family

Love

Posted on December 22, 2014 Written by Tonya

I thought I knew love.

I experienced my first crush in the second grade. Every time I saw him or was near him I would burst into giggles and so of course, I avoided him like the plague.

In sixth grade, my crush made my palms sweaty and I did everything I could to be near him. He and I shared a single kiss, a peck really and it turned my world upside down.

In the seventh grade I was “going out” with a ninth grader. We held hands and waited for one another by each others lockers and thought I was pretty special. Little did he know, I had a crush on his best friend.

As a ninth grader, I was kissed (among other things) for real and thought it was love.

As a sophomore, I lusted after someone I couldn’t have and whenever I saw him felt butterflies in my tummy. He smelled like Drakkar Noir and I doodled his name inside tiny hearts on the inside covers of my notebooks. I probably stated dating an older boy who went to a different school because he wore the same cologne. We would spend hours on the phone talking about nothing and I thought it was love.

When I met the first boy/man I thought I was going to marry I couldn’t even articulate what I was feeling so that had to be love. I identified with every love song on the radio and it was as though a light bulb had gone on in my heart. We were polar opposites but this is it. This has to true love! Our relationship latest three years, however, looking back, that two years too long.

My heart literally skipped a beat and I stopped breathing for a full minute when the first man I loved asked me to marry him. We had survived a year long long distance relationship and lived together, broken up and found our way back together. Eventually we were married. It was wonderful for a while, but fundamentally we were too different, wanted different things from life and in hind insight should have remained friends. He’s a great guy and we are still in touch.

I was lucky enough to make it down the aisle a second time and I couldn’t have been happier. I held on to my father’s arm, surrounded by all of my favorite family and friends and said “I do” to the most amazing man I had ever met. My soul mate. My other half, my plus one, the one I was meant to be with.

Through my 20s and 30s I thought I knew all there was to know about love. Turns out I really didn’t have a clue.

I would never claim that one cannot know love until they have a child because love comes in many forms – gay, straight, unrequited, platonic, even puppy love.

But the love of a child? That’s different.

It became crystal clear to me the moment I became a parent how much my own mother and father cherished me.

These two little people… my son and my daughter, they have cracked open my heart in intricate ways it has never known before and revealed to me true, unconditional, pure love and I will never be the same.

Snowflakes

Posted on December 20, 2014 Written by Tonya

Together, Todd and I were enough and then we had Lucas.

Our son made us a family.

We desperately wanted a sibling for him and after a three year struggle with secondary infertility, we were finally able to give him one.

Our baby girl made our family complete.

A sibling is there to share secrets and face life’s greatest moments. But why I ever thought two children born to the same parents, raised in the same way would be alike is beyond me.

My sister and I are as different as night and day but I always thought it was because of the almost 12 year age difference between us. We were practically raised as only children and didn’t became close until we were adults. I have faced the best and worst life events with her by my side.

I have known many siblings and they are different from one another too but I never really thought why.

Now that I have two children I realize how unique siblings are from one another. Lucas and Lola are their own individual people with personalities and characteristics that are continuing to develop and while they do share genetics, they are very different.

So different.

So wonderful.

Just like snowflakes.

At only 10 1/2 months and 5 1/2 years old, I can already see how different my children are from one another.

Complex.

Delicate.

One of a kind.

Magical.

And always will they be siblings.

Loving & Loathing The Holidays

Posted on December 15, 2014 Written by Tonya

This is a hard time of year for many people.

Myself included.

From the week before Thanksgiving through January 1, I waver between being on the verge of a complete panic attack, find myself anxious and excited with everything there is to do to prepare for the big days ahead, feel tempted to stick a fork in my eye over complete frustration, exhibit weepy and melancholy behavior over people I miss, how pretty all the lights are and the kindness of strangers, I’m more exhausted during the holiday season than any other time of year and I am filled with a sense of blissful happiness. During this time frame, I can go through this cycle on a daily basis.

I’m a mess.

I simultaneously love and loathe the holidays.

Pulling three bins of Christmas crap out of the garage and untangling lights is the worst. Lola’s mild but curious interest in the tree and ornaments? Magical.

The hunt for the perfect gift, piles and piles of presents, marathon wrapping sessions and ribbon paper cuts? I loathe it all! The look on their faces when they open your gift = AWESOME!

Baking with Lucas? Yes, please! Eating half a dozen cookies and having to workout a little harder… BLAH!!

The daily To Do list? No, thanks. Crossing items off, however, feels great.

Spending time with friends doing holiday related activities? Love it.

Receiving beautiful holiday cards in the mail? J’adore! Picking a decent family photo, designing a card, addressing and stamping 200 envelopes… not so much.

