a mother’s guilt

Cravings

Posted on August 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

Since I was 17, I’ve lived in a perpetual state of missing someone or something.

Topping my list has always has been my parents.

At 17, I went to boarding school for my senior year of high school and never lived under the same roof as them again. I missed them (and my sister) tremendously, but relished in “being on my own” for the first time.

After high school, there was college and still many miles between me and my family. We would spend time together during the holidays and throughout the summer, but I never had enough time with them.

My parents died in 2007 and I think about them and wish they were here every single day. I doubt that longing will never go away.

I missed school after I graduated. Both high school and college. I enjoyed school. I was good at it, especially the social aspect. Go figure!

Even though she’s only an hour away, I miss my sister.

I miss friends that I wish lived next door, in particular my oldest and dearest, friend Sophie.

Lucas met Sophie in New Caledonia in April, 2010.

Since becoming a mother, my desires are simpler, in no particular order here’s what’s missing from my life these days:

1. Sleep. In particular, sleeping in.

2. Grab and gos. The ability to go anywhere without a huge production, whether that means, packing snacks, diapers, struggling to put on someone’s shoes or booking a sitter. I miss the days of just grabbing my purse and going.

3. Living guilt free. I’ve learned guilt comes with the mom territory in many forms and there is no escape…. am I spending enough time with him, is he watching too much TV, am I exposing him to the right activities for his age, how can I get more vegetables into his diet, etc., etc., etc.?

4. Watching TV. Whatever I want, whenever I want.

5. My own name. All I hear any more is “Mommy!”. And “no!”.

6. Did I mention sleep?

7. The sounds of silence. See #5.

8. Yoga. I am going to get back to a regular practice if it kills me. I joined a yoga studio four months ago and have only taken two classes.

9. Going to the bathroom. Alone.

10. Dinner. Easting at home is rushed, eating out is rushed. I miss long, leisurely dinners that were several courses long and lasted longer than an hour.

This post was inspired by Stasha’s Monday Listicles, a linky right up my alley! This week’s topic is 10 I Miss.

Be Still My Heart

Posted on August 10, 2011 Written by Tonya

With his fingers firmly pressed into the back of my arm, Todd urged me to move toward the exit. “Say goodbye and let’s go,” he said forcefully.

He was right.

“Bye, Lucas. Mommy loves you and I’ll be back to get you very soon.”

“Bye, Mommy,” was all I got in return as he scurried around the playground.

Don’t linger, I kept repeating in my head all morning. Don’t make it hard on him. Wait until you get back to the car to cry.

And cry I did.

For him.

For us.

But mostly, for me.

My little boy is in school!

I kept my phone close to me on vibrate and with the ringer turned up to the maximum volume for the three hours we were apart, fully expecting a call from the school begging me to come pick up my son because he missed me so much.

Alas, the phone didn’t ring.

Not once.

When I arrived 15 minutes before I was due, I saw my little boy sitting contently in the lap of the teacher’s aid. Feelings of guilt, relief, surprise and happiness washed over me.

He was fine.

He did it!

We both did.

We made through Day 1.

As soon as he saw me, his eyes lit up like a Christmas tree and he rushed over to me, careful not to step on any of the napping bodies that covered the floor. And then all I felt was grateful. Grateful that I was able to bring him home and not have to keep him there the rest of the day like so many other working mothers have to. What a sight for sore eyes.

I know I kissed and hugged him a little more than usual that day, so proud of him. So full of love.

I missed Day 2 because I was at BlogHer, but I heard Lucas did equally as well.

This week has been a bit harder and there have been some tears, requests for Mommy and his lovey, which his teacher says is normal for week 2. Today he asked if he could take his lovey tomorrow “…to have in his cubby”, just in case. I think that can be arranged.

We are all getting used to a new schedule, time apart and having a student in the house. One thing I won’t have any trouble getting used to are the art projects my little buddy hands me with so much pride in his eyes.

Ah, be still my heart:

Lucas' first piece of school artwork.

This Is Just The Beginning…

Posted on July 21, 2011 Written by Tonya

In less than two weeks Lucas will be attending preschool. It’s crazy, I know! How did he get to be such a big boy? I feel like we just brought him home from the hospital, swaddled him and were protecting his head, but like it or not, here we are getting ready for his first day of school.

I am really excited for all the new things Lucas is going experience and learn, expert direction he is going to receive, friends he’s going to make and fun he is going to have. I loved school and I hope he does to!

Child’s Full Name

Address

Parent’s Names

Signature

I just read, filled in the blanks and signed more than a dozen pieces of paper with my son’s new school’s insignia prominently placed at the top of each page.

