gratitude

One Tear

Posted on November 1, 2011 Written by Tonya

If you’re looking for a great mommy juice er… I mean, Cabernet, Merlot, Shiraz, or Chardonnay, Rachel is your gal. Her wine column on Momtastic is awesome!

Rachel also has her own blog, Mommy Needs a Vacation and I am happy to have her (straight off a Hawaiian vacation) as my Letters For You guest today with a beautiful and heartfelt letter to her father.

Dear Dad,

Tuesday, August 24, 2010 was one of the longest days of my life. Not only did it involve a long plane flight, it involved the most worry I had endured in my life. You had been lying in an ICU hospital bed for ten days and were now on life support. Your body invaded with infection; MRSA infection, in your lungs, in your spine. We still did not know if it was in your heart. The flight was a long one.

I stepped off the airplane in Hawaii and was immediately overcome with the hot, sticky air. Yet, I was cold, with a shiver that I could not shake. On the way from the airport to the hospital, my younger brother John explained your condition to me in more detail. He told me about the machines, the beeps, and the tubes. I had experience visiting a loved one in the ICU before when Sadie was born, but I knew this time would be different.

As I made my way through the hospital, I tried to hold my head up, stay strong and most of all, keep my emotions at bay for Mom. I was there to see you and be by your side, but was also there to support her, be her sounding board, be a shoulder for her to cry on.

Once inside the ICU, the coolness, the sounds, and the smells were almost too much for me to withstand. I passed room after room of extremely sick people and wondered what you were going to look like. More importantly, I was worried that you would not know that I was there.

I worried that I was too late.

As I entered your ICU room, the sight of you took my breath away. Lying there, helpless with IV’s, tubes and the giant breathing tube down your throat. Even though John told me it was important to approach and talk to you normally, I still hesitated.

I worried that you would never know I was there.

I worried that you wouldn’t make it.

I worried that I wouldn’t be strong enough.

I approached your bed, took your swollen hand and squeezed it tightly. John opened your eyes and told you that I was there and just for a small moment, you focused on me. You then quickly slipped back into your slumber, but not before a single tear left your eye and ran down your cheek.

It was in that one tear that I knew I was not too late.

It was in that one tear that I felt the hope grow inside of me.

It was in that one tear that I knew you would be okay.

As I sat across the table from you just this past week while visiting you in Hawaii, I couldn’t help but think about the last time I had seen you there. This time was much different. I got to enjoy your company, hug you, drink fabulous wine with you and watch you be a grandfather to my children.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for fighting for your life. Thank you for being my dad.

I love you,
Rachel

Making Wishes

Posted on October 29, 2011 Written by Tonya

Star light, star bright
First star I see tonight
I wish I may, I wish I might
Have the wish I wish tonight.

Have you ever…

moved the clasp on your necklace around to the back of your neck?

found a four-leaf clover?

had a ladybug land on you?

thrown a coin into a fountain?

silently wished on a shooting stars?

blown out the candles on your birthday cake?

found a penny, picked it up and hoped to all day long have good luck?

closed your eyes, counted to three and pulled a part a wish bone?

blown an eye lash from your finger tip?

bought a special necklace made of string and waited patiently for the string to break?

hoped for the last pour from a wine bottle?

prayed to a higher power?

made deals with God?

meditated?

visualized a positive outcome?

Have you ever had a dream in your heart or wished for something special? Something big and wonderful.

Have you ever wanted something so much that you thought you might go crazy?

Sure you have, we all have.

But, did your wish come true?

How long did it take? The waiting is always the hardest part.

How many sleepless nights did you have to endure? How many tears did you shed? How long did you hold your breath, keep your fingers crossed, or on to your secret?

Wishes keep faith and hope alive, so as long as the clock strikes 11:11, I will continue wishing for my heart’s desire.

Of course, when I pause and take a look at my life, I realize my greatest wish may have already come true.

Dear Grandma Honey

Posted on October 18, 2011 Written by Tonya

I’m honored to have Monique, better known on Twitter as SurferWife here today with a tender letter to her dearly departed Grandma Honey.

After reading this, be sure to visit Monique’s blog, A Day in the Life of a Surferwife and search for “celebrity encounter”. You’ll be glad you did!

Dear Grandma Honey,

Just those first three words up above create a pit in my stomach and a clenching in my throat. How do I even begin to express my gratitude and appreciation for all that you have brought to my life?

Even though you were ALuckyDame of A Beautiful Mess and also my husband’s maternal grandmother, you were still my grandma, too, in all aspects of the name. Considering I met and started loving you when I was a mere 12 years old, gives us more time spent together than I ever had with either of my own biological grandmothers, that both passed when I was a teen.

Your cute, fluffy little white hair, high pitched, little grandma voice, your happy smile and warm eyes were all crucial pieces in you becoming everybody’s adopted Grandma Honey.

From the day I met you and Grandpa Bud, more than 22 years ago, I felt an instant connection. I always felt like you genuinely cared about me and my well being. When I went off to college, I eagerly awaited your cute handmade and hand stamped holiday cards. At any family gathering, I could count on you sitting me down and asking me about every element of my life. Your many questions about what I was eating and why I was so skinny, if there were any suitable boys to date, and if I did my homework always left me with a smile on my face and a giggle in my heart.