The Elf of the Shelf? The jury is still out, but we are definitely having fun with it!

What do you love and/or loathe about this time of the year?

Another Mother

Posted on December 9, 2014 Written by Tonya

My mother died seven years ago but I have always missed her.

I think about my mother a lot during the holidays. She adored Christmas with a childlike glee, made the best chocolate chip and sugar cookies and could wrap a present like nobody’s business.

I wanted another mother.

I discovered at the tender age of 14 while getting ready for my first boy/girl party that the mother I had was never going to be the mother I needed. After helping me put together an outfit and apply the slightest bit of makeup, she said flatly I “looked fine” and shooed me out of her bedroom.

I was confused and hurt.

My mother was aloof and far way, indifferent and quiet. I tried like hell to get inside her head but she had no interest in self revelation or sharing herself with me. Or anyone, but perhaps my father and sister.

We struggled.

We struggled to communicate with one another, we struggled to relate to one another, we struggled to look each other in the eye. There was always a gaping distance between us. It wasn’t tension as the result of a big blow out, we simply had nothing to talk about. I remember a four-hour car ride we took together in which maybe ten words were shared.

Even after years of knowing what I would encounter each and every time, I still kept hoping that she would change. That she would let me in.

I needed a mother who was present and engaging, hands on and expressive. I wanted the kind of mother my friends had. One who was interested and interesting. I knew so little about the woman who raised me.

For years I thought if I could just find the right way to talk to her, she’d open up. Every question I asked lead to a dead end so eventually I gave up.

Things weren’t as quiet when my father was around and especially if my sister was present. Both served as buffers and provided topics of conversation.

As an adult, before both of my weddings and once on a very long family road trip I wanted to confront her but I chickened out because I was afraid of her response. My ego couldn’t handle more mommy disappointment. What could she say to me? “I’m sorry, I did the best I could.”? I didn’t want to hear that. Of course, I don’t know what I wanted to hear.

While I once thought my mother and I were as different as night and day, now I’m not so sure. Now that I’m a mother myself I feel like I know her in a whole new way. Is that crazy?

This was a stream of consciousness post written in 15 minutes with very little editing. My relationship with my mother is a topic that I could go on and on about as I try to dissect it, what I wish it was and how I find peace with it now that she is gone.

This House Needs A Mouse: A Book Review

Posted on December 8, 2014 Written by Tonya

We love books in our family!

Reading has always been one of my favorite pastimes and before either of my children were born, they had a ready and waiting library of childhood classics. Now reading together before bedtime is sometimes the best part of our day. We snuggle up together with a pile of books, with firm instructions to “read them in the order on your lap” and I try out different accents and change my voice as the characters do and we giggle and talk about the illustrations. At five-and-a-half, Lucas is starting to read now and hearing him read to his little sister, Lola fills my heart with so much joy.

We especially love new books and new titles find their way into our house several times a month thanks to three different libraries we frequent and a mom who has way to much access to Amazon Prime!

To receive a book in the mail is quite the thrill. Brand new and/or new to us books must be read right away!

Since its arrival, This House Needs A Mouse by C. Jeffrey Nunnally has been enjoyed many, many times.

This delightful book follows a mouse on a mission to find a house and escape the pet store he’s confined to and through a stroke of good timing, quick thinking and a family that needs a mouse to help with all the crumbs in their house, the mouse finds himself full of purpose and happy.

Soon the poor mouse’s life is turned upside-down by an unfortunate chain of events involving traps, rat poison and one unmotivated cat, but this seemingly ordinary mouse comes to grips with his new situation and his true purpose in life.

Lucas loves the repetitive language, rhyming and darling illustrations by Tamara Z. Brink. Every time we read it together he points out something different about the three families featured in the story and always giggles at the surprise ending. I love the underlining lesson that even ordinary things and people (and pets) can be extraordinary!

Lucas posing with his goldfish, Chocolate and his favorite page of This Mouse Needs A House.

Treat a child you love to a copy of this adorable book and I promise it will soon be a favorite for you too.

This House Needs A Mouse is available now on the book’s website, Amazon, Barnes & Noble, and Big Tent Books. You can also find This House Needs A Mouse on Facebook and tweet with the author, C. Jeffrey Nunnally on Twitter.

Disclaimer: I received a copy of This House Needs A Mouse to assist in my review. No other compensation was received. All opinions expressed are my own.

The City By The Bay: Thanksgiving 2014

Posted on December 2, 2014 Written by Tonya

At least six months ago we started talking about our Thanksgiving plans. Typically we take a big trip. A week long somewhere far from home, somewhere that requires jackets and gloves, hats and boots and reservations for our Thanksgiving meal.

