quotes

Ready For More!

Posted on June 13, 2011 Written by Tonya

Motherhood is no laughing matter. Okay, sometimes an eruption of giggles is what gets me through the day, but it is the hardest job I have ever had.

It’s difficult to communicate with a toddler that thinks climbing on furniture, darting into traffic and throwing his food on the floor is the funniest thing he’s ever done.

There are times when all I can do is count down to the moment Daddy gets home because what I know what Lucas and I both really need is a break from one another.

There are entire days that suck.

There are full weeks that suck.

Last week was one of those weeks for me.

Lucas refused to nap for three days in a row and I was at my wits end. I know our days of naps are numbered, but when you couple no naps with a feisty, overactive child and a mom ready to throw in the towel, bad things can happen.

I was ready to take the first 40+ hour/week job offered to me and never look back. It got that bad.

There is only so much Play-doh, Yo Gabba Gabba, cars, trains and visits to the park one mommy can handle. Not to mention the messes. Or yelling.

There’s only so much this too will pass, it’s just a phase, he’s only two years old, you’re doing a good job pep talks that I can give myself.

There’s only so much.

I even had my sister here for two days to help out, but I think that almost made things worse.

At any rate, it’s a new week, I’m feeling much better (stronger) and I’m back to learning How To Really Love Motherhood.

I found the above on Pinterest last night and it really resonated with me. For as frustrating as motherhood can be, it’s also amazing and wonderful and I do (mostly) love every minute.

In other words, I was able to unwind this weekend and now, I am ready for more!

I’m Not Done

Posted on June 9, 2011 Written by Tonya

For last week’s Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, I wrote 11 six word memoirs. I couldn’t stop at just one. To read them all, click here.

This week’s writing assignment is to elaborate. Rather than bombard you with 11 explanations, I have selected one:

I’m still a work in progress.

It’s very simple really.

I am not the same person that I was ten years ago, five years ago or even one year ago, in large part thanks to maturity, motherhood, devastating losses and some wonderful people I am thankful to have met along the way.

I am constantly evolving and growing and experiencing new thoughts and ideas (sometimes reluctantly), and getting better. I’m not done.

I meet new people all the time and try to expose myself to equal parts comfort and culture. There is a lot more of the world I look forward to seeing. I’m not done.

I have internal demons and I am my own worst enemy. I’ve learned just about everything the hard way. I’m proud, stubborn, love having the last word and have a difficult time relaxing. I have few regrets, wish I was more patient, struggle daily with trying to live in the moment. I have been known to drink too much, swear too much and be a real bitch when I don’t get my way. I am working on all of the above and I’m not done.

I love my family and friends beyond measure and take pride in my home, my word and compassion for others. I’m not done.

Some of my core morals and values are the same as they ever were, but with age I’m finding that I’m more open and (a bit) more flexible to other view points. I’m thirsty for knowledge and have a immense curiosity for the world around me.

I’m not done.

I’m not done learning, growing, creating, believing, feeling, listening, dancing, dreaming, reading, sitting, swimming, exploring, sweating, smiling, hoping, loving, living, being.

I’m not done.

I’m still a work in progress.

“I am a work in progress, dressed in the fabric of a world unfolding, offering me intricate patterns of questions, rhythms that never come clean, and strengths that you still haven’t seen.” -Ani DiFranco

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 1.) Last week you chose a six word memoir to share…this week elaborate. Tell us the story or thought process behind the sentence you wrote.

post signature

A Love Letter

Posted on August 4, 2010 Written by Tonya

Three years ago, I married my partner, lover and friend.

In just three short years, we have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows.

A month and a half after we got married, my father-in-law underwent heart surgery for a congenital heart defect. He made it through with flying colors and today is better than ever, but this was a very emotional time for us as newlyweds.

A month later, both of my parents died of carbon monoxide poisoning while living and working as educators in Tunis, Tunisia. My husband was amazing during this, the saddest and most confusing time in my life. He took my younger sister and I under his wing and helped us plan a double funeral, a trip to Tunisia and navigated us through countless decisions regarding their estate.

During this time I could not give him what he gave me and I will forever be grateful. He listened and held me and encouraged me to do whatever I needed in order to adjust to my new “normal”.

While I walked into walls for nine months trying to keep my wits about me and a career I loved, we decided that the best thing for me to do would be to leave my job as a marketing manager to focus on my grief, settle my parents estate, spend time with family and start planning a family of our own.