Physician’s Name

Known Allergies

Diet Pattern

Signature

While easy to answer these questions about my son, his habits and his health, each one made me a little sadder than the last. He’s only two.

In Case of an Emergency Contact

Nap Schedule

Parent’s Evaluation of Child’s Personality

Signature

So many signatures.

I feel like it’s time, I agreed it was time, but now that we are just days away, I’m second guessing myself. Are we doing the right thing by sending Lucas to preschool?

Field Trip Permission Slip

Children’s Disaster/Earthquake Kit

Permission to Photograph

Parent Handbook

For so long, it’s been me and Lucas, Monday through Saturday, 8 – 10 hours a day. Day in and day out.

Just us.

I know I’m only giving him up nine hours a week, but it feels like so much more than that. This feels like it’s just the beginning of him being pulled away from me…

…and I’m going to miss him.

SAHM

Posted on May 31, 2011 Written by Tonya

The other day, I read (and re-tweeted) two lists: 10 Things Never to Say to a Stay-at-Home Mom and 10 Things Never to Say to a Working Mom and both lists got me thinking about my SAHM role.

It’s been almost two years since I became a stay-at-home mom and honestly, I’m still getting used to it.

Sure, I have somewhat of a schedule: music class on Mondays, tumble class on Wednesdays, nanny help for a few hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays and a free-for-all Friday. No matter what, we get out of the house. For my sanity, just as much as Lucas’.

I like to say I’m a stay-at-home mom, that does anything but stay at home.

Apart from the classes, we have passes to Legoland, Disneyland and the zoo. There are also weekly visits to parks, libraries, toy stores, pet stores, book stores and Daddy’s office. When we’re not out and about, we’ve got a host of in-door activities, but if given the option, I’d rather be out! At home, there’s the Internet, TV, laundry and other chores. Plus, some days it feels like the walls are coming in on us.

If I was stuck inside all day every day, I would certainly lose my mind. So while I don’t have meetings to attend or a closet full of suits to wear anymore, I plan, I schedule, I organize, I manage, I orchestrate, I clean, I cook (sort of), I live for nap time, me time and date nights all while staying at home. Whatever that means…

Slowly but surely, I’m learning to embrace being a SAHM, but I’d be lying if I said that didn’t spend a lot of time day dreaming about returning to work full time.

On one hand, I can’t imagine having anyone else spend as much time with Lucas as I get to or allowing them to be such an active participate in his growth and development. I do realize how lucky I am that I am his primary care giver, but on the other hand, there are days that I would give my right arm to have a 7:30 meeting and drop him off somewhere along the way.

It’s an age-old argument, but as I see it, being a mom, stay at home or not, is hard work. No matter where you do it from.

For some, returning to work is a financial necessity and not a choice. I get that. And when I think about being a SAHM in those terms, I know I’m one of the fortunate ones.

Are you at stay-at-home mom? If so, is it by choice? Do you miss working?

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Broke Down

Posted on April 6, 2011 Written by Tonya

The moment I delivered Lucas I realized just how much my parents loved me because the love I felt for my newborn son was deeper and stronger than anything I had ever experienced before.

Fast forward 22 months and that love is still there and grows each and every day, but now I wonder, how on earth did they do it? How did my parents survive the terrible twos? I want to kill this kid.

Last week was rough on me as a mother.

Last week was a break down and cry kind of week for me.

If I thought Lucas was being difficult on Monday when we had to leave music class early because he was so fixated on seeing the fish at Sea Life Aquarium that he wouldn’t participate in class, head butted me, threw his shoes across the room and almost knocked out another child with one his three kicking and screaming episodes, I had no clue what I was in store for Tuesday through Sunday.

Let’s just say, things got progressively worse.

I broke down in tears a lot.

I haven’t done that since Lucas was a newborn and I was severely sleep deprived and my post pregnancy hormones were out of control.

Now, it’s my son that’s out of control…

It was a week full of temper tantrums, time outs, whining, crying, throwing food, mess after mess after mess, few naps, fewer smiles, abandoned plans, lots of yelling, lots of hitting (on Lucas’ part, not mine), head shaking in disgust, exhaustion and confusion, mother’s guilt beyond belief, a 90 minute phone call to a seasoned mother I trust and often turn to for advice and two very frustrated parents.

It’s like he’s reverting and I’m left wondering; what the hell happened to my sweet little boy?!

I know this is all “normal” behavior for an almost two year old and will eventually pass, but I’m at my wits end and what little patience I have is shot.

I know it’s wrong, but all I can think is:

I feed, dress and comfort this child all day every day and this is the kind of behavior I get in return?

