Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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A Place To Lay Her Head

Posted on April 23, 2014 Written by Tonya

When Lucas was born, I had to have all new nursery furniture and it had to be what my warped mind perceived as the best; Pottery Barn Kids brand. Read: expensive. Too expensive for the quality.

I have purchased some very nice things from Pottery Barn, but in my experience the furniture only looks nice in the catalog. Once it’s delivered and in your own home and gets a little wear and tear, you soon find that it is not made very well and is certainly no match for a toddler. But, it was my first child and I didn’t want to spare any expense. In hind insight, a waste of money.

The set we bought Lucas included a crib/toddler bed, a seven drawer dresser and a bedside table in espresso. We still have and use the dresser and bedside table but they look like crap… hairline cracks, dinged corners and the dresser still has a missing pull knob from about the first week we got it. We’ve moved the set from one house to another and then to storage and now the crib is propped up in our garage gathering dust.

IMG_0078

Lucas’s room circa 2009

I don’t want to use the set for Lola and not just because of the unfortunate way it has worn or because I don’t want to break up the set (part in his room and part in hers), but because as soon as we found out our second and long awaited child was going to be a girl, I automatically wanted to go in a completely different direction with her bedroom. I wanted white furniture.

My other argument is that she is using all of her big brother’s other hand-me-down baby things; rocker, car seat, bouncy seat, swing, strollers, blankets, toys and even some gender neutral clothes. She deserves a new crib.

We had a cheap white dresser and an old white bookcase I inherited from my parents that are now hers but the poor little girl is almost three months old and still doesn’t have a crib. She’s been sleeping in between me and my husband, a habit that we are feeling bittersweet about breaking, but are breaking nevertheless!

My husband keeps reminding me of the almost perfectly good crib we still have in the garage, but I want a white one (said in a completely whinny voice) and as I’m not a bigger DIYer, painting it is out of the question. I have been searching for an inexpensive one on the Internet and had my heart set on one from Ikea but it has been out of stock for over nine months. 

Well, this month I finally found one at Babies R Us. I purchased it last week and will pick it up today!

photo

Delta Bennington 3-in-1 Classic Crib. Click on photo for more information.

Once we my husband assembles it and we finish decorating Lola’s room, I’ll share photos. In the meantime, if anyone in the Southern California area needs a slightly used Pottery Barn Kids crib, let me know. 


This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 5) The most exciting thing you purchased this month.

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Filed Under: mama kat's writer's workshop, shopping, siblings Tagged With: kids furniture, mama kat's writer's workshop, shopping, siblings

I’m *That* Mom

Posted on April 23, 2014 Written by Tonya

I have ironed my four-year-old’s shirt for school because I want him to look put together and “proper”. I’ve also let him go to school with toothpaste on his collar and a dried milk mustache.

I’ve never worn slippers to my son’s preschool but I have gone without a bra.

I’ll show up 20 minutes early to pick Lucas up on the first day back to school after Spring Break because I missed him but I’ve also (one time only!) been 13 minutes late.

I’ll make declarations that under no circumstances will I buy anything at the toy store and then cave and get something because I want to play with it too.

I make mundane chores like unloading the dishwasher and sorting laundry seem like games so that my son will help me.

I’ve left the house without diapers or bottles, but enough of Lucas’s favorite snacks to feed a small country.

I’ve handed over my phone at 6:30 in the morning so that Lucas could Angry Birds Go! and I could get a few extra minutes of sleep but I’ve also gotten up earlier than that to make chocolate croissants, pack his lunch and assemble 25 snack bags for his classmates.

I’ll make plans and promises to do something and then let my son down, but I hope I’ve also exceeded his expectations with elaborate outings, surprise play dates and fun after school arts and crafts.

I’ve chased my boy around the park playing hide-and-seek until I was sweaty and out of breath and I’ve also sat quietly on a bench and watched him navigate monkey bars and potential new friends.

I’ve lied and said I didn’t know the answer to one of his million questions and I’ve also taken the time to explain things in great detail, looked up poisonous frogs on the Internet and searched for images of Katy Perry so he could “see what she looks like”.

