character

Raising Confident Girls

Posted on April 4, 2012 Written by Tonya

I am the mother to a young son, but I am a woman and I was a daughter.

I think about having a daughter a lot and quite frankly it scares the hell out of me.

I wonder, how I will I raise a confident, well-rounded, strong, independent (but not too much so) woman?

While I had wonderful and positive parental role models growing up, I did not have the greatest relationship with my mother.

I was told how beautiful I was all the time by both parents and everyone around me and I learned to believe it, but I wish that my parents, in particular my mother, had tried to get to know me better and focus more attention on my other positive characteristics when I was growing up: I could sing, I was a thoughtful friend, very organized, always loved to read, excelled in English Lit, History, French and later Spanish, I was active in student government, landed the lead in school plays and always a starter on school sports teams. But because those traits were never highlighted, it took me many years and a lot of soul searching to realize there is much more to me than my looks.

We put a lot of emphasis in our society on appearance and it’s really a shame….

To read more on how I believe we can raise confident girls, please visit my post today on Smart Mom Style.

Gratitude Is Everything

Posted on December 4, 2011 Written by Tonya

I’ll be the first to admit that I spoil my son rotten, but raising an ingrate is a deep seeded fear of mine.

Recently, I have read some beautiful posts: Change of Plans: Children and Gratitude and When Your Child Acts Entitled on jaw dropping moments mothers have had when their children behave ungrateful.

I rarely leave the house without bringing him home a treat of the edible or four-wheeled variety. Anymore it’s the only way I can get him to go to the super market with me. Thank goodness Matchbox cars are only $1.00, but as you and I both know, those dollars add up visit after visit and I’m the one left grumbling about picking up 75 cars throughout the day.

Lucas is no dummy and has grown to expect a “treat” for doing something I’ve asked of him, for keeping it together while I wander through Target, drag him into the bank, Starbucks, dry cleaners, etc.

We put up our Christmas tree on Friday night and I stayed up long after Lucas had gone to bed to decorate it. I wanted him to wake up in the morning and see it in all it’s glory.

This is Lucas’ first Christmas tree and I want having the tree to be special for him, a tradition in the making. I thought it would be fun for him to choose a couple of new ornaments, so off to Target we went with a list of a few other household items we needed.

We had a lot of fun picking out three new ornaments; a penguin, a ‘W’ for our surname and a Lightening McQueen (the boy has a thing for the movie Cars) and then he began badgering me to go down the toy aisle, which I was happy to oblige knowing full well I’d be buying him a car in order to get through the rest of my shopping.

He seemed happy with the bright orange car he selected and promptly ripped it from its packaging, making sure to hand me all the pieces (bar code included so that I could pay for it) and we carried on to get laundry detergent.

Somewhere between greeting cards and electronics, he spotted a Cars car set that he just had to have. I let him hold on to it for a while so that I could finish my shopping and explained to him that I wasn’t going to buy it, he had already gotten a car on this trip and that he had three of the six cars in the set at home. This information prompted a complete and utter melt down.

I then returned the set to it’s place on the shelf and asked him if we could compromise; put back the orange car and get a Cars car that he didn’t have. He liked that idea but when we found one that he wanted, he wanted it and the orange car, which was not part of the deal. Lucas is only two-and-a half, but he gets it. He wanted both and said so repeatedly and also, “buy it for me” at the top of his lungs.

In the past maybe I would have bought it just to shut him up, but I need to break that cycle in order to teach him how to be thankful for the toys he does have and not to expect something new every time we are in a store.

I kept my cool and calmly repeated that this was a hard lesson for us both, that was no way to talk to me and I was sorry but, you don’t always get what you want. Needless to say, screaming and wailing and carrying on in mortifying levels followed while standing in the check out that I almost walked away from my cart and right out of the store. No one needs to hear a tantrum.

As we left, an audacious customer said to me, “Seriously, can you not get your kid under control?” to which I replied, “Go to hell.”

Not my finest moment (or response), but WTF? This was none of her concern and her commentary was not only unnecessary, but rude, out of line and shocking to me.

Once we made it to the car, I called my husband in tears exclaiming that I didn’t want to raise an ungrateful child and I had just been called out/judged by a complete stranger.

As odd as it sounds, in the moment I could not tell what I was most upset about; the perception that I could not control my child’s behavior or the behavior itself.

