Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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That Girl

Posted on January 11, 2012 Written by Tonya

I honestly don’t pay that much attention to the number of followers I have or the traffic my blog receives on any given day, but I do notice that every time I write about my grief over losing my parents, I lose one or two readers.

Especially if it’s consecutive posts, like last week: Ashes To Ashes / I Thought Of You Today.

Maybe it’s a coincidence, but I worry about it from time to time and bring it up because I don’t want to be “that girl”, the one that “always writes about her parents deaths”.

Letters For Lucas is a place where I feel it is safe and appropriate to be open and honest about my loss and love of my mom and dad, but I can’t help but wonder why I lose followers.

I’m not offended, I’d just really like to know…

Was it the subject matter? Was there not enough description or possibly way too much? Maybe I just rubbed someone the wrong way or perhaps they needed one less blog to read. Those are all fair reasons to stop following and trust me, I understand how uncomfortable death and loss is to read about.

Why do you stop following a blog?

For those of you that have stuck in there with me, thank you! I appreciate all of the support, virtual hugs and kind comments. I pour my heart and soul into my posts and they are very therapeutic. I know in my case, the way my parents died is very unusual and part of the way I grieve is by writing. It has helped me survive something that could have dropped me to my knees for the rest of my life.

Loss is a part of life and while for my parents it was too instant and too soon, there will never be anything I can do to change it, so I write about and remember and heal a little bit each day.

I am never ever looking for sympathy, just a connection.

Having said that, I do promise to try to lighten the mood around here.

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Filed Under: blog, gratitude, grief, loss, question, writing Tagged With: blog, gratitude, grief, loss, question, writing

Relishing Quiet

Posted on January 8, 2012 Written by Tonya

Admittedly, I was not prepared for a lot of things when it came to becoming a mother, but the insane amount of noise has got to be the most frustrating.

I did not know that from sun up to sun down chitter chatter, mumbo jumbo and other strange and peculiar sounds would come flooding out of my son.

Lucas recounts his day, acts outs books we read and shows he watches, relives events that took place the previous week and asks a million questions in between. 

Oh my God, the questions… they make my head spin as I carefully do my best to answer each one.

What are you doing?

Why are you doing that?

Where did that come from?

Where are we going?

Why are we going this way?

Who will be there?

Do they have cars?

Can I get a car?

What about a train?

Most of the time it is music to my ears. I love being able to carry on a complete conversation with Lucas and hearing him talk to himself and sing is delightful, but sometimes I feel like my head might explode from the incessantness. He never shuts up. His mind is curious and he has a lot to say.

Sometimes I need a moment of silence.

A moment to catch my breath and hear myself think.

A moment longer than a stolen bathroom break will allow, especially since my little boy is typically accompanying me in there as well.

Can I flush the toilet when you’re done?

Can I see?

Can I close the lid?

Why are you washing your hands?

I need to wash my hands too.

Mmm, that soap smells good.

I need to take a bath tonight.

After Lucas finally goes to bed each night, I feel guilty for being so silent around my husband, but I am relishing quiet as much as I know he is.

How do you cope with the noise maker(s) in your life?

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Filed Under: annoyances, motherhood, question, raising boys Tagged With: annoyances, motherhood, question, raising boys

Holiday Blues

Posted on December 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

Do you ever feel melancholy during the holidays?

Have you ever wondered how (or why) those around you are so merry and bright?

I do and periodically it makes me want to push cheerful types right into oncoming traffic.

I think it’s pretty common to get the blues this time of the year, or at least I hope so. Well, maybe not the pushing part.

There’s a lot of pressure that comes with the holiday season: over commercialization that begins the day after Halloween, finding the perfect gifts, figuring out to pay for them, taking the perfect photo for your family holiday card, getting them in the mail, decorating your home top to bottom, creating (or maintaining) all those warm and wonderful traditions, etc., etc., etc.