Lucas spent his first Thanksgiving in Florence, Italy! Two years ago we went to Vancouver.

Last year we moved the week of Thanksgiving so this year felt like a “make-up” of sorts. We renewed Lucas’s passport, applied for one for Lola and started daydreaming.

I don’t if we got too busy or couldn’t quite agree on a destination, but we dragged our feet until the week before and then with what felt like out of our budget and limited options we decided to stay local-ish. We drove to San Francsico!

Todd grew up and went to college in the Bay Area and knows the city well and I fell in love with San Francisco on my first visit some 18 years ago and it continues to dazzle us both.

We had no agenda and had the greatest time. Wednesday was my favorite day; we left our hotel at 10:00 AM, headed for Ghirardelli Square. Along the way we stopped to play at two parks, wandered through Chinatown, window shopped, found a darling card and gift store called Lola, where we had to pose for photos, watched Lucas & Lola devour a croissant, found a man and his son catching and releasing Dungeness crabs, gazed at the beautiful Golden Gate Bridge, enjoyed ice cream and took a sunset cable car ride back to our hotel nearly seven hours later.

But then again, Thursday was pretty spectacular too! I took Lucas ice skating for the first time at Union Square and he was amazing. My sister-in-law and two nieces, who live in the East Bay joined us. Apprehensive at first myself, as I hadn’t been on skates in a very long time, I was most worried about Lucas. He fell a lot but he was so determined and never once whined or utter the words, “I can’t do it.”. I am so proud of him and he, of course can’t wait to do it again! We both had permagrins for the 90 minutes we were on the ice and as long as we stopped to say hello before circling the rink again, Lola and Daddy enjoyed watching us from the sidelines.

Friday, we walked half-way across the Golden Gate Bridge, as little legs couldn’t make it the entire (1.7 miles one way) way and there were no parks or croissants along the route. After that, my in-laws, who also live in the East Bay came into the city for lunch and we watched the Christmas decorations go up in our hotel lobby.

There was more exploring, a shopping spree at NikeTown, some not so great restaurant recommendations and I’ll spare you the details and frustrations of our horrific road trip there and home with a certain rear-facing little person who hates being in the car.

It was wonderful to get away, especially to a favorite city and as a family. I hope you and yours had a lovely holiday too.

One Year Ago

Posted on November 20, 2014 Written by Tonya

It was the week of Thanksgiving.

I was 30 weeks pregnant.

We were surrounded by boxes. So many boxes!

We were beyond grateful to bid farewell to the small apartment we had lived in for nine months.

Our search for a new home had finally come to an end.

A year ago, as we fell into bed exhausted we listened to the sounds we are now accustomed to coming from our house and neighborhood and dreamed of filling cupboards and closets, covering the walls with our favorite art and photographs, furnishing a nursery and making family memories.

My belly was big and round and my back ached but I was happy. I was anxious to be settled, decorate for the holidays and mail our Christmas cards, which included our new address.

I can’t believe we have been in this house for a year. It seems so much smaller now and there are things we still want to (and need to) do. I guess that happens once you grow comfortable in your space.

In many ways our lives are the same as they were a year ago, but in the best ways, they have changed.

Yes, we really do have a white picket fence.

Family Tree

Posted on November 18, 2014 Written by Tonya

Just like I knew they would, my eyes fill with tears as I tell Lucas the photos we are carefully pasting to the page are the last ones taken of my parents. It was my wedding day, seven years ago.

I thought we’d have a couple more years before Lucas had a Family Tree project.

It’s basic, immediate family only, no research required and a few fun questions about our family including, who is the oldest member of our family and who has the longest eyelashes.

I’m worried.

Lucas has been known to tell complete strangers that my parents are dead. Just like that, he’ll blurt out to anyone who’ll listen, “My mom’s parents are dead.” It was shocking the first couple of times but, I expect it now. I’m ready when the cashier at the supermarket looks at me with a blank stare on her face unsure what to say next. “It’s okay.” I say. Of course, it’s anything but okay, but she doesn’t want to hear a sob story and I’m just trying to buy dinner.

Death is a regular topic in our home. I have shared here before the many conversations we have had as a family, the questions my five-year-old so inquisitively asks and the delicate way in which we attempt to ease his precious heart and mind by responding the best way we know how, with the truth.

For us, it is normal. I realize this is not the case in other homes and assume most of his classmates have two sets of living grandparents, maybe more.

Lucas only has one set of grandparents and they are kind and loving and a very big part of our lives. I am grateful for them every day.