Of course, I know now, without a doubt that it’s my son’s behavior that was most troubling. God knows Lucas did not need another car, so hopefully he will remember walking out of the store without one.

And that woman means nothing to me but teaching my child gratitude? Means everything.

Do you admittedly spoil your child(ren)? How do teach them about being grateful? What should I have said to that bitch?

Maybe I’m Amazed

Posted on November 21, 2011 Written by Tonya

You’re okay, you’ve got your night light and water and books and lovey.

Nothing has brought me more joy as a mother than hearing the things I’m teaching Lucas repeated back to me. I get such a thrill when I can see in his eyes that something has clicked; a new shape or color has been committed to memory or an additional lyric to a song has been learned. I love witnessing his exploratory mind hard at work taking in everything that he encounters and retains. It’s as though all of my hard work as a parent is being paid off.

Your humidifier is on and we’ll be back to check on you in a little bit.

I can’t hide my smile when Lucas uses “please” and “thank you” without being prompted.

I’m tickled every time he blesses me after a sneeze.

My heart is all a-flutter when Lucas tells me he loves me first and asks for hugs.

This morning, I walked into the living room and heard him comforting his Elmo doll just the way his father and I do at bedtime.

Mommy and Daddy love you so much. Have a good sleep.

It was our bedtime routine verbatim. Not a day goes by that I am not simply amazed by my son.

What has your child done lately that has stopped you in your tracks?

Don’t forget to enter my Michael Bublé holiday CD give away!

Dear Sherri

Posted on October 25, 2011 Written by Tonya

It’s no secret that I adore Sherri and her blog, Old Tweener.

Sherri is the mother I hope to be someday and she writes the way I hope to write someday. Her words are moving and eloquent, pull at my heart strings and make me appreciate every moment I have right now with Lucas. She reminds me that childhood is fleeting and children grow up way too fast.

I am thankful that I can call Sherri a friend and I am so pleased to have her here today with a beautiful letter to herself on the day she became a mother.

May 28, 1994

Dear Sherri,

Today was an amazing day in your life: the day you became a mother for the first time. We haven’t met yet, but we have a lot to talk about.

You see, I am the mother you will be after almost 18 years of parenting.

That baby boy in your arms right now seems so fragile, so helpless, and incredibly needy. Don’t worry; you’ll figure him out pretty quickly. In time, you will get to know him so well that you can almost read his mind.

Until he’s a teenager, anyway.

Once he starts talking, he will rarely stop. In fact, many of your days with him will seem like one very long question. But please listen to him, answer his questions as best you can, and really try to soak up these moments when he’s so chatty and inquisitive.

Even when you want to stock up on earplugs and convince him that the dog is smart enough to answer his science questions.

Because when he moves on to college one day his words will be few. A funny text every few days, maybe a phone call on Sundays; his voice deep and full of joy.

And you will be glad you listened when you did.

Kiss him and hug him; tickle his little feet and hold his chubby little hands. Blow some raspberries on his round little tummy and nibble on his soft baby neck.

Once he’s too old for this you will wish you’d done it more.

When he’s older, hugs will be replaced by high-fives and pats on the back, at least in public.

Those eighteen years will pass in a heartbeat or two.

Today in the hospital, as you hold that sweet little bundle in your arms I realize it’s hard to understand this part. But your job as his mother is to make yourself obsolete. Nurture him, teach him, and love him relentlessly.

But prepare to let him go.

And then do it.

Because when you do send him off to college one day he will be fine on his own. He will be able to solve his own problems; right his wrongs, make decisions, and find his own way.

And he’ll be so ready for it.

You will be fine, too…trust me, I know this for a fact now.

So get back to learning how to be a mother, how to read his cries, and what he needs from you. Be patient because it’s going to take some time.

But it’s going to seem like it took no time at all.

Love,

Sherri

Patience, Confidence, Remembrance & Sanctuary

Posted on September 28, 2011 Written by Tonya

Our back yard has lush green grass, a huge tree and bushes. The front yard has more grass, bushes and an orange tree. I have never actually tasted any of the oranges, but Lucas likes to collect the rotting ones that fall to the ground.

We buy all of our produce at the super market, albeit organic.

If given a plant in a pot, it would be dead within a month. I guarantee it.