I’ve tucked Lucas into bed to read on his own and I’ve also kept him up past his bedtime to read all 8 newly checked out of the library books.

Parenting is full of contradictions. Some days it’s more no’s than yes’s, lots of yelling and high levels of frustration and others it’s full of synergy, connection and giggles. You win some and you lose some. My children make me weak and strong and everything in between. I hope they always feel my love.

I’m *that* mom.

The one you sometimes roll your eyes at because she seems to have everything together, all the balls are somehow magically juggling perfectly in sync and she has a total Martha Stewart thing going on or you’ve rolled your eyes and scoffed  because she (and her children) appear completely clueless, disengaged and disheveled, she’s late, misses deadlines and always looks like she just rolled out of bed.

Yep, I’m *that* mom.

Aren’t you?

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, challenges, motherhood, parenthood, parenting, question Tagged With: a mother's guilt, challenges, motherhood, parenthood, parenting, question

Side By Side

Posted on April 22, 2014 Written by Tonya

Lola met her cousins, my husband’s sister’s children over the Easter weekend  and although parents are told not to compare their children with each other, it’s just too fun not to! Especially when it’s a photo comparison.

On the left is Lucas in September, 2009, he was 3 months, 3 days old and on the right is Lola on Sunday at 2 months, 21 days. Almost two weeks apart in age.

Incidentally, Annabelle on the left was 8 and Francesca was 6. I have loved watching them grow up too. I have known Annabelle since she was 2 and Francesca her whole life. They are wonderful with my children.

girls4

Too enamored with Francesca, Lola would have nothing to do with the camera and of course, I had to get a shot with Lucas too.

Since she was born I have thought Lucas and Lola look a lot alike with Lola being a daintier more feminine version of Lucas. What do you think?

sidebyside

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Life After Infertility: Infertility Awareness Week 2014

Posted on April 20, 2014 Written by Tonya

downloadOne in every eight couples in the United States are affected by infertility.

Nearly six million families are childless. Some chose this option, but many more long for children that never come.

According to the National Survey of Family Growth, more than 1 million couples grapple with secondary infertility, a couple’s inability to conceive a baby, even though they’ve had at least one child in the past.

My husband and I are one of these couples. Since Lucas’s first birthday, I have had five miscarriages, one with the aid of IVF treatment and one incredible success! 

April 20-27 is Infertility Awareness Week and each year during this week I will write about my personal battle and reflect on the ups and downs that consumed my life for three and a half years as my husband and I longed for a second child. I will think of others that faced the same fight and either beat it and have a precious child in their arms or are at peace and have moved on from it. And in my heart, I will always hold a special place for those currently in the thick if it, hoping, wishing and praying for a miracle baby of their own.

I have and always will be open about my struggle with infertility. I could have never have suffered in silence. Not everyone is like that.

I got my miracle baby, my sweet Lola and I am grateful for what I had to endure to get her. You read that right, I am grateful for my struggle with infertility. Not everyone can say that.

I know what you’re thinking… Yeah, sure you can say that now that it’s behind you and you have had success, but I honestly really wouldn’t change a thing. Sure I wish it hadn’t taken so long or cost so much, but my battle to have a second child put me in places where I know my ego would have never otherwise taken me. Working so hard for something at the end of the day I had zero control over made me trust others like I never have before, relinquish control and be the most vulnerable I ever have been in my life. I learned a lot about myself too; my tolerance for stress, pain and heartache and how to be patient (or at least patienter). It gave me strength and made me grateful. It is behind me, but I will always remember the pain, the tears, the roller coaster ride.

I also made some amazing friends who were or continue to be struggling too and there is nothing in the world like not being alone. Fighting the most difficult battle of your life can be isolating and very lonely.

I hate that anyone has to deal with infertility issues, but if you are or someone you love is facing this battle, please visit RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association Website and attain the support you need to make the best decisions for you and your family.

You are not alone. Do not give up hope.

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Filed Under: infertility, IVF, miscarriage, pregnancy2 Tagged With: infertility, infertility awareness week, IVF, miscarriage, pregnancy2, secondary infertility

A Delightful Find

Posted on April 16, 2014 Written by Tonya

My mother was an elementary school teacher which is probably why she was so crafty, but not just crafty, she was creative. Although long before she was a teacher she made things.

