advice

Even More Things I Know For Sure – NaBloPoMo

Posted on November 17, 2015 Written by Tonya

Turns out at 43 I know some stuff.

Not a lot of stuff but enough.

I’ve shared before: 13 Things I Know For Sure and 13 More Things I Know For Sure.

For those of your keeping track, I’m up to 39 things I know for sure, as in without a doubt, I’d bet my next paycheck on it certainty.

Here again, is a list of 13 more things I know for for

1. People drive through our neighborhood too fast.

2. People drive too fast in general. Last May I got a speeding ticket, my first in years and I paid dearly for it. I’ve tried to slow ever since.

3. There are few things like reveling in the fact that all the laundry is done. I live for those five minutes each week!

4. All neighborhoods should have sidewalks.

5. Any time I step foot in Target I will spend $100.00. Even if I just go for one or two items. I know I’m not alone in this phenomenon.

6. Any time I step foot in a store that has carts and I think that basket will do I’m wrong!

7. If you give a child a napkin and they will find anything else inappropriate to use instead.

8. Inevitably a playdate will fall on the day after the housekeeper has come.

9. 5 to 7 days after we’ve been at a bounce house (or any public venue) birthday party, Lucas’s nose will start running like a faucet and within 48 hours his sister’s will too. But I will will be the one down for the count for at least two days! Good times.

10. As soon as the dishwasher in my house is emptied, it’s full again.

11. Lucas will try a new food at someone else’s house and love it, but the minute I serve it to him in our home, he won’t eat it.

12. My children truly have no idea how much they are loved. There is just no way.

13. Every day brings a chance to start over, a clean slate, a new beginning. And thank God for it!

What do you know for sure?

13 More Things I Know For Sure

Posted on January 19, 2015 Written by Tonya

Call it Murphy’s Law, women’s intuition, or just knowing myself and those around me really well, there are certain things that as a 42 and a half year old woman I have come to learn and know to be without a doubt true.

Here are 13 more things I know for sure:

1. As soon as I warn my five-year-old that his elbow is dangerously close to a cup of milk, he will knock it over.

2. Just as I am are ready to leave the house, my toddler will have a gigantic poop! This will not only be frustrating, but make me later to wherever it was I was suppose to be five minutes ago.

3. It’s always better to call than e-mail or text.

4. I will always leave my son’s classroom after volunteering my time with a smile on my face and a renewed sense of wonder and imagination.

5. I have to exercise daily for my sanity and those around me.

6. The day before I have a manicure scheduled I will break three fingernails.

7. If I plan to take my toddler to said manicure during her scheduled nap time, she will not sleep.

8. The game or toy or book or article of clothing or concert or fill in the blank that I am most looking forward to will be back ordered, out of stock or sold out, but if karma is on my side, I’ll find it at Target.

9. Being a mother is the hardest job on earth. Hands down.

10. The minute I think, “Gee, I haven’t been sick in a while,” I will feel a tickle in my throat and be sore from head to toe.

11. What works in your house may not work in mine and vice versa and that’s okay.

12. I know that change is inevitable and I’m much better off adjusting than struggling to keep things the way they are.

13. I know that life is a roller coaster and all I can do some days is hold on and enjoy the ride and or scream my head off!

For my previous 13 Things I Know For Sure, click here. And if you’re keeping track, that 26 now. Go me!

What do you know for sure?

Old School Blogging: Reflections

Posted on January 14, 2015 Written by Tonya

I’m linking up with Elaine of The Miss Elaine-ous Life for a little Old School Blogging and today I’m doing some major reflecting on jobs I’ve had, idols, personal accomplishments and my last meal….

Who do you idolize?
The 15-year-old in me wants to shout Dave Matthews because… Dave Matthews.

The mother in me wants to say my fertility doctor because… Lola.

But really, anyone who has more creativity than me, whether it’s artistically, or musically, someone who can look at the contents of my refrigerator and cupboards and come up with an amazing meal, people that can draw anything other than a stick figure, people who are kind beyond measure and go out of their way consistently to do things for others, people that write and speak effortlessly and with passion and conviction, these are the people I idolize.

