Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Plastic

Posted on November 9, 2011 Written by Tonya

I applied for and received my first credit card in 1994. I was 22 and a Junior in college. I was given a $400 credit limit to shop to my heart’s content at Victoria’s Secret [insert eye roll here] and I thought I was hot shit!

I didn’t know a thing about credit.

All I knew was I loved the idea of buying now and somehow paying later. I had a part-time job at Pier One Imports. I figured I would figure it out.

Of course, one credit card led to another and then another…

Once you were “in” with the Express/Limited family, all sorts of retailers welcomed you with credit lines. Department store credit cards soon followed and at one point, I had them all; Macy’s, Bloomingdale’s, Nordstrom’s, Neiman Marcus, etc. Many stores I didn’t even shop at.

Soon I had a wallet full of shiny plastic cards.

I am ashamed to admit that after opening one of the statements (also known as a BILL, I came to find out), my curious father paid off my plastic addiction. Well, first he had a fit and screamed and yelled and then he paid my off all of credit cards.

All the cards were promptly cut up in a ceremony sitting around our kitchen table. There was more yelling, many tears and relief.

None of the balances ever amounted to much, $80 here, $115 there, but my little part-time job wasn’t cutting it and it was time for me to face reality. In total, my parents paid off almost $1500. I was ashamed and vowed I would never let that happen again.

After that, I got smart (or so I thought) and used only one very special Visa card, which I proceeded to rack up a balance WAY more than $1500. I was not going to let my parents bail me out this time.

Although, they did but I don’t think they ever knew it.

When I graduated from college, my parents gave me enough money to live on for one year as a graduation gift. This included rent, utilities and car maintenance (gas and insurance). The check was written to me and I promptly turned around and paid Visa off in full! I was out of debt and also jobless.

Needless to say, I took the first $23,000/year position offered to me and never looked back.

I’ve always struggled with credit cards but I’ve never let myself get into debt again like those early years. I worked hard to stick to a budget and live with in my means but that always meant paycheck to paycheck for me.

Long story short, I’ve never been good with money, I suck at math and while I’m not a big shopper, I’m also not a big saver.

My husband and I sit down several times a year and review our spending, where we’re at financially and what our goals are. I am BEYOND grateful, completely relieved and much happier that he handles all of the bills and budget and anything and everything else pertaining to money in our home.

It’s just better this way.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 2.) One good reason why you are not in charge of your family’s finances.

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Filed Under: college, confession, KRA, mama kat's writer's workshop, money, MSA, shopping, TDA bio Tagged With: college, confession, KRA, mama kat's writer's workshop, money, MSA, shopping, TDA bio

Since You’ve Been Gone

Posted on November 8, 2011 Written by Tonya

My Letters For You guest this week is my sister Leah, who also blogs at L.A. ‘n’ L.A.

Our mother would have celebrated her 62nd birthday this week and here is a letter to our parents.

Dear Mom and Dad,

I miss you both every day. There’s nothing in life that I want more right now then to see the two of you. A couple weeks ago was the fourth anniversary of your deaths. It frightens me how long you’ve really been gone. You’ve been gone for 1,486 days of my life so far.

There’s so much that I want to tell you. There’s so much that you have missed.

Ultimately, I believe that your deaths changed me. I’ve grown up since you died. I guess I had no choice. I honestly don’t think that I’m your “Little Leah” anymore.

About two years after you died, I moved to Los Angeles. It was time for a change and as you know, I had wanted to move here for a long time. Something else pushed me into moving and that was that Tonya had a baby! That’s right, your oldest daughter has a beautiful baby boy who I cherish more than anything in this world. He brought me back to life after you died.

Lucas is his name and he has your eyes, Daddy. I take so much pride in being his aunt and I do my best to make sure he knows how much he is loved. Tonya and I talk to him about you both all the time and he recognizes your faces in pictures. At 2 years old, there is no one that can make me smile quite like Lucas. There is no doubt in my mind that you would have made excellent grandparents and I’m sorry that you didn’t get that opportunity.

It’s still crazy to me that my big sister is a mother. You would be so proud of her. She’s amazing. Tonya manages to not only be my key support system, but also the most incredible mom. She is so patient and loving. It’s unfair that you are not here to witness her shine in this role. I think that it would have rejuvenated your relationship with her, mom. I really do.

