Tonya

We Are Enemies

Posted on May 21, 2012 Written by Tonya

I have never hit anyone in my life.

A good friend pushed me in college because I was dancing with a boy she supposedly liked and I pushed back and another time, I slapped a guy for being crude, but that has been the extent of my physical altercations.

I don’t even know how to make a proper fist.

But believe me when I say that I would go full on Fight Club on Infertility if we ever met in a dark alley.

It wouldn’t even need to be dark.

Or an alley.

She could be walking out of a 7-Eleven in the broad daylight and I would kick her ass beyond recognition.

Any battle ground will do.

I just want to meet her one day and have my way.

I want to beat that bitch to a bloody pulp and show absolutely zero mercy.

She wouldn’t either.

I know this for a fact.

Infertility and I are enemies of the worst kind.

I would relish hearing bones crack and draw pleasure from wiping away my own blood from my mouth with the back of my hand. I would spit it right in her face.

It would be a heart pounding workout like I have never experienced, throwing blow after blow, advancing and retreating with more power and strength each time.

This would be no cat fight, no pussy hair pulling or nail scratching, what would be the point? I want to do real damage, full frontal contact with loud, hard shots square to the jaw and the ribs. I want to feel our legs and arms tangled.

Duck, kick, twist, punch, repeat.

Sweat and spit flying.

Deep guttural screams.

The loudest thing in my head, besides the ringing in my ears would be the cheers of encouragement from the dozens of women I personally know and countless others, I don’t, who wish they had gotten to her first.

Even though I could go at it for days, eventually we would both reach a point when we had had enough, but just when she’d think I was surrendering, I would muster the strength from a place deep down inside my soul and go after her one last time and bring her to her knees once and for all.

When it was over, I would sit down on the hard gravel, wince from the pain and though tears I didn’t think I had left would ask, “why?”.

______________________________________________

I read this post as part of the inaugural Sacramento Listen To Your Mother show in May 2013. You can view it here.

Face-to-face

Posted on May 20, 2012 Written by Tonya

My awesome husband and my oldest and dearest friend, Sophie have been conspiring for months to plan her visit to Southern California for my big 4-0! While she can’t be here in June for my actual birthday, she will be here later this month.

And when I say later this month, I mean in like FIVE days!! I am BEYOND excited!!

Sophie and I met in The Gambia, West Africa in 1985. We became instant best friends and partners in crime (literally and figuratively) and were inseparable for nearly three years. I never had met anyone like her before or since. When we moved in 1988, I was devastated.

I wouldn’t see Sophie again until 2000, but it was as if not a single day had gone by.

Sophie and her husband and two darling daughters, Emma and Noemi live in New Caledonia, off the coast of Australia today and Lucas and I visited them there in the spring of 2010. You can read all about our trip here. Once again, we picked up right where we left off, which I am convinced has to be the mark of a beautiful friendship. We are wives and mothers now and still have a very strong bond even though it is via e-mail, Facebook and Twitter.

Best friends and their children, New Caledonia, May 2010

This will be Sophie’s first visit to the United States and with that comes a lot of pressure! If you had never been to the U.S. before, what “must see” and “must do” items would be on your list?

A planner by nature, I do have all kinds of fun things organized for us to do while she’s here, none of which I can reveal now because Sophie does read my blog, but what I am looking forward to the most is sharing several ~~bottles~~ glasses of wine, sitting in the backyard and talking. Face-to-face.

What a lovely (early) birthday present! I can’t think of a better way to kick off my 40’s.

Dead Dads Club

Posted on May 15, 2012 Written by Tonya

I first met Mary in March, 2011 at Bloggy Boot Camp in San Diego and was instantly smitten.

Mary is lively and vibrant and gave a wonderful talk on vlogging. And then I started following her awesome vlogs on The Mama Mary Show because after all, she’s the pro and oh so funny!

If you haven’t seen her Why I Love Kristen Wigg and Should Star in Bridesmaid 2 vlog, go now. I’ll wait. But please come back, because Mary is here today sharing a bittersweet letter to her father, who has been gone for 11 years. I, like some of you can identify with this loss all too well and that’s why Mary and I will always be kindred spirits and members of the Dead Dads Club. That and the fact that I can’t listen to Lady Gaga’s Edge of Glory without thinking of her.

