challenges

Flawless

Posted on August 18, 2014 Written by Tonya

My six-month old crawls around my bathroom floor or sits in her bouncy seat as I shower, dress and get ready for the day.

I wonder what she’s thinking as I stand in front of the mirror primping and editing, grimacing at my reflection.

She tracks every movement I make completely mesmerized.

I painstakingly dry and then flatten my curly hair straight, cursing the thickness and amount.

She’s focused.

I carefully pluck stray gray hairs from my head and then tweeze my eyebrows.

She stares in awe.

I apply body lotion and eye cream.

Her gaze is wide and bright.

I examine my face with a magnification mirror, picking and squeezing at tiny black heads.

Each of my actions provide a mystery for her to solve.

I scrutinize my midsection and wonder if I’ll always have 5-10 pounds to lose.

Her curious eyes taking it all in.

This little girl is always watching and listening to what I say and do. What messages do I want her to see? What do I want her to hear? It will be years before she has to worry about any of this, but I think about it almost daily. How will I explain my own vanity to my daughter?

I’ll be honest about the work that can go into attaining feminine beauty and the pressures that are placed on even those who work at it the hardest. I’ll explain that these “pressures” are often self inflicted because of what our society says is beautiful.

I will tell her no matter how she views herself or how she thinks others are, that she is flawless.

I will stress that beauty comes from the inside no matter how many lotions and potions she uses and that less is often more.

I will try to convey that to feel beautiful and confident and accepting of herself is the key to longevity.

And I know she’ll believe me, just as soon as I do.

A Good Cry

Posted on July 17, 2014 Written by Tonya

Have you ever had one of those days (or weeks) when nothing is really wrong yet nothing is really right?

It’s hard to describe.

You continue to go through the motions and you’re content and things throughout the day make you smile, but there’s still a pit in your stomach, a lump in your throat.

You feel… off.

You have a lot on your mind and it’s weighing heavy on your heart. The words aren’t there, just the feelings and your thoughts range from everything will be okay to it’s so awful.

Maybe it’s a lack of sleep or an overwhelming to do list, feeling misunderstood and under appreciated, a devastating news story you read about, a child that refuses to stay little, a friend that has disappointed you forcing you to see them in a whole new light, being the recipient of a kind and generous gesture, worried about another friend’s health prognosis and overall well being, learning that a family member has died, a combination of all of the above.

Whatever it is, you’re on the verge of tears.

Stress eating and a shopping spree don’t help, nor does wine or a long walk. That’s when you know it’s really bad.

Suddenly and mercifully, when you least expect it, you let it go.

All of it.

Unprompted by a song on the radio or a Kleenex commercial on TV, you cry.

A good cry.

A healing cry.

Release.

Clarity.

When was the last time you had a good cry?

I’m That Mom

Posted on April 23, 2014 Written by Tonya

I have ironed my four-year-old’s shirt for school because I want him to look put together and “proper”. I’ve also let him go to school with toothpaste on his collar and a dried milk mustache.

I’ve never worn slippers to my son’s preschool but I have gone without a bra.

I’ll show up 20 minutes early to pick Lucas up on the first day back to school after Spring Break because I missed him but I’ve also (one time only!) been 13 minutes late.

I’ll make declarations that under no circumstances will I buy anything at the toy store and then cave and get something because I want to play with it too.

I make mundane chores like unloading the dishwasher and sorting laundry seem like games so that my son will help me.

I’ve left the house without diapers or bottles, but enough of Lucas’s favorite snacks to feed a small country.

I’ve handed over my phone at 6:30 in the morning so that Lucas could Angry Birds Go! and I could get a few extra minutes of sleep but I’ve also gotten up earlier than that to make chocolate croissants, pack his lunch and assemble 25 snack bags for his classmates.

I’ll make plans and promises to do something and then let my son down, but I hope I’ve also exceeded his expectations with elaborate outings, surprise play dates and fun after school arts and crafts.

I’ve chased my boy around the park playing hide-and-seek until I was sweaty and out of breath and I’ve also sat quietly on a bench and watched him navigate monkey bars and potential new friends.

I’ve lied and said I didn’t know the answer to one of his million questions and I’ve also taken the time to explain things in great detail, looked up poisonous frogs on the Internet and searched for images of Katy Perry so he could “see what she looks like”.

I’ve tucked Lucas into bed to read on his own and I’ve also kept him up past his bedtime to read all 8 newly checked out of the library books.