I plan fun outings, enroll us in classes together, schedule play dates with friends, make trips to three different stores to find his favorite snacks and refill his sippy cup each time he asks for “more” and this is the kind of behavior I get in return?

I read and sing to him, wipe his nose, make sure he stays out of harms way and get down on the floor and play trains and cars with him and this is the kind of behavior I get in return?

I can’t leave the house without returning with a new toy, book or article of clothing and this is the kind of behavior I get in return?

I think about my son every waking hour, what I’m doing wrong, what I’m doing right, his well being and love him more than anything else in my life and this is the kind of behavior I get in return?

If you really knew me, you would know that motherhood has been kicking my a** lately and I’m really hoping to turn a corner soon.

How did you survive the terrible twos?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 3.) If you really knew me, you would know that…

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These Are My Confessions…

Posted on November 11, 2010 Written by Tonya

Here goes nothing… a list of all (some) of my weird, embarrassing, illegal and shameful activities. I am sure there are more where these came from, but let’s just start here.

Please don’t judge.

I steal magazines from my doctor’s office.
I let the gas in my car get dangerously low before I fuel up. We’re talking single digits.
I have had the same three Netflix movies for four months. What a waste of $68!
I color my hair and only wash it every three days.
I screen my phone calls.
I make our bed within minutes of getting up in the morning.
I miss working.
I want to rip a person’s arm off if they take food from my plate.
I listen to audio books when I walk.
I cheat at Scrabble, but rarely win.
I let Lucas watch too much TV.
I watch too much TV.
I record Oprah every day and I’ll cry when this season is over.
I have never read one single Harry Potter book, nor have I seen any of the movies.
I don’t like to eat leftovers.
I think there should be a ban on onions. I love the way they taste, but can’t stand the way they make my house smell.
I can’t get one hand wet without getting the other one wet too.
I can rarely listen to a song without singing along.
I can’t stand people that can’t show up on time.
I stole some erasers and gum from a convenience store when I was in the fifth grade and gold charms with my BFF Sophie when we were in junior high.
I use subtitles when I watch movies at home.
I drive over the speed limit and have been know to tail gate.
I’d rather send an e-mail than pick up the phone.
I once “borrowed” a scarf from a friend that I never returned.
I don’t like fish.
I still have thank you cards to send for gifts we received when Lucas was born.
I recently bought a Justin Beiber song on iTunes, of course, if you got your hands on my iPod, you’d think I was schizophrenic.
I floss my teeth (when I floss) before I brush them.

So, there you have it. Well, some of it. What dirty little secrets are your hiding?

This post is forMama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop– Prompt #2: What are your confessions? (inspired by Usher)

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Being There

Posted on November 9, 2010 Written by Tonya

One of my favorite blogs is Sherri’s Old Tweener. She is a self proclaimed “forty-something mom looking for humor in everyday life” and the way she writes is not only witty, but extremely heartfelt and very relatable.

Sherri is a loyal Letters for Lucas reader and comments on almost every one of my posts. Her words always make me feel better about myself, what I’ve shared and what I’m going through as someone who still considers herself a new mom.

If you don’t already follow Old Tweener, you should and if nothing else, please check out one of my very favorite posts, Exit Interview. It’s a superb look at the changing role of mother as our children grow up.

I am honored to have Sherri guest posting for me today on what she wish she had known when she first became a mother. Thank you and cheers, Sherri!

Reading Letters for Lucas always takes me back to those early mommyhood days, and I love how much heart and honesty Tonya puts into her writing. I was so happy when she asked me to do a guest post! I tried to imagine what advice I would give her, as an old mommy to a newer one, if we sat down for a virtual glass of wine.
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When my son was first born and I was wading thigh-high in the overwhelming details of new motherhood, there were some things I thought were so important. Things that if done properly, would ensure that my little guy would be the perfect child.

You know which child I am talking about. They are usually seen only in tear-jerking movies or in commercials for diapers or baby food. They smile on cue, are early readers, easy potty-trainers, sleep through the night from the start, and never drool or blow out a diaper.

Now I know that child doesn’t exist. What a relief.

I wish someone had told me that sooner, rather than me having to spend the better part of 16 years to come to that astonishing conclusion. That some of the things that seem so important when you have small children really don’t matter. Things like:

Developmental Milestones

There, I said it.

Did you know that some of these milestones have huge windows during which they can happen? I didn’t. And I spent a lot of time observing my kid, other kids, reading mommy books, and making lists.

Get a bunch of infant/toddler/preschool moms together and the topics turn rather quickly to milestones. Has yours rolled over? Crawled? Babbled? Got teeth yet? Used a straw? Written his name? Dressed himself? Learned Morse code? And so on.