What is something you are really proud of that you have accomplished?
I hope it goes without saying that I’m really proud of my children and my marriage (most days).

I also love that I have kept up with an exercise regime that works for me and makes me feel good. I walked 534 miles in 2014!

I’m proud of the many 5Ks I’ve participated in, the one half-marathon and three (!) Susan G. Komen 3-day walks.

I’m really proud of the infertility column I wrote for SheKnows. I shared what I was experiencing on a day-to-day basis with my own struggle and it was always from my heart. I know that my words helped other women battling infertility and hopefully still do.

I’m proud that I submitted and read a piece I wrote in front of a large audience for Listen To Your Mother two years ago.

What is something that you are not so proud of?
I am not proud of my behavior sometimes. I hate that I get to a point with my son where I yell. I hate yelling!! We seem to be having a listening problem.

I have a tendency to be selfish and fly off the handle, as they say. My husband gets the brunt of it and it’s completely unfair. I’m working on my patience level and lowering my expectations.

Who was your best friend when you were 5, 6, or 7? Tell me something about them.
Charmaine was my first sleep-over-mimic-the-dance-moves to Grease 2-shaved-my-legs-with-for-the-first-time real friend. We met in second grade while both living in Karachi, Pakistan and are still friends today. She lives in Holland and I haven’t seen her since 1985 but I love that we have kept in touch over the years.

What is one thing you wish you could still do but may seem impossible right now?
A really good cartwheel or the splits. For as much yoga and other exercise that I do, I am so not flexible.

If you could chose it, what would be your last meal?
Filet Mignon with peppercorn sauce, my husband’s twice-baked potatoes, steamed broccoli, a glass of The Dreaming Tree Cabernet and cannoli for dessert.

What are two or three jobs you’ve had that you liked?
There are aspects of every job I’ve ever had that I really enjoyed. Mostly the people and relationships, and there were aspects that were downright awful. Mostly the people. Just kidding. I’m most grateful for working in publishing at two different companies, Fancy Publications and Crain Communications.

I think my favorite job was my early years of working in an advertising agency. The creativity and buzz was electric and I really felt a part of something special. It was my dream job. I thrived on the impossible deadlines and late hours, until I didn’t.

What is one job that you did not like?
The first job I accepted out of college I hated mainly because of the bitchy women and I worked with and also because I was asked to change my name. Long story but there was another Tonya on staff so I went by my middle name. It was a stupid and regrettable decision on my part.

What is your least favorite chore around the house?
Hands-down unloading the dishwasher!

How tall are you? Do you wish you were taller? Shorter?
5′ 7 1/2″ and I’m okay with it. I haven’t always been, especially when dating shorter guys.

How old are you? What is something you have learned in those years that you want to share?
I am 42 and a 1/2 and yes, the half is still important to me today as it was when I was 5 and a 1/2!

I’m still learning, but one thing lately I know for sure is that when being seated at a restaurant, it’s okay to say, “I don’t want to sit here, can we find another table?”.

I also cannot implore younger women enough to take care of their skin… sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen! Apply it everywhere, not just your face but your entire neck and upper chest. I wish I had started that process a lot earlier.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown more comfortable in my skin and with my body and that is something I never thought would happen.

What is one of your favorite quotes on love, life or motherhood (choose one)?
I am a collector of quotes so this is nearly impossible to answer, but one that I come back to over and over again is: “And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

But I also love: “Always be a first rate version of yourself, and not a second rate version of someone else.” – Judy Garland

And there’s this one: “The real things haven’t changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder

Cool Facebook Feature: Saving Items To Read Later

Posted on September 10, 2014 Written by Tonya

I have so much I want to share… my mother/son trip to Chicago, Lucas’s first day of Kindergarten and his “goals” for the school year, my feelings about Lola growing up too fast, trying to savor the small moments of her babyhood and coming to grips with the fact that she will most likely be my last baby, my favorite Dave Matthews Band lyrics (a project I have been working on in PicMonkey for weeks!), gun play, transgender issues that have me in tears, and an incredible book that I read in two days and touched me in more ways than I never expected, Rare Bird by my friend Anna Whiston Donaldson but, while my head is full and drafts are started but sit unfinished and I grow increasingly depressed by how I can’t seem to find the time to write, I recently discovered something that has literally changed my [social media] life.

