Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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It Should Come From Me

Posted on August 2, 2014 Written by Tonya

She slowly makes her way down my leg.

Groping and grasping.

I’m glad I shaved my legs or this would be a painful journey.

Her tiny hands were working hard.

She thrusts her small body inch by inch.

On a mission after my pink toenails it would seem.

She finds them and plays with them a little and then her chubby fingers discover the two small black stars on top of my right foot.

She looks back up at me as if to ask for help. “They don’t come off,” I say knowing she won’t understand.

She traces the stars one by one. Her touch is tender and the sweetness of the act makes tear up.

Someday I’d have to tell her the significance of the stars, who they are for, the story behind the tattoos. My stomach turns to ice.

Maybe I’ll be able to avoid it and her brother will tell her before I have the  chance. I think about how that conversation might go: So, you know how we never see mom’s parents? They died. She doesn’t like to talk about it.

It should come from me I decide.

And it will.

photo

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Filed Under: conversations with Lola, loss Tagged With: conversations with Lola, loss

A Parenting Lesson In Preparedness: Lucas Lost His First Tooth!

Posted on July 30, 2014 Written by Tonya

You know you’re a mom when on the rare occasion you go out of town, monumental things will happen at home.

Okay, so that’s a little dramatic, but Lola did officially start crawling over the weekend I was in San Jose at BlogHer 2014 (I’ll share a recap post on the conference in a few days).

And Todd sent me this photo of Lucas’s first loose tooth!

text So exciting.

I had visions of going to the bank for crisp $2 bills, carefully painting the bills with glitter glue and downloading a template for Tooth Fairy stationary. A visit from the Tooth Fairy is very special, especially when it’s your first one.

I was reassured by my fellow mom friends that it takes a few days for a loose tooth to come out so I wasn’t too worried about it coming out while I was away.

Well, it happened last night! After a long day at Super Hero summer camp, karate lessons and a fun dinner out with friends, it was very late when we got home, way after bedtime late.

Lucas had been saying in the car that is tooth felt “looser” so he rushed to show his dad as soon as we walked through the door. Todd only had to wiggle the tooth slightly and after four days of being loose, it came out!

Why does everything happen at bedtime?

While Todd bathed and fed Lola, Lucas and I wrote a letter to the Tooth Fairy, I snapped a couple of terrible photos and then read him two books because even though it was well after his bedtime, he can’t go to bed without a story. I was trying to keep calm and not think about all the rushing around I would soon be engaging.

tooth

Once Lucas was safely asleep, I was scouring Pinterest for ideas, drafting a letter from the Tooth Fairy, asking about the going rate for baby teeth on Twitter, dragging out the printer, painting a $10 bill with glitter, drying it with a hairdryer and destroying any evidence. All at 11:00 at night.

Oy, the lengths we go to, right?

Neither of us had a $5 bill and Todd actually offered to go out and make change but we decided that was where we draw the line.  

My advice to parents of new five-year-olds about to lose teeth, get your shit together early. You can thank me later!

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Filed Under: blog conference, milestones, parenthood, pinterest, twitter Tagged With: blog conference, milestones, parenthood, pinterest, twitter

BlogHer 2014

Posted on July 23, 2014 Written by Tonya

Three years ago when I attended my first BlogHer conference in San Diego, I was so nervous but looking forward to learning all that I could about blogging and how to be a better blogger. Back then I considered myself just another mommy blogger.

I carefully planned the sessions I wanted to attend and my daily and evening outfits, complete with accessories and shoes, made sure I was a “plus one” or personally invited to all the “right” parties and walked the exhibit floor handing out my blog cards to everyone I met. I had high expectations and was out to impress. Don’t get me wrong, I was still me, but I felt as though I had to prove that I belonged.

It was fun and I did learn a little but I mostly enjoyed meeting other bloggers, women who I had come to know so well through the generous words they shared on their own blogs and through other social media outlets.

Tomorrow morning bright and early, I will be traveling to San Jose, where I will attend this year’s BlogHer 10th anniversary conference.blogherThis time around I consider myself more than just another blogger, I am a writer. I have a voice and a story and believe I have made a (albeit miniscule) difference by sharing my grief and infertility struggles, my words and myself.

My expectations for this year’s conference are much lower than they were in 2011 and I have very few plans. I hope to learn more about this community I belong to and love so much and will attend a couple of sessions on writing and the future of blogging, but what I am most excited about is seeing old friends, making new ones and gaining a renewed dedication to my space.