Parenting is full of contradictions. Some days it’s more no’s than yes’s, lots of yelling and high levels of frustration and others it’s full of synergy, connection and giggles. You win some and you lose some. My children make me weak and strong and everything in between. I hope they always feel my love.

I’m *that* mom.

The one you sometimes roll your eyes at because she seems to have everything together, all the balls are somehow magically juggling perfectly in sync and she has a total Martha Stewart thing going on or you’ve rolled your eyes and scoffed because she (and her children) appear completely clueless, disengaged and disheveled, she’s late, misses deadlines and always looks like she just rolled out of bed.

Yep, I’m *that* mom.

Aren’t you?

Beating Myself Up

Posted on March 31, 2014 Written by Tonya

Last week I went to Old Navy to get Lucas some play shorts and t-shirts and pants for school (what is it about boys wearing out the knees in every single pair of pants they wear?!). I like Old Navy a lot; they have a great selection, true to fit sizes and the price is always right.

Occasionally I’ll buy something fun and trendy for me there as well and right now all of the super cute light-colored springy items have hit their racks and it was too tempting for me. For the better part of eight months all I’ve worn are stretchy pants with secret tummy panels and billowy shirts with elastic along the sides. I’m ready to shop!!

But seriously, what the hell was I thinking trying on pants? I am so far from my pre-pregnancy weight, let alone my pre-pregnancy body. I am able to fit into my “fat” jeans, but none of my true regular pants yet. Those are several sizes from where I am today.

When I was pregnant with Lucas I gained 33 pounds. This time around, 44. 44!! I’m blaming the fertility meds I was on the first trimester and my adoration of baked goods and sandwiches. I’m already down 30 pounds and I know the last 10 are the hardest, but I want results NOW!!

I’ve been walking a lot and since bringing Lola home have worked back up to 4 miles 3 to 4 times a week but it’s time to kick it up a notch…. more cardio, less carbs and maybe enlist a professional! I’ve never been on a diet or nutrition plan, but I’m ready to make some serious changes in my diet.

It’s also time to give myself a break.

It took 9+ months to put all that weight on, I was creating a human for God’s sake so it’s going take a while to get back the way I was.

If I ever do.

The problem is I live in the worst place on the planet for a woman’s body consciousness. Southern California is full of beautiful and fit people. And it can be a very judge-y environment. In my case, most of it self inflicted, but with so much healthy living going on around you, it’s hard not to get caught up in it. I’ve shared my thoughts on weight here and here before but pregnancy is different.

Isn’t it?

I love exercising and I’m not above hard work. I know I’ll get there, but why do I beat myself up like this and why can’t all tags say this? And better yet, why can’t we believe it?

Click on image for source.

A good reminder for us all, no?

How I Beat The Post-Holiday Blues

Posted on December 28, 2013 Written by Tonya

Our first Christmas in our new house was a memorable one and the 75+ degree temperatures have been weird and wonderful. I loved having my in-laws, sister and her boyfriend staying with us and still can’t believe all of my recipes turned out exactly the way they were suppose to. I think spent more time in the kitchen over the last week than I have all year (more on this in another post)! And nothing can compare to a child’s excitement over Santa’s arrival. Lucas was a ball of energy all week!

But now it’s over.

Just like that.

For me the worst part of Christmas is the aftermath: the tree has been taken down, most of the gifts have either been exchanged, returned for the correct size or put away, the last of the pie has been eaten, family and friends have gone home, the mailbox is no longer bursting with greetings and thank you cards have been started.

It’s sad.

So much excitement and anticipation goes into prepping for the holidays and then all at once, it’s over and the warm fuzzy feelings disappear.

Here are some ways I like to combat the post-holiday blues:

Create a scrapbook or fun collage to commemorate holiday memories.

Begin (or in my case, resume) an exercise program. I went for a walk this morning and it was mind clearing and felt great.

Daydream about summer and our next family vacation. We’re thinking Mexico and yes, with a new baby!

Do something productive… as if I haven’t been productive the last few months, making a baby and moving, etc., but I spent some time getting Lucas signed up for swim lessons, soccer and researched karate classes. I also packed a bag for the hospital and renewed my domain name. All of these tasks have been on my To Do list for weeks and I’m glad to have them behind me.

Treat myself. Like me, chances are you have been cooking and baking for family and friends and buying for others, so now is the time to schedule a massage or hair appointment, or some quiet time alone to curl up with a good book (or my brand new Kindle Paperwhite!!).