The holidays also mark the end of the year and maybe you haven’t accomplished all that you had hoped to and that’s a tough realization.

This time of the year is meant to be spent with your loved ones, but perhaps you live miles apart and can’t be together or they are no longer with us and the memory of them is easier to conjure.

Maybe there are other reasons that are contributing to your sadness; financial hardship, family feuds, frustrations at work, no job to speak of, it’s too cold, or no special “someone” in your life.

My losses and heartaches are no different than yours, but during this time of the year when To Do lists are long and patience is short, they are a little too close to the surface.

I know that this overwhelming feeling will soon pass and nothing will be sweeter than turning the page on the calendar to a fresh new year full of possibilities. 

In the meantime, I am trying not to overindulge or run myself ragged, doing my best to keep up with my exercise routine and taking on each task one at a time. Trust me, I am NOT always this productive.

Whatever your woes, try to find something this holiday season to make you smile and press on. It’ll be over soon and you don’t want to miss it!

Would this help?

Do you experience holiday blues? How do you manage your stress level? 

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Filed Under: confession, depression, holidays, photos, question, weather Tagged With: confession, depression, holidays, photos, question, weather

Gratitude Is Everything

Posted on December 4, 2011 Written by Tonya

I’ll be the first to admit that I spoil my son rotten, but raising an ingrate is a deep seeded fear of mine.

Recently, I have read some beautiful posts: Change of Plans: Children and Gratitude and When Your Child Acts Entitled on jaw dropping moments mothers have had when their children behave ungrateful.

I rarely leave the house without bringing him home a treat of the edible or four-wheeled variety. Anymore it’s the only way I can get him to go to the super market with me. Thank goodness Matchbox cars are only $1.00, but as you and I both know, those dollars add up visit after visit and I’m the one left grumbling about picking up 75 cars throughout the day.

Lucas is no dummy and has grown to expect a “treat” for doing something I’ve asked of him, for keeping it together while I wander through Target, drag him into the bank, Starbucks, dry cleaners, etc.

We put up our Christmas tree on Friday night and I stayed up long after Lucas had gone to bed to decorate it. I wanted him to wake up in the morning and see it in all it’s glory. 

This is Lucas’ first Christmas tree and I want having the tree to be special for him, a tradition in the making. I thought it would be fun for him to choose a couple of new ornaments, so off to Target we went with a list of a few other household items we needed.

We had a lot of fun picking out three new ornaments; a penguin, a ‘W’ for our surname and a Lightening McQueen (the boy has a thing for the movie Cars) and then he began badgering me to go down the toy aisle, which I was happy to oblige knowing full well I’d be buying him a car in order to get through the rest of my shopping.

He seemed happy with the bright orange car he selected and promptly ripped it from its packaging, making sure to hand me all the pieces (bar code included so that I could pay for it) and we carried on to get laundry detergent.

Somewhere between greeting cards and electronics, he spotted a Cars car set that he just had to have. I let him hold on to it for a while so that I could finish my shopping and explained to him that I wasn’t going to buy it, he had already gotten a car on this trip and that he had three of the six cars in the set at home. This information prompted a complete and utter melt down.

I then returned the set to it’s place on the shelf and asked him if we could compromise; put back the orange car and get a Cars car that he didn’t have. He liked that idea but when we found one that he wanted, he wanted it and the orange car, which was not part of the deal. Lucas is only two-and-a half, but he gets it. He wanted both and said so repeatedly and also, “buy it for me” at the top of his lungs.

In the past maybe I would have bought it just to shut him up, but I need to break that cycle in order to teach him how to be thankful for the toys he does have and not to expect something new every time we are in a store.

I kept my cool and calmly repeated that this was a hard lesson for us both, that was no way to talk to me and I was sorry but, you don’t always get what you want. Needless to say, screaming and wailing and carrying on in mortifying levels followed while standing in the check out that I almost walked away from my cart and right out of the store. No one needs to hear a tantrum.