I used to take screen shots of Facebook posts that I wanted to come back to later and read and/or share but many times never did which resulted in hundreds of photos on my phone with unworkable links. I’m stubborn about deleting them and delusional that I’ll ever find the time to read them.

I don’t know how I discovered it, but I’m thrilled that I did… Did you know that you can save things you find on Facebook to read later with a nifty Save feature? It’s super easy and for all the bitching everyone does about Facebook, they have created a pretty cool site.

On every Facebook post that contains a link, there is a a small gray carat which leads to a drop down menu, click it and scroll down to Save “TITLE OF POST”. Easy right?

But where do they go?

Check out one of the menu options on your Feed Page/Favorites:

Happy saving and you’re welcome!

How I Beat The Post-Holiday Blues

Posted on December 28, 2013 Written by Tonya

Our first Christmas in our new house was a memorable one and the 75+ degree temperatures have been weird and wonderful. I loved having my in-laws, sister and her boyfriend staying with us and still can’t believe all of my recipes turned out exactly the way they were suppose to. I think spent more time in the kitchen over the last week than I have all year (more on this in another post)! And nothing can compare to a child’s excitement over Santa’s arrival. Lucas was a ball of energy all week!

But now it’s over.

Just like that.

For me the worst part of Christmas is the aftermath: the tree has been taken down, most of the gifts have either been exchanged, returned for the correct size or put away, the last of the pie has been eaten, family and friends have gone home, the mailbox is no longer bursting with greetings and thank you cards have been started.

It’s sad.

So much excitement and anticipation goes into prepping for the holidays and then all at once, it’s over and the warm fuzzy feelings disappear.

Here are some ways I like to combat the post-holiday blues:

Create a scrapbook or fun collage to commemorate holiday memories.

Begin (or in my case, resume) an exercise program. I went for a walk this morning and it was mind clearing and felt great.

Daydream about summer and our next family vacation. We’re thinking Mexico and yes, with a new baby!

Do something productive… as if I haven’t been productive the last few months, making a baby and moving, etc., but I spent some time getting Lucas signed up for swim lessons, soccer and researched karate classes. I also packed a bag for the hospital and renewed my domain name. All of these tasks have been on my To Do list for weeks and I’m glad to have them behind me.

Treat myself. Like me, chances are you have been cooking and baking for family and friends and buying for others, so now is the time to schedule a massage or hair appointment, or some quiet time alone to curl up with a good book (or my brand new Kindle Paperwhite!!).

I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, so I reached out to a friend and we had a great phone call recapping the last few days and planning for the upcoming weeks.

How do you avoid the post holiday blues?

Whatever you do to get through this time, know that these feelings will soon pass and more good times are in store!

I Don’t Know How To Play

Posted on September 17, 2013 Written by Tonya

I’m a terrible mother because the three words I loathe the most are: play with me, especially when strung together repeated and delivered in a whinny four year old voice.

I will go round after round and even let him win sometimes at Junior Scrabble, UNO and Connect Four, in fact I love games!

I will ask 20 questions, trying to figure out what he spies with his little blue eyes.

I will search high and low for gel food dye to add to shaving cream to smear all over the shower stall, bend and twist pipe cleaners, clean up glitter and tiny pieces of construction paper and attempt to draw anything he asks me to.

I will create a playlist of his favorite Top 40 hits and have a dance party in our living room.

I will spend hours at Disneyland, California Adventure, Knott’s Berry Farm, Sea World and Legoland with him by my side waiting patiently to go on each and every ride he desires.

I will push him on swings, play hide-and-seek and time him on his scooter as he makes loop after loop around the park.