I have shared before how I feel I have neglected Letters For Lucas over the last couple of years and I’m in dire need of a resurge. I think this is just the ticket!

That taxi is going to be here in 12 short hours so I suppose I better start packing!

Are you going to BlogHer this year? If so, please look for me!

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Filed Under: blog, blog conference, friends, writing Tagged With: blog, blog conference, friends, writing

Letters For Lola

Posted on July 22, 2014 Written by Tonya

Notice anything different about my blog?

Take a look at my new header!

My “letters” are now for Lucas and Lola.

It only took me five months to get around to making the addition!

Thank you to my terrific (and very, very patient) designer, Creative Kristi Designs.

I remember when I first started working with Kristi to redesign my blog in the summer of 2011 and had the forethought of leaving room in the header for a subsequent child, one that I had no idea would take so long to enter our lives. I’m blessed that Lola is finally here and so thrilled and very proud to see her name at the top of my blog along side her brothers.

I’ll still go by Letters For Lucas on Facebook and Twitter.

sibs

Why I write (April, 2014)

 

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Filed Under: blog, facebook, news, siblings, simple joys, twitter Tagged With: blog, facebook, news, siblings, simple joys, twitter

Embracing Pink

Posted on July 21, 2014 Written by Tonya

I am in no way, shape or form a girly girl, which according to Wikipedia is defined as:

“…a slang term for a girl or woman who chooses to dress and behave in an especially feminine style, such as wearing pink, using make-up, using perfume, dressing in skirts, dresses and blouses, and talking about relationships and other activities which are associated with the traditional gender role of a girl.”

I’m not into ribbons and bows, lace or frilly flowery things.

I don’t wear a lot of makeup, if any, absolutely no sparkly stuff and you can typically find my hair pulled back in a ponytail under a baseball cap.

There are way more pairs of jeans and sneakers in my closet than dresses, blouses or heels. In fact, I look like the Jolly Green Giant whenever I try to walk in heels. Seriously, there should be a class.

I don’t like to shop, hate gossip, except of the celebrity variety and don’t know the current “in” princesses, although you’d have to be living under a rock not to have heard about Elsa and Anna.

And I hate the color pink!

It’s funny though, when Lucas was born I grew so tired of blue, my favorite color that very much out of character bought a hot pink wallet and then later purse to match.

Feeling engulfed by boys (just the two… my husband and son) I started to get comfortable with my feminine side. I began to enjoy getting dressed up in heels and dresses for date nights and dinner with my girlfriends and asked a friend more than once to help me apply my makeup.

Before the ultrasound tech could confirm I was having a boy with Lucas I knew and the same thing happened with Lola. I just felt she was a girl. I have always dreaded the possibility of having a daughter, which deserves to be the subject of its own post, but one main reason is because I still feel so out of touch with girly things.

And let’s face it, too much pink can be sickening!I refuse to buy Lola pink anything, but I still seem to be surrounded by the hue.

So while I’m not looking forward to braiding hair, pretend spa in my living room, cleaning up piles of glitter or the sheer drama that comes with being a female, I am s l o w l y embracing pink and hoping that Lola finds her own style as she grows, just so long as it isn’t to girly girl.

pink

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Filed Under: change, clothes, confession, gender differences, motherhood Tagged With: change, clothes, confession, gender differences, motherhood

Last Day Of Preschool

Posted on July 19, 2014 Written by Tonya

Yesterday was Lucas’s last day at the preschool he has attended for three years. We tucked a love note in his lunchbox and shared cookies and snacks to celebrate with his classmates, who had all signed an adorable farewell card for him. He brought home the name tag that has been affixed to his tiny desk since January and his personalized pencil box.

lastdayb

He was fine yesterday but the day before he was very emotional about not seeing his friends again. As soon as he saw me, he burst into tears. Having moved around a lot as a child, I could completely empathize. I assured him that we would keep in touch and he could see his friends as often as he wanted, in fact I wrote a note for one of the mothers right then and there to prove I meant it. She has already called and a play date has been scheduled for next week!

first

He has come along way, our little boy. I often wonder if we sent him to school too early; he was barely two-years-old, not even potty trained. It was only two mornings (9:00-12:00) a week to start and then three and then three full days (9:00-3:00) and then four full days.

Lucas has had three teachers and been in two classrooms at the small Montessori school. They have taught him a lot and I am grateful to his teachers and the staff for their dedication and for making his first educational experience so positive.

He has outgrown the small school now and will be attending a much bigger private school in September, where there will be new things to learn and many friends to make. We are very excited about this milestone.

last

And if you are getting sick of my OMG-my-son-is-a-Kindergartener posts yet, I’m sorry. They will continue throughout the summer and probably all next school year.

