my letters

This Boy

Posted on June 5, 2015 Written by Tonya

Oh, how I love this boy!

Photo by Tereza Harper, January 27, 2015

This boy who made me a mommy.

This boy who brings magic and joy to my life when I need it most.

This boy who is healthy and intelligent and creative and kind.

This boy who makes me act silly and come up with nonsensical song lyrics and dance around the kitchen.

This boy who knows exactly what to say to get me on the trampoline.

This boy who has me learning Skylanders characters and sharing the latest Star Wars movie previews and downloading games with names like Pixel Gun and Buddyman to our iPad.

This boy who costs me at least $20 more every time I take him with me to the supermarket.

This boy who I can’t say no to when it comes to books.

This boy who shares my love of dinning out and being pampered.

This boy who is sensitive and rambunctious, curious and insightful.

This boy who can push each and every single one of my hot buttons to the point where I am in tears and yet, I love him anyway.

This boy who I schedule play dates for, buy his favorite snacks, pay a dollar so he’ll run upstairs to check on his napping sister and can make me giggle until I almost pee in my pants.

This boy owns me.

This boy is gold.

Lucas, my sweet boy, you are awesome and being your mom makes me happier than anything else I have ever done, or will ever do in my lifetime.

I believe in you and know you will reach any goal you set your mind to. I am on your side, your cheerleader, and biggest fan. Always!

I can’t wait to see what six holds.

Happy Golden Birthday, fellow.

Dear Lola On Your 1st Birthday

Posted on January 30, 2015 Written by Tonya

Dear Lola,

My world became immensely sunnier the day you were born.

When I first laid my eyes upon you, I was filled with a sense of relief and peace I hadn’t felt in a very long time.

Today we celebrate a year of you.

We celebrate the fact that we thrived and loved every moment of your first year.

Our family was full before and complete, but once you arrived you oozed into all the tiny cracks and crevasses and made us whole. You fit in so nicely and as if you were always meant to be.

I would not be the mother I am without you, and while I am teaching you and your brother life lessons, you are transforming the very core of me.

You are everything I imagined you would be and so, so much more. Thank you for being such an easy baby, for sleeping through the night since you were four months old, for making us laugh and for each and every smile. Thank you for the quiet moments when I hold you close and you stare deep into my eyes with an all knowing sense. Thank you for your patience with me when I’m overwhelmed and for letting me take you for daily walks.

Thank you for being my light in the dark.

I love you, Muffet and I can’t wait for year two!

Mommy
xoxo

Dear Baby Girl

Posted on December 31, 2013 Written by Tonya

My first Letters For Lucas post was Dear Baby Boy, a letter I wrote to Lucas before he was born. I wrote this letter when my heart was light and my cares were few. I was bursting in anticipation to meet our son and loved every minute of being pregnant with him. Looking back, I took my entire pregnancy for granted. I was native. I didn’t realize at the time what a miracle getting pregnant and staying pregnant was. A long hard three and half year battle with secondary infertility would teach me what a gift bringing a child into this world truly is.

Our baby girl will be here very soon and I know her arrival is going to be something I will have a hard time putting into words. It’s hard for my brain to go there even now as I feel her slowly move and adjust inside my belly. I can’t wait to meet her and hold her and kiss her and be her mother.

I wrote the following letter on Sunday, December 22 at 3:53 AM, I was 35 weeks pregnant:

Dear Baby Girl,

In just a few short weeks you will be here and I’m feeling surreal, scared and overwhelmingly happy. Finally, after years of trying, years of hoping and wishing and praying for you, you will be here.

My daughter. I never thought I would be the mother of a daughter, but now I can’t wait! It is such a wonderful time to be a woman in this world and I already know what a fighter you are.

You aren’t even here yet and I have fallen madly and completely in love with you and you will never know how much I have dreamt about the day we meet, in fact just thinking about it makes my heart twinge and eyes fill with tears. You are so very wanted and we have been waiting for you for so very long.

This is an exciting time for our family, we just moved into a beautiful new house but I know it won’t be until after your arrival that it starts to feel like a home; that it feels complete.

Your brother is anxious to meet you too and is already very protective of you. I hope the two of you will be the best of friends and that you protect him as well. He is an amazing boy and I know he will be a good big brother to you. Some day when your father and I are gone, he will be all you have left of us. Be there for one another and always be strengthening your relationship.

I know that you and I will have our ups and downs but we are forever bonded as mother and daughter and I will cherish you and our relationship always. May you never ever doubt my love.

Anxiously awaiting your arrival.

With all my love,
your mother

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more.

– A Thousand Years, Christina Perri

(This was my “go to” song so many times throughout this journey to have you and I love the lyrics.)

Four

Posted on June 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

Lucas,

You are an amazing kid.

Sure, you’re my son and I am totally bias, but you really are and I wish everyone could meet you so they could see for themselves.

You have magical powers, making me laugh when I want to cry and pushing me to be more patient with myself and the world around me. I hope you will continue to be patient with me, too. Always expect better from me.