I will load the car with sand toys, sunscreen and towels in order to to spend the afternoon at the beach building castles, hunting for shells and chasing seagulls.

I will take him to Target knowing full well I’ll be spending most of our trip in the toy aisle agonizing over Cars, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and other items he has, wants or needs.

I will learn all his favorite characters names and let him quiz me on them.

I will carefully pre-measure ingredients for him to add to bowls and let him try using the mixer on low so he can “help” me bake a cake.

I will pack his backpack with his beloved snacks and activities and take him on many trips to visit family in the Bay Area.

I will read him any of the dozens of books we own over and over all day long.

I will take him to the latest kids movie where we share the biggest bag of popcorn they sell.

I will send mothers I don’t know notes asking if their sons would enjoy coming to our home to spend time with my son.

I will make up silly songs, perform puppet shows with no real story lines and do just about anything to make Lucas smile or laugh.

There are tons of things I will do with my son and thoroughly enjoy, but playing with him is not one of them.

Pushing cars around the floor and having “races” is not fun for me.

I don’t know how to be a ninja and I hate holding toys or stuffed animals in my hand making them have conversations with one another.

It’s not that I feel silly or stupid, I’m just not good at pretending. I think maybe I was once… I loved playing with Barbies but not anymore and I feel guilty because I hear “play with me” A LOT!! And too many times my response is, “let’s go to the park!”.

Do you know how to play with your children? Please tell me I’m not alone in my guilt.

Potty Mouth

Posted on December 18, 2012 Written by Tonya

If you’ve ever spent any time in real life with me then you know I have a foul mouth. Yesterday (after waiting to see my doctor for over an hour and a half and then finally deciding to get up and leave) was a particularly foul language day.

Cursing. It’s a deplorable trait.

I think I can count on one hand how many times I heard my mother use a curse word, which only makes me feel worse.

For me, cursing has become somewhat of a habit, whether it’s out of anger, frustration or to emphasize a point, sometimes there is just no substitute for “hell”, “shit”, “damn”, or worse. I have several four-letter favorites.

I have been noticing rampant potty talk in public lately too. It seems as though people have no sensor, no decorum.

Has cursing become more acceptable? I think over the years my language has gotten worse. I blame the challenges of parenthood and our six-month old puppy. But really that is no excuse.

I try to temper myself, especially around Lucas because he is a little mimic and I am ashamed to admit has dropped the F bomb more than once.

In an appropriate scenario.

In front of my in-laws.

Not one of my finer moments.

I’ve been trying to say, “what the H?”, “F this” or “F-ing that” and Lucas thinks it’s a letters game and will say, “what the K?”, “what the L?” and “J that”.

The twinkle in his eye tells me he knows better.

How do you mind your Ps and Qs around your tots?

Fear & Anxiety

Posted on May 10, 2012 Written by Tonya

It is completely heartbreaking (and to be fair, a little frustrating) when your child is inconsolable because they lack the words to express what ails them or what they desire.

If you knew, you could address it, right? When our children were infants, we went through the check list: is he wet?, is it meal time?, is he gassy?, is he tired?, etc. As their vocabulary increases, they can tell you what’s wrong or what they need. Instead of their grunts and groans and our second guessing, we hear, “more grapes” or “I have a tummy ache”. It’s wonderful!

Lucas has an extensive vocabulary, but it is devastating to visibly see anxiety and fear getting the best of him. He doesn’t have the words to describe those feelings and we are struggling to calm him through two very scary (to him) situations: fire alarms and swim lessons.

Let me back up a little…

When we were in Hawaii last summer, we were awakened on the first night of our stay by a loud fire alarm scaring Lucas half to death. I have never seen him so frightened. He was shaking and holding on to me tighter than anyone ever has and it took him a long time to get back to sleep that night.

Six months later he was in the Kids Club at the gym I attend and there was a fire alarm and everyone was evacuated from the building.

Once a month at his preschool, he experiences a fire drill, which just adds more fuel to the fire (no pun intended).

