miscarriage

Life After Infertility: Infertility Awareness Week 2014

Posted on April 20, 2014 Written by Tonya

One in every eight couples in the United States are affected by infertility.

Nearly six million families are childless. Some chose this option, but many more long for children that never come.

According to the National Survey of Family Growth, more than 1 million couples grapple with secondary infertility, a couple’s inability to conceive a baby, even though they’ve had at least one child in the past.

My husband and I are one of these couples. Since Lucas’s first birthday, I have had five miscarriages, one with the aid of IVF treatment and one incredible success!

April 20-27 is Infertility Awareness Week and each year during this week I will write about my personal battle and reflect on the ups and downs that consumed my life for three and a half years as my husband and I longed for a second child. I will think of others that faced the same fight and either beat it and have a precious child in their arms or are at peace and have moved on from it. And in my heart, I will always hold a special place for those currently in the thick if it, hoping, wishing and praying for a miracle baby of their own.

I have and always will be open about my struggle with infertility. I could have never have suffered in silence. Not everyone is like that.

I got my miracle baby, my sweet Lola and I am grateful for what I had to endure to get her. You read that right, I am grateful for my struggle with infertility. Not everyone can say that.

I know what you’re thinking… Yeah, sure you can say that now that it’s behind you and you have had success, but I honestly really wouldn’t change a thing. Sure I wish it hadn’t taken so long or cost so much, but my battle to have a second child put me in places where I know my ego would have never otherwise taken me. Working so hard for something at the end of the day I had zero control over made me trust others like I never have before, relinquish control and be the most vulnerable I ever have been in my life. I learned a lot about myself too; my tolerance for stress, pain and heartache and how to be patient (or at least patienter). It gave me strength and made me grateful. It is behind me, but I will always remember the pain, the tears, the roller coaster ride.

I also made some amazing friends who were or continue to be struggling too and there is nothing in the world like not being alone. Fighting the most difficult battle of your life can be isolating and very lonely.

I hate that anyone has to deal with infertility issues, but if you are or someone you love is facing this battle, please visit RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association Website and attain the support you need to make the best decisions for you and your family.

You are not alone. Do not give up hope.

Somebody Pinch Me!

Posted on September 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

Jimmy Fallon and his wife recently welcomed a daughter and revealed that they spent years trying for a baby before it finally happened via surrogate and I love what he shared with Savannah Guthrie on The Today Show…

I know people have tried much longer [than we have], but if there’s anyone out there who is trying and they’re just losing hope, just hang in there. Try every avenue; try anything you can do, ’cause you’ll get there. You’ll end up with a family, and it’s so worth it. It is the most ‘worth it’ thing.

So perfectly put.

After throwing everything we have at our secondary infertility and it has been a very long three year battle, my husband and I are finally expecting a baby!

I shared our amazing news on Facebook and Instagram today and I am touched by the out pouring of love and congratulations. So many of our family and friends and wonderful people I have met through blogging and sharing our tale have been rooting for us and supporting us throughout this difficult journey. Part of me still doesn’t believe it! I keep waiting for someone to pinch me.

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time or know me IRL, then you know I keep track of everything, so I wanted to share this list.

I share it, not as a formula for how to have a baby if you or someone you know is struggling with infertility and by no means as a way of comparing what we went through versus what you may be experiencing, I’m sharing it because as a society, we need to talk about this disease more and everything that it encompasses; the ups, the downs and all the challenges and in between. This is a topic that I am very passionate about and I believe always will be.

After…

Tens of thousands of dollars spent,
95 Four Square check ins to my fertility doctor’s office,
45 (and counting) acupuncture sessions,
16 failed natural cycles,
12 therapy sessions (a mixed blessing of discomfort and insight),
10 RESOLVE support group meetings,
6 Facebook support groups,
5 miscarriages,
3 friends who kindly gave me shots when Todd was out of town,
3 failed IUIs,
2 D&Cs
2 OBGYNs,
2 acupuncturists,
2 reproductive endocrinologists,
2 failed IVF cycles,
2 2AM 24-hour drug store drive-thrus for syringes,
2 needle/hazardous materials spills in my car,
2 visits to a psychic,
1 major meltdown in the baby aisle at Target,
1 trip to the ER,
1 participation in a panel discussion on infertility,
1 infertility column,
1 amazing team of doctors, who I could never thank enough,
a library worth of books on infertility collected and read, and
countless ~~doctor visits~~ HOURS spent sitting in waiting rooms, blood drawls, ultrasounds, angry phone calls to our health care providers, prescriptions filled, pills popped, herbs choked down, shots in the abdomen and ass, boxes of Mucinex taken (don’t ask), negative pregnancy test results, bottles of wine consumed, heated discussions over finances and priorities, prayers and wishes made and tears shed, (so many tears).