With hope in our hearts, just 10 months later, we welcomed to the world our son Lucas. Our pride and joy and new reason for living.

In three years, we have made our house a home, taken wonderful trips together, cried together, laughed together, fought like cats and dogs, grown stronger as a couple and as individuals and made two three. We recently suffered a miscarriage but are slowly, but surely bouncing back stronger than ever. I can’t wait to see what our future holds.

A wedding anniversary is the celebration of love, trust, partnership, tolerance and tenacity. The order varies for any given year. – Paul Sweeney

I am so lucky to have found this incredible man to go through life with. A man that makes my toes curl and my blood boil; makes me laugh, makes me think and forces me *kicking and screaming* to be the best version of myself. He is a wonderful father and a good person.

I don’t say it enough, but I appreciate everything you do for me and us and I love you. Happy Anniversary, Todd. xoxo

The best is yet to be.

This is my 300th post!! How fitting that is a love letter to my husband because without this blog, I’d quite possibly be a bigger pain-in-the-ass than I already am!

Time Heals All Wounds

Posted on July 19, 2010 Written by Tonya

A good laugh and a long sleep are the best cures in the doctor’s book. – Irish proverb

I haven’t posted in a few days. I have a lot to say, a lot is floating around this brain of mine, but the only thing on my mind is the fact that I’m not pregnant anymore. I couldn’t even get my Friday Flip Offs together, and I live for that!!

Last week went from bad to worse. I will spare you all the details, but it ended last night with a visit to the ER.

I’m on the mend, but sad.

I know it is completely normal for me to feel this way and I know it will pass, but my mind is a litany of negative thoughts and I can’t seem to shake them.

I’m trying to carry on as usual, but it’s easier said than done.

I’m trying to carry on as usual, because I have a 13 month old and he needs me as much as I need him.

Unfortunately, Lucas’ dad had to be out of town for a few days last week, so my sister was here and helped out immensely. She knows me well and is great with Lucas. I don’t know what we would have done without her.

Like most people, when trying to feel better emotionally, I turn to retail therapy, drowning my sorrows in Cabernet, pouring my heart out in my journal or blog, or watching too much bad TV, but sleep has always been my favorite way to escape.

None of it really helps, but crawling under the covers and disappearing for a while is a good place to start.

My son’s smile is another brilliant light at the end of this dark tunnel and lastly, there’s time…. time to heal, time to mourn and eventually time to try again.

Thank you for all of the support, good thoughts and virtual hugs last week and for commenting on my post Miscarried. As usual, I put myself out there in a very real and honest way and the feedback was sincere and heartfelt.

The best is yet to be.

My Buried Life

Posted on July 8, 2010 Written by Tonya

Write it down. Written goals have a way of transforming wishes into wants; can’ts into cans; dreams into plans; and plans into reality. Don’t just think it – ink it! – Author Unknown

Several months ago, I posted The Buried Life about a great show on MTV and promised that I would follow it up with my own Buried Life/Bucket List. Thanks to Mama Kat for making it a prompt this week, here it is:

