challenges

Limbo

Posted on April 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

I’m in that place.

That place between here and there.

That place where tension headaches live day after day.

That place that leaves you tossing and turning night after night.

That place where the thoughts in your head are way louder than they should ever be.

I’m stuck in a state of being lost and confused, anxious and disconnected.

That place where smiles are few and far between.

That place where you function as if on autopilot, just drifting through your life.

That place where there are too many unknowns and uncertainties, unsure whether I’m coming or going, unsettled.

It’s as though I’m living half a life with one foot firmly planted in joy and hope for a bright full future and one cemented in chaos, tough decisions, worry and tears. I’m split right down the middle and quartered into sections.

That place? It’s not a good place.

Limbo sucks.

Back To Basics

Posted on March 28, 2013 Written by Tonya

From the time I was 17 on, I only saw my parents 3-4 times a year. They worked and lived overseas while I was in boarding school and then college in Arizona. Our time together was precious and never long enough. I believe they made up for the distance, the absence and maybe a sense of abandonment they felt by showering me with material things and checks.

For a while, I liked it.

A lot.

What greedy teenager wouldn’t?

I would pine for something and get it. I will be the first to admit I was spoiled and still have selfish tendencies because of it.

But there came a moment, sometime around my Sophomore year of college that I didn’t like the “gifts” and even began refusing the checks my father would try to hand me with tears in his eyes at the airport upon saying goodbye.

It started to feel like guilt money. I tried to explain my feelings, but they said I was being crazy.

I swore I wouldn’t do this to my children.

Funny how as parents we do that a lot, huh?

In the weeks leading up to our recent move and as we have been settling in, I have overindulged Lucas with more treats and cars and other toys than I care to fess up to. I wanted the transition to be a smooth one for him and I thought the gifts would help. He’s done fantastic. Of course. All he really cares about is that his family; mommy, daddy, puppy and fishy are all together under the same roof.

I have had to bring Lucas along with me to dozens of doctor’s appointments in the last few months and when he waits patiently (WAY more patient than I ever am) by my side, I feel the need to reward him with the toys he asks for. All he really cares about is spending time with mommy.

I learned a long time ago that I cannot take Lucas with me to the supermarket, Target or any other establishment that sells toys because he gets a terrible case of the gimmes and I fall prey each and every time, buying him more crap he doesn’t really need.

The stuff is not only a waste of money, it’s a poor excuse for my love and praise and he doesn’t need a million toys. I know there’s a I want him to have a better childhood than I did thing going on, but the truth is I had a full and rich childhood and I wanted for nothing. I was blessed.

I need to break this cycle now and get more creative with my affections. I need to learn to say no and not be so weak and cave when he says please, Mommy in that sweet little boy voice I know will soon change.

His dad and I do our best to teach our son about gratitude and being thankful for the things he has but my continuous buying doesn’t help.

It’s hard when everything is a negotiation with a three year old and you want to give him the world and that’s why I have decided starting Monday, April 1, because Sunday is Easter and I have already made up an Easter basket for Lucas, I am going to go on a one month, no buying strike. No toys, no games, no Matchbox cars, no packages of Micro Drifters, no sweets, no books, no plastic junk. I will post updates here on my progress.

We are going to rediscover toys Lucas already has and spend quality time together playing games and visiting the library and parks and having good old fashioned play dates. We are going to get back to basics and I will be weak no more. Wish me luck!

Change Is (Mostly) Good

Posted on February 25, 2013 Written by Tonya

I can’t believe we have to move.

Even though I knew it was coming, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me.

My chest is cramping with stress and the lists running through my head are giving me the spins.

The last few days have been chaos amidst boxes and packing tape, furniture pads and piles.

So many piles.

We’ve decided whether to save, sell, donate or store countless items.

Another new address.

Temporary, but still.

Change.

I don’t like change.

Especially on top of all our regular everyday stresses…

Deadlines.

Appointments.

Trips to the grocery store.

Laundry.

Late nights.

Early mornings.

