friends

In A Nutshell

Posted on August 27, 2014 Written by Tonya

Lucas and I had a blast in Chicago and I will share more about our first annual mother/son trip, including photos soon, but first I want to acknowledge my FIVE year blogiversary! Just under the wire, I might add as it’s almost midnight on the West Coast.

I posted the following photo on my Facebook fan page because I didn’t think I would be able to write a post and wanted to recognize this day in some way and I received a comment with the exact message that I needed to read today.

The note is from a new friend and Letters For Lucas reader, Darya and says:

The first words I ever said to you was at the GLOLunch and I told you how happy and relieved I was to have you ask the question regarding time to blog posts vs your new life–what to do? I may be new to blogging, but I am kinda old to mothering and woman-ing, and I can promise you that the blog will wait, your babies will not. Keep on keeping on, Momma and we will all be here when life circles back around. Congratulations! And when it comes to blogging, you are already at the place where I want to be.

Thank you, Darya. Thank you for your wise words and understanding.

The last couple of months have been both challenging and busy with summer camps, karate, swim lessons, play dates, trips, concerts, a traveling husband and a lot of laundry! At one point today I looked at my coffee table and captured this shot:

My life in a nutshell.

This is my life in a nutshell these days… A dirty diaper, a bottle, a fearless and delicious baby, Lego, struggles over activity books vs. screen time, endless rounds of Connect 4 and Spot It, which if you aren’t playing with your 5-10 year old, you should be, remnants of snacks and counting down to Kindergarten!

The only thing missing from this photo besides my best buddy Lucas of course, is my daily intake of caffeine. In a moment of mothering weakness, I called my husband at work and asked for help. I needed some relief, so a few hours later, he rescheduled a meeting, came home early and took Lucas skateboarding.

This is motherhood.

This is mothering.

This leaves little time for blogging.

And I’m okay with that.

Here’s to five years, but more than that, here’s to mothering!

BlogHer 2014 Recap

Posted on August 6, 2014 Written by Tonya

It’s hard to put into words a lot of things but I’m finding it especially difficult to describe my feelings post BlogHer 2014.

It’s been over a week since I returned from San Jose and my second BlogHer conference and I’ve gone through a roller coaster of emotions.

I was on a high as soon as I got home, buzzing with ideas and inspiration and then re-entry was rough and I jumped in head first, back to my normal routine. I posted a couple of things just because but felt my writing fell flat and not up to par and I certainly didn’t use any of the tips I had just learned in either of the two Writing Labs I attended. Then I felt depressed because I missed my blogging buddies and now I know if I don’t gather my thoughts, I never will or I’ll forget.

This year’s event felt a lot smaller, which was a very good thing and I didn’t put any pressure on myself to rush from event to event. I also wore flats which was a huge relief to my feet.

This time around I felt like I belonged and not like such a fish out of water. I didn’t spend much time on the exhibit floor and didn’t bring home a lot of ~~junk~~ swag.

The best part for me was seeing old friends and meeting women I had already come to know and love and I did learn a few things about writing and editing and the future of personal blogging, which I hope to implement.

I sat in awe as I listened to blogging royalty, Jenny Lawson and Alexandra Rosas and real celebrities, Kerry Washington, Tig Notaro and Arianna Huffington. And talk about a roller coaster ride of emotions, this year’s Voices and Photos of the Year had me giggling, laughing out loud and dabbing tears from my eyes.

I didn’t want to write just another highlight post or flower it with photos (because I didn’t take that many) and share soundbites from what was an incredible weekend.

I’d rather convey to you the importance of support and friends and laughter. I laughed a lot! I had fun and was once again reminded that we each have a story to tell, an inspiring, magical, perhaps heartbreaking story within us.

I will share one photo… my favorite from the weekend. I love these women so!

BlogHer 2014

Posted on July 23, 2014 Written by Tonya

Three years ago when I attended my first BlogHer conference in San Diego, I was so nervous but looking forward to learning all that I could about blogging and how to be a better blogger. Back then I considered myself just another mommy blogger.