I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, so I reached out to a friend and we had a great phone call recapping the last few days and planning for the upcoming weeks.

How do you avoid the post holiday blues?

Whatever you do to get through this time, know that these feelings will soon pass and more good times are in store!

Collecting Seashells

Posted on November 19, 2013 Written by Tonya

I have said it before and I’ll say it again, being a mother is the toughest job I have ever had and I’ve had some crummy jobs.

It’s thankless and tiresome and sometimes so frustrating I want to scream, gauge my eyes out and curl up in the fetal position and cry. It’s also rewarding in ways I never thought possible and has taught me so many valuable lessons about love and life and the world around me.

But I digress…

When my husband travels, motherhood is the absolute hardest.

Honest to God, I don’t know how single parents or parents with deployed spouses do it. I suppose they have no choice, so they just do.

Just like Lucas and I have the past five days…. Five days of breakfasts, lunches, dinners, snacks, arguing over screen time, bath time, potty talk, picking up toys and getting shoes on. Five days filled with soccer practice, park visits, hours of games and books, reminders to wash hands and brush teeth, one super fun play date, three viewings of Peter Pan and a beautiful afternoon at the beach collecting seashells.

It was when I finally kicked off my shoes, took a deep breath and got sand under my nails digging for shells with my son that I realized, five days is nothing, I’ve totally got this and I have a great kid! These moments of it just being the two of us are fleeting so I should stop counting down the hours until bedtime and enjoy it.

I may have continued to look at the clock a little more than usual, but we made it through virtually unscathed.

Each time Todd is out of town, I appreciate all that he does to help raise our son, care for our dog, keep our household running smoothly and help my sanity by sharing all of our responsibilities. I am so grateful to have a parenting partner, someone to share the duties, challenges and most of all the love. ______________________________________________________________________________

Day 18: Today I give thanks to my life partner in crime and in all matters of the heart, my husband. I don’t know how (or why) he has put up with me all these years, but I’m glad he has. I love him with all my heart. #30daysofgratitude

Pet Peeve

Posted on October 23, 2013 Written by Tonya

We have a Brittany and he is very smart.

He’s also extremely energetic, completely neurotic, overly sensitive, a disgusting poop eater, can’t be trusted with dog toys because he’ll destroy them and is too cute for words.

He adores my husband and tolerates me. I’m on his case a lot because I ~~am the only one in my house disciplining him~~ spend the most time with him.

At only a year and four months old, Charlie Pasta is still a puppy in many ways and has a lot to learn. To be fair, so do we. Dog ownership is a lot harder than I ever imagined. Turns out it is way more expensive too!

I recently took to Facebook with one of my many and easily most frustrating puppy gripes…

We are now on bed #11. Needless to say, the bitter apple spray didn’t no a damn thing to refrain this mutt.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 4. Your pets least likable character trait.

Somebody Pinch Me!

Posted on September 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

Jimmy Fallon and his wife recently welcomed a daughter and revealed that they spent years trying for a baby before it finally happened via surrogate and I love what he shared with Savannah Guthrie on The Today Show…

I know people have tried much longer [than we have], but if there’s anyone out there who is trying and they’re just losing hope, just hang in there. Try every avenue; try anything you can do, ’cause you’ll get there. You’ll end up with a family, and it’s so worth it. It is the most ‘worth it’ thing.

So perfectly put.

After throwing everything we have at our secondary infertility and it has been a very long three year battle, my husband and I are finally expecting a baby!

I shared our amazing news on Facebook and Instagram today and I am touched by the out pouring of love and congratulations. So many of our family and friends and wonderful people I have met through blogging and sharing our tale have been rooting for us and supporting us throughout this difficult journey. Part of me still doesn’t believe it! I keep waiting for someone to pinch me.

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time or know me IRL, then you know I keep track of everything, so I wanted to share this list.

I share it, not as a formula for how to have a baby if you or someone you know is struggling with infertility and by no means as a way of comparing what we went through versus what you may be experiencing, I’m sharing it because as a society, we need to talk about this disease more and everything that it encompasses; the ups, the downs and all the challenges and in between. This is a topic that I am very passionate about and I believe always will be.