Dear Dad,

A lot has happened in the past eleven years since you’ve been gone. In one breath it feels like just yesterday that we were sitting in your den, watching TV and discussing plans for my wedding, but yet, it also feels like an eternity since you were a living, breathing part of my daily life.

I’ve been a lot of places and experienced some pretty remarkable things over the years, that I wish I could have shared with you, but by far my biggest accomplishment has been having my two daughters, Lily and Lexi. I see you in them, which is really comforting, yet it also breaks my heart to think you will never get to know them or they you. I talk to them about you often because I want them to know what a great man their grandfather was.

My other major accomplishment has been publishing my book, Dead Dads Club; Stories of Love, Loss, and Healing By Daughters Who Have Lost Their Dads, and launching the DeadDadsClub Web site in your honor. Part of me thinks you would be pissed as hell that I am making such a big deal out of you, but I really had to find a way to turn my grief into something positive. For that I think, I hope, you would be proud.

The one thing I know you’d be disappointed with is that I’ve only been in one play since you died, Dad. I did my last show the year after you died and it felt hopelessly empty and uncomfortable being on stage without you in the audience. Of course Mom and Steve were there and have remained incredibly supportive of me, but for some reason, I haven’t been able to bring myself to go back to performing since you’ve been gone. I know how much that would pain you to know because you would never have wanted me to give up on my dreams.

The good news is that I’m starting to get the itch to perform again. I’ve been on some auditions recently and I’m even going to be performing in a dance recital this next weekend with the girls. Part of me wonders/worries that it is silly of me to perform in a recital made up predominantly of kids and teens, but I’m looking at it as a challenge and also a baby step to getting back into the swing of things. Again, I think, hope, you would be proud.

And in other news, I just turned 40 years old. How the heck did that happen? I am now the age that you and mom were when you had me, which seemed ancient when I was a kid. Recently I found a photo of you, taken when you were around 40, and it really made me wish that my 40-year-old-self could hang out with your 40-year-old self. We would get along famously, I just know it. We would drink wine, argue about politics, and discuss books, though we couldn’t quite talk about the book I’m currently reading.

As I’ve gotten older and become a parent I have begun to appreciate you in an entirely new light. There was a time when I was growing up that I resented you for drinking so much and for working such long hours. For yelling at Mom and for treating your daughters like we were clients. But now that I am a parent, I see that you were doing the best you could do. You were doing what you knew and what you thought was right.

One of the most poignant memories I think of frequently took place one afternoon, just a week or so before you died, almost exactly eleven years ago. We were in your den and I was administering your saline IV drip. We were facing each other, practically face-to-face. I didn’t know how much more time I had with you so I decided to take that intimate moment to tell you everything I wanted to say. I told you that I loved you. I thanked you for being such a great dad.

“You’ve supported me in everything I’ve wanted to do, allowed me to travel and to find out who I am.”

You replied with, “Well it seemed like the right thing to do at the time.”

“I am going to miss you, Dad.”

“I’m going to miss you too, babe.”

I fought back my tears because you always hated to see me cry, but as soon as your IV drip was in place, I excused myself from the room and wept like a baby. I knew that was going to be one of the last moments I would have with you, and it was.

I think back to that time and wonder if I said enough. Was I fervent enough in my love or grateful enough in my thanks? Did you truly know how much I loved you?

I guess that’s why I’m writing this now. I want to make sure, all of these years later, that you know how much I love and miss you.

I’m going to assume that yes, you know. I’m also assuming that you’re having a helluva good time, wherever you are, with your old buddies like Newman, Jack and Harry. I hope you’re hanging out with your daughter/my sister, Marci, who left us to join you way too soon. And I hope you’re looking down with the same pride you used to beam with from the theater seats.

I’m smiling back, blowing kisses and missing you to pieces.

Love, as always,

Mary

A Month To Remember

Posted on May 15, 2012 Written by Tonya

If you follow me on Twitter, Facebook or Instagram then you know I had a pretty awesome week last week.

Not only was it Mother’s Day, but after nagging (I HATE that word, by the way) my husband for us to do something different for a change, we definitely fulfilled that wish. To his credit, Todd is a great sport, up for just about anything and was as excited as I was about all of our fun activities.

This week was perfect; we had a fun play date, went to a Food Truck Fare, sweated my butt off trampoline jumping, celebrated a dear friend’s birthday at an Indian restaurant we have both been wanting to try and went out on a Duffy boat, but my favorite activity (apart from the Mother’s Day breakfast I shared with Lucas at his school on Friday) was originally a gift for Todd.