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Filed Under: milestones, photos, praise, school Tagged With: milestones, photos, praise, school

A Good Cry

Posted on July 17, 2014 Written by Tonya

Have you ever had one of those days (or weeks) when nothing is really wrong yet nothing is really right?

It’s hard to describe.

You continue to go through the motions and you’re content and things throughout the day make you smile, but there’s still a pit in your stomach, a lump in your throat.

You feel… off.

You have a lot on your mind and it’s weighing heavy on your heart. The words aren’t there, just the feelings and your thoughts range from everything will be okay to it’s so awful.

Maybe it’s a lack of sleep or an overwhelming to do list, feeling misunderstood and under appreciated, a devastating news story you read about, a child that refuses to stay little, a friend that has disappointed you forcing you to see them in a whole new light, being the recipient of a kind and generous gesture, worried about another friend’s health prognosis and overall well being, learning that a family member has died, a combination of all of the above.

Whatever it is, you’re on the verge of tears.

Stress eating and a shopping spree don’t help, nor does wine or a long walk. That’s when you know it’s really bad.

Suddenly and mercifully, when you least expect it, you let it go.

All of it.

Unprompted by a song on the radio or a Kleenex commercial on TV, you cry.

A good cry.

A healing cry.

Release.

Clarity.

When was the last time you had a good cry?

cry

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Conversations About Kindergarten

Posted on July 16, 2014 Written by Tonya

It’s already starting.

I can physically feel him slowly pulling away from me, needing me less and less.

I knew it would happen. Not at five, but eventually.

Lucas, what are you looking forward to about your new school?

Making new friends.

Anything else?

Having a new teacher.

Are you feeling nervous at all?

No.

You know it’s a much bigger school then the one you are used to and while the teachers will help you, it’s okay to feel nervous.

I know.

And you can talk to Mommy and Daddy about any feelings you’re having, good or bad. It’s perfectly normal to be nervous when you go someplace you’ve never been before with people you’ve never met before.

I know. At least Katherine and Colby will be there.

True.

Do you think I’ll be able to take the bus?

Um, that might be an option. [Thinking: NOT A CHANCE IN HELL!] You don’t want Mommy to drop you off and pick you up each day?

Yeah, but I also think it would be nice to walk in all by myself.

Audible painful sigh. Can sighs be painful?

Well, why don’t we talk to Daddy and see what he thinks. It’s always good to diffuse/put off/rely on the other parent in times like these, no? 

Okay.

To date, this has to be one of the most crushing things I’ve heard come out of my son’s mouth. Crushing and true.

He’s growing up, my little boy.

My five-year-old.

My kindergartner.

He wants to take the bus! Eek!!

Growing up is easy, it’s the letting go that’s hard.

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Filed Under: change, conversations with Lucas, difficult subjects, parenthood, school Tagged With: change, conversations with Lucas, difficult subjects, parenthood, school

The Day Lola Was Born

Posted on July 15, 2014 Written by Tonya

Babies are such a nice way to start people. – Don Herold

I love hearing how humans enter the world, each story is unique and very special. I hope you don’t mind me sharing Lola’s birth story.

I had taken Charlie for a 3-mile walk on the morning of Thursday, January 30  and then had a fetal monitoring appointment. After 33 weeks I was going twice a week.

During this particular appointment, Lola’s heart rate dipped six times, my blood pressure was (and had been) on the high side, plus an ultrasound revealed that she had turned around again (the first time had been at 35 weeks and I was able to turn her around on my own without medical intervention) so the doctor insisted on sending me to the Labor and Delivery ward at the hospital.

I hadn’t showered and I had the dog in the car were my first thoughts immediately after, holy shit, I’m having the baby today! After three and half years of waiting and nine months of keeping our miracle safe and sound tucked inside my belly, this is how it’s going to happen. After months of trying to predict and control birthing day, now I know. Okay. I can do this. Right?

With my mind racing, I started crying uncontrollably because I knew my baby would be delivered via C-section and that was the last thing I wanted. I wrote about my ideal birth plan here.

I called my husband from the car and I was shaking, had a hard time speaking but managed to convey that I would take the dog home and keep him posted. I had a feeling I’d get to L&D and everything would be fine and I would be sent home or we’d be having a baby later that day. He told me to take the dog to our favorite local doggie daycare instead and then we would have one last thing to worry about. He would standby for more news and in the meantime wrap up things at work so that he could meet me at the hospital. We agreed not to alert family just yet. 