For the past year I have purchased fresh flowers for our dining room table every other week. They range from bright cheerful sunflowers, my favorite flowers or crimson, pink or yellow roses, my birth month flower. Sometimes I’ll get Gerbera daisies or tulips because they both come in such a variety of colors, but I typically it’s a vase of sunflowers.

I have never given a lot of thought to the meaning behind flowers, until I saw this week’s Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop prompts. The first one grabbed me: What type of flowers would be in a bouquet that best describes you? and it not only spending a lot of time of the Teleflora Web site, but I am now also very interested in reading Vanessa Diffenbaugh’s book, The Language of Flowers.

A bouquet made up of the following flowers would best describe me:

Aster because it is a symbol of patience, something I desperately need more of!

Blue flowers (of any kind), because they symbolize trustworthiness, confidence, intelligence and unity, all characteristics I believe I possess. Blue is also my favorite color.

Statice because it is the flower of remembrance.

Queen Anne’s Lace because it fills out bouquets nicely and represents sanctuary. My sanctuary has always been my home, preferably in my jammies with a toddler afoot. All images and flower meanings are from telefora.com.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, 1.) What type of flowers would be in a bouquet that best describes you? (inspired by Persipacity and the article Talking the language of Flowers)

The Perfect Playmate

Posted on September 22, 2011 Written by Tonya

Parents of an unruly two year old desperately seek playmate for their son.

Applicants must be easy going, polite, capable of patiently waiting for their turn, can take “no” for an answer and always pick up their toys when asked. Assistance and guidance will be provided as needed.

Interested parties are expected to challenge our son in such a way that he won’t know what hit him by forcing him to share his toys, books, dessert, crayons, photo ops, Christmas mornings, family vacations, doting parents and possibly clothes.

If applicant is male, he must be willing to share a room and wear hand-me-downs (see above), if applicant is female, she should be able to live with pink toile and either way, should be comfortable forever being known as “the baby”.

A cuddler is preferred but not mandatory.

As the “terrible twos” and maybe even threes (God, help us) subside, candidates should be able to look up to their big brother with admiration, respect, jealousy, animosity and love, all in equal measure. I assure you, he will do the same for you, as well as help guide and protect you. Our hope is that the two of you will become and remain the best of friends.

Although we are not picky, please note that we have been waiting a long time to find the perfect playmate for our son, but know the end of our search is drawing near and believe our home and hearts are open and ready for one more; one more little heart and soul to love and care for, one more set of hands to hold and life to share. We promise to love you as much as our first, but please hurry!

This post is was written for Write on Edge’s writing meme, Red Writing Hood. This week’s prompt: Write a 300 word (or less) personal ad. Constructive criticism is welcome.

My Heart

Posted on September 19, 2011 Written by Tonya

We only have one bathtub in our house and it’s in the master bathroom.

After Lucas has a bath, his favorite thing to do is rush out of the bathroom completely naked and dripping wet and jump and “wrestle in bed”, as he calls it with his dad.

The roughhousing turns into a game of struggling to get Lucas’ pajamas on.

It’s good physical fun for Lucas and great bonding time for both of them, so I usually stay away.

They twist and turn and roll all over the big king-sized bed, pillows are tossed on the floor and laughter can be heard throughout the house. It’s one of my favorite times of the day.

Having no fear or concept of how much his propelling onto his dad’s back may hurt, Todd recently tried to explain to Lucas that he is just a person; a body, made up of water, blood, tissue and bones. Overhearing this from the bathroom, I popped out and asked Lucas what he thought was in his body.

His reply without skipping a beat: “my heart”.

I may have cried a little.

Lucas and his friend, Jackson on Saturday night. Isn't the turquoise water so fun? Thanks to Jackson's mommy, we've discovered Sesame Street Fizzy Tub Color Tablets!

In The Blink Of An Eye

Posted on February 2, 2011 Written by Tonya

Dear Lucas,

It’s hard to imagine you as a teenager when you are currently in diapers, learning your colors, letters and numbers, trying to ween off the bottle, temper your temper tantrums and are about to begin potty training (God help me!).

But, in the blink of an eye, you’ll be there: adolescence. I am so excited for you and all the wonderful things you are about to experience.

You are a delightful toddler and bring so much joy my life. Although we have had our struggles, our bond is strong in large part, I’d like to think, because I let you be your own person. It took a while, but I soon realized that you needed your independence in order to thrive. You have had a strong disposition and character from the moment you were born and both have earned my respect. I hope we always have this comfortable unspoken understanding and that we remain close.

I also hope that you are as sweet today as you were when you were small; that you smile and greet strangers, are polite, kind and considerate and that you never lose your sense of curiosity.

You are in such an amazing time of your life; not quite an adult and no longer a child. You are growing physically and emotionally, so be patient with yourself because being a teenager can be confusing, frustrating and stressful, but also a whole lot of fun! In other words, don’t be afraid to get into trouble every now and then, just no collect calls from jail, please.

No matter what you are going through, your dad and I will always be here to answer any questions you may have and we will do it openly and honestly, with only your best interests at heart. Come to us with anything, day or night. Just know that sometimes the advice we offer, you won’t want to hear. Try to trust us, we were teenagers once too.

The friends you make and the experiences you are having right now will shape your future. Think twice about the decisions you are faced with, seek advice when needed and along the way, explore, enjoy and endure. It goes by so fast.

Please remember how important family is and that we want to be there for all your highs and lows. For as long as I live, or as long as you’ll let me, I will support you, clothe you, feed you and be your biggest cheerleader, no matter what you do.

I love you more than words can express. Today and always.

Love,
Mom

This post is for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop: Prompt 4.) A letter to your future teen.

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Moving On

Posted on June 15, 2010 Written by Tonya

Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power. – Blaine Lee

Friendships shouldn’t be difficult, but sometimes they can be a downright messy and very complicated endeavor.

Some friendships die a natural death: people move, change jobs, start a family, or embark on a completely different stage of life. Other friendships, however, end prematurely and abruptly. When a friendship is over and you don’t always understand why and it can be painful and puzzling. Sometimes a friend ends your relationship without even telling you and sometimes they are able to muster up enough courage to FINALLY say all the things they have wanted to say for a very, very long time.

I spent a good part of last week stewing over a friendship I have had for 20 years. We exchanged scathing e-mails and I ended up sharing some things that were WAY overdue. Should one of us have picked up the phone to discuss our issues? Absolutely, but e-mail has always sort of been “our thing” due to our geographic challenges.

It would take an entire blog to describe all the ups and downs and twists and turns I have had with this person over the years, so I’ll spare you the torrid details and just say that like in any relationship, there were good times and some nice memories that I will always cherish, but ultimately, pride, ego and an unwillingness or inability to “show up” played a huge role in the end of our friendship.

I am certainly not perfect and there are two sides to every story, but this is my blog, so you can figure out which one of us I think was the selfish one.

I have experienced monumental changes during the last three years (I got re-married, lost both of my parents at the same time, left a 10+ year career in marketing to deal with the fall out and became a mother) and my friend wasn’t much of a friend to me during any of these life altering moments and instead of saying anything to her, I pretended that everything was okay.

It wasn’t.

To be fair, she had fallen on tough times too and has spent the last three years trying to find steady work, all the while nursing a back injury sustained from an auto accident and in my opinion popping too many pills and letting herself spiral out of control. Every e-mail I received was worse than the last, a virtual “woe is me” tale of sending out resumes, worry over paying medical bills, asking for money, a repossessed car, and “boy toys”.

Ah, can you say different phases of life?

I am not saying that what was going on her life was was any less important than what was going on in mine, but there was so little acknowledgement of my burdens that it bruised my heart.

How does this relate to Lucas and/or motherhood?

I believe when you become a parent, you gain a much clearer view of the world around you, the relationships you have and what your priorities are. I literally don’t have the time to build egos or coddle anyone but my son (and occasionally my husband) anymore!

Friendship plays a key role in shaping an individual and in making the person he or she turns out to be. I have always thought of myself as a good friend. Thoughtful, loyal, fun to be with and above all engaged. I get caught up in the details sometimes and admit to having high expectations, but over the years, I have realized that that is okay. Why shouldn’t I expect the very same that I give in return? I want nothing less for my son and the friendships he will cultivate someday.

There is a lesson in this loss for me… hopefully, I’m little wiser and will be a lot more open in future. Life is too short.

Today, I feel lighter and a tiny bit sad. I am proud of myself for finally speaking my mind and letting her know how I feel about her absence over the years, but I will miss her and moving on, will think of her only with fondness.

The best is yet to be.

Raising Confident Girls

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Dear Sherri

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Patience, Confidence, Remembrance & Sanctuary

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