love

Cravings

Posted on August 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

Since I was 17, I’ve lived in a perpetual state of missing someone or something.

Topping my list has always has been my parents.

At 17, I went to boarding school for my senior year of high school and never lived under the same roof as them again. I missed them (and my sister) tremendously, but relished in “being on my own” for the first time.

After high school, there was college and still many miles between me and my family. We would spend time together during the holidays and throughout the summer, but I never had enough time with them.

My parents died in 2007 and I think about them and wish they were here every single day. I doubt that longing will never go away.

I missed school after I graduated. Both high school and college. I enjoyed school. I was good at it, especially the social aspect. Go figure!

Even though she’s only an hour away, I miss my sister.

I miss friends that I wish lived next door, in particular my oldest and dearest, friend Sophie.

Lucas met Sophie in New Caledonia in April, 2010.

Since becoming a mother, my desires are simpler, in no particular order here’s what’s missing from my life these days:

1. Sleep. In particular, sleeping in.

2. Grab and gos. The ability to go anywhere without a huge production, whether that means, packing snacks, diapers, struggling to put on someone’s shoes or booking a sitter. I miss the days of just grabbing my purse and going.

3. Living guilt free. I’ve learned guilt comes with the mom territory in many forms and there is no escape…. am I spending enough time with him, is he watching too much TV, am I exposing him to the right activities for his age, how can I get more vegetables into his diet, etc., etc., etc.?

4. Watching TV. Whatever I want, whenever I want.

5. My own name. All I hear any more is “Mommy!”. And “no!”.

6. Did I mention sleep?

7. The sounds of silence. See #5.

8. Yoga. I am going to get back to a regular practice if it kills me. I joined a yoga studio four months ago and have only taken two classes.

9. Going to the bathroom. Alone.

10. Dinner. Easting at home is rushed, eating out is rushed. I miss long, leisurely dinners that were several courses long and lasted longer than an hour.

This post was inspired by Stasha’s Monday Listicles, a linky right up my alley! This week’s topic is 10 I Miss.

Be Still My Heart

Posted on August 10, 2011 Written by Tonya

With his fingers firmly pressed into the back of my arm, Todd urged me to move toward the exit. “Say goodbye and let’s go,” he said forcefully.

He was right.

“Bye, Lucas. Mommy loves you and I’ll be back to get you very soon.”

“Bye, Mommy,” was all I got in return as he scurried around the playground.

Don’t linger, I kept repeating in my head all morning. Don’t make it hard on him. Wait until you get back to the car to cry.

And cry I did.

For him.

For us.

But mostly, for me.

My little boy is in school!

I kept my phone close to me on vibrate and with the ringer turned up to the maximum volume for the three hours we were apart, fully expecting a call from the school begging me to come pick up my son because he missed me so much.

Alas, the phone didn’t ring.

Not once.

When I arrived 15 minutes before I was due, I saw my little boy sitting contently in the lap of the teacher’s aid. Feelings of guilt, relief, surprise and happiness washed over me.

He was fine.

He did it!

We both did.

We made through Day 1.

As soon as he saw me, his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and he rushed over to me, careful not to step on any of the napping bodies that covered the floor. And then all I felt was grateful. Grateful that I was able to bring him home and not have to keep him there the rest of the day like so many other working mothers have to. What a sight for sore eyes.

I know I kissed and hugged him a little more than usual that day, so proud of him. So full of love.

I missed Day 2 because I was at BlogHer, but I heard Lucas did equally as well.

This week has been a bit harder and there have been some tears, requests for Mommy and his lovey, which his teacher says is normal for week 2. Today he asked if he could take his lovey tomorrow “…to have in his cubby”, just in case. I think that can be arranged.

We are all getting used to a new schedule, time apart and having a student in the house. One thing I won’t have any trouble getting used to are the art projects my little buddy hands me with so much pride in his eyes.

Ah, be still my heart:

Lucas' first piece of school artwork.

Show Me Something I’ve Never Seen Before

Posted on July 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

Show me something I’ve never seen before; a treasured photograph of your grandparents or a handkerchief your father wore in his lapel.

Take me somewhere I’ve never been; a place where the land meets the sea, the breeze is cool and your mind calms.

Introduce me to the friend you’ve known the longest, a dish at your favorite restaurant and a book you stayed up all night reading.

Feed me tales and sweet memories of your childhood.

Walk me through the details of your wedding day right up to the moment, with hope glistening in your eyes and your voice trembling you said, “I do”.

Sing me the same soothing lullaby night after night; the one that helps ease my fears and dream vividly.

Tell me a secret and I promise to keep it safe in my heart forever.