1. Meet Dave Matthews (and just so there is no confusion… I’m talking about THE Dave Matthews from the Dave Matthews Band).
2. Read all of the books on my Goodreads list – as of today there are 536 titles.
3. Build my family tree and learn everything I can about where I come from.
4. Walk my sister down the aisle at her wedding.
5. Make the turkey with all the trimmings for Thanksgiving.
6. Spend a week or longer in Paris… again.
7. Go camping and sleep under the stars.
8. Be in the audience at the Oprah Winfrey show.
9. Learn how to drive a stick shift car.
10. Live to see A grandchild.
11. Take Lucas (and any subsequent children) on a safari in Africa.
12. Visit Tokyo, Japan.
13. Learn to ski.
14. Fly in a blimp.
15. Visit Martha’s Vineyard.
16. Learn how to French braid my own hair.
17. Travel First Class anywhere.
18. Ride a segway.
19. Go blond, if even for just one night.
20. Learn how to tie a tie.
21. Bowl a perfect round…strikes every single frame.
22. Have a photo that I have taken hung in a gallery and perhaps even sold!
23. Walk across the Golden Gate Bridge.
24. Take Lucas (and any subsequent children) to see the Pyramids
25. Sing a solo in front of an audience.
26. Ride the roller coaster at the top of the Stratosphere Hotel in Las Vegas.
27. Visit Cabo San Lucas…again.
28. Bungee jump.
29. Write a heartfelt letter to everyone I love telling them why they are so special to me.
30. Find my husband the PERFECT gift and since he is SO difficult to shop for, this could possibly take the rest of my life.
40. Go vegetarian for 30 days.
41. Give up my phone, computer and TV for a week (yeah, right!)
42. Visit all 50 states (so far, I’ve been to 28).
43. Learn how to apply eye make-up.
44. Get published.
45. Save someone’s life.
46. Attend the Olympic games
47. Sit court side during a Lakers playoff game.
48. Attend a Super Bowl game.
49. Run a marathon.
50. Learn more about wine.
51. Own a family dog.
52. Own a trampoline!
53. Watch a film in French without the subtitles.
54. Watch a film in Spanish without subtitles.
56. Knit something.
57. Run for office, even if it’s just the PTA.
58. Take a cruise.
59. Take a cooking class.
60. Have a re-commitment ceremony with husband.
61. Sell or donate all of my music CDs…. it’s time!
62. Plant something and watch it grow.
63. Establish a family game night.
64. Establish a family mission statement.
65. Call Dr. Laura.
66. Reach at least 100 followers on Letters For Lucas. I’m only 36 away. 🙂
67. Introduce Lucas to my ex-husband and meet his child(ren) too.
68. Milk a cow.
69. Paint a picture and hang it in my living room.
70. Break or set a world record.
71. Find my best friend from 2nd grade on Facebook.
72. Take a helicopter ride over the Grand Canyon.
73. Be a game show contestant…preferably Jeopardy.
74. Walk across the Great Wall of China.
75. Ride a motorcycle.
76. Participate in a community play or music group.
77. Throw a huge party for all of my friends.
78. See an active volcano.
79. Throw a surprise party for someone.
80. Appear on the cover of a magazine.
81. Help others achieve their buried lists a la the show.
82. Spend the night at the zoo.
83. Successfully assemble a piece of furniture.
84. Learn to surf.
85. Fix my front tooth; I chipped it in the 4th grade and want to have it re-bonded.
86. Organize all my photographs.
87. Put together our wedding album
88. Celebrate our 25th wedding anniversary.
89. Have one wall in my house painted bright red.
90. Own a navy blue car.
91. Sell my parents house in Arizona.
92. Have my picture taken in a field of sunflowers.
93. Learn to make the perfect margarita.
94. Drive on the Autobahn
95. See a show on Broadway.
96. Take my 21 year old son out for a beer
97. Rent a convertible for a weekend and drive the entire length of the Pacific Coast Highway.
98. Breathe deeply all the days of my life and know that that’s everything is going to be okay.
99. Thank my lucky stars everyday at how blessed I am.
100. Have a healthy second and possibly third pregnancy.

What do you want to do before you die? For clarity and focus, I highly suggest you think about it, make a list and refer to it often.

The best is yet to be.

I wrote this post for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop – Prompt #5: Write a list of 100 things you want to do before you turn 100. Otherwise known as a “bucket list”.

Flip Off!! #2

Posted on June 25, 2010 Written by Tonya

It has been a L O N G week and I have really been looking forward to Friday Flip Offs:

In no particular order:

#1 Okay, adult acne, I’ve HAD IT!! I had clearer skin when I was 15 and ate junk. Gimme a break already! What is it gonna take? How much tea tree oil can one person use? And by the way, I have seen you pop up on several other Flip Off lists lately, so you might just want to watch your back.

#2 To the birds that have all of a sudden started showing up outside our bedroom window at 2:00 in the morning, let’s just say I’m looking into shot guns. WTF?!

#3 Speaking of being rudely awaken at night, will the case of the hungries, the growing pains, teeth trying to bust their way into my son’s mouth, tempting toys and perhaps even, the monster living under the crib, just FLIP the hell OFF?! Let the child sleep, for God’s sake! More importantly let his mommy (and daddy) sleep… a full 12 hours. Thank you!

#4 No Friday Flip Off list of mine could be complete without me bitching about traffic, but this week it’s my fellow motorists, okay, cyclists to be exact and point a (middle) finger. What the hell are you thinking?! You lycra-wearing snobs aren’t above the law and you don’t always have the “right of way”. Follow the same rules as I do in my car or you’re gonna hit. It’s the law, oh and while you’re at it, FLIP OFF!!