All of these incidents are discussed in our home on a regular basis. Even when we think we’ve moved past it, Lucas will demand that we tell him the “story” of what occurred during each scenario over and over and over.

He knows “fire alarms are just loud and don’t hurt you”, “we need them to be safe in case there is a real emergency”, and that his teachers will give him a “heads up”, if there is going to be a drill on one of the three days he’s at school, but he is still struggling.

Lucas’ other source of anxiety is swim lessons. He LOVES every form of water and has no qualms about going under water, floating, blowing bubbles, etc. We have completed four Parent & Me classes, BUT he is not a fan of his semi-private lessons and he frets about it all morning leading up to it. He ends up doing all the work in the 20 minute class, but cries all the way through.

For both of these issues, I have taught Lucas some basic deep breathing techniques for when he begins to feel scared and of course, we talk about what he’s experiencing and assure him that it’s okay to be scared.

Turns out the deep breathing helps me too, as there is nothing sadder than that face he makes just before his eyes well up with tears and his chin starts to quiver. All I can do is scoop him up and kiss him repeatedly and hold him and protect him.

My little boy.

On one hand, anxiety is a natural condition that helps us cope with new experiences and protects us from danger, so he HAS to work through it, but he’s only (almost) three and on the other, he’s a boy and society says that he is suppose to be tough and brave and show little emotion. As his mother, I just want to help him the best way I can.

If you’re the mother of a boy, how are you teaching that it is okay to be fearful? Do you have any tips for taming anxiety?

My Son Really Likes Me

Posted on April 17, 2012 Written by Tonya

We recently extended Lucas’ preschool hours from three hours each day, three days per week to six hours each day, three days per week. It has been four days so far with Spring Break in the middle.

Lucas will be three years old in June, he loves going to school, we felt he was ready and we are struggling with nap time at home. It’s bad, people!

Like most children, when Lucas doesn’t nap, he is a nightmare! A long afternoon becomes longer and dinner, bath and bedtime are dreadful. Lots of tears, kicking, screaming, you get the picture.

So, how is Lucas doing with nap time?

Wonderful, he was the first one asleep today!

Really?

And he slept for two hours.

Wow!

While I am pleased that Lucas is sleeping at school and I know at some point all children give up their naps, this conversation with Lucas’ preschool teacher made me insane seeing as we fight for him to rest on the days he doesn’t go to school. He goes so far as to tell me that he won’t nap HOURS before nap time. There is nothing more infuriating than a 2 1/2 year old bossypants.

I don’t know what I’m doing wrong. I stick to the school schedule, give fair warning, lay down with him, read him dozens of books, rub his back, sing to him and then end up letting him cry it out, which I absolutely hate, so after about 8 minutes, I give up and we forgo nap. Again.

My husband likes to joke and say Lucas won’t nap for me because he likes me too much.

That just can’t be true.

Any advice?

Please!

How To Be Present

Posted on March 24, 2012 Written by Tonya

Lately I have been anything but present.

I find myself getting distracted easily.

My mind wanders.

No, my mind races.

I’m always thinking about the next thing. The next thing I think I need to do, the next chore or task to tackle, the next deadline, the next appointment or place I am suppose to be.

I am struggling to be present,

to live in the moment,

enjoy the here and now.

My phone has become an extension of my hand.

I get lost on the Internet and consumed with social networking.

I grow impatient quickly and let the littlest things irritate me.

I wouldn’t say I’m a worrier, but I do spend a lot of time anticipating the future and that only proves to be problematic, futile even, because no matter how much I’d like to convince myself otherwise, I can’t control the direction in which things will go.

All I can control is this moment.

Right now.

This breath.

I recently started keeping a Gratitude Journal, using the app by the same name. Thank you, Nichole for introducing this to me!

Making a list of just five things each and every day that I am thankful for and that make me smile has helped me take witness of my life and think about what I’m doing, s.l.o.w. down and enjoy these moments.

My son deserves the best of me, as does everyone else in my life. I am learning how to be present.

How do you keep the most important things in focus when the rest of your life is a blur? How do you stay present?

Old School Blogging: Reflections

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