quotes

Somebody Pinch Me!

Posted on September 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

Jimmy Fallon and his wife recently welcomed a daughter and revealed that they spent years trying for a baby before it finally happened via surrogate and I love what he shared with Savannah Guthrie on The Today Show…

I know people have tried much longer [than we have], but if there’s anyone out there who is trying and they’re just losing hope, just hang in there. Try every avenue; try anything you can do, ’cause you’ll get there. You’ll end up with a family, and it’s so worth it. It is the most ‘worth it’ thing.

So perfectly put.

After throwing everything we have at our secondary infertility and it has been a very long three year battle, my husband and I are finally expecting a baby!

I shared our amazing news on Facebook and Instagram today and I am touched by the out pouring of love and congratulations. So many of our family and friends and wonderful people I have met through blogging and sharing our tale have been rooting for us and supporting us throughout this difficult journey. Part of me still doesn’t believe it! I keep waiting for someone to pinch me.

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time or know me IRL, then you know I keep track of everything, so I wanted to share this list.

I share it, not as a formula for how to have a baby if you or someone you know is struggling with infertility and by no means as a way of comparing what we went through versus what you may be experiencing, I’m sharing it because as a society, we need to talk about this disease more and everything that it encompasses; the ups, the downs and all the challenges and in between. This is a topic that I am very passionate about and I believe always will be.

After…

Tens of thousands of dollars spent,
95 Four Square check ins to my fertility doctor’s office,
45 (and counting) acupuncture sessions,
16 failed natural cycles,
12 therapy sessions (a mixed blessing of discomfort and insight),
10 RESOLVE support group meetings,
6 Facebook support groups,
5 miscarriages,
3 friends who kindly gave me shots when Todd was out of town,
3 failed IUIs,
2 D&Cs
2 OBGYNs,
2 acupuncturists,
2 reproductive endocrinologists,
2 failed IVF cycles,
2 2AM 24-hour drug store drive-thrus for syringes,
2 needle/hazardous materials spills in my car,
2 visits to a psychic,
1 major meltdown in the baby aisle at Target,
1 trip to the ER,
1 participation in a panel discussion on infertility,
1 infertility column,
1 amazing team of doctors, who I could never thank enough,
a library worth of books on infertility collected and read, and
countless ~~doctor visits~~ HOURS spent sitting in waiting rooms, blood drawls, ultrasounds, angry phone calls to our health care providers, prescriptions filled, pills popped, herbs choked down, shots in the abdomen and ass, boxes of Mucinex taken (don’t ask), negative pregnancy test results, bottles of wine consumed, heated discussions over finances and priorities, prayers and wishes made and tears shed, (so many tears).

After all this, I am smiling from ear to ear, grateful for this moment and overjoyed to share this perfect photo:

I refused to give up the fight.

I would not give up hope.

I could not squelch the longing.

I believed in miracles.

Unwavering

Posted on January 25, 2013 Written by Tonya

It’s been sitting on my nightstand for months and I now know why I waited so long to read it, I needed these words now.

I know everyone and their mother has already read Wild: From Lost to Found on the Pacific Crest Trail, but I finished it today and it did something I haven’t experienced from a book in a long time. Cheryl Strayed’s words reached a place deep inside me and I let them seep into my heart and soul making a profound impact.

Wild is inspirational and reflective of the struggles we all face in life. While reading, I made many parallels to my own life; the dissolution of my first marriage, my grief over losing my parents too soon, the rocky and yet oh so wonderful days of motherhood and not taking for granted the beauty that lies all around us, if we just stop to look, but the biggest comparison I made was to my infertility journey; the highs and lows and mammoth blisters in between.

Strayed is brutally honest about her weaknesses as well as her strengths and anyone going through any sort of hardship should read this book. I promise it will give you courage to help you face the hurts and overcome your grief as well as empower you to keep going no matter what the obstacles.

I have learned so much about longing and gut-wrenching pain over the last few years and I wonder how much more I can endure. It seems as though each heart break is more debilitating than the last and yet, somehow instinctively I know when our second child is placed into my arms, however and whenever that might be, just like Strayed’s final day of her 1100 mile soul searching hike, a dark, ominous cloud will be lifted and all of my doubts, struggles losses and tears will not have been in vain.

Few people have Strayed’s courage to live their own truth and to tell that truth without wavering. I admire her immensely, I am grateful for her words and hope in some small way that I am a tiny bit like her.

Click on image for source.

Have you read Wild?

If Just For Today

Posted on October 9, 2012 Written by Tonya

Trying with all my might to hold on to the calm that I experienced from my time spent with my family at the sea over the weekend, feeling incredibly blessed today at my good fortune (and even better friends), a bit under the weather and slightly overwhelmed at the rest of the week ahead with a traveling husband, I have this to share…

and remember.

If just for today.

Beach Therapy

Posted on October 7, 2012 Written by Tonya

My husband has taken Lucas on his own several times, but for the first time we went camping as a family this weekend and it was nothing like I expected.

It wasn’t that I was anti-camping before, I just simply had zero interest. Zero interest in going without a shower, sleeping in a bag outdoors, on the ground and wreaking of camp fire smoke.