After all this, I am smiling from ear to ear, grateful for this moment and overjoyed to share this perfect photo:

I refused to give up the fight.

I would not give up hope.

I could not squelch the longing.

I believed in miracles.

Hope

Posted on October 21, 2012 Written by Tonya

Feeling small, weak and out of control, I recognize these sensations. I’ve been here before.

I am at the point during the dreadful two week wait where I turn into someone I know well but don’t like very much.

The hormones I’m taking (progesterone, estrogen and heparin) have had a chance to dig into my system encouraging my mind to go to ugly places, think ugly thoughts and say ugly things.

The night sweats and dry mouth have both started.

This won’t hurt a bit, they say.

Tired, lacking energy and a face breaking out like a sad dateless teenager on prom night.

I try to stay calm, focused and positive but I am raging inside.

I have bruises all along my belly from the twice daily shots of blood thinners and on both hips from the nightly concoction of steroid hormones.

I lash out at my poor husband, an innocent easy target.

Your lining looks perfect, they say.

I am famished, eat all day and gain weight, an average of 5-8 pounds each cycle.

And then there’s the waiting. The waiting is the worst part. For two weeks, life is on hold and I wait, trying not to read into every sign, careful not to get too excited.

Again.

Everything looks really good, they say.

I am ready for disappointment, willing to welcome it even, to just know and end the waiting; to move on, get off the merry-go-round, discuss next steps or give up.

There are more tears.

Another pin prick.

Another appointment.

More waiting.

Your blood work looks great, just keep doing what you’re doing, they say.

All of sudden and always exactly when I need it most, hope appears.

Hope; in waves of joy and tender moments, a deep sigh followed by a full inhale of fresh air.

Hope greets me and gives me strength.

Hope whispers, keep going.

Dear Baby

Posted on October 17, 2012 Written by Tonya

Jackie of With Just a Bit of Magic is my guest today and one of the best things about Jackie is her amazing chocolate chip cookies, which I was a recipient of last Christmas as a part of Katie’s #cookieswap.

I spend a lot of time thinking about those cookies. But, I digress…

Jackie is a lot more than a great baker, she is a survivor.

Monday was Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and for many of us, a very difficult day. A day of remembrance and a harsh reminder. I am sad to learn that Jackie and I share this loss and appreciate her baring her soul and tender words here.

Jackie’s letter is bittersweet and will hit all too close to home for too many of us.

Dear Baby,

This fall would have been your last year at home with me because next year you would have started kindergarten.

You’d be full of wonder.

You’d be full of love and light.

You’d be the center of my world just like your sisters.

You’d be curious.

You’d be smart.

You’d amaze us each day with the things you’ve learned.

You’d frustrate us.

You’d upset us.

But no matter what we would love you unconditionally just as any parent loves their child.

I think about you often and wonder would you be a beautiful little girl with curls like your sisters or would you be a busy little boy like your younger brother. One thing for sure… you’d have those same awesome blue eyes that your siblings have.

There is nothing that can ever make me forget. You will always be a part of me no matter how much time passes. No matter what happens… I won’t forget.

The day they told me that you were gone was the most difficult day of my life and I didn’t know how I could go on. I curled up in my bed, the covers pulled tightly around me as I soaked my pillows with tears.

Family came and went. They shared their sorrow for our loss. They let us know that they were there for us. While I appreciated all of their love and help it didn’t help heal the hole that was left in my heart.

I’m still sad when I think about what should have been and I don’t know how to get past it. Maybe I shouldn’t.

So, my dear sweet baby… I love you.