Errands.

Exercise.

Phone calls to make and return.

Full In Boxes.

Bills.

Lunches to prepare.

A chipped tooth and an emergency visit to the dentist.

Infertility treatments.

A dog with warts in his mouth (Ugh. Don’t ask!).

Birthday presents to purchase.

Swim lessons.

Responsibilities.

Life.

But, I don’t have any more going on in my life than you, in fact your To Do list probably looks a lot like mine. Sure the tasks may differ, but the intent behind the reminders is the same and I’m sure the strong desire to cross items off is too!

The older I get the more I realize change can be exciting and a move doesn’t have to be all that stressful. It’s a huge pain-in-the-ass, but I know it’ll all get done.

Plus, there’s a lot of really great stuff going on right now too. Lucas, for one is very excited about living in an apartment complex that has not one, but three pools! We are looking forward to a fun Spring and Summer and finding a house by Fall.

I’m not going to be posting here as much over the next few weeks, so bear with me. Having said that, my infertility column over at SheKnows is still of the utmost importance to me and you can find a new post there every Monday through May. Today’s offering is Acupuncture for infertility: On pins and needles. Please read and share!

Playlist

Posted on December 13, 2012 Written by Tonya

Music helps me.

For as long as I can remember I have sang along to my favorite songs and other tunes that I just couldn’t escape. For every major milestone in my life, I can associate a song. Certain lyrics speak to me and make me feel better; or worse depending on my mood. But they always assure me I am in good company; that someone in the world has felt exactly what I am.

I’ve shared some of my favorite workout tunes before and that playlist is ever growing and changing. I need songs to lift me up and give me that extra ump to sweat a little longer, run a little faster and challenge myself.

I’ve had a little bit too much
All of the people start to rush.
Start to rush babe.
A dizzy twister dance
Can’t find my drink or man.
Where are my keys, I lost my phone.

Just Dance – Lady Gaga

While planning my wedding I put together a playlist of timeless love songs and listened to it as I got ready, walked down the stairs of our house, out into our backyard and met my groom. From there on, a solo guitarist took over, but whenever I play that playlist, I am right back there taking my father arm and descending the staircase.

You know me better than that
Think I’d leave you down
When you’re down on your knees?
I wouldn’t do that

By Your Side – Sade

When my parents died, I created a playlist of songs that would guarantee to make me cry. Like big ugly, crocodile tears cry because sometimes I’d walk around for days with a lump in my throat and finally just had to let it out. I’d give in, press play on a playlist I called “Amazing Grace” because that was one of my mother’s favorite songs and let the tears flow. It is a healing mix of deeply personal songs and family favorites and I always felt a little better afterward hearing it. A good cry often has that effect.

But all that I know is I’m breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

Keep Breathing – Ingrid Michaelson

Before Lucas was born I put together a collection of songs aptly titled, “Birth Day” that I had hoped to listen to while in labor. Things moved too fast for me to even grab my iPod the night he was born, but I listened to that compilation over and over and over in the weeks and days leading up to his arrival. The songs were dreams I had for my son, uplifting and hopeful.

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

My Wish – Rascal Flatts

This year I made a new playlist full of songs of empowerment, triumph, strength and promise. Each one screams: don’t give up! They have become my anthems.

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

A Thousand Years – Christina Perri

I am pretty sure the artists included on this list weren’t singing about infertility, but they work.

For me.

What are your go-to songs when you need a good cry, a swift kick in the pants or gobs of inspiration?

10 Reasons NOT To Get A Puppy

Posted on December 5, 2012 Written by Tonya

Oh yeah, they’re adorable and seem like a great addition to the family, but do not be fooled, puppies are a lot of work and will try your patience in every way!

Even more than you think your children do.

I’m dead serious.

Charlie Pasta turned six months old on December 1 and after having a puppy for four months, here are the top 10 reasons I might be regretting it:

10. He digs holes in our backyard.

9. He brought me the remains of a mouse and then licked my face.

8. He continues to wake me up at 12:30, 2:30 and 4:30 with a cry worse than a newborn baby’s wanting to go out to pee or just walk around the yard for no apparent reason. Oh, no wait, there are shadows to bark at.