For his 40th birthday in December, I gave him 40 days of gifts (one per day) leading up to his big day and one of those gifts was a 90 minute Segway tour.

Due to scheduling conflicts and babysitter issues we hadn’t been able to book it until last week. Let me tell you, it was worth the wait! I had the goofy smile you see on my face below the entire time. Segways are super easy to use, can go anywhere and are a lot of fun.

If you have never been on a Segway, are the least bit interested and there is a place in your town that gives tours, I HIGHLY recommend it!

May is going to be a month to remember…. more details to come.

Linking up with Galit (These Little Waves) and Alison’s (Mama Wants This) monthly link up, Memories Captured.

This Is Motherhood

Posted on May 12, 2012 Written by Tonya

Not a day goes by that I don’t wonder if my mother would think I was doing a good job raising my son.

Not a day goes by that I don’t want to pick up the phone and call my mother to ask her, when I was Lucas’ age, did I do this or that? or seek parenting advice of one type or another.

Not a day goes by that I don’t want to send her a photo of a grandson she never had the chance to meet.

Not a day goes by that I don’t think of her and wish she were here.

Not a day goes by when I don’t feel incredibly grateful for my childhood, the lessons that were instilled in me and the love she showed me.

Sitting next to Lucas yesterday in his classroom for Mother’s Day breakfast, he was as thrilled to have me there as I was to be there. He was beaming; his were eyes brighter and bluer than usual and a permagrin affixed to his face.

I am so proud to be his mom. My heart was overjoyed and I welled up as he presented me with a wooden treasure box he had painted and card that had been decorated with his tiny hand-print.

In that moment, two things occurred to me; this is motherhood, an all encompassing rush of love that you feel throughout every pore and cell of your body and a deep hope that I made my mother feel this way too.

This Mother’s Day, as with every day, I miss my mom.

I miss her wisdom and humor and chocolate chip cookies. I miss her smile and not being able to take a photo without losing her eyes (case and point below). I miss her ability to know when to back off and when to reach out a hand. I miss her laughter than inevitably turned into a coughing attack. Oh, what I wouldn’t give to hear that again.

She was a good mother.

The last Mother's Day I spent with my mom - 2007.

Wishing mothers everywhere a very happy Mother’s Day!

Fear & Anxiety

Posted on May 10, 2012 Written by Tonya

It is completely heartbreaking (and to be fair, a little frustrating) when your child is inconsolable because they lack the words to express what ails them or what they desire.

If you knew, you could address it, right? When our children were infants, we went through the check list: is he wet?, is it meal time?, is he gassy?, is he tired?, etc. As their vocabulary increases, they can tell you what’s wrong or what they need. Instead of their grunts and groans and our second guessing, we hear, “more grapes” or “I have a tummy ache”. It’s wonderful!

Lucas has an extensive vocabulary, but it is devastating to visibly see anxiety and fear getting the best of him. He doesn’t have the words to describe those feelings and we are struggling to calm him through two very scary (to him) situations: fire alarms and swim lessons.

Let me back up a little…

When we were in Hawaii last summer, we were awakened on the first night of our stay by a loud fire alarm scaring Lucas half to death. I have never seen him so frightened. He was shaking and holding on to me tighter than anyone ever has and it took him a long time to get back to sleep that night.

Six months later he was in the Kids Club at the gym I attend and there was a fire alarm and everyone was evacuated from the building.

Once a month at his preschool, he experiences a fire drill, which just adds more fuel to the fire (no pun intended).

All of these incidents are discussed in our home on a regular basis. Even when we think we’ve moved past it, Lucas will demand that we tell him the “story” of what occurred during each scenario over and over and over.

He knows “fire alarms are just loud and don’t hurt you”, “we need them to be safe in case there is a real emergency”, and that his teachers will give him a “heads up”, if there is going to be a drill on one of the three days he’s at school, but he is still struggling.

Lucas’ other source of anxiety is swim lessons. He LOVES every form of water and has no qualms about going under water, floating, blowing bubbles, etc. We have completed four Parent & Me classes, BUT he is not a fan of his semi-private lessons and he frets about it all morning leading up to it. He ends up doing all the work in the 20 minute class, but cries all the way through.