Mom

Follow Jackie on Facebook, Pinterest, Twitter

The Waiting Room

Posted on June 21, 2012 Written by Tonya

A coffee table covered with the latest magazines.

12 chairs.

1 love seat.

After over a year of treatments and planing my exit, I always opt for a seat near the door because I’m still in denial that I have to be here at all.

Couples sit close enough to touch or are clasping hands.

Coffee is provided on a table, which also houses a plastic container full of pamphlets on pharmacies, insurance coverage and coping advice.

The majority of the patients are tapping away on their phones or have their heads buried in a magazine pretending to be engrossed in an article. Some just stare at the floor.

The uptempo jazz being pumped into the room does zero to alleviate the desperation in the air.

No words are ever spoken apart from the rare, but polite bless you after a sneeze.

Eyes never meet.

Smiles are never shared.

All of us are waiting on the edge of our seats for good news.

The instant the front door is opened, we all jump a little and then silently wonder to ourselves, where is she in her cycle.

One of the cruelest jokes of all is the nurse that calls out our names when it’s our turn is 5 months pregnant.

I loathe the waiting room.

But I continue to have hope.

This adorns one of the walls at my RE’s office.

We Are Enemies

Posted on May 21, 2012 Written by Tonya

I have never hit anyone in my life.

A good friend pushed me in college because I was dancing with a boy she supposedly liked and I pushed back and another time, I slapped a guy for being crude, but that has been the extent of my physical altercations.

I don’t even know how to make a proper fist.

But believe me when I say that I would go full on Fight Club on Infertility if we ever met in a dark alley.

It wouldn’t even need to be dark.

Or an alley.

She could be walking out of a 7-Eleven in the broad daylight and I would kick her ass beyond recognition.

Any battle ground will do.

I just want to meet her one day and have my way.

I want to beat that bitch to a bloody pulp and show absolutely zero mercy.

She wouldn’t either.

I know this for a fact.

Infertility and I are enemies of the worst kind.

I would relish hearing bones crack and draw pleasure from wiping away my own blood from my mouth with the back of my hand. I would spit it right in her face.

It would be a heart pounding workout like I have never experienced, throwing blow after blow, advancing and retreating with more power and strength each time.

This would be no cat fight, no pussy hair pulling or nail scratching, what would be the point? I want to do real damage, full frontal contact with loud, hard shots square to the jaw and the ribs. I want to feel our legs and arms tangled.

Duck, kick, twist, punch, repeat.

Sweat and spit flying.

Deep guttural screams.

The loudest thing in my head, besides the ringing in my ears would be the cheers of encouragement from the dozens of women I personally know and countless others, I don’t, who wish they had gotten to her first.

Even though I could go at it for days, eventually we would both reach a point when we had had enough, but just when she’d think I was surrendering, I would muster the strength from a place deep down inside my soul and go after her one last time and bring her to her knees once and for all.

When it was over, I would sit down on the hard gravel, wince from the pain and though tears I didn’t think I had left would ask, “why?”.

______________________________________________

I read this post as part of the inaugural Sacramento Listen To Your Mother show in May 2013. You can view it here.

Women Speak

Posted on April 23, 2012 Written by Tonya

One in every eight couples in the United States are affected by infertility.

Nearly six million families are childless. Some chose this option, but many more long for children that never come.

My husband and I are one of these couples. Since Lucas’ first birthday, I have had five miscarriages, one with the aid of IVF treatment.

Six months ago I apprehensively attended to my first RESOLVE support group meeting and after hearing the stories of each brave and compassionate woman around the table, I didn’t feel so alone anymore. Here were women, just like me that are angry, sad, confused and longing to have a child, their first or another.

I had made new friends.

One of those new friends was Annette Prieto-Llopis, who has written a wonderful piece on CNN.com’s In America today called, The unheard voice of infertility: A Latina’s story.

Annette introduced me to Molly Nichols, better known as Inspirational Mama and from there I learned about Women Speak. In recognition of National Infertility Awareness Week (April 22-28), Molly is hosting Women Speak this Wednesday, April 25 in Orange County, California.

This event will bring together those who have been touched by infertility and will be filled with support, education and inspiration.