Let me make mistakes and learn as I go, no matter how difficult it may be for you to witness.

Treat me with kindness and respect all the days of your life.

Read me a page from the journal you kept as a child so that I might have a glimpse of the dreams you had as a young girl.

Bake me oatmeal chocolate chip cookies from a recipe that has been in your family for generations.

Teach me the lyrics to your favorite song and whenever I hear it I’ll feel closer to you even if we are miles apart.

Protect me, as best you can, from negativity, bullies and cars that drive down our street much too fast.

Help me see the good in people, root for the underdog and learn to forgive by building compassion in my heart and in my soul.

Cradle me in your arms while you smooth out my hair and tenderly run your fingers down my back.

Guide me through life as though you were my tour guide, exposing me to places near and far but always emphasizing the importance of home.

Look me in the eyes when you have bad news to share or we toast to those no longer with us.

Remind me, despite my flaws, how special I am and I’ll do the same for you.

Comfort me with your words of love, honesty and praise.

Show me something I’ve never seen before, mom.

This post was featured on Natalie’s blog, Mommy of a Monster, in her weekly feature, Monster Likes #26 on Saturday, July 16, 2011.

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Reflections On 39 Years

Posted on June 26, 2011 Written by Tonya

It’s my birthday and in my 39 short years on this planet, I have…

1. moved 27 times.
2. owned five cars.
3. ran a 1/2 marathon.
4. sky dived in Tucson, Arizona and scuba dived in Port Elizabeth, South Africa.
5. learned that money can’t buy happiness, but it can make things a little easier.
6. graduated from college.
7. been fired from, laid off and quit three different jobs.
8. learned that everything in moderation is the best way to live.
9. been a bridesmaid four times and a bride twice.
10. attended approximately 39 concerts (15 of which were Dave Matthews shows).
11. learned that change is unavoidable.
12. been on a road trip (15+ hours round trip) by myself.
13. broken my collar bone.
14. been in five car accidents (three of which were my fault).
15. gotten three tattoos (and want at least one more).
16. walked 180 miles in three 3-Day Walks for breast cancer research.
17. thrown a surprise party.
18. climbed the pyramids, hiked into the Grand Canyon, kissed at the top of the Eiffel Tower and walked across the Golden Gate Bridge.
19. realized that family, no matter how often you see one another is important.
20. learned that you can get grey hair and acne at the same time. Unfair and annoying, but true.
21. won a sewing contest in the third grade, the leading role in a school play when I was a Senior in high school, a customer service award once I started working and two giveaways from blogs I read.
22. never had to be bailed out of jail.
23. learned that home is where the heart is.
24. swam with dolphins in Mexico and zip-lined in Costa Rica.
25. been the first one to apologize and the first one to walk away.
26. learned that music really can save your mortal soul.
27. discovered that asking for help is not a weakness, but a strength.
28. called 911 twice (not for Lucas, thank goodness!)
29. collected more books than I’ll ever be able to read.
30. watched every single episode of Sex & the City, Alias and Grey’s Anatomy.
31. attended the Grammy’s and Emmy’s.
32. learned that a vast majority of people can be worn over with a smile and a little kindness.
33. been blessed with the best friends a girl could ask for.
34. only wanted the very best for my sister, Leah.
35. never missed my parents more than I do today, except maybe tomorrow.
36. had more perfect moments than one person should be allowed.
37. made a baby with a man I admire, love and respect.
38. never tired of hearing “Mommy”.
39. a lot more living to do and tons more to learn.

Here’s looking forward to the next 39 years!
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Maximum Love

Posted on May 5, 2011 Written by Tonya

Yesterday I had the distinct pleasure of listening to the Dalai Lama speak about compassion and positive thinking.

The Buddhist leader, wearing his traditional red and orange robes and a UC Irvine Anteaters visor cracked himself up more than once as he shared his message of peace and understanding. He explained that the problem we face with unhappiness is of our own creation, fed by too much stress, worry and frustration. He said we need a calm mind to see reality clearly.

According to the Dalai Lama, the goal of education should be to “develop sensible, compassionate leaders who are realistic and warmhearted.” He also stressed the importance of respect for all religions – and nonbelievers as well – which elicited cheers from the crowd of almost 5000 people.

When asked by a UC Irvine student how to obtain world peace, he fondly recalled his own mother being very kindhearted and said that “family has the real responsibility for making the world a better place and that we should make our homes a warm atmosphere, pay attention and provide maximum love, affection and compassion to our children”. I love this, believe it wholeheartedly and I’m going to put it on my refrigerator.

What a delightful afternoon.