When I came home nine years ago with my sweet baby boy Jason, you showered him with gifts and welcomed him into your life with open arms. That alone meant more than the world to me and I hope you knew that, Grandma.

And then when your beloved grandson and I announced to the world that we were an item a couple years later, you and Grandpa Bud gave your blessing and told me what a perfect match we were, and why didn’t we figure this out years before when we were kids?

We celebrated the birth of your first great-grandchild, my daughter, on the day you buried your husband. It was an honor to be such a crucial component on a day that encompassed the circle of life for you. I could see the love and admiration in your eyes every time Haley reached a milestone. Just pure and unconditional love between a grandmother and her great-granddaughter.

Our time we spent together these past six years, when I legitimately became your granddaughter through marriage, is invaluable to me. Our long chats over McDonald’s ice cream, nutty bars and many lunch outings always left me so satiated and grateful to have a grandma that was loved by so many. The bond we shared will leave an eternal smile and place in my soul.

My heart hurts terribly knowing our conversation full of giggles and gossip have come to an end on this earth. But I hold tightly to the notion that we will do it again in another universe, Grandma. Thank you for loving me the way you did. I feel like the luckiest granddaughter-in-law ever for it.

Delphine Long - September 26, 1919 - September 18, 2011

Dear Bear’s OT Girls

Posted on September 27, 2011 Written by Tonya

There is truly nothing more endearing than having others fall completely in love with your children and treat them with as much love, compassion and respect as you do.

The lovely Shell of Things I Can’t Say is here today sharing a poignant letter of gratitude to her son’s Occupational Therapists.

Dear Bear’s OT girls (aka his Occupational Therapists),

Thank you.

You have no idea what it means to have my son excited about coming to see you. He calls Occupational Therapy “my play place.”

You make it fun for him. You help him. And you all love him.

My Bear has the sweetest heart. He really does. But, often, others don’t see it. They see his struggles. They see the things he does that are “bad.” They see him as a difficult child.

But, you don’t.

You greet him with a big smile.

You thank him for being such a good helper when he reassures a crying child in the waiting room that “Don’t worry, this is so much fun. Don’t cry. Go have fun with the girls.”

You give him choices and laugh right along with him when he squeals with joy.

You let him sit in your lap and stroke your hair. He loves playing with hair. It’s soothed him since he was a baby. And you never pull away from his touch.

You run your fingers through his hair and rub his back and make him feel safe.

You understand when he has a rough moment and never scold. You gently pull him back to what he should be doing.

You encourage him and make him feel like he’s doing a great job.

You never get frustrated with him.

When I share the struggles he has been having, you nod knowingly, letting me know that what he is going through is completely normal and that you have strategies to help.

You give me hope that things won’t always be so freaking hard.

You don’t judge him or me for what he is going through. You only focus on what can be done to help. That kind of acceptance brings tears to my eyes.

I wish I could scoop one of you up and have you spend the day with Bear at school. I wonder how differently his day would go if he had such encouragement and individual attention all day long.

But, we have to share you with the other kids who need you.

I’m sure there are days when you are tired or deal with kids who give you a hard time, but you don’t let it show.

I’m just glad that you are there for Bear, to help him at his “play place.” I understand that this is your job and you could say that you are only doing your job. But, I know differently. I know that you don’t have to care so much.

That caring? Is making all the difference in the world to my Bear.

For that, I cannot thank you enough.

Sincerely,

Bear’s Mommy

Time Heals All Wounds

Posted on July 19, 2010 Written by Tonya

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book. – Irish proverb

I haven’t posted in a few days. I have a lot to say, a lot is floating around this brain of mine, but the only thing on my mind is the fact that I’m not pregnant anymore. I couldn’t even get my Friday Flip Offs together, and I live for that!!

Last week went from bad to worse. I will spare you all the details, but it ended last night with a visit to the ER.

I’m on the mend, but sad.

I know it is completely normal for me to feel this way and I know it will pass, but my mind is a litany of negative thoughts and I can’t seem to shake them.

I’m trying to carry on as usual, but it’s easier said than done.

I’m trying to carry on as usual, because I have a 13 month old and he needs me as much as I need him.

Unfortunately, Lucas’ dad had to be out of town for a few days last week, so my sister was here and helped out immensely. She knows me well and is great with Lucas. I don’t know what we would have done without her.

Like most people, when trying to feel better emotionally, I turn to retail therapy, drowning my sorrows in Cabernet, pouring my heart out in my journal or blog, or watching too much bad TV, but sleep has always been my favorite way to escape.

None of it really helps, but crawling under the covers and disappearing for a while is a good place to start.

My son’s smile is another brilliant light at the end of this dark tunnel and lastly, there’s time…. time to heal, time to mourn and eventually time to try again.

Thank you for all of the support, good thoughts and virtual hugs last week and for commenting on my post Miscarried. As usual, I put myself out there in a very real and honest way and the feedback was sincere and heartfelt.

The best is yet to be.

One Tear

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Dear Grandma Honey

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