blog, blogoversary, books, exercise, friends, IVF, milestones, photos, puppy, simple joys, Smart Mom Style, summer, travel Tagged With: blog, blogoversary, books, exercise, friends, IVF, milestones, photos, puppy, simple joys, Smart Mom Style, summer, THREE YEARS!!, travel

How I Met Your Father

Posted on August 23, 2012 Written by Tonya

I love learning how couples met and I’m honored that Rach of Life Ever Since invited me to share my story in her So, How’d You Meet? series.

Today is a special day in another way too; it marks what would have been my parents 43rd wedding anniversary and to me their marriage was one of the best and one I try to emulate. May they rest in peace.

Please come visit me at Rach’s today and learn how I met Todd!

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Filed Under: KRA, milestones, MSA, my guest posts, TBW Tagged With: KRA, Life Ever Since, milestones, MSA, my guest posts, TBW

I’m Ready!

Posted on June 22, 2012 Written by Tonya

No matter what anyone says, turning 40 is a big deal.

You spend your whole 39th year thinking about it.

At least I did.

Especially the last few months, weeks and days.

In just four more sleeps I will wake up 40.

40.

It sounds so… foreign.

You thought I was going to say old, didn’t you?

Hardly. I feel anything but old. Besides, isn’t 40 the new 30?

Some of my best friends are 40 and are doing it fabulously!

What you don’t think about are all the changes that happen to your body, your life, and your mind, ready or not. Life is definitely happening and I think 40 means you’ve got more of an opinion (for sure), more experience (debatable), more resources (thank goodness), more responsibility (ugh) and maybe even new dreams (yes!) of your ever changing future.

A lot of reminiscing and accounting takes place leading up to the big 4-0. I’ve been asking myself what I have accomplished in the last 10 years and what I’d like to tackle in the next 10. I can’t wait to experience what this new decade has in store for me.

In many ways it feels like it was just yesterday that I turned 30.

This decade has gone by so fast and it has been both the best and worst of my life.

I celebrated my 30th birthday at a favorite local restaurant.

It saddens me that of the 10 people at that table back in June 2002, two are dead and seven I no longer speak to with any sort of regularity. These were people I thought would always be in my life.

My marriage was falling apart and becoming a mother was the furthest thing from my mind. The one constant has been my sister, who I am eternally grateful for.

So, although the cast of characters has changed a bit, I am blessed to be surrounded by love, support and good people.

I’m ready for a new era, new beginnings and new adventures.

I’m ready to celebrate how far I’ve come and look forward to what lies ahead.

I plan to keep strutting my stuff and doing the best I can to be a good wife, mother, sister and friend.

Bring it on, 40.

I’m ready!

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Filed Under: aging, birthdays, friends, gratitude, life, loss, memories, milestones Tagged With: aging, birthdays, friends, gratitude, life, loss, memories, milestones

Three

Posted on June 6, 2012 Written by Tonya

My one and only Lucas,

Today you turned three and I am still walking around with my jaw on the floor honestly not knowing where the last 1095 days went. They were gone in a flash.

Some so much quicker than others.

The smiles, joy, hope, love and magic you have brought to my life are immeasurable and if I’m being honest, that goes for the frustration, worry and confusion too.  

This motherhood thing is tricky and there are many days I feel as though I am learning as I go. Hopefully I’m getting a little better each day. Either way, I will forever be grateful to you for your trust and patience.

Lucas, you are my greatest accomplishment, my favorite person in the world (next to your dad, of course) and I am so blessed and honored to be your mother. Seeing the way your face lights up chasing bubbles in the backyard, taking that first bite of an ice cream cone and pedaling down the sidewalk on your new bicycle assures me know that life is beautiful, no matter what heartaches or struggles I may face.

Because of you, I channel my inner child and sing silly songs and make funny noises, all in an effort to hear you giggle.

Because of you, I am reminded daily how important it is to love and be loved. 

Because of you, I want to be a better person, a great mom, lead by example and offer you every single opportunity I have had and more. I want to show you the world and watch how your make your way through it.

Because of you, my life is richer.  

You know how to make me laugh when I want to cry.

You are a wonder to behold and witnessing you grow and change and explore is such a pleasure. Each day brings new adventures.

My heart and soul belong to you, Lucas and today I am wishing you the happiest of birthdays.

Love,
Mommy xoxo

My love. Flying home from vacation June 5, 2012.


 

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Filed Under: birthdays, gratitude, love, milestones, my letters, photos Tagged With: birthdays, gratitude, love, milestones, my letters, photos

This Is Motherhood

Posted on May 12, 2012 Written by Tonya

Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder if my mother would think I was doing a good job raising my son.

Not a day goes by that I don’t want to pick up the phone and call my mother to ask her, when I was Lucas’ age, did I do this or that? or seek parenting advice of one type or another.

Not a day goes by that I don’t want to send her a photo of a grandson she never had the chance to meet.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and wish she were here.

Not a day goes by when I don’t feel incredibly grateful for my childhood, the lessons that were instilled in me and the love she showed me.