And for the most part, kids find their own way of doing things; maybe not even in the “right” order. Unless it really seems like something to consult your pediatrician over, it seems like a lot of these can just be things to let go.

My son never did a “true” crawl; his style was more of a butt-scoot with crazy legs and arms propelling him all around the house. He went on to actually walk, ride a bike, run, and develop the standard teen slump in his shoulders. Talking? I don’t think he’s ever stopped. And while he does now dress himself, I would like to see more of his clothes in the hamper than on the floor.

Academics & Preschool

As soon as the toddler phase started, along came the whole academics phase. Unfortunately, this phase is still going on at my house, and will continue as he goes off to college next fall. It starts with letters, colors, sounds, naming things, and just explodes from there.

I worried about selecting the best books from the library, reading him Dr. Seuss and Shel Silverstein, teaching him all the right names for the dinosaurs, and sending him to the right preschool. Did it matter in the end? Not really. What mattered was that I spent time talking to him, reading to him (whether it was Sports Illustrated, Garfield comics, or Dr. Seuss), being involved, and answering his questions. So many questions. And now that he’s a teenager, the preschool he attended doesn’t matter at all. Nor does the fact that I actually pulled him out of preschool the spring before he went to kindergarten because I decided he didn’t need it. And he was fine.

Stuff

We all want the best for our kids, and at no time does that ring truer than when we buy them stuff. I really, really wanted the right stuff for my son…whether it was the Little Tikes car he could drive, the adorable playhouse, or the dinosaurs he obsessed over.

And now? All that stuff is long gone or crammed into boxes in the attic (if I can’t bear to part with it just yet). I think what really mattered wasn’t so much that he had the latest and greatest toys when he was little, but just that he had things to spark his imagination.

Some of our best times were spent with sand buckets at the park or in the kitchen with utensils, pots, and pans doing a pre-Wii version of Rock Band. Sometimes I filled the sink with water, pulled up a step stool, and let him have at it. Food coloring in the water made it an instant ocean for his dinosaurs; bubbles made it a volcano; ice cubes were perfect for the polar bears.

Don’t get me wrong; I still bought him way too many things when he was little. Add the fact that he was the first grandchild/nephew on both sides, and he got lots of loot. And we had fun with it.

But looking back now, so much of it was overkill and unnecessary.

If I could go back and do the infant/toddler years again, I would:

Leave the dishes in the sink now and then. They aren’t changing, but the kids sure are.
Make a mess more often. Mud washes out, water dries, and paint fades. Memories don’t.
Cuddle on the couch when they want to. Because they won’t always want to.
Break the rules more often, just because it’s fun.
Be more spontaneous. I worried so much about my son’s schedule that we may have missed out on some fun things. Not anymore.
Remind myself that the days may seem long, but the years are short.
Laugh with them more. Even if I don’t think it’s that funny. Because it’s good medicine.

They fly through those younger years on jet-packs it seems, so put your helmet on and just be there. Because really? That’s all those little ones really need.

Shaping Your Future

Posted on January 30, 2010 Written by Tonya

Lucas has been diagnosed with in utero left sided plagiocephaly (significant flattening and asymmetry of the back of the head and face and ear misalignment) and we have been seeing a physical therapist for his torticollis (a condition in which the head is tilted toward one side, and the chin is elevated and turned toward the opposite side) for three months.

The good news is that plagiocephaly and torticollis are not life threatening and are easily treated.

Yesterday, we were told Lucas is a candidate for the DOC Band, a lightweight 6-oz helmet, that works by applying mild holding pressure and redirecting growth to less prominent areas. The band must be worn for 23 hours a day, only removing for bathing and dressing for up to four months.

The use of DOC Band is NOT a cosmetic fix, it is a restorative fix designed to bring the infant’s head back to its normal head shape and balance the asymmetry.

I am devastated.

I don’t want my baby to wear this device.

I think my son is perfect exactly the way he is.

I don’t want strangers to stare at him in the band. I don’t want to hear their comments or questions and I certainly do not want to respond to them.

I am angry that my OBGYN and ultrasound technicians didn’t see in the umpteen ultrasounds I had done that my baby was crunched up in my womb. We could have possibly repositioned him.

I am vain.

I am also a mother who wants the very best for my child. A misshapen head can lead to vision problems, ear infections, headaches and speech disorders. Not to mention the psychological impact of society’s often cruel view of deformity.

This is going to be a difficult four months for me, but Lucas will never remember it and in the long run will probably thank us for making this decision.

The best is yet to be and you’re welcome, my love.

Be Still My Heart

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