Against doctor’s orders after the doggie day care I also stopped by our house. I had to pee, it was on the way and there were a couple of things I wanted to do, like find a big red ribbon to put around the three carefully wrapped presents (Angry Birds Go! Game, I Spy! Bingo and Hi Ho Cherry-O!) that “the baby” would be giving her big brother once they met. I also wanted to make sure my slippers and make up bag were in my suitcase. I know, I know, I wasn’t in my right mind and needless to say, no make up was worn during my four day hospital stay. 

After several hours and running down my phone battery not once, but twice, being adjusted and readjusted, the baby’s heart was fine and my blood pressure was normal. She was still in a breech position when my OB called me around 3:00. She was relieved when I told her that I’d have a C-section and asked if we could do it that evening. I knew if I went home I’d be wrought with worry and unable to sleep. Plus, at this late stage of the game (one day past my due date) I didn’t think I could turn the baby around again.

After Todd picked up Lucas from preschool, he brought him to the hospital to say hello. We discussed names together as a family and Lucas, who had been dead set on Lola since we told him we were expecting and refused to entertain anything else was now suddenly open to middle names. He had selected a middle name too, but was now eager to hear our choices. When talking about his day at school he mentioned his friend Paigey. Paige, but everyone calls her Paigey, which is just about the cutest things ever. Todd and I looked at each other and that was it. Lola Paige. It also helped that Todd has a close friend named Paige.

A C-section was scheduled for 7:00 PM and leading up to it the anesthesiologist visited me at least three times that I remember, maybe more and reviewed the entire process start to finish, patiently answered my questions and tried his best to reassure me. 

It was almost 8:00 when I was finally taken to the OR and Lola was born at 8:19. It was quick but I was terrified and hated every moment of the procedure, hated not being able to feel anything, hated not being in control, hated being pinned down like Jesus on the cross and I cried throughout the procedure. 

I knew it was what was best for the baby but it wasn’t how I had envisioned bringing this child into the world. I was relieved Todd could be with me (Lucas was at home with our good friends, Ed and Carol) and really happy that it was my OB to perform the procedure, but I still hated not being able to feel anything!

It turns out that Lola wasn’t breech by the time I was in the operating room (she had turned around again in less than an hour!!) but had somehow put two knots in the umbilical cord, so we would have ended up in the OR anyway.

birth1a

I couldn’t take my eyes off her once I saw her and one of the (many) advantages of a C-section is that baby’s heads are perfectly round. She was beautiful. We all thought she looked just like Lucas when he was born, but a female version… daintier and smaller. It’s hard to put into words what it was like to finally meet my daughter and makes me tear up even now as I type this. I was elated and thankful and so relieved. Finally she was here. Finally.

My recovery was rough and very unexpected. I was able to stand up by the next morning after the catheter was removed, but remained in pain the entire hospital stay and for weeks after. It hurt when I laughed or sneezed or coughed or moved in any way. I was sure every time I looked down at my belly that my insides would be spilling out, but that never happened. I was so grateful when I could finally walk around the ward, making it one loop was a triumph!

birth2aLucas met his sister Friday morning and was wonderful with her, albeit timid and shy. I had dreamed about their first encounter but had zero expectations. He held her right away and offered her kisses and tiny soft pats on the head. It made me deliriously happy to see them together.

Todd stayed at the hospital with me two nights and my sister one night. We were getting to own our baby as went about diaper changes and feedings. We were mesmerized by her alert alien-like eyes and tiny fingers.

birth3aI was able to come home the afternoon of Super Bowl Sunday (Seattle Seahawks, 43 vs. the Denver Broncos, 8) but I wish I could have stayed one more night.

I was very emotional as we took the elevator downstairs and then running into our fertility doctor in the parking lot was completely surreal. She said she hardly ever comes to that hospital and what are the chances?! I was face-to-face with the very woman responsible for this tiny miracle. It was too much. I was so overcome and couldn’t stop crying. It was a beautiful moment and one that I will treasure always.

Huddled around the TV in our living room, we all paid way more attention to the bundle in my arms than the game. The house was full of bouquets of carefully placed flower vases, thanks to my mother-in-law. We had a full house and full hearts. Looking back all I can remember is the pain I felt in my abdomen but the peace in my heart.

mybabies

The loves of my life!

If you are interested in reading Lucas’s birth story, you can find it here.