She could wrap the most beautiful and unique looking presents with ribbons and bows and freehand draw anything.

I recall a spider ornament made out of pipe cleaners that she designed and mass produced for several school Christmas bazaars. I never got the spider/Christmas connection, but it was a huge hit.

When I was little, my mom handmade a lot of my clothes, all of my Halloween costumes and before you ask, yes, there were several mother/daughter ensembles. She made clothes for my dolls and even Barbies. I can’t even imagine sewing anything that tiny. I would spend hours in fabric stores with her looking through giant books of sewing patterns and fingering cloth for weight, texture and durability. Thirty years ago, patterns were $1.25 or less so I’m sure what was an enjoyable hobby was also a cost effective way to clothe her family.

I remember being fascinated by her sewing basket. It was filled with straight pins, scissors, the regular kind in various sizes and pinking shears, which I loved but was forbidden to touch. There were also needle packets, measuring tape, chalk, seam rippers, thimbles, buttons and spools and spools of colorful thread.

Does anyone sew anymore? Like with a needle and thread or a sewing machine? My grandmother had an entire room in her house devoted to sewing, crocheting, etc. I can barely replace a button and if I craft with Lucas, I have to follow directions provided by someone else. Apparently, I did not inherit the crafty gene and I do not own a sewing box.

My mother also dappled in ceramics, or rather used a mold and painted mugs, (see my past post Ceramic Mugs) knick knacks and because she loved decorating her home like her classroom, holiday items; including these decorative Easter eggs I found in my Easter stash.

I had forgotten all about them.

The eggs are rudimentary but whimsical and fun and I’m thrilled to have them.

eggs

Finding items like these amidst my own, items that were once my mothers, especially things that she made make me maudlin and miss her terribly.

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Filed Under: arts & crafts, holidays, KRA, pastime, TDA bio Tagged With: arts & crafts, holidays, KRA, pastime, TDA bio

Spring Break: Day 1

Posted on April 8, 2014 Written by Tonya

We left the house at 8:30 for an 8:45 pediatrician appointment and didn’t plan to return until close to 4:00. I had gotten up before both kids so I could take a shower, prepare breakfast and pack our bag for the day. I had thought of everything; I was wearing sensible shoes and excited that Lucas had decided to go the aquarium in between appointments (he and I had dentist appointments after lunch). It was the first day of his Spring Break!

We were ready to go and I was a diaper bag packer extraordinaire!

Shot records for both kids
A change of clothes for Lola, sweatshirt for Lucas
Socks
Lucas’s favorite cereal bars and fruit chews
Wet Ones and hand sanitizer
Wipes
Changing pad
Bottles with measured power for two feedings plus back up packets of formula, just in case
Nipples with covers
Burp cloths
Bottled water
Extra blanket
Hats
Sunscreen
Sunglasses
Crayons
Notepad
Cash and checkbook
Fully charged phone and car charger
Keys

It wasn’t until lunch time that I realized I had no diapers. Not a one! I couldn’t have left the house without diapers, could I?! What kind of mother am I? Plus, hadn’t I thought of everything? No diapers?! What?!

No, I hadn’t left the house without diapers, I just used my last ONE at the doctor’s office.

Too far from home to make it there and back out in time for our dentist appointment, we had to take a detour to a nearby grocery store and forgo going to a park. Lucas was disappointed, but understanding. He was a true champ but thoroughly enjoyed announcing (throwing me under the bus) to everyone we encountered the rest of the day by saying, “My mommy is going crazy because she forgot diapers because she was tired because she had to take care of Lola all night because Daddy is traveling”.

Oy, kids! O_o

photo

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Live & In Person

Posted on April 3, 2014 Written by Tonya

Several times I have shared how much I love music, from my current workout playlist, to favorite songs and my adoration of Dave Matthews.