Sitting next to Lucas yesterday in his classroom for Mother’s Day breakfast, he was as thrilled to have me there as I was to be there. He was beaming; his were eyes brighter and bluer than usual and a permagrin affixed to his face.

I am so proud to be his mom. My heart was overjoyed and I welled up as he presented me with a wooden treasure box he had painted and card that had been decorated with his tiny hand-print.

In that moment, two things occurred to me; this is motherhood, an all encompassing rush of love that you feel throughout every pore and cell of your body and a deep hope that I made my mother feel this way too.

This Mother’s Day, as with every day, I miss my mom.

I miss her wisdom and humor and chocolate chip cookies. I miss her smile and not being able to take a photo without losing her eyes (case and point below). I miss her ability to know when to back off and when to reach out a hand. I miss her laughter than inevitably turned into a coughing attack. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to hear that again.

She was a good mother.

The last Mother's Day I spent with my mom - 2007.

Wishing mothers everywhere a very happy Mother’s Day!

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Filed Under: gratitude, grief, holidays, KRA, loss, love, milestones, motherhood, school Tagged With: gratitude, grief, holidays, KRA, loss, love, milestones, Mother's Day, motherhood, school

Heaven

Posted on April 18, 2012 Written by Tonya

It’s going to happen, I thought any day now, he’s going to ask me, “Mommy, where’s your mommy?” and/or, “Where’s your daddy?”.

I thought I would be ready.

I have thought about it a lot, actually. It weighs on me every day and especially when we look at photos.

Lucas knows who my husband’s parents are and that we visit with them often. He also recognizes my parents as his Grandma and Grandpa Adams. He may not be able to grasp the connection or relationship to me and his father, but he knows their significance in our lives. [If you’re new here and don’t know, my parents died 4 1/2 years ago and you can read more here]

So I waited with bated breath.

I thought I would have the perfect response. In fact, I had it rehearsed in my head; exactly what I would say. I visualized being in that moment, fighting back the tears, stating the facts, keeping it simple and taking all my cues from him. Just like the experts instruct.

I thought he wouldn’t ask for a few more years and then the day came.

We weren’t even looking at pictures.

Tuesday, March 13, 2012.

It was right out of the clear blue.

At first, I clammed up. I was stunned. And then I very quickly said, “They’re not here.”

That was okay for him.

For now.

He’s almost three so he accepted my response and went on to the next thing, the next thought. And as I breathed a heavy sigh of relief, I felt as if I had dodged a bullet and thought that is not how I wanted that to go.

I know he will ask again and eventually he will have more questions.

Next time I vow to keep it together and tell him what his dad and I have decided is the best answer for his tender mind and my tender heart: “They’re in heaven.”

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Filed Under: grandparents, grief, loss, love, milestones Tagged With: grandparents, grief, loss, love, milestones

I’m Jealous Of My Son

Posted on January 25, 2012 Written by Tonya

It must be nice to be a baby.

Everyone gushes over babies.

Everyone wants to hold babies or be close enough to them to take in their scent and hope that some of their innocence, their newness rubs off.

Babies are life-affirming.

Babies and children are lucky.

They have someone at their beck and call 24/7.

They are fed, dressed, played with, fretted over, sang to and rocked to sleep.

When you’re a child, every single one of your needs is met, usually within moments, people hang on your every word and clap and cheer for you when you do something correct, funny or good.

When you’re a child, you can throw a temper tantrum right in the middle of the grocery store and get away with it.

Aside from all the tender loving care (and exemptions) children are given, they have a clean slate.

They are at the beginning.

A new life.

A fresh start.

Children have their whole lives ahead of them…

Nothing to apologize for yet, nothing to regret or take back, no baggage or insecurities; they’ve never experienced true sadness, regret, envy, loss or pride. They haven’t been disappointed or failed at anything.

They live within a protective bubble of their parents arms, the confines of their comforting home and are safe from the big bad world around them.

…at least for a little while.

Children have so many firsts ahead of them, so much to look forward to, so many things to learn, see, do and experience.

Yep, it’s safe to say I’m jealous of my son, all of his firsts and his beautiful, flawless, soft skin too.

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Filed Under: aging, confession, life, milestones Tagged With: aging, confession, life, milestones

It’s Potty Time!

Posted on January 9, 2012 Written by Tonya

Lucas is 2 1/2.

It’s time.

He’s been in a twin bed since April, off the bottle since June and attending preschool since August.

I know it’s time.

Once Upon a Potty, Prince of the Potty, Everybody Poops, Potty Time With Elmo and Potty Animals; we own them all and have read them all. Six dozen times each.

There’s interest there.

On his part, I think.

Cars underwear has been purchased (and probably outgrown). 

We have the potty seat and he’s been on it once or twice, thanks to Daddy.

But, his mom, on the other hand, she is still hesitating,

procrastinating,

and dreading beyond words, what I know must be the next milestone we reach:

potty training!

Please send wine, any helpful and/or successful tips, four leaf clovers, rabbit’s foot key chains and cupcakes my way. Thank you.

Related Posts:

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Filed Under: books, elmo, milestones, motherhood, parenthood, potty training, SAHM Tagged With: books, elmo, milestones, motherhood, parenthood, potty training, SAHM

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