Molly has asked me to be a panel member at Women Speak and I am very excited (and more than a little nervous) about sharing my secondary infertility story. When she asked me to be a part of her event, I did not hesitate. I believe the more we talk and share and learn from one another, the better our experience will be. If my story, my voice helps just one other women who is suffering with infertility then I’ll be happy.

Infertility is nothing to be ashamed of.

Click on image for more information.

If you live in Orange County and are suffering with infertility or know someone that is, I encourage you to attend this important event.

Infertility causes stress, sadness, frustration and loss for many couples. If you and your spouse are facing this condition, please learn all you can through reputable resources and organizations, such as RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association and attain the support you need to make the best decisions for you and your family.

Trust me when I tell you, you are not alone.

You are among friends.

A version of this post is also on Smart Mom Style today.

Five Hearts

Posted on April 14, 2012 Written by Tonya

I know I’ll never forget.

How could I?

And yet, I still felt a burning need to do something or rather have something to remind me and to acknowledge where we’ve been.

Something to commemorate the tears and heartbreak, my way of memorializing five lives that never came to be.

I bought the first one just before we started our last round of IVF, a process that we were certain would work.

I carried it with me everywhere, in my pocket or purse, always within reach. I carried it for luck and love, but most of all for hope.

When the process didn’t work, I wanted to throw it against the wall with all my strength and watch it shatter, like my own heart had.

Again.

Instead, I placed it in a box on my dresser and there it stayed.

Recently I added four more just like it because it has taken on a different meaning: what could have been.

Sometimes it is agonizing just knowing they are there, but they represent a very long and grueling journey that we have not yet completed.

They represent loss.

And peace.

My Body

Posted on March 21, 2012 Written by Tonya

My body is strong.

My body carries me and my body lets me down.

My limbs contort and stretch, pushing, pulling, reaching, carrying, holding.

I sit cross-legged along side my energetic little boy and move cars and trains around a track, help him with puzzle pieces, locate lost toys under the couch, stack blocks and build towers with Legos

I chase my son around the park and delight as I listen to his sweet laughter.

I lean over the bathtub and scrub away dirt and grim that has been collected during the day with a warm wash cloth.

I sing, dance, giggle and tickle.

I lift and cradle my precious boy every opportunity I get.

My body gains and loses and lifts weight. It sweats as I push it and I feel as though my heart might burst right out of it’s chest cavity.

My body makes me feel alive.

My lungs take in fresh sea air as I walk along the beach searching for calm and answers.

Mercifully at the end of each day, my body lets me rest peacefully.

The best thing my body has done, and the thing that I will forever be in awe of; was to allow me to carry a baby to term and deliver my son. For that, I will always feel empowered, important and grateful.

The worst thing about my body and the thing that makes me hate it; it refuses to let me do it again. Once so capable, it now struggles.

My body has let me down.

My body is strong.

Especially For Lucas

Posted on March 7, 2012 Written by Tonya

My heart is full and I am so grateful for my life and count my lucky stars that I have Lucas.

But, there are times I want another baby so much it hurts.

I’ve written about this once before.

Reluctantly.

But there is no denying my feelings.

I am trying to stay positive and hopeful throughout our journey, through every heartbreaking and disappointing twist and turn and I have learned that some days positivity is not quite enough.

I do, however, remain hopeful.

Hope has to be enough.

I want another child for me, for our family and especially for Lucas.

He would be so good with a little baby brother or sister. I think having another member of our family would teach him more about family, love and patience than his father or I ever could.

Having a sibling would provide him not only a playmate, but someone to share his memories with and someone to grow up along side.

I waited almost 12 years for my sister and it was nine years too long, in my opinion. I can’t imagine having any other sister, but I wish that we had shared more time at home together under the same roof. I wish that we had grown up together. I want that for Lucas.

I keep thinking about all the babies we’ve lost, the disappointments we’ve had over the last two years and how when it is my time to bring another life into this world, it will be the one that was meant for us, the family member we were meant to have and the sibling that was made especially for Lucas.

And I think how fortunate that baby will be; already have three people waiting with open arms and so much love to shower them with.

Life After Infertility: Infertility Awareness Week 2014

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