#5 With my (gulp) 38th birthday tomorrow, I would be remiss if I didn’t give the big ole bird to AGE and growing older. I firmly do believe as Honest Abe is quoted as saying In the end, it’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years, but I would swear since I had a child, I have more gray hairs and more defined crows feet than ever before. Plus, there are new aches and pains cropping up here and there and my mind is not what it used to be. This can’t all be the baby’s fault, so I have drawn my own conclusion that getting old SUCKS!

Whew, I feel so much better and it’s all in part to Gigi at Kludgy Mom for creating this awesome meme.

Happy weekend, everyone!

The best is yet to be.

Moving On

Posted on June 15, 2010 Written by Tonya

Any change, any loss, does not make us victims. Others can shake you, surprise you, disappoint you, but they can’t prevent you from acting, from taking the situation you’re presented with and moving on. No matter where you are in life, no matter what your situation, you can always do something. You always have a choice and the choice can be power. – Blaine Lee

Friendships shouldn’t be difficult, but sometimes they can be a downright messy and very complicated endeavor.

Some friendships die a natural death: people move, change jobs, start a family, or embark on a completely different stage of life. Other friendships, however, end prematurely and abruptly. When a friendship is over and you don’t always understand why and it can be painful and puzzling. Sometimes a friend ends your relationship without even telling you and sometimes they are able to muster up enough courage to FINALLY say all the things they have wanted to say for a very, very long time.

I spent a good part of last week stewing over a friendship I have had for 20 years. We exchanged scathing e-mails and I ended up sharing some things that were WAY overdue. Should one of us have picked up the phone to discuss our issues? Absolutely, but e-mail has always sort of been “our thing” due to our geographic challenges.

It would take an entire blog to describe all the ups and downs and twists and turns I have had with this person over the years, so I’ll spare you the torrid details and just say that like in any relationship, there were good times and some nice memories that I will always cherish, but ultimately, pride, ego and an unwillingness or inability to “show up” played a huge role in the end of our friendship.

I am certainly not perfect and there are two sides to every story, but this is my blog, so you can figure out which one of us I think was the selfish one.

I have experienced monumental changes during the last three years (I got re-married, lost both of my parents at the same time, left a 10+ year career in marketing to deal with the fall out and became a mother) and my friend wasn’t much of a friend to me during any of these life altering moments and instead of saying anything to her, I pretended that everything was okay.

It wasn’t.

To be fair, she had fallen on tough times too and has spent the last three years trying to find steady work, all the while nursing a back injury sustained from an auto accident and in my opinion popping too many pills and letting herself spiral out of control. Every e-mail I received was worse than the last, a virtual “woe is me” tale of sending out resumes, worry over paying medical bills, asking for money, a repossessed car, and “boy toys”.

Ah, can you say different phases of life?

I am not saying that what was going on her life was was any less important than what was going on in mine, but there was so little acknowledgement of my burdens that it bruised my heart.

How does this relate to Lucas and/or motherhood?

I believe when you become a parent, you gain a much clearer view of the world around you, the relationships you have and what your priorities are. I literally don’t have the time to build egos or coddle anyone but my son (and occasionally my husband) anymore!

Friendship plays a key role in shaping an individual and in making the person he or she turns out to be. I have always thought of myself as a good friend. Thoughtful, loyal, fun to be with and above all engaged. I get caught up in the details sometimes and admit to having high expectations, but over the years, I have realized that that is okay. Why shouldn’t I expect the very same that I give in return? I want nothing less for my son and the friendships he will cultivate someday.

There is a lesson in this loss for me… hopefully, I’m little wiser and will be a lot more open in future. Life is too short.

Today, I feel lighter and a tiny bit sad. I am proud of myself for finally speaking my mind and letting her know how I feel about her absence over the years, but I will miss her and moving on, will think of her only with fondness.

The best is yet to be.

Imagine The Possibilities!

Posted on January 1, 2010 Written by Tonya

A simple and beautiful thought for New Year’s Day:

The best is yet to be.

Ready For More!

Related Posts:

I’m Not Done

Related Posts:

A Love Letter

Related Posts:

Time Heals All Wounds

Related Posts:

Moving On

Related Posts:

Imagine The Possibilities!

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

What I Write About