After…

Tens of thousands of dollars spent,
95 Four Square check ins to my fertility doctor’s office,
45 (and counting) acupuncture sessions,
16 failed natural cycles,
12 therapy sessions (a mixed blessing of discomfort and insight),
10 RESOLVE support group meetings,
6 Facebook support groups,
5 miscarriages,
3 friends who kindly gave me shots when Todd was out of town,
3 failed IUIs,
2 D&Cs
2 OBGYNs,
2 acupuncturists,
2 reproductive endocrinologists,
2 failed IVF cycles,
2 2AM 24-hour drug store drive-thrus for syringes,
2 needle/hazardous materials spills in my car,
2 visits to a psychic,
1 major meltdown in the baby aisle at Target,
1 trip to the ER,
1 participation in a panel discussion on infertility,
1 infertility column,
1 amazing team of doctors, who I could never thank enough,
a library worth of books on infertility collected and read, and
countless ~~doctor visits~~ HOURS spent sitting in waiting rooms, blood drawls, ultrasounds, angry phone calls to our health care providers, prescriptions filled, pills popped, herbs choked down, shots in the abdomen and ass, boxes of Mucinex taken (don’t ask), negative pregnancy test results, bottles of wine consumed, heated discussions over finances and priorities, prayers and wishes made and tears shed, (so many tears).

After all this, I am smiling from ear to ear, grateful for this moment and overjoyed to share this perfect photo:

I refused to give up the fight.

I would not give up hope.

I could not squelch the longing.

I believed in miracles.

Meal Patrol

Posted on September 4, 2013 Written by Tonya

Family meal time has always been one of my favorite parts of the day. Gathering together to unplug, catch up, inquire about each others days, laugh, share and nourish our bodies in the process, however, I’ve come to dread breakfast, lunch and especially dinner.

I loathe having to beg my son to eat.

I have grown tired of the negotiations that take place at our dining room table.

I hate being on meal patrol!

I know this is a common problem, but OMG, if Lucas would just eat, I would be happy. Honestly, I can handle the potty talk, drawl out bedtimes, and boundary testing if he would just EAT!!

All the sit up straight, face the table, stop touching your feet, watch your elbows, just two more bites, and try it, pleaaaaase aside, my husband and I struggle daily and nightly to get Lucas to eat anything. I understand his young palette is still developing, but he doesn’t even enjoy “regular” kid food. He won’t touch a French fry, chicken nugget, hot dog or dream of dousing anything in ketchup. What does he eat you ask? The list is very short.

Pasta.

Lots of pasta.

Tons of pasta!

But, it must be prepared a certain way; not too much olive oil, no fancy breadcrumbs on top or other garnish and he would prefer a cheese shaker on the side. Oh, and he likes to eat it with a spoon. So, in addition to being picky, he’s particular about his food too.

Carbs are his favorite food group.

Just recently he started asking for plain cheeseburgers from Old MacDonald’s (as he calls it) and as much as I hate fast food with a passion, I consider this a HUGE victory. It’s protein, right?

In talking to Lucas’ pediatrician, at the end of the day as long as his meals have been colorful (yeah, right!), she tells me not to worry, but I’m a mom and I will worry and I know that yogurt, a cheese stick and a half a banana can’t be all that nutritious for anyone.

I’ve tried a handful of recipes from Jessica Seinfeld’s cookbook, Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food and let’s just say, they didn’t go over very well. My sleuth son was on to my attempt at getting him to eat better.

I consider myself a picky eater and now I fear I’m raising one too. Any advice for me or better yet, make me feel better, what parenting challenges are you facing?

Hold On My Heart

Posted on July 22, 2013 Written by Tonya

Hold on my heart

We can do this.

There have been high expectations.

We have fought the good fight. Repeatedly.

We’ve lost. Repeatedly.

Just hold on to that feeling

You have been cracked wide open, turned inside out and put back together again.

You have been brought to your knees with grief.

You have willed yourself to get out of bed in the morning; to just keep it together.

We both know we’ve been here before

The fortress is sky high around you.

But, I have to protect you.

Or do I?

Clam up, push, walk away, avoid confrontation; anything to prevent truly exploring the feelings.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I need to keep it safe, bottled up.

We both know what can happen

And where has it got me, all this careful protection?

Guarding my heart and closing up tight does not shield me from being hurt. In fact, it does just the opposite.

There is no way to insulate from pain.

Hold on my heart

Pain is a regular part of life and if we love deeply and move through our life with conviction, determination and passion, we can be hurt deeply.

It’s a risk.

Throw me a lifeline

But a good one to take.

I can do this.

It’s going to be a bumpy ride, but I can definitely do this.

Hold On My Heart lyrics by Michael Rutherford, Phil Collins, and Tony Banks.

Flawless

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A Good Cry

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I’m That Mom

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Beating Myself Up

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