I have a short list of songs that I *must* hear performed live before I die because they are some of my all time favorites, meaningful to me and have helped me find my voice when my own words have failed me or I simply admire the artist so much that I have to see them in concert. In alphabetical order, they are:

  • #41 by The Dave Matthews Band*
  • A Thousand Years by Christina Perri*
  • Anna Begins by The Counting Crows*
  • Clarity by John Mayer*
  • Good Enough by Sarah McLachlan
  • Nick of Time by Bonnie Raitt*
  • Piano Man by Billy Joel*
  • Pictures of You by The Cure
  • Second Hand News by Fleetwood Mac*
  • Someone Like You by Van Morrison

I’ve been lucky enough to see the starred ones, some more than once!

Last night I saw Christina Perri at a small radio marketing event that my sister’s company was involved in at the Hard Rock Cafe in Hollywood. Perri sang only three songs, two from her new album, released this week and opened with “A Thousand Years”.

I cried through the entire song. I didn’t sing along even though I know every word, I just cried.

I loved the Twilight series, read the books and was first in line to see the movies (all five), but I don’t remember hearing Perri’s song during the credits of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn—Part 1. Apparently after fans heard it on the movie’s soundtrack, they adopted it as “Bella and Edward’s song”. It’s significance to me isn’t Twihard related; for me it served as an anthem during my struggles with infertility, a love song to a child I longed to meet someday.

I’m still recovering/processing/coming up for air from that chapter of my life and it’s proving to be harder than I thought. Infertility is a crazy roller coaster ride of ebbs and flows, hope and disappointment and there were some very dark days when I didn’t think I could handle it anymore and those were the days I turned to my infertility playlist for inspiration, a good cry and above all comfort. “A Thousand Years” is on that playlist and will always be a favorite and gentle reminder of a very difficult period of my life.

Last night was only the second time I have heard the song since my miracle, Lola was born and I was completely overcome with emotion. It’s a beautiful and moving song.

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Not only did I get the chance to hear Christina Perri live, I also met her after her set and told her how much her song means to me. She was gracious and kind and asked how everything turned out and thanked me for sharing my story.

It was a very special experience. Thank you, again, Leah! You better believe I rushed home to snuggle our little Lola.

PicMonkey Collage1

Meeting Christina Perri – Hard Rock Cafe, April 2, 2014

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Beating Myself Up

Posted on March 31, 2014 Written by Tonya

Last week I went to Old Navy to get Lucas some play shorts and t-shirts and pants for school (what is it about boys wearing out the knees in every single pair of pants they wear?!). I like Old Navy a lot; they have a great selection, true to fit sizes and the price is always right.

Occasionally I’ll buy something fun and trendy for me there as well and right now all of the super cute light-colored springy items have hit their racks and it was too tempting for me. For the better part of eight months all I’ve worn are stretchy pants with secret tummy panels and billowy shirts with elastic along the sides. I’m ready to shop!!

But seriously, what the hell was I thinking trying on pants? I am so far from my pre-pregnancy weight, let alone my pre-pregnancy body. I am able to fit into my “fat” jeans, but none of my true regular pants yet. Those are several sizes from where I am today.

When I was pregnant with Lucas I gained 33 pounds. This time around, 44. 44!! I’m blaming the fertility meds I was on the first trimester and my adoration of baked goods and sandwiches. I’m already down 30 pounds and I know the last 10 are the hardest, but I want results NOW!!

I’ve been walking a lot and since bringing Lola home have worked back up to 4 miles 3 to 4 times a week but it’s time to kick it up a notch…. more cardio, less carbs and maybe enlist a professional! I’ve never been on a diet or nutrition plan, but I’m ready to make some serious changes in my diet.

It’s also time to give myself a break.

It took 9+ months to put all that weight on, I was creating a human for God’s sake so it’s going take a while to get back the way I was.

If I ever do.

The problem is I live in the worst place on the planet for a woman’s body consciousness. Southern California is full of beautiful and fit people. And it can be a very judge-y environment. In my case, most of it self inflicted, but with so much healthy living going on around you, it’s hard not to get caught up in it. I’ve shared my thoughts on weight here and here before but pregnancy is different.

Isn’t it?

I love exercising and I’m not above hard work. I know I’ll get there, but why do I beat myself up like this and why can’t all tags say this? And better yet, why can’t we believe it?

you are beautiful

Click on image for source.

A good reminder for us all, no?