Without you both here guiding and supporting me through life’s ups and downs, I have leaned on Tonya at times of need. I do my best to listen to her and trust her advice. Of course we aren’t perfect and we still bicker from time to time but I do think that we are becoming better sisters and better friends all the time. There is no one that I would have rather had at my side when you died. I like to think that we get each other through the bad moments.

Since moving to L.A., I have struggled to get a job in the music industry. After you died, the economy took a plunge and the music business has been weakened. Finally this past August, I landed a job at a small radio marketing company. I also nanny for a family and have even discovered a new calling in the photography world. I have made some incredible new friends and have even found many high school and college friends that live here in L.A. too. Simply put, I am happy with my life here and I’m so glad that I moved here. Through it all, each day, I strive to make you proud of me. I try so hard to be the daughter that you thought I was becoming. I often wonder if this is the life that you hoped that I would have at 27 years old.

Even after four years, I still catch myself questioning if you are both really gone. I look for signs of you everywhere. I can’t hear a Beatles song, eat a Snickers, walk by a Build-a-Bear store, drink a Diet Dr. Pepper or do so many other things without thinking of you two. I’m touched every time someone says that I remind them of you.

I’m still so angry at you, or rather the hot water heater in your house. I was robbed of so much time with you. It breaks my heart thinking that you won’t get to meet my future husband, be at my wedding or play with my children. These are just the big events. The little ones hurt just the same. I hear people talk about what awful relationships they have with their parents and how they aren’t close. I understand now that what we had was rare. I was very lucky to have such close relationships with you both. Of course, mom, you and I both know we had more. We were best friends too. I literally can’t breathe from sadness sometimes when I think of how much I miss you in my life.

I feel like an orphan. I don’t think that is going to ever go away. It’s a title that I’ve somehow gotten used to and I’m alright with that. If I had one more hour with you both, all I would tell you is that I love you more than words will ever be able to express. I am so eternally grateful for the life that you gave me. You are in my heart today, tomorrow and always.

Lovingly your daughter,
Leah

August 4, 2007, one of our last family photographs.

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Filed Under: aunt leah, family, grief, guest post, KRA, Letters For You, MSA Tagged With: aunt leah, family, grieve, guest post, KRA, letter, Letters For You, MSA

A Little Goes A Long Way

Posted on November 7, 2011 Written by Tonya

A two-year old has no concept of In just a minute or I’ll be right there.

Making beds, sorting laundry and loading and unloading the dishwasher mean nothing to a toddler.

Mommy and Daddy are talking right now, I’m on the phone and Let me just sit for a minute go in one ear and out the other when you’re in search of a playmate. And the repetitive nature of the request: Mommy come play? is enough to drive one insane.

When you’re a child, you want Mommy and Daddy’s attention NOW! Not five minutes from now, not AFTER you pee, NOW!

Even though you have a child, there are still household chores to be done, sanity keeping activities and basic grooming that are required. Children could care less.

Lately I’ve noticed that when I devote time to Lucas, giving him my 100% undivided attention and really play with him; like get down on the ground and line up cars or build a new train track or color one page in a coloring book while he colors the opposite side, something miraculous happens… happiness emerges along with a fluidity that wasn’t there before.

The real beauty is that it doesn’t even have to be that much time; 20 minutes here, 20 minutes there and the mommy guilt subsides and tasks around the home can still be accomplished, including brushing my teeth.

I have also come to learn that it is mandatory to spend an entire day in jammies and dance and sing in the living room, make a big mess and eat pasta without a fork.

The dishes will always be there. Sigh…

This is my 700th Letters For Lucas post! How did that happen? 

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, challenges, children, parenting, play, SAHM Tagged With: 700, a mother's guilt, challenges, children, parenting, play, SAHM

Be Enough Me

Posted on November 6, 2011 Written by Tonya

I worry that I’m not the calmest mom, 

the silliest mom,

the prettiest mom,

the fittest mom,

the craftiest mom,

the strongest mom,

the coolest mom,

the smartest mom,

the tidiest mom,

the handiest mom,

or the wealthiest mom.

I know I’m not the most creative, understanding, organized, thoughtful or patient mom.

I’m not very well versed in constellations or dinosaurs. I honestly don’t know why the sky is blue. I don’t cook. I can’t dance. My funny voices sound ridiculous. I forget the words songs once I start singing them and I’m not a very good driver.