I carefully planned the sessions I wanted to attend and my daily and evening outfits, complete with accessories and shoes, made sure I was a “plus one” or personally invited to all the “right” parties and walked the exhibit floor handing out my blog cards to everyone I met. I had high expectations and was out to impress. Don’t get me wrong, I was still me, but I felt as though I had to prove that I belonged.

It was fun and I did learn a little but I mostly enjoyed meeting other bloggers, women who I had come to know so well through the generous words they shared on their own blogs and through other social media outlets.

Tomorrow morning bright and early, I will be traveling to San Jose, where I will attend this year’s BlogHer 10th anniversary conference.This time around I consider myself more than just another blogger, I am a writer. I have a voice and a story and believe I have made a (albeit miniscule) difference by sharing my grief and infertility struggles, my words and myself.

My expectations for this year’s conference are much lower than they were in 2011 and I have very few plans. I hope to learn more about this community I belong to and love so much and will attend a couple of sessions on writing and the future of blogging, but what I am most excited about is seeing old friends, making new ones and gaining a renewed dedication to my space.

I have shared before how I feel I have neglected Letters For Lucas over the last couple of years and I’m in dire need of a resurge. I think this is just the ticket!

That taxi is going to be here in 12 short hours so I suppose I better start packing!

Are you going to BlogHer this year? If so, please look for me!

A Good Cry

Posted on July 17, 2014 Written by Tonya

Have you ever had one of those days (or weeks) when nothing is really wrong yet nothing is really right?

It’s hard to describe.

You continue to go through the motions and you’re content and things throughout the day make you smile, but there’s still a pit in your stomach, a lump in your throat.

You feel… off.

You have a lot on your mind and it’s weighing heavy on your heart. The words aren’t there, just the feelings and your thoughts range from everything will be okay to it’s so awful.

Maybe it’s a lack of sleep or an overwhelming to do list, feeling misunderstood and under appreciated, a devastating news story you read about, a child that refuses to stay little, a friend that has disappointed you forcing you to see them in a whole new light, being the recipient of a kind and generous gesture, worried about another friend’s health prognosis and overall well being, learning that a family member has died, a combination of all of the above.

Whatever it is, you’re on the verge of tears.

Stress eating and a shopping spree don’t help, nor does wine or a long walk. That’s when you know it’s really bad.

Suddenly and mercifully, when you least expect it, you let it go.

All of it.

Unprompted by a song on the radio or a Kleenex commercial on TV, you cry.

A good cry.

A healing cry.

Release.

Clarity.

When was the last time you had a good cry?

Tracy’s Story: Say No To NuvaRing

Posted on July 9, 2014 Written by Tonya

My sister Leah met Tracy the Fall of 2002 when they were both Freshman at the University of Arizona. They have been best friends ever since.

I have had the pleasure of spending a little time with Tracy over the years and have always enjoyed her company. She is witty and smart and has been a good friend to Leah.

Tracy was particularly instrumental to Leah’s grieving process when we lost our parents in 2007 and was there for her the night we found out they had died. Tracy was there for my sister when I could not be. I will always be grateful to her for that.

Last summer, Tracy who lives in New York was visiting my sister in LA.

One night the three of us went to dinner and to see Beyoncé in concert. We had a great time and as always it was fun to witness the banter that only two good friends can share. That was a Friday. Two days later, at 29 years old, Tracy suffered a stroke.

Last week she shared the following on her Facebook wall and with her permission I am sharing it here:

One year ago today, 3 weeks past my 29th birthday, I had a stroke. It was caused by the birth control NuvaRing. Due to this event I lost a significant amount of my left peripheral vision. I’m so BLESSED to say it wasn’t worse – women died. I’m not celebrating this “anniversary”, rather I’m ready to share my story, so that it may help others.

Full disclosure – I entered the class action suit, along with 3,800 other women, against the makers of this product, Merck. The final payout Merck was responsible for was 6% of what a similar case paid out, we’re talking a few millions versus a few hundred billion. Basically a slap on the wrist for a company that is knowingly selling a dangerous product to millions of otherwise healthy women, like me.