There was a lot of sand because we were at the beach, but we had access (and used) a coin operated shower within footsteps of our camp site. Other than that, it was delightful and didn’t feel like “roughing it” at all. By morning, I wished we were staying one more night.

There were stars in the sky and that wonderful camp fire aroma, which I do wreak of and probably will for the next couple of days but it’s a small price to pay for the joy in Lucas’ face as he rode his bicycle around the camp grounds, we jumped over waves in the ocean together, devoured s’mores and snuggled up close in a bag on the floor of a tent. Well, in a bag on an air mattress on the floor of a tent.

Being on the beach was my favorite part; hearing the waves last night as we slumbered, watching the surfers early this morning, using our toes to write our names in the sand and feeling the warm sun add a little healthy color to our skin. It was like therapy.

A lot of work goes into camping, between all the gear, shopping, meal planning and preparation, assembly and packing. It’s a delicate balance of work and reward. Todd did the majority of the work for this one night trip, in the hope of (I’m assuming) my return. Next time, I will share the burden. This is one family activity that we will definitely be doing again and soon.

It’s hard for me to put into words why I like the beach so much. Everything about it is renewing for me, almost like therapy… Beach Therapy. – Amy Dykens

My Best Side

Posted on August 2, 2012 Written by Tonya

July sucked.

I was SO happy to turn the page on my calendar yesterday. Yes, there were some memorable moments, but for the most part I am more than ready to move on. July really brought out the worst in me.

I wrote a post earlier this week called The Yucky Side, where I shared just that; all the super crappy qualities about myself.

As I ring in a new month, I want to share the good stuff. I figure, new month, new attitude!

I like this version of myself…

the one that says she’ll do something and 9 out of 10 times does.

the one that is energetic and enthusiastic, ready to do just about anything at least once.

the one that asks poignant questions with genuine curiosity and waits to hear and process the answers before wanting to know more.

the one that sends cards and text messages to friends just to “check in” or let them know she’s thinking about them.

the one that no matter how many times she gets knocked down, always seeks the silver lining, picks herself up and keeps going.

the one that can laugh at herself, knows she’s a terrible dancer but can carry a tune.

the one that and usually learns from her mistakes and passes her wisdom on to others.

the one that would never let a friend cry alone, gets choked up at Hallmark commercials, tender innocent comments her son makes, breathtaking sunsets and a lyric in a Dave Matthews song.

the one that has the ability to multitask like no one she’s ever met, organize absolutely anything and basically knows how to get shit done.

the one that is well-rounded, interested in a variety of topics and able to hold a conversation with just about anyone.

the one that is dependable, reliable, will never lie and would drop everything to come to your aid if you’re her friend.

the one that is confident but will never put on airs or pretend to be something she is not.

the one that is strong, tough, not afraid to sweat, get her hands dirty and will go the extra mile (literally and figuratively).

the one that is passionate about reading and finds true relaxation and escape in books and will always pass on her favorites to friends.

the one that is determined, focused and willing to stand up for for she believes in.

I am human and there are many sides to me.

Thank goodness.

Have you ever fully realized that life is, after all, merely a series of habits, and that it lies entirely within one’s own power to determine just what that series shall be? ~ Ralph W. Trine

A Hundred Hearts

Posted on December 5, 2011 Written by Tonya

Lucas is 2 1/2 years old today and they were right. I was warned. Everyone that said it goes by fast. By it, of course, I mean childhood…. mine, yours and especially our children’s.

One minute it was just Todd and I and the next we became a family by bringing home our newborn son. Fast forward in lightening speed time, we began celebrating all of his amazing milestones and he soon turned one and then two and now attends preschool, sleeps in a twin bed, lives on macaroni ‘n cheese and has begun asking us all sorts of inquisitive questions about the world around him.

Right before our eyes Lucas has turned into a little person… a wonderful, thoughtful, strong-willed, energetic little person.

I constantly search for the pause button and desperately try my best to stay present so that I don’t miss a moment of his childhood.

I want to remember these days of sweet innocence and discovery forever.

A hundred hearts would be too few
To carry all my love for you.
– Author Unknown

Linking up with Galit (These Little Waves) and Alison’s (Mama Wants This) Memories Captured.

The photo above was created using picnik.

Some Days

Posted on November 11, 2011 Written by Tonya

Some days the sadness wins and you just can’t fight it.

Some days the questions outweigh the answers.

Some days there are more tears than smiles.

Some days it would be so much easier to pull the covers way up over your head and stay in bed all day long.

Some days holding on to the past is more comfortable than being in the present or looking forward.

Some days the thought of looking anyone in the eye is too much to bear.

Some days all you feel like doing is curling up with a box of donuts and throwing yourself a pity party.

Some days your spirit is so broken that you can’t remember the last time you laughed.

Some days feel so completely out of control that all you can do is breathe from one moment into the next.

Some days there are not enough distractions and too many memories.

Some days, thankfully, there is this:

Some days are better than others.

If you find yourself in hell, keep going. – Winston Churchill

iSad

Posted on October 6, 2011 Written by Tonya

Image courtesy of Pinterest. Click image for source.