For both of these issues, I have taught Lucas some basic deep breathing techniques for when he begins to feel scared and of course, we talk about what he’s experiencing and assure him that it’s okay to be scared.

Turns out the deep breathing helps me too, as there is nothing sadder than that face he makes just before his eyes well up with tears and his chin starts to quiver. All I can do is scoop him up and kiss him repeatedly and hold him and protect him.

My little boy.

On one hand, anxiety is a natural condition that helps us cope with new experiences and protects us from danger, so he HAS to work through it, but he’s only (almost) three and on the other, he’s a boy and society says that he is suppose to be tough and brave and show little emotion. As his mother, I just want to help him the best way I can.

If you’re the mother of a boy, how are you teaching that it is okay to be fearful? Do you have any tips for taming anxiety?

I Heart Teachers!

Posted on May 9, 2012 Written by Tonya

I grew up with teachers.

My parents were educators, who worked in American international schools for 28 years and prior to that on an American Indian reservation in Arizona. Their careers spanned 35 years and if I learned anything from them, it was how much they enjoyed their jobs, how hard they worked and how dedicated they were. They loved children and were good at their jobs.

I spent many weekends in either one of their classrooms “playing teacher” as they worked on their lesson plans in preparation for the week ahead. As I got older, I was recruited to help cut out letters, assemble packets, test markers, organize books, try out a new project or craft or run dittos (remember those?).

It was fun being at school after hours and hanging out with teachers when they weren’t in “teacher mode”. Having them over for dinner or vacationing with them and their families humanized them. They were my parents friends and once I became an adult, they were mine too.

I’ve always thought teachers were amazing, selfless people. I realize now that I am a parent, how much faith and trust we put in our children’s teachers and I know that our education system is suffering in this country and our teachers aren’t paid enough for what they do. Many of our classrooms are overcrowded and special needs aren’t being met.

Nevertheless, teachers are the people who educate us and give us the vital knowledge which we need to live our lives. They encourage, support, discipline and prepare us for the road ahead and they deserve a time for us to show them our appreciation.

Teacher Appreciation Week is this week (May 7-11) and it is the perfect opportunity for us to show teachers how thankful we are for their support.

Demonstrate how much the teachers in your life mean to you by saying thank you to the people who work really hard so that we can have a better future.

Lucas took Starbucks gift cards to preschool yesterday for each of his teachers. The smiles on their faces told me that they would be put to good use.

Have you done anything special for the teachers in your life?

For some simple and inexpensive gift ideas, visit my post today on Smart Mom Style.

Dear John

Posted on May 8, 2012 Written by Tonya

Kirsten of The Kir Corner and I have a lot on common. Not only do we both adore cupcakes, shoes and our sons, we are soul sisters in our struggle with infertility. She has provided me with so much love and encouragement through this crazy journey, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank her.

Kristen is a wonderful writer, mother and friend. We connected through our writing initially (she blows me away in that arena by the way), but within two minutes of talking to her on the phone for the first time over six months ago, I knew I’d have a friend for life.

It is my honor to welcome Kristen here today sharing the sweetest letter to her husband. Let it serve as a tiny glimpse into her gigantic heart.

I love Tonya. She is a girl who makes my heart happy because she is such a wonderful human being. I was so happy when she told me that I could write for the Letters for You series and for months I thought about who I would choose to write to.

In the end it came down to LOVE.

Thank you, Tonya for sharing your space today. Getting to know you the past year has been such a sweet surprise and I feel so lucky to call you a friend. xo

Dear John,

It seems like such a cliché to pick you to write to, when I could be cute, creative or cunning with that choice. Yet, it only seems right that I write to you since you are really the one person I write to the least when in reality I should be scrawling words to you on your bathroom mirror, tracing your name in the sand and shouting to the world about how much you mean to me.

So a letter, here at Tonya’s place, it is.

I am a true believer in the magic of the words “I love you” and it makes me so happy that you and I say them often, to each other, to the boys and we mean them. Even when we fight, we come back to “I love you” and that is something I know we are lucky to have in one another.

But there are two other words that I have learned are just as important and somehow just as magical,

“Thank you.”

These two words can heal an ache, they can build a bridge, they can allow a light to shine into the darkness and they convey gratefulness for things, big and small, common and extraordinary.