So, I didn’t settle and here’s why:

If you had a life altering stroke at 29 years old during the height of a beautiful California vacation that ripped vision and sensation from the left side of your body, would you settle?

If you spent two days in the hospital and worried your entire family, friend and professional circle, would you settle?

If you had to correct your mom in a room full of doctors that glasses wouldn’t help because the injury wasn’t in your eyes, it’s in your brain, would you settle?

If over the last 7 years you told several doctors of your experiences with migraines, never to be taken seriously, would you settle?

If you still walk cautiously through every single intersection worrying that you may not see the motorist, bicyclist or Mac truck, would you settle?

If you secretly dread shopping because it will require you to perform exhaustive and annoyingly slow eye scanning, would you settle?

If you sometimes avoid large crowds because you worry you will bump into, trip or hurt yourself or others, would you settle?

If people still ask you “how’s your vision” and you have to tell them that it’s no better, would you settle?

If something that happened to you on one day of your life is now something you think about every day, would you settle?

If you knew officials claim the type of stroke you had doesn’t “support a casual link” to NuvaRing, but the FIRST THING the ER doctors asked you to do when they identified your stroke was to remove your NuvaRing, would you settle?

If all official medical reports point directly to NuvaRing, but the courts don’t care, would you settle?

If the after insurance amount in medical bills was more than the payout, would you settle?

If you knew that other women died because of NuvaRing, would you settle?

Please share/tell my story to one person, then it’ll be worth it.

For those of you who don’t know, NuvaRing is a birth control option for women. It is a small flexible contraceptive ring, about the size of a silver dollar. The NuvaRing contains the same hormones as many birth control pills. It is inserted manually into the vagina, where it is left for three weeks. There, a continuous, low dose of hormones is released. Then the ring is removed for one week. This is the week you have your period.

According to Tracy, many young women and their common stroke-like symptoms are being ignored. She was given an IV initially and sent home.

Tracy has zero regrets about not settling in the class action suit and is hoping that someday soon there will be enough studies that prove arterial strokes are directly linked to medications like NuvaRing, in the meantime regaining 100% visibility may never happen for her, but she is optimistic in new visual training programs offered by the School of Optometry at SUNY.

I wanted to share Tracy’s story because it’s important and because I have a tiny following here and thought I could help spread the word about the dangers of NuvaRing. I am currently shopping for new birth control and I know many of you may be as well or know someone who is. I’m begging you to take the time and do the research on ANY birth control you are considering. It could save your life.

For more information, here are two articles Tracy recommends, they are relevant and extensive on the subject of the NuvaRing case, Danger in the Ring and Parents of 24-year-old killed by NuvaRing reject their part of $100 million settlement.

Please share Tracy’s story!!

Please share this post and if you have any follow up questions for Tracy, leave them in the comments below.

Special

Posted on June 6, 2014 Written by Tonya

When you are a child, birthdays are magical and it’s important to acknowledge that and make them feel out of this world special. That has been my sole goal with my little birthday boy.

We have been preparing all week for Lucas’s birthday. Really, for the last month. From making decisions about what kind of party he wants to the guest list and menu and of course, his wish list. Plus, there’s all the behind the scenes activities like ordering cake toppers and favors from Amazon and praying that everything arrives on time!

He appeared in our bedroom doorway just after 6 o’clock this morning.

I saw the balloons in my room and on the stairs and followed them. There are presents! Can we open them?

We celebrated this morning and left him at preschool with snacks and cookies for his class (the store bought chocked full of preservatives kind, his choice!) and tonight we will go to one of his favorite restaurants for dinner. It’s either going to be Red Robin or The Old Spaghetti Factory. At Red Robin we will play I Spy and at The Old Spaghetti Factory he’ll insist on sitting in the trolley. Either place, he’ll order pasta.

He must have thanked us half a dozen times for the gifts he received this morning. I love that!

Do I sound older? Do I look older? I don’t feel older.

On Sunday there will be a party at a popular bounce house place where Lucas and 25 of his “closest” friends will take over. Pizza and cake (that I have yet to make) will be served.