Steve Jobs (1955-2011)

When I Don’t Have The Words

Posted on October 2, 2011 Written by Tonya

I love quotes! I have a 483 page Word document on my computer full of quotes that I have collected over the years. Sometimes my words are not enough and that’s when I turn to what others can say better, often more articulately and definitely more concisely.

To select only 10 to share with you is a difficult task, but here they are:

Always be a first rate version of yourself, and not a second rate version of someone else. – Judy Garland

Image courtesy of Pinterest. Click image for source.

With freedom, books, flowers, and the moon, who could not be happy? – Oscar Wilde

Image courtesy of Pinterest. Click image for source.

Any life, no matter how long and complex it may be, is made up of a single moment – the moment in which a man finds out, once and for all, who he is. – Jorge Luis Borges

Image courtesy of Pinterest. Click image for source.

Making the decision to have a child is momentous. It is to decide forever to have your heart go walking around outside your body. – Elizabeth Stone

: Image courtesy of Pinterest. Click image for source.

How people treat you is their karma, how you react to it is yours. – Wayne Dyer

Image courtesy of Pinterest. Click image for source.

The thing that is really hard, and really amazing, is giving up on being perfect and beginning the work of becoming yourself. – Anna Quindlen

This post was inspired by Stasha’s Monday Listicles, a linky right up my alley! This week’s topic: 10 Things Quotable was chosen by Bits of Bee.

Dear Mama

Posted on September 13, 2011 Written by Tonya

I am so humbled by the generous response to my new weekly feature, Letters For You that debuted last week and very grateful to Poppy of Funny or Snot for helping me kick off the series.

If you missed her heart wrenching letter to the lifeguard she credits to saving her daughter’s life, you can find it here.

This week, I am pleased to welcome Natalie of My Crazy Busy Life. Natalie helped her grandmother celebrate her 75th year recently and here is the birthday letter she gave her.

When Tonya asked me to contribute a letter for her new weekly series, I knew exactly what to send. While I had a close relationship with my grandparents, my paternal grandparents were the ones who actually raised me.

Last month, my grandmother celebrated her 75th birthday. I helped throw her a surprise party. We mailed invitations, ordered a cake and created a slideshow that celebrated her life. But what’s a party without presents? And more importantly, what do you buy someone who truly has it all? I followed the advice I’ve told my kids MANY times: I used my words. The following is a letter I wrote for her birthday.

Dear Mama,

One thing I’ve learned from you over the years is that our time here is limited. We never know how many days we will have or what our tomorrow may bring. So, as you celebrate your 75th year of being alive, I think it’s fitting to share with you a few of my thoughts. After all, there’s no better time like the present.

Children growing up often take their lives for granted. Children who are loved and nurtured naturally assume that there will be food on the table, a warm bed to sleep in and a lap for snuggles. That is, children make these blind assumptions IF their families are raising them in the way God intended.

I simply want to say thank you.

Thank you for giving me a home where I can be blissfully unaware of the outside world. For allowing me to assume that I will always have three square meals, a bed to sleep in and a hug when I needed it.

Thank you for caring for me all of the times I was sick and the countless bowls of chicken noodle soup you made on the nights I couldn’t sleep; for giving me a lap to be rocked in and arms that hugged even as I grew too big to crawl into that lap; you never turned me away. You simply adjusted in your chair to make room.

Thank you for telling me stories of not only your childhood, but the ones from my fathers, aunts and the rest of the family. Because of that, I’m blessed to know my history and where we come from. You shared the funny memories as well as the sad. I heard the struggles you faced not only as a wife and mother, but also as a woman. The strength I receive from that and from you is second to none.

Thank you for showing unconditional love AND setting rules and boundaries. I always knew you cared, but also when my behavior disappointed you. Because of how much you loved me, I never wanted to cause the disappointment. I came to strive to do my best because I wanted to make you proud.

The day came that I did disappoint you, but my deepest appreciation stems from one of our most difficult times.

Thank you for supporting me when I was pregnant at only 16. I truly do not know how it would have been possible without you. Having a baby in high school was certainly not a life I had planned, but it became a decision I have never regretted.

Thank you for supporting me in the beginning of the most important role of my love–being a mother.

As I watch my babies grow into kids and then ultimately young adults, I can truly appreciate all of the love I was shown when I was nothing but a kid myself. Not only do I understand the love, but the also the pain and disappointment. I am more sorry than you know for the hurt I caused; I was simply trying to do as you taught me; I wanted to find my own way as my own person.

Thank you for staying in your marriage for 55 years. The two of you have given our family a touchstone as pillars of strength. You taught me through your example that all relationships require work and that vows are promises meant to be kept. There will be bad times, but then we can truly enjoy the good ones. Because without thunderstorms, we wouldn’t have rainbows.

One of my favorite quotes is:

Two great things we can give our children: One is roots, the other is wings. – Hodding Carter

Thank you for teaching me the importance of the first and then giving me the courage to use the second.

With all of my love,

Natalie
xoxoxox

Somebody Pinch Me!

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