As we left, an audacious customer said to me, “Seriously, can you not get your kid under control?” to which I replied, “Go to hell.”

Not my finest moment (or response), but WTF? This was none of her concern and her commentary was not only unnecessary, but rude, out of line and shocking to me.

Once we made it to the car, I called my husband in tears exclaiming that I didn’t want to raise an ungrateful child and I had just been called out/judged by a complete stranger.

As odd as it sounds, in the moment I could not tell what I was most upset about; the perception that I could not control my child’s behavior or the behavior itself.

Of course, I know now, without a doubt that it’s my son’s behavior that was most troubling. God knows Lucas did not need another car, so hopefully he will remember walking out of the store without one. 

And that woman means nothing to me but teaching my child gratitude? Means everything.

Do you admittedly spoil your child(ren)? How do teach them about being grateful? What should I have said to that bitch?

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Filed Under: advice, bitch, challenges, character, control, discipline, gratitude, holidays, parenting, question, shocking, shopping, toys Tagged With: advice, bitch, challenges, character, control, discipline, gratitude, holidays, parenting, question, shocking, shopping, toys

Maybe I’m Amazed

Posted on November 21, 2011 Written by Tonya

You’re okay, you’ve got your night light and water and books and lovey.

Nothing has brought me more joy as a mother than hearing the things I’m teaching Lucas repeated back to me. I get such a thrill when I can see in his eyes that something has clicked; a new shape or color has been committed to memory or an additional lyric to a song has been learned. I love witnessing his exploratory mind hard at work taking in everything that he encounters and retains. It’s as though all of my hard work as a parent is being paid off.

Your humidifier is on and we’ll be back to check on you in a little bit.

I can’t hide my smile when Lucas uses “please” and “thank you” without being prompted.

I’m tickled every time he blesses me after a sneeze.

My heart is all a-flutter when Lucas tells me he loves me first and asks for hugs.

This morning, I walked into the living room and heard him comforting his Elmo doll just the way his father and I do at bedtime.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much. Have a good sleep.

It was our bedtime routine verbatim. Not a day goes by that I am not simply amazed by my son.

What has your child done lately that has stopped you in your tracks? 


Don’t forget to enter my Michael Bublé holiday CD give away!

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Filed Under: character, manners, parenthood, parenting, praise, question Tagged With: character, manners, parenthood, parenting, praise, question

20 Questions

Posted on November 6, 2011 Written by Tonya

After seeing this questionnaire on Pinterest (where else?) and pinning it at least twice that I’m aware of, I decided to ask Lucas these 20 questions today, on his 29th month and I’ll repeat this exercise a year from now. 

1. What is your favorite color? Yellow and green

2. What is your favorite toy? Lightening McQueen

3. What is your favorite fruit? Apple

4. What is your favorite TV show? Little Einsteins

5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Mac ‘n’ cheese

6. What is your favorite outfit? A shirt

7. What is your favorite game? Car movie show game (an iPhone app)

8. What is your favorite snack? Fruit chews

9. What is your favorite animal? Zebras

10. What is your favorite song? Hakuna Matata

11. What is your favorite book? Where the Wild Things Are

12. Who is your best friend? Mommy

13. What is your favorite cereal? The crunchy one

14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Kick the ball and chase

15. What is your favorite drink? Apple juice

16. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas tree time

17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? My cars and lovey

18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Apple, cheese and toast (with peanut butter)

19. What do you want for dinner on your birthday? Cake

20. What do you want to be when you grow up? A shark

Photo courteous of Pinterest, click image for source.

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Filed Under: conversations with Lucas, pinterest, question, raising boys Tagged With: conversations with Lucas, pinterest, question, raising boys

Death

Posted on October 24, 2011 Written by Tonya

People don’t like to discuss death.

In many circles, the topic of death and dying is one of those taboo subjects, right up there with religion and politics, however, when it comes to death, there is no debate. Death is final and it is going to happen to all of us.