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What I Love About Being A Mom

Posted on April 27, 2011 Written by Tonya

The top five things I love about being a mom:

1. My kisses make boo boos all better.

2. I get to play, act really silly, sing and dance, color with crayons, blow bubbles, use sidewalk chalk and squish Play-Doh between my fingers.

3. I love hearing “mommy”, even if it’s three o’clock in the morning.

4. I have to listen to my instincts, go with my gut and trust that the decisions I am making are the “right” ones for my son.

5. There’s a little person running around growing, learning, thriving, smiling and being super cute all because of me and my husband.

What do you love about being a mom?

I threw this question out on Twitter the other night and here are some of the touching and humorous responses I got (names have been withheld to protect the innocent, sentimental and exhausted), in the order in which they were received:

Bedtime
Earlier today my kiddos and I were hanging out on my bed goofing around. I like those moments best.
I love feeling needed. And I love how proud I am of my son. Every day.
Not a mom but I crave the chance to relive the wonder of life thru the eyes of an innocent child. To see reactions at tastes and the feeling of sand on their toes the first time they realize it feels different. Reactions to music.
I love that they are mine.
The unconditional love you get in return. Kisses & hugs & laughs & funny conversations. & the pride when they succeed/excel.
What do I love about being a mom? Right now I really love bedtime.
Little stuff: my kiddo holding my hand, knowing how to make him laugh, comfort him. Big stuff: watching a person I created learn and explore. Passing on my values. Seeing a person emerge.
I love being there for everything, from small scrapes to huge milestones. I love every second of their lives.
I love morning bed snuggles and kisses from my 4 yr old who says *I Love You Mama!!*
I love that I get to nurture and take care of my little ones’ needs.
I love being called “mama”.
I love the snuggles. little I love you’s at random times of the day. The idea of a piece of me in them. Seeing myself in them.
I love pressing my cheek against their little cheeks.
Coming home from even just the grocery store, and opening the door to huge eyes full of excitement while they are all jumping up and down chanting “mama! mama!”…and Tater says “I missed you so much mom!”

This post was featured on Natalie’s blog, Mommy of a Monster, in her weekly feature, Monster Likes #16 on April 30, 2011.

A Woman I Didn’t Know

Posted on April 20, 2011 Written by Tonya

I had a good mother but she and I did not have the type of relationship that I would have liked. We didn’t share intimate secrets or inside jokes. She wasn’t the first person I would think of to call when I had a dilemma. I loved her dearly but I didn’t know her at all.

It’s taken me a long time to be able to admit that my mother and I were not close, especially since she has been gone for over three years.

My mother was a sweet and giving person. She taught kindergarten or third grade my whole life. She loved to celebrate each and every holiday with gusto. She sent heartfelt greeting cards and made the best chocolate chip cookies on the planet. Her motto was a cliche that I grew to hate: c’est la vie because it became her “go to” response to EVERYTHING.

My mother was a very intelligent woman and I can recall hearing my father comment many times on her high IQ, but she didn’t talk very much.

I don’t think she knew how to express herself.

Until I realized that, she seemed disinterested, oblivious and even intimated by me. I know she must have had a lot of opinions, but she didn’t share them, even after much probing.

There were nightly conversations in our home on a variety of topics ranging from entertainment and politics to current events and religion and it was always my father, sister and me having the discussions, while my mother sat quietly on the sidelines not contributing a word.

Was it our fault?

Did we not include her enough?

Did she think she couldn’t relate?

Did she feel as though her opinion didn’t matter to us?

It did. Very much.

She appeared to be listening and taking it all in, but there was zero exchange.

I was once at a job for more than two years before she ever asked me what it was that I did.

I can accept the things my mother was, but to this day I cannot accept the things that she was not.

I wish we had both tried harder.

If my mother blogged or even kept a hand written diary when I was Lucas’ age, I feel like I would have been privy to a woman I don’t feel like I knew. I would have learned of her inner most thoughts and feelings on motherhood, dreams for me and herself. I would be able to read about her passions, joys, sorrows, strengths and weaknesses and love for me.

I would have very much appreciate, benefited from and cherished a Letters For Tonya blog.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 2.) If my Mom were a blogger…

Hopes, Dreams & Wishes – Redux

Posted on February 17, 2011 Written by Tonya

I wrote this piece last year when I had all of three followers and I immediately thought of it when I read this week’s Red Writing Hood’s writing prompt: Write a piece about finding a forgotten item of clothing in the back of a drawer or closet. Let us know how the item was found, what it is, and why it’s so meaningful to you or your character.

With some editing, here is Hope, Dreams & Wishes:

Long before I ever thought I’d have children and certainly long before I had Lucas, I bought this little sweater. I found it at Old Navy, of all places. It was originally $16.50 and had been marked down to $3.99. The tag is still on it.