7. He’s jumps when I walk by him and at the jingle of keys presumably because he thinks it’s his leash and wants to go for a walk and then when I do take him for a nice long (almost 5 mile) outing along the beautiful beach, stopping to let him potty, drink water and take in the fresh ocean air, the minute we get home he looks me straight in the eye and then proceeds to pee on my carpet. If that isn’t the ultimate F-You, I don’t know what is.

6. While I was in the bathroom the other morning and left him alone for less than three minutes, he destroyed a pile of Lucas’ art projects.

5. He attacked my beloved olive tree.

4. His toys are squeakier, louder and WAY more annoying that anything Lucas has ever played with.

3. Despite (almost) daily dental care, his breath stinks all. the. time.

2. Although he has never chewed a pair of shoes, Lucas’ toys or our baseboards (knock on wood), look what he did to our vacuum cord!!

And the #1. Why puppies absolutely suck: He has weaseled his way into our family and stolen our hearts.

Five

Posted on October 14, 2012 Written by Tonya

Today is an anniversary but there is no cause for celebration.

Today marks five chances to ring in a New Year,

five missed Mother’s Day brunches,

five Father’s Day barbeques,

five World Series games,

five Christmas mornings,

one very special birth.

Birthdays, holidays and other milestone days are painful reminders of who is missing from my life and there is no distraction grand enough to avert my attention.

In the days and weeks following a loved one’s death, people tend to say things like, “give it time, it will get easier.” Five years later and I don’t think people will ever know exactly what to say to me when it comes to losing my parents. There truly are no magic words that I know of, except perhaps “you can wake up now, it was all a bad dream”.

The ironic thing is that it actually does get easier with time. Time is a gift for those left behind. Time doesn’t heal all wounds, but it helps.

Five years later, it’s not a constant, overwhelming, all consuming grief, but within the little things, where grief hides, that hit me when I least expect it. These are the moments when I realize I am slowly forgetting things I swore I never would and it scares me. I make a conscious attempt to replay poignant moments in my mind in an effort to hold on; anything to hold the memories close.

My mom and dad live on in me, my sister and Lucas but the hole in my heart will forever be present. Forever gaping and raw.

After five years I am still grieving.

As Seen On Pinterest

Posted on September 24, 2012 Written by Tonya

Let me first preface this post by saying I am not the craftiest mom on the block and I have burned rice at least TWICE, but I can ~~usually~~ follow instructions.

Pinterest, while it may be somewhat of an obsession for me, (I have pinned over 5000 things) it mostly makes me feel inadequate about my life, my body, my homemaking skills and my craft quota.

I daydream of being that wife and mother that presents her family with four course homemade meals daily, decorates to the nines for each and every holiday, (or and day that end in -y) travels to far-off exotic destinations, always looking stylish and chic while doing any of the above, hand makes everything and knows how to decoupage, macrame and fishtail braid.

Every once in a while, however, I come across an idea I fool myself into believing I can pull off.

Pinterest is a great place for inspiration but the the outcome rarely resembles the picture, at least in my case. But at least I try…

Here are three of my latest attempts that are worthy of sharing!

The Pin – Book Cover Art Work

Click on image for source and how-to.

The Project

I’m pretty happy with the way this project turned out and actually like it better than the pin. Lucas was very excited about it too, although you wouldn’t know it by his expression. O_o

SIDE NOTE #1: I was a little disappointed that I e-mailed the original crafter for some help and have yet to hear back.

SIDE NOTE #2: 3M Super 77 multi-purpose adhesive is super nasty sticky stuff! If attempting this project, wear gloves at all times. Just saying.

The Pin – Photo Ideas For Boys

Click on image for source.

The Project

Lucas is crazy about cars and was really into this shoot, especially the set-up.

The Pin – Pumpkin Chocolate Chip Bread