I have a terrible weakness for Chai tea lattes, fresh flowers and People magazine and I can not draw a very good train to save my life.

I can read the hell out of any book you bring me as long as you sit in my lap while I read it and I know exactly how to make you smile and no one will ever love you as much as I do, my sweet boy.

This week, I’m linking up to Just. Be. Enough’s Be Enough Me link-up.

Write, post, link-up, share your story and your voice.
Be part of carrying the weight of confidence and share our mission
to empower, inspire, and remind
women, parents and children
that the time has come to celebrate ourselves!

Next week’s prompt: What is one image or symbol that
reminds you that are you enough?

(Remember you can also write on a topic of your choice.)

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Filed Under: a mother's guilt, be enough me, books, cooking, motherhood, raising boys Tagged With: a mother's guilt, be enough me, books, cooking, raising boys

20 Questions

Posted on November 6, 2011 Written by Tonya

After seeing this questionnaire on Pinterest (where else?) and pinning it at least twice that I’m aware of, I decided to ask Lucas these 20 questions today, on his 29th month and I’ll repeat this exercise a year from now. 

1. What is your favorite color? Yellow and green

2. What is your favorite toy? Lightening McQueen

3. What is your favorite fruit? Apple

4. What is your favorite TV show? Little Einsteins

5. What is your favorite thing to eat for lunch? Mac ‘n’ cheese

6. What is your favorite outfit? A shirt

7. What is your favorite game? Car movie show game (an iPhone app)

8. What is your favorite snack? Fruit chews

9. What is your favorite animal? Zebras

10. What is your favorite song? Hakuna Matata

11. What is your favorite book? Where the Wild Things Are

12. Who is your best friend? Mommy

13. What is your favorite cereal? The crunchy one

14. What is your favorite thing to do outside? Kick the ball and chase

15. What is your favorite drink? Apple juice

16. What is your favorite holiday? Christmas tree time

17. What do you like to take to bed with you at night? My cars and lovey

18. What is your favorite thing to eat for breakfast? Apple, cheese and toast (with peanut butter)

19. What do you want for dinner on your birthday? Cake

20. What do you want to be when you grow up? A shark

Photo courteous of Pinterest, click image for source.

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Filed Under: conversations with Lucas, pinterest, question, raising boys Tagged With: conversations with Lucas, pinterest, question, raising boys

Mesmerized

Posted on November 4, 2011 Written by Tonya

The sky was full of dark clouds and it was pouring rain when we woke up on Friday morning. Our outdoor plans needed adjusting…. fast!

Enter: The Aquarium of the Pacific

We have been once before, but not since Lucas was a year old. You can read about it here. I was bound and determined to make this visit different.

I have always thought there was something incredibly soothing about watching fish and other glorious sea creatures effortlessly move through water and clearly, so does Lucas.

He stood and starred completely mesmerized by starfish, sea horse, otters, jelly fish and stringray. The expression on his face was calm and wonderful.

It was the perfect rainy day outing for us.

Plus, we got to wear our new rain boots!

Photobucket

Photobucket

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Filed Under: outing, photos, SAHM, weather Tagged With: outing, photos, SAHM, The Aquarium of the Pacific, weather

Things They Can’t Say

Posted on November 4, 2011 Written by Tonya

I share a lot here but not everything and sometimes there is a post that is better suited for somewhere else.

It’s too raw and personal.

The last month of my life has been an emotional roller coaster and taxing physically as we just completed our second (unsuccessful) round of IVF.

Shell’s invitation to be on her site, Things I Can’t Say and featured in her series, Things They Can’t Say could not have come at a better time!

Please follow me there to read about a time I just had to see my husband…


Comments are closed on this post, come visit me at Shell’s!

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Filed Under: blog, difficult subjects, IVF, my guest posts, TBW Tagged With: blog, difficult subjects, IVF, my guest posts, TBW, Things I Can't Say, Things They Can't Say

Distracted

Posted on November 3, 2011 Written by Tonya

The line expands and contracts as I watch people come and go throughout the 8:00 hour.

Busy hands operate whirling machines as they stir and whip up concoctions for patient and thirsty patrons looking for their morning fix.

Some customers are in a hurry; smart phones in hand, exuding an “I’m busier than you” attitude while others have all the time in the world and are overly chatty.