Family from out of town is coming to visit and there will be more sweets and more presents and hopefully this will be a birthday celebration that Lucas will always remember. And above all, I hope he feels special and so very loved.

We marvel over our five year old!

Sip & See: Update

Posted on May 16, 2014 Written by Tonya

It was a celebration three and a half years in the making.

I bought new dresses for both of us.

There were beautiful platters of croissant sandwiches, quiche, colorful macaroons, mini cupcakes and delicious salads.

Gorgeous flowers and my favorite people filled the room.

And the champagne was free flowing!

The gifts were generous and heartfelt, especially a Dave Matthews Band-themed diaper cake, which included diapers, of course, a Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Dave Matthews Band CD, framed lyric, monkey onesie, Anti Monkey Butt diaper cream and monkey rattles (see photo below).

It was a day to celebrate; a Sip & See for Lola hosted and attended by my best friends and family.

Back in December, I wrote a post sponsored by Minted about how we had opted for a Sip & See after Lola’s arrival instead of a baby shower/sprinkle beforehand.

As promised, here’s the invitation:

Click on image for more details and ordering information.

Todd took the children home after a while and the game Cards Against Humanity came out. There was laughter and a few tears as I fumbled through a toast trying to express how much the day meant to me, but mostly there was love.

It was lovely afternoon.

Thank you, again friends and especially Leah, for getting me home safely.

Vacation

Posted on May 15, 2014 Written by Tonya

I have sipped wine at Les Deux Magots cafe in Paris, climbed a pyramid in Egypt, laid like broccoli pool side in Hawaii, marveled at the Grand Canyon, sounded like a fool using my broken Spanish in Cabo San Lucas and got caught in the freezing rain with my three year old in Vancouver.

Growing up overseas gave me the travel bug and I have always loved it! I believe wanderlust is a wonderful thing. But vacations can be different and I’ve taken many kinds of trips… there are girl’s trips, couples retreats, action-packed tourist attractions rich with history, two-fer destinations, where you get to see family and friends but also the opportunity to explore a new place, road trips, camping excursions and good old fashioned long weekends.

Who doesn’t love vacation? If we are lucky we get away a couple of times a year and it’s never enough. Vacation recharges us, makes the everyday bearable, gives us something to look forward to, get in shape for and save up for. Vacation is glorious!

13 Things I Love About Vacation (in no particular order):

1. No schedule.

2. No laundry.

3. No meal planning, grocery shopping or cooking!

4. Hotels.

5. Room service (on occasion).

6. The experience to see, do and try new things (food, culture, environment or activity).

7. Being on vacation means my family is all together and we’re bonding.

8. Getting to meet new people and possibly making lifelong friends.

9. Procuring souvenirs or small trinkets that will forever remind us of our time away.

10. Making lasting memories.

11. The opportunity to take great photographs.

12. Being out of touch for a while. I don’t know about you, but I rarely watch the news or pay attention to headlines when I’m away from home and I try to unplug too.

13. Finding inspiration to create, write, laugh, let go and just be.

Taken Labor Day weekend, 2013 – La Jolla, California

I love this passage from Wanderlust For One:

Travel is not just recreation. It is re-creation. Through travel, I come face to face with the unknown and the unfamiliar disrupts the familiar. Travel throws me off balance while helping me to find it again. It reawakens my childlike wonder and reaffirms my sense of self. Travel makes me approach my life with a fresh perspective. It deconstructs my cozy, comfortable existence and teaches me…

What do you love about vacation?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt 2.) List 13 things you love about vacation.

On Turning 30

Posted on May 11, 2014 Written by Tonya

My sister, Leah turned 30 in March (I’ve been working on this post since before then!) and that’s huge! I am happy for her and the new decade that lies ahead. Everything seems to be going really well in her life right now.

There are almost 12 years between me and my sister and it has been both a delightful and sometimes agonizing process to watch her grow into the woman she is today.

Our parents would be very proud of her and how strong our bond is as sisters.

As I wrote in Leah’s birthday card, I remember turning 30 and what a strange, sad and yet magical year it was, not to mention the nine that followed.