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Filed Under: birthdays, motherhood, peace, photos, pregnancy2, quotes, siblings Tagged With: birthdays, motherhood, peace, photos, pregnancy2, quotes, siblings

Tracy’s Story: Say No To NuvaRing

Posted on July 9, 2014 Written by Tonya

My sister Leah met Tracy the Fall of 2002 when they were both Freshman at the University of Arizona. They have been best friends ever since.

I have had the pleasure of spending a little time with Tracy over the years and have always enjoyed her company. She is witty and smart and has been a good friend to Leah.

Tracy was particularly instrumental to Leah’s grieving process when we lost our parents in 2007 and was there for her the night we found out they had died. Tracy was there for my sister when I could not be. I will always be grateful to her for that. 

Last summer, Tracy who lives in New York was visiting my sister in LA.

One night the three of us went to dinner and to see Beyoncé in concert. We had a great time and as always it was fun to witness the banter that only two good friends can share. That was a Friday. Two days later, at 29 years old, Tracy suffered a stroke.

Last week she shared the following on her Facebook wall and with her permission I am sharing it here:

One year ago today, 3 weeks past my 29th birthday, I had a stroke. It was caused by the birth control NuvaRing. Due to this event I lost a significant amount of my left peripheral vision. I’m so BLESSED to say it wasn’t worse – women died. I’m not celebrating this “anniversary”, rather I’m ready to share my story, so that it may help others.

Full disclosure – I entered the class action suit, along with 3,800 other women, against the makers of this product, Merck. The final payout Merck was responsible for was 6% of what a similar case paid out, we’re talking a few millions versus a few hundred billion. Basically a slap on the wrist for a company that is knowingly selling a dangerous product to millions of otherwise healthy women, like me.

So, I didn’t settle and here’s why:

If you had a life altering stroke at 29 years old during the height of a beautiful California vacation that ripped vision and sensation from the left side of your body, would you settle?

If you spent two days in the hospital and worried your entire family, friend and professional circle, would you settle?

If you had to correct your mom in a room full of doctors that glasses wouldn’t help because the injury wasn’t in your eyes, it’s in your brain, would you settle?

If over the last 7 years you told several doctors of your experiences with migraines, never to be taken seriously, would you settle?

If you still walk cautiously through every single intersection worrying that you may not see the motorist, bicyclist or Mac truck, would you settle?

If you secretly dread shopping because it will require you to perform exhaustive and annoyingly slow eye scanning, would you settle?

If you sometimes avoid large crowds because you worry you will bump into, trip or hurt yourself or others, would you settle?

If people still ask you “how’s your vision” and you have to tell them that it’s no better, would you settle?

If something that happened to you on one day of your life is now something you think about every day, would you settle?

If you knew officials claim the type of stroke you had doesn’t “support a casual link” to NuvaRing, but the FIRST THING the ER doctors asked you to do when they identified your stroke was to remove your NuvaRing, would you settle?

If all official medical reports point directly to NuvaRing, but the courts don’t care, would you settle?

If the after insurance amount in medical bills was more than the payout, would you settle?

If you knew that other women died because of NuvaRing, would you settle?

Please share/tell my story to one person, then it’ll be worth it.

For those of you who don’t know, NuvaRing is a birth control option for women. It is a small flexible contraceptive ring, about the size of a silver dollar. The NuvaRing contains the same hormones as many birth control pills. It is inserted manually into the vagina, where it is left for three weeks. There, a continuous, low dose of hormones is released. Then the ring is removed for one week. This is the week you have your period.

According to Tracy, many young women and their common stroke-like symptoms are being ignored. She was given an IV initially and sent home.

Tracy has zero regrets about not settling in the class action suit and is hoping that someday soon there will be enough studies that prove arterial strokes are directly linked to medications like NuvaRing, in the meantime regaining 100% visibility may never happen for her, but she is optimistic in new visual training programs offered by the School of Optometry at SUNY.

I wanted to share Tracy’s story because it’s important and because I have a tiny following here and thought I could help spread the word about the dangers of NuvaRing. I am currently shopping for new birth control and I know many of you may be as well or know someone who is. I’m begging you to take the time and do the research on ANY birth control you are considering. It could save your life.

For more information, here are two articles Tracy recommends, they are relevant and extensive on the subject of the NuvaRing case, Danger in the Ring and Parents of 24-year-old killed by NuvaRing reject their part of $100 million settlement.

Say No To NuvaRing!!

Please share Tracy’s story!!

Please share this post and if you have any follow up questions for Tracy, leave them in the comments below.

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Filed Under: aunt leah, current events, friends, health Tagged With: aunt leah, birth control, current events, friends, health, NuvaRing

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