I love singing Taylor Swift’s “22″ at the top of our lungs as we drive around town, reading tales of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and Peter Rabbit, speaking in British accents, sitting next to you sharing a turkey and Swiss on wheat at Subway and cuddled up close on our couch for movie nights.

You’re smart, considerate and funny and for the life of me, I don’t know what I ever did to deserve you but whomever I owe, I’ll be forever indebted.

My love for you is immeasurable and I am so lucky to be your mom. One of my greatest joys has been becoming your mother and watching you grow and change and learn and bloom.

Wishing you, my sweet and precious boy, a very happy fourth birthday!

Love,
Mommy xoxo

A Belated Valentine To My Dog

Posted on February 16, 2013 Written by Tonya

Dear Charlie Pasta,

You came right to me.

You chose me.

Out of all your equally adorable little brothers and sisters, you stumbled your way to me. I didn’t want an orange and white Brittany, I wanted a liver (chocolate) and white. But your little face won me over. Thank goodness you couldn’t see very well yet because I was a fright having just spend several days taking care of a sick toddler. I don’t even think I showered the day we met.

You were barely a month old but I knew I wanted you too.

My God, what I was thinking?!

I was so insistent on adding you to our family, I literally begged and pleaded with Todd for months! Oh yeah, I hate to break it to you but your BFF didn’t want a dog. He fights to keep you now, so you’re safe.

Over the last six months you have tried my patience beyond belief and we are still struggling to find some common ground.

You’re a puppy, I get it, but for the love of all the leaves and birds you chase in our backyard, the holes you enjoy digging so much, the chicken flavored treats you adore, the dirty socks you hoard and all the rounds of fetch I have played with you, please calm the fuck down!!

We have been told that your breed is an “energetic” one, that you require lots of exercise, thrive on having a task and find it difficult to relax. You and I should be getting along famously because that describes me to a T.

Alas, we don’t.

Yet.

I know we’ll turn a corner soon and until then, I’ll try to have more patience with you, my sweet little freckle faced friend.

As long as you keep looking at me with a cock-eyed head when it’s 2 minutes past your feeding time and the lower half of your body shakes to one side when you wag your tail, I’ll keep taking you on long walks, searching high and low for more challenging (and indestructible) toys and picking up your poop. Deal?

In spite of our similarities, I love you and all the fury, frustration and fun you have brought to our family.

You have never cared what I look like or if I’m happy, sad, sick or frazzled. You chose me.

Love,
Me

P.S. In the middle of writing this, I left you outside unsupervised for five minutes and you dug a hole, asshole!

Be Here

Posted on June 27, 2012 Written by Tonya

I usually leave the letter writing to you around here, but from time to time, I just have to address someone. This is one of those times.

Dear Mom at the park,

We’ve never met.

I don’t know you.

I don’t pretend to have any idea what kind of life or even day you have had or what may be running through your head at this very moment, but I know that we all have stuff, heavy stuff and life is full of distractions.

I’ll be the first to admit that being a mom is really tough sometimes.

I know I’m out of place and you can tell me to go straight to hell, but I couldn’t help noticing your complete disinterest in your child as he desperately tried to get your attention today at the park.

Do you hear him?

Mom, watch this.

Mom, push me.

Mom, let’s build something.

Mom, help me.

Mom, will you chase me?

Mom?

Mom?!

MOM!

Everyone else at the park does.

Please get off your phone and pay attention to your boy.

Incidentally, that scream came from your son who just face planted into the hot rough sand. He needs you.

That incessant plea to be pushed on the swing is coming from your son.

Put your coffee aside and help your little boy get down from the monkey bars. He wants you.

He wants to spend time with you!

It’s not my job to tell your kid that throwing sand is not okay, not to mention barging in front of children half his age. Coming to the park is suppose to be fun for all of us. Sure it’s a drag when there are dozens of places we would rather be, but we are here so let’s make the best of it.

Be here.

Besides, would it kill you to engage with your child? Couldn’t you block the world out and chase him around in the grass for a few minutes? Why not take a load off and lay on your backs and count the clouds in sky? Build a magnificent sand castle? Slide down the slide together?

Do something.

Anything.

Laugh. Smile. Love.

It’s one afternoon, one hour, if that and I’m sure there will be no lasting effects, but childhood goes by way too fast and before you know it, an afternoon turns into a week and weeks become months and so on. I don’t want you to miss it.

Sincerely,

Someone who has been there.

Three

Posted on June 6, 2012 Written by Tonya

My one and only Lucas,

Today you turned three and I am still walking around with my jaw on the floor honestly not knowing where the last 1095 days went. They were gone in a flash.

Some so much quicker than others.

The smiles, joy, hope, love and magic you have brought to my life are immeasurable and if I’m being honest, that goes for the frustration, worry and confusion too.