So…

John, sweet, gentle, funny and patient man of mine, THANK YOU…

…for loving me in spite of myself.

…for believing in me even when I can’t find that acceptance in myself.

…for letting me sleep on Saturdays when a migraine or a flare presents itself, without anything but concern at the heart of it.

…for making eggs on Saturday mornings and feeding the boys, for taking the garbage and the dog out, for carrying the heavy bags and for staying at the mall far too long without complaint.

…for calling me on my bullshit and encouraging me to be a better person.

…for knowing my favorite color, my favorite TV shows and movies and that cupcakes and high heels make me happy…all these things as silly as they look on the outside are the heart of you and me, I know, deep down, you know me and you love me anyway. (Wink)

…for shielding me from the bad stuff, the bad news, and for taking it all in your heart so I don’t need to, for being stronger than I am in so many ways. Our life is far from perfect but when we catch each other’s eyes and share a moment, a private joke, a laugh that doubles us over, I know we’ll be okay as long as we’re together.

…for being the kind of father to Giovanni & Jacob you read about in fairytales. You amaze and amuse me every day with the way you show our sons how to be a man in this world. I could not have asked for a better role model for them.

…for going beyond yourself to give me things. Last week when you told me you had booked the hotel for our Listen to Your Mother weekend and I said “thank you” you responded with “a star needs to be treated like one.” My heart exploded with the kind of love you have for me.

…for surprising me, in every day, with the way love works and for reminding me that even when I am sure you don’t “See me” anymore, you do and you acknowledge that in so many ways from letting me write a November away for NaNoWriMo, or leaving you with the boys so I can go to lunch with my girlfriends, from encouraging me to do the IVF because, “you’ll be right beside me”, to “finish the book” to “honey, this audition is ‘all you’” .

…for being the CHEERLEADER in my life, the one who stands on the sidelines and takes no credit but deserves it more than anyone for all you do. For telling me I’m beautiful & smart and making me feel that way when I stand next to you.

…for all the FAITH you have. Belief in us, trust in the modern medicine that brought us Gio and Jacob, Conviction in the way we live our lives.

…and finally, thank you, in every moment of every day, for Choosing Me to spend your life with.

Sometimes I am sure I do not deserve the blessed, lucky life we lead, but THANK YOU for asking me to be your wife.

It’s been the greatest adventure of my life.

I love you honey,

xoxo

My Voice

Posted on May 7, 2012 Written by Tonya

Ever since Galit and Nicole posed the question, Who Do You Speak For?, it has been on my mind.

I have an amazing life but it has been touched with tragedy and loss. My heartaches are no deeper than yours.

I share my story here and it helps me more than I ever thought it would.

Or could.

I speak for those who can’t because they are no longer here, those who don’t and those who won’t. I share my story so that I don’t feel so alone in my trials and growth and so that I may help somebody in a similar situation in the process.

I speak for my son in the hope that he will know me better and understand how much he is loved and adored. I write about his childhood and all the amazing (and sometimes trying) moments that bring joy to my life simply because he is here.

Sometimes I worry about revealing too much, but this is my space and these are my thoughts, feelings and memories and I always speak from the heart.

It is the only way I know.

This post is for Galit and Nicole‘s Mother’s Day linky, Who Do You Speak For?. I urge you to share the reasons why you blog and how you use your voice.

For Diana

Posted on May 4, 2012 Written by Tonya

I stood in the shower this morning and cried.

I don’t know Diana.

I don’t have to.

What I do know is, she is the mother of two year old, Bella, she was pregnant with twins and today is suffering a pain so great and deep that it will follow her the rest of the days of her life.

If you don’t know Diana’s story, she lost her twin boys this week at 19 weeks and 4 days. You can read all about her incredible journey to this day here.

Life is so very precious.

Here I am trying to conceive another child, but even if I’m lucky enough to get the chance, I am cruelly reminded that anything can go wrong at any time and that life can be terribly unfair.

I am reminded that creating life is a fragile endeavor and should never be taken lightly or for granted.

These are the lessons we can all learn from Diana.

I stood in the shower this morning and cried.

I cried for what is, what isn’t and for the monumental task Diana faces to try to heal her broken heart and find some peace again.

I thank God that she has her precious Bella.

I’ll be hugging Lucas a little longer and a lot tighter today.

This post is dedicated to Julian Toby and Preston William.

We Are Enemies

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