The requests I overhear are foreign to me: tall half-skinny half-1 percent extra hot split quad shot latte with whip, although the barista doesn’t even bat an eye.

Rich aroma and the latest indie band fill the air and I begin to feel intoxicated by both.

I have secured a small corner table and I have it and two hours all to myself.

There is quiet typing to my right and deep rhythmic breathing to my left.

I pick up my pen, watch the sun dance across a blank notebook page, try hard to clear my head and begin writing.

This post was also written for Write on Edge’s writing meme, Red Writing Hood. This week’s prompt: Take me to your version of 8:00 – AM or PM, fiction or creative nonfiction- in 200 words or less. Constructive criticism is welcome.


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Mornings

Posted on November 2, 2011 Written by Tonya

8 AM again and my feet won’t stop from the moment they hit the ground.

There are hugs and kisses and cuddles in between picking up, putting away and preparing for day ahead.

Noise, chaos and laughter swirl around our kitchen and I realize I wouldn’t want it any other way.

More kisses as Daddy leaves for work.

Breakfast is served, lunch box is packed, we are dressed and out the door, but not before one last struggle to put on shoes.

As I drive home alone, I pray his teachers are patient with him, his classmates are kind and he uses his manners.

I count down the hours until I can see my buddy again.

I am a mother.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 3.) Write a post that is eight lines long. (inspired by Mommy Nani Boo Boo).

This post is was also written for Write on Edge’s writing meme, Red Writing Hood. This week’s prompt: Take me to your version of 8:00 – AM or PM, fiction or creative nonfiction- in 200 words or less. Constructive criticism is welcome.

 

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One Tear

Posted on November 1, 2011 Written by Tonya

If you’re looking for a great mommy juice er… I mean, Cabernet, Merlot, Shiraz, or Chardonnay, Rachel is your gal. Her wine column on Momtastic is awesome!

Rachel also has her own blog, Mommy Needs a Vacation and I am happy to have her (straight off a Hawaiian vacation) as my Letters For You guest today with a beautiful and heartfelt letter to her father.

Dear Dad,

Tuesday, August 24, 2010 was one of the longest days of my life. Not only did it involve a long plane flight, it involved the most worry I had endured in my life. You had been lying in an ICU hospital bed for ten days and were now on life support. Your body invaded with infection; MRSA infection, in your lungs, in your spine. We still did not know if it was in your heart. The flight was a long one.

I stepped off the airplane in Hawaii and was immediately overcome with the hot, sticky air. Yet, I was cold, with a shiver that I could not shake. On the way from the airport to the hospital, my younger brother John explained your condition to me in more detail. He told me about the machines, the beeps, and the tubes. I had experience visiting a loved one in the ICU before when Sadie was born, but I knew this time would be different.

As I made my way through the hospital, I tried to hold my head up, stay strong and most of all, keep my emotions at bay for Mom. I was there to see you and be by your side, but was also there to support her, be her sounding board, be a shoulder for her to cry on.

Once inside the ICU, the coolness, the sounds, and the smells were almost too much for me to withstand. I passed room after room of extremely sick people and wondered what you were going to look like. More importantly, I was worried that you would not know that I was there.

I worried that I was too late.

As I entered your ICU room, the sight of you took my breath away. Lying there, helpless with IV’s, tubes and the giant breathing tube down your throat. Even though John told me it was important to approach and talk to you normally, I still hesitated.

I worried that you would never know I was there.

I worried that you wouldn’t make it.

I worried that I wouldn’t be strong enough.

I approached your bed, took your swollen hand and squeezed it tightly. John opened your eyes and told you that I was there and just for a small moment, you focused on me. You then quickly slipped back into your slumber, but not before a single tear left your eye and ran down your cheek.

It was in that one tear that I knew I was not too late.

It was in that one tear that I felt the hope grow inside of me.

It was in that one tear that I knew you would be okay.

As I sat across the table from you just this past week while visiting you in Hawaii, I couldn’t help but think about the last time I had seen you there. This time was much different. I got to enjoy your company, hug you, drink fabulous wine with you and watch you be a grandfather to my children.

Thank you for being you. Thank you for fighting for your life. Thank you for being my dad.

I love you,
Rachel

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Filed Under: grandparents, gratitude, guest post, Letters For You, love Tagged With: grandparents, gratitude, Letters For You, love, Mommy Needs A Vacation, Momtastic

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