This motherhood thing is tricky and there are many days I feel as though I am learning as I go. Hopefully I’m getting a little better each day. Either way, I will forever be grateful to you for your trust and patience.

Lucas, you are my greatest accomplishment, my favorite person in the world (next to your dad, of course) and I am so blessed and honored to be your mother. Seeing the way your face lights up chasing bubbles in the backyard, taking that first bite of an ice cream cone and pedaling down the sidewalk on your new bicycle assures me know that life is beautiful, no matter what heartaches or struggles I may face.

Because of you, I channel my inner child and sing silly songs and make funny noises, all in an effort to hear you giggle.

Because of you, I am reminded daily how important it is to love and be loved.

Because of you, I want to be a better person, a great mom, lead by example and offer you every single opportunity I have had and more. I want to show you the world and watch how your make your way through it.

Because of you, my life is richer.

You know how to make me laugh when I want to cry.

You are a wonder to behold and witnessing you grow and change and explore is such a pleasure. Each day brings new adventures.

My heart and soul belong to you, Lucas and today I am wishing you the happiest of birthdays.

Love,
Mommy xoxo

My love. Flying home from vacation June 5, 2012.

If I Could Turn Back Time

Posted on April 27, 2012 Written by Tonya

At 18 we think we know it all. At least I sure did and as it turned out, as it does with most 18 year olds, I didn’t know a damn thing. If I could go back and read a letter from my future self, here’s what it would say:

There will be loss, disappointment and a lot of tears, but for the most part, you will have a very blessed life. Enjoy it, be grateful, don’t be so hard on yourself, have fun and be young and carefree. It goes by so fast.

Among some other things regarding men and hairstyles to avoid…

Today, I’m happy to be at Jamie’s Chosen Chaos sharing a letter to my ~~dumber~~ younger self. Please come read it won’t you?

Jamie was a guest on Letters For You a couple of weeks ago and if you missed her letter to her older self, please read it here.

Dear Santa

Posted on December 22, 2011 Written by Tonya

With only THREE shopping days until Christmas, I sure hope someone sees this in time…

Dear Santa,

I’ve been nice this year (well, I tried) and I’ve come up with a short list of five things I’d really like to find under the tree Saturday morning:

Someone other than me to fill the Q-tip container.
A guaranteed two hour nap from Lucas each and every afternoon, along with no hitting, throwing, splashing, biting or temper tantrum (especially in public or in front of his grandparents). Ever.
I would also love it if Lucas could find a way not to wait until 30 seconds before we are about to walk out the door to poop.
A car that never needs gas, a refrigerator that’s always full and an endless supply of paper towels.
And last but not least, just once I’d like to go on a trip and not have a lotion, face wash or bubble bath leak in my toiletry bag.

Of course no Christmas wish list would be complete without wishing happiness, love and success to everyone in my life and peace on earth and goodwill toward men.

Okay, I lied, there are WAY more than five things I’d like this Christmas. Please see above about “trying” and have a little mercy.

Merry Christmas, Santa!

Love,
me

Tell Her

Posted on September 18, 2011 Written by Tonya

Tell her it has been far too long since we’ve seen her beautiful face or heard her deep laughter.

Make sure she knows we miss her.

Tell her we hear her; every single tear and every single plea and we wish we could provide the answers she seeks.

Tell her to trust in her heart that we are always by her side, even if she can’t see us and that whenever she feels a cool gentle breeze on a warm day or spots a hummingbird in the most peculiar of places, that is us; whenever the smile on a stranger’s face makes her feel at ease or she hears one of our family’s favorite songs on the radio, that is us too. We are all around quietly guiding and watching her.

Tell her how pleased we are with the woman she is becoming and the direction her life has taken. Assure her that her future is brilliant and that she should hold on to her dreams with fierce determination and with a little luck and a lot of hard work, they will come true.

Tell her there will be more heartache for her, but nothing that she is unable to withstand. Make her believe that she is so much stronger than we ever realized.

Let her her know that in tough times, it is okay to lean on you, Tonya, that though your exterior is tough, you feel as much as she does and will always be there for her. You are sisters and she needs to know how much you love her and that you always have her best interests at heart.

Tell her that your son is… well, there really are no words. Lucas is sublime and the perfect antidote for the sadness you both must feel since we’ve been gone. We are so grateful for his presence. He is wise beyond his years, enjoy him.

We don’t have to tell either of you how short life is or how it can change in an instant, you both know that now, better than anyone. We were not ready to go. Please live each day to it’s fullest and never forget how loved you are.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Knowing it would defy all logic and reason, it’s an interesting concept, so if my parents could reach me, I believe this is what they want me to tell my younger sister, Leah.

This Boy

Related Posts:

Dear Lola On Your 1st Birthday

Related Posts:

Dear Baby Girl

Related Posts:

Four

Related Posts:

A Belated Valentine To My Dog

Related Posts:

Be Here

Related Posts:

Three

Related Posts:

If I Could Turn Back Time

Related Posts:

Tell Her

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

What I Write About