Death is the great unknown and thinking about our mortality makes us uncomfortable.

Death presumably can never affect us in a good way.

Death represents loss; loss of a loved one, loss of everything that we know.

Death is equated with fear; fear of losing someone and fear of how it will happen to us when it’s our time.

Death is a mystery and makes us question the unimaginable:

Will I go quickly?

Will I be in pain?

Will I see a white light?

Will I have done and said everything I need to when my time is up?

What kind of legacy am I leaving behind?

Will I go to heaven?

Will I ever see my loved ones again?

Will anyone attend my funeral?

How will I be remembered?

Trust me, death is far more than Elisabeth Kübler- Ross’ Five Stages of Grief.

I am convinced that if we talked about death more, if it wasn’t such an off limits subject, it wouldn’t be so scary or hard to face.

Having lost my parents at such a young age, theirs (60 and 58 respectively) and mine (35) and serving as the executor of their estate, I implore you to think about your wishes after you die and discuss them with your loved ones.

Openly.

Candidly.

Luckily, my parents did have a Will, but it had been created 28 years before they died and there were a lot of blanks and unanswered questions. With the help of many people I trusted, their estate is now closed, but it took the better part of three years.

Imagine my shock when I discovered on my father’s last “To Do” list a line item that read: Update Will. He thought he’d have time to revise it.

I also encourage you to talk to your aging parents and/or grandparents about their Last Will and Testaments in addition to their material possessions.

When my sister and I cleaned out my parents home, we separated the things we wanted from the things to be donated and the things to be sold through an estate sale, and still filled a 4′ x 30′ dumpster to the very top with junk. 16 years of paper mostly. My parents it seems were pack rats.

Death is no fun, but it is inevitable and the sooner we stop tip toeing around it, the better.

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Filed Under: advice, aging, controversial topics, difficult subjects, family, grandparents, grief, KRA, loss, MSA, question, stuff Tagged With: advice, aging, controversial topics, death, difficult subjects, family, grandparents, grief, KRA, loss, MSA, question

Adding To Our Family

Posted on October 5, 2011 Written by Tonya

The last time I owned a pet (other than a fish), I was 13. 32 years ago today (!) my family got a puppy.

The day we brought Licorice home, October 5, 1979.

Part Labrador, part Poodle and way before they were called Labradoodles, Licorice was black with a little patch of white fur on her chest. She was sweetest and smartest dog I’ve ever been around.

Running along the ocean was one of Licorice’s favorite activities and we had to spell the word beach or she would go bonkers.

Despite sleeping at the foot of my bed, to be fair Licorice was my mother’s dog. We had her for six years and when we moved, we gave her to some friends that lived down the street.

My mother and Licorice, circa 1982

It’s time for another dog.

My husband STRONGLY disagrees.

ARGUMENTS FOR GETTING A DOG:

  • We’ve been wanting to add to our family. A pet would be a perfect addition teaching Lucas responsibility and giving him a wonderful life long playmate.
  • We have a large backyard with plenty of room for a pooch to roam.
  • I don’t think a more unconditional love exists than the one between a dog and it’s owner. Even when you’re feeling (and acting) miserable, they still love you.
  • Lucas really like dogs, although to be honest (much to my chagrin), he seems like more of a cat person. WE WILL NOT BE OWNING A CAT!! EVER.
  • I love to walk and vow to be in charge of this daily (and nightly) activity.
  • Extra security… for when my husband travels.
  • Opportunity to give a dog a second chance by adopting or saving a pound puppy.
  • Who could resist these precious faces?

Image courtesy of Pinterest. Click image for source.

Image courtesy of Pinterest. Click image for source.

Image courtesy of Snowesti. Click image for source.