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Filed Under: challenges, clothes, exercise, health, pregnancy2, shopping Tagged With: challenges, clothes, exercise, health, pregnancy2, shopping

After The Ground Shakes

Posted on March 29, 2014 Written by Tonya

It was shortly after 9 PM when a magnitude 5.1 earthquake centered at La Habra near Los Angeles rolled Southern California Friday night.

My husband was out for the evening, Lola was asleep in her bassinet in our room and I had left Lucas to look at books on his own 45 minutes earlier and knew he had to be asleep. I was enjoying a quiet minute and contemplating taking a shower.

All of a sudden the house started to shake. I panicked for a split second and then made my way to our walk-in closet for some reason. All the clothes on the hangers were swaying. I had never seen anything like that before and it was very creepy. I was nervous because I couldn’t remember what to do in case of an earthquake… Do I stand in a door way, crawl under the bed, what about the kids, why don’t we have an earthquake kit? Ugh, of all the nights for Todd to be out.

The jolt lasted a good 10 seconds.

Which is a long time if you think about it.

I texted Todd and he called me back right away, having been driving he didn’t feel a thing. As I talked to him, I walked down the hall to Lucas’s room.

I found him trembling knees to chest on his bed. What was that, he asked. Trying to remain calm I told him it was an earthquake. He said he thought the dog had been under his bed and then he asked if Lola was okay. How sweet is he? I asked him if he was scared and admitted that I was too. The house isn’t suppose to move like that!

I brought him into my room and turned on the TV (big mistake!!). We were both glued to news coverage for the next half hour, which prompted a lot of questions, especially when it was reported that Disneyland had shut down rides due to the quake. This is standard protocol for the Anaheim theme park, which is less than 10 miles from La Habra. Once the news coverage started to loop, I turned the TV off.

Lucas was then concerned about where daddy was because “it’s better when there are two parents”. He is so right! Todd arrived home safely and we all snuggled in our bed together. Lola soon joined us.

Lucas slept in our room with us but his questions continued until well after 11. He repeated over and over how glad he was that nothing broke or fell in our house with the exception of my shaving cream can in the shower. He kept getting tornadoes like the one in “Wizard of Oz” and earthquakes mixed up. He wanted us to leave lamps on and for the sun to come up because “everything is better in the light”. We tried to assure him that everything was okay and that if he didn’t want to close his eyes, he at least had to rest. Easier said than done when you are four years old and you have just experienced the earth moving for the first time.

I remember my first earthquake. It was in Palm Springs, the summer of 1986. A 5.9 magnitude, so considerably larger than last nights; and pictures did fall off the walls, windows broke and I was petrified. I was 14, 10 years older than my son is now. I’ve experienced several since then but it has been a while and they are always jarring.

Apart from all being a little tired today, the earthquake talk has stalled for now. I have found a couple of helpful You Tube videos to show Lucas if and when it comes up again. Todd and I have the makings of an earthquake/disaster kit and now know without a doubt the proper safety precautions :: DROP! COVER! HOLD ON! :: should it happen again, and living in Southern California, chances are good it will!

Tectonic plate action is confusing for adults, so how do we explain it to children?

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Filed Under: conversations with Lucas, earthquake, parenthood, worry Tagged With: conversations with Lucas, earthquake, parenthood, worry

No Guilt

Posted on March 27, 2014 Written by Tonya

After I made lunch for Lucas and got him off to school, I didn’t do anything productive. Not a damn thing.

I didn’t walk the dog.

I didn’t unload the dish washer.

I didn’t change the sheets or even make the beds.

I didn’t tackle the laundry.

I didn’t take a shower (I did brush my teeth!).

I didn’t pick up toys or other misplaced items.

I didn’t make it to the grocery store. Or dry cleaner. Or bank. Or gas station.

I didn’t return any phone calls.

I didn’t make any appointments.

There was no TV watching.

There was no reading.

There was no lunching with friends.

There was no meal planning.

There was no guilt.

It wasn’t a productive day but it was a great day!

download2

Smiley girl – 7 weeks

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, motherhood, SAHM, simple joys Tagged With: a mother's guilt, motherhood, SAHM, simple joys

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