In some ways it seems eons ago and in others as though it were just yesterday.

I celebrated my 30th birthday with family and what I thought at the time were close friends surrounding a tepan table. I don’t remember any gifts I received that night but I distinctively remember feeling equal parts anxious and excited about the next 10 years of my life.

I talk to no one who was at that dinner today except my sister. My (at the time soon to be ex-) husband and in-laws were there and several people that are now only “Facebook friends”. The two most important guests were my parents and they died five years later during the not so magical part of my 30’s.

I was 30 when my first husband and I parted ways, I started wearing clothes that fit me because I was finally comfortable with my body, I had a job I adored at an advertising agency and I met and made friends with women that I couldn’t have imagined would become so important to me in the next decade and the one after that. I lived alone for the first (and only time) in my life and loved every minute of it!

Before I turned 31 I would meet my now husband and experience love like I had never known, but before that I would curse the time I wasted with my ex because I thought he was “The One” and my only shot at having a family. Clearly I was delusional. I also had other demons to fight and I struggled to find solid ground in the workplace and my bank account. 30 (and beyond) is when it all came together for me, I was no longer a child and came to understand that life is not always fair and that’s okay. Fair doesn’t leave any room for grace or mercy.

Happy Birthday, again, my sweet Leah. I hope your decade is off to a exceptional start and only gets better.

Leah & I celebrating her 30th birthday at Little Sister, Manhattan Beach – March, 2014

When “Thank You” Isn’t Enough

Posted on February 21, 2014 Written by Tonya

For over a year, I have been a proud member of an online blogging group and these women are amazing in so many ways.

Their words lift me up when I’m feeling low, they are wise and supportive, strong and hard working, funny and real! They are sensitive and sweet and sometimes a little crass, which I happen to love! I honestly don’t know where I would be without them.

This is a closed group and not to sound cliquey, but a very exclusive one. I was lucky to be asked to join.

The oddest (for lack of a better word) thing about this incredible group of fellow women, mothers and writers is that of the 29 members, I have only met seven in real life. Now, anyone that says that online friends aren’t real, hasn’t ever met women like these!

Throughout my struggles with secondary infertility, this group not only shared my words through their social media channels but shared their own personal stories of longing and then hoped and prayed right there with me that someday I would be able to get pregnant again and when I did, they shared my joy, worry and happy tears.

In the weeks leading up to Lola’s birth and even since, a package (or two) has arrived on my door step each day and each day I have been overwhelmed and deeply touched by the gifts of love we have received.

Packages have come from all over the world and here is just a small sampling of what has arrived:

Here’s what arrived yesterday:

Thank you, Kir!

If you don’t already know the following women, you should!

Alison of Writing, Wishing
Kiran of Masala Chica
Erin of The Road to My Writer Roots & The Gay Dad Project
Laura of Mommy Miracles
Tracy of Sellabit Mum
Natalie of Mommy of a Monster & Twins
Robin of Farewell Stranger
Jennifer of Jennifer P. Williams
Greta of Gfunkified
Brittany of That’s Vandy
Deborah of Ask Doctor G
Elaine of The Miss Elaine-ous Life
Sarah of Little White Whale
Arnebya of What Now and Why
Poppy of Facing 40
Kristin of Two Cannoli
Angie of Angie Kinghorn
Angela of Angela Amman
Jennie of A Lady in France
Galit of These Little Waves
Leigh Ann of Genie in a Blog
Keely of Lollygag Blog
Katie of Sluiter Nation
Anna of An Inch of Gray
Andrea of About 100%
Kim of Co-Pilot Mom
Kerstin of Auer Life
Kirsten (Kir) of The Kir Corner & KirstenAPiccini.com
Jessica of My Time As Mom

Thank you, ladies. Not just for the generous gifts to help my family welcome our sweet miracle, but for your friendship.

In A Nutshell

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BlogHer 2014

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A Good Cry

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Tracy’s Story: Say No To NuvaRing

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Special

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Sip & See: Update

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On Turning 30

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