ARGUMENTS AGAINST GETTING A DOG:

  • Discovering my favorite shoes chewed to smithereens.
  • We can’t even potty train our son, how would we ever potty train an animal?
  • No more spontaneous (or the other variety) trips – kenneling is expensive.
  • Vet care, food, toys, bedding, treats, etc. are also expensive.
  • Training. Ugh!
  • Shedding. Sigh.
  • Poop.
  • Saying good-bye is inevitable.

Okay, he may have won this argument… for now.

What do you think? Do you own a dog? What love and hate about pet ownership?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, 1.) Share a disagreement you’re having with someone and let your readers be the judge!

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Filed Under: cats, challenges, exercise, family, KRA, loss, love, mama kat's writer's workshop, memories, photos, question, TBW, TDA bio Tagged With: cats, family, KRA, loss, love, mama kat's writer's workshop, memories, photos, Sluiter Nation, TBW, TDA bio

How To Be The Best Blogger In The World

Posted on August 20, 2011 Written by Tonya

I’ve been blogging for almost two years and in that time I’ve learned a couple of things about how to be a good blogger.

There is a method to this madness, an unspoken etiquette that bloggers follow and some very important dos and don’ts.

For those of you feeling super ambitious, follow these tips and you may be crowned: The Best Blogger in the World! Please try to refrain from eye rolling until the end. 

1. Write an informative, insightful, witty, fantastic post every. single. day., complete with links to others and professional photographs to illustrate your points.

2. Publish your fantastic post at midnight on the dot, if you live on the east coast and 9:00 PM, if you live on the west coast.

3. Promote your fantastic post on Twitter (multiple times throughout the day), Facebook, (which includes your blog fan page, your personal Facebook page, the Studio+ 30 and 5 Minutes for Mom pages and any other Facebook pages that will allow you to, Stumble your fantastic post and add a teaser to BlogFrog (or other favorite community site) and join multiple memes/linkies and/or blog hops that apply, even if it’s stretch. It’s called multi-tasking, people. Oh, and driving traffic to your site.

4. Reply to each and every comment your fantastic post receives. Bonus points if you do this within minutes of receiving the comment. 

5. Follow every single person that follows you, whether it be on your blog or Twitter and engage. Hourly. Read their posts, comment on them and promote them.

Ugh.

Clearly, I’m kidding! There is NO WAY in hell anyone could do all this. Even with an extra 24 hours in their day. Though the “blogger guidelines” are unspoken, it sometimes feels like you have to be in people’s faces all the time just to keep up. It gets to be too much sometimes, doesn’t it? It does for me.

Truly, my only advice is this: write from the heart, be true to who you are and do your best to encourage, support and learn from others.

That’s it.  Simple, right?

Blogging shouldn’t feel like a chore. It shouldn’t cause you angst or pressure of any kind and the minute it’s not fun anymore, you should take a step back and reevaluate why you do it in the first place. Why do you blog? I hope it’s not to be the best blogger in the world.

By the way, I did post this on the Facebook pages mentioned above and will Tweet it in hopes of RTs all day. I will try my best to respond to all of you IF you comment, I’m sorry if I don’t already follow you and I would have included a photo but I couldn’t get my son to cooperate. No, he’s not relevant to the subject matter, but he sure is cute. 🙂

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Filed Under: advice, blog, facebook, internet, list, question, twitter, writing Tagged With: advice, blog, facebook, internet, list, question, twitter, writing

My Summer Reading List

Posted on July 25, 2011 Written by Tonya

Try as I might, I could not get this under four minutes so thank you for watching!

Please let me know if you have questions about my recommendations and definitely share your thoughts too.

In order in which I discussed, my summer reading list includes:

One Amazing Thing – Chitra Divakaruni
Sing You Home – Jodi Picoult
Room – Emma Donoghue
Up From The Blue – Susan Henderson
Incendiary – Chris Cleve
The Writing Circle – Corinne Demas 

What are you reading this summer?!

This post is for Vlog Talk. The prompt I chose was #1 Your summer reading list.


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Filed Under: book review, me time, question, video, vlog talk

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