I could argue that my parents are a big part of our lives too, as they come up in regular conversation, there are lots of photos of them in our house and many stories and memories to share. But are my parents no longer my children’s grandparents because they are not here physically or because they never had the chance to meet my children? We refer to them as Grandma and Grandpa Adams. In my mind that’s what they are. Right? I don’t have the answers. All I know is, their lives were cut short and were they here, they’d love Lucas and Lola to pieces.

I’m not worried about what Lucas will say when it is his turn to present his family to his class, he’ll no doubt share what details he knows, however, I am concerned about how the other children may respond.

I gave Lucas’s teacher a head’s up and she was grateful and reassured me that no two families are alike and that she would create a sensitive environment for whatever the children what to discuss.

Timing My Online Life

Posted on October 29, 2014 Written by Tonya

My friend Elaine of The Miss Elaine-ous Life recently posed the question: how many hours do you think you spend online each day? My response was as follows:

Hard for me to say, a good solid two hours every night after the kids go to bed and periodically throughout the day… Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, games, etc. All on my iPhone. Maybe five hours total?

When I read blogs or write or comment, it’s usually on my laptop and nowadays that is maybe five hours per week, if I’m lucky.

Just this week for the first time Lucas asked me point blank, “Mom, why are you on your phone all the time?” That stopped me in my tracks.

I was completely guessing and in all honesty really had no idea but felt it was too much.

I don’t work so I’m not in front of a computer all day and can’t seem to find the time to write very much anymore, but my phone is always within reach, on silent so I won’t react every time it makes a sound. I hate those people who hear a message alert that is not even their own and they grab their phone anyway.

I thought it would be interesting to time myself daily for one week to see exactly how much time I actually do ~~waste~~ spend on my phone and I’m shocked at the results.

Happily shocked.

From Saturday, October 11 – Tuesday, October 21 each and every single time I used my phone or laptop, I started a stopwatch and at the end of the day, just before I fell asleep, I stopped it and captured a photo. Here are the results for nine days:

I timed everything I did: looking up directions, composing texts, phone calls, searching Google, reading blogs, reading and responding to e-mails, posting to Facebook, Instagram and Twitter, taking photos, editing photos, creating notes, listening to podcasts while walking, playing games, EVERYTHING! On average I spend just over three hours on my phone per day.

Incidentally, there is a smartphone usage tracking app (of course) called Moment ($4.99 on the App Store) and the creator, Kevin Holesh designed it for the exact reasons I wanted the data. “Since it’s so difficult to convince ourselves to leave our smartphones alone, Holesh said he wants people to at least find a balance of “connected and disconnected” that’s right for them.

So often make excuses for the reasons we are online and the time it takes us away from our family and friends and what’s really important and all that time can really add up.

My goal was to track my usage for one week but I ended up doing it for 11 days because it was easy and I found it so interesting. It turns out that scrolling through my Facebook feed, posting a cute pic of my kids or playing my turn in Words With Friends doesn’t take nearly as long as I thought it did.

I wonder if my usage was reduced because I was aware of the experiment. I noticed I didn’t comment as much on Facebook, read as many articles or view as many YouTube videos.

The majority of phone time was late at night when I didn’t have anyone to attend to, when I should have been reading or writing (!) or talking to my husband, however, he is a lights out at 10 o’clock kind of person and I stay up until midnight almost every night. After we caught up and watched a show or two on TV, I turned to my phone. Perhaps I’d get a more restful sleep if I put my phone down.

I also timed my laptop usage, although during the 11 days I only used it once and for roughly an hour.

If you have ever wondered about your phone usage, I encourage you to try this challenge and please share your results. And relax, it’s probably not as much as you think!

A Good Cry

Posted on July 17, 2014 Written by Tonya

Have you ever had one of those days (or weeks) when nothing is really wrong yet nothing is really right?

It’s hard to describe.

You continue to go through the motions and you’re content and things throughout the day make you smile, but there’s still a pit in your stomach, a lump in your throat.

You feel… off.

You have a lot on your mind and it’s weighing heavy on your heart. The words aren’t there, just the feelings and your thoughts range from everything will be okay to it’s so awful.

Maybe it’s a lack of sleep or an overwhelming to do list, feeling misunderstood and under appreciated, a devastating news story you read about, a child that refuses to stay little, a friend that has disappointed you forcing you to see them in a whole new light, being the recipient of a kind and generous gesture, worried about another friend’s health prognosis and overall well being, learning that a family member has died, a combination of all of the above.

Whatever it is, you’re on the verge of tears.

Stress eating and a shopping spree don’t help, nor does wine or a long walk. That’s when you know it’s really bad.

Suddenly and mercifully, when you least expect it, you let it go.

All of it.

Unprompted by a song on the radio or a Kleenex commercial on TV, you cry.

A good cry.

A healing cry.

Release.

Clarity.

When was the last time you had a good cry?

Love

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