From the moment I saw it, I thought it was precious.

Navy blue is my favorite color and I loved the adorable red heart with the arrow going through it and something came over me and I just had to have it. I remember thinking at the time while standing in the check out line, I’m nowhere near ready to have children, why on earth am I buying this?!? I don’t even have a boyfriend.

It took me a while to realize that this tiny little sweater represented something stupendous and wonderful. Something bigger than myself. Something that was yet to be. It represented where my life was going to be someday. Where my life, if I was lucky enough, was heading…

True love, romance, marriage, children, cuddles, giggles, and a lifetime of memorable firsts and happy moments.

A childhood, not unlike my own.

The sweater stayed safely wrapped in tissue paper in the bottom of my pajama drawer for years, but each February when Valentine’s Day rolls around, I remember the sweater.

Just last week, ironically the week before Valentine’s Day, I was organizing Lucas’ closet and I came across this tiny sweater. I was about to add it to the donation pile until I realized what it was.

Maybe someday we’ll have a little sister for Lucas, as the sweater is far too feminine for him to wear and at size 3-6 months, far too small for him anyway.

I gingerly put the sweater back on the hanger, returned it to the closet and there it will stay as a peaceful reminder that so many of my hopes, dreams and wishes have already come true.

Click here to read the original piece posted February 12, 2010: Hopes, Dreams & Wishes.

Mysterious Ways

Posted on February 10, 2011 Written by Tonya

I could never have imagined that my parents would not meet my son.

It didn’t once enter my thought process when I dreamed about having a family. In my mind, two sets of grandparents were always part of that equation.

Being a parent without parents never ever crossed my mind.

They should be here.

My son should have two sets of grandparents.

My mother and father should know Lucas.

Lucas should know my mother and father.

He will.

Lucas will know my parents through me and my husband and my sister and anyone else that wants to tell him about what amazing people they were. He’ll hear that he reminds us of them in small ways; like a simple expression on his face that looks just like one my mother would make when she was giddy with excitement and big ways, too, like Lucas’ insatiable curiosity that was so similar to my father’s and how they were taken from all of us too soon.

But it’s not the same.

Lucas is missing being able to go to a Red Sox game with my dad, hear first hand about the small town in Texas where he grew up. He is missing learning about stamp collecting, how to make the perfect Orange Julius and the intrigue of film-noir movies.

Lucas is missing holding my mother’s soft hands, devouring her scrumptious chocolate chip cookies and celebrating each and every holiday with gusto, as only she knew how.

Lucas is missing out on so much.

But they are missing out too.

I have a beautiful, smart, funny, awesome son and just once, I’d love for my parents to able to hear his magical laughter every time I chase him around the park.

Losing my mother and father at such an early age, mine and theirs respectively, is unfathomable. But, sometimes the universe works in mysterious ways and the unfathomable happens. I lost my parents and less than a year later became pregnant with Lucas. I suffered the greatest loss of my life and then gained light and hope and more joy than I ever thought my heart could hold.

I could never have imagined that my parents would not meet my son or that they wouldn’t be here longer than they were, but the way I used to think changed and then the whole world shifted.

If want to know more about how I lost my parents, please read For My Broken Heart.

This post is for The Red Dress Club’s writing meme, Red Writing Hood. This weeks prompt was to write a post that begins with the line, “I could never have imagined” and ends with the line, “Then the whole world shifted.”

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Head Over Heels

Posted on December 9, 2010 Written by Tonya

When just the mere mention of his name makes my heart melt and beat a little faster.

When that first recognition of my existence made me feel like I could do anything.

When he reaches for me, it’s as though I’m the only person in the world.

When he smiles at me and it is so sweet and tender, it makes me want to cry.

It’s a want it, need it, gotta have it feeling that I’ve never felt before.

It’s that kind of love.

Sure, I’ve loved before; the comfort of my own bed, a perfectly worn in pair of jeans, a Dave Matthews song I’ve heard a thousand times before that will never lose it’s impact on me, the scent of my grandmother’s perfume that enveloped me every time I entered her house and my best friend, because she’s everything I’m not and can make me laugh like no one else on earth.

But, I’ve never loved or been loved like this before.

So intensely.

So completely.

So unconditionally.

He is a part of me and no matter what, he always will be.

The love I have for my son’s father is deep and passionate and it’s because of the love we share that I have this precious child at all, but it’s a different kind of love.

There is nothing like the love a mother has for her son.

This is my first attempt at The Red Dress Club’s writing meme, Red Writing Hood. This weeks prompt is: Write a short first-person story about your first love, or write a short fiction piece about a character’s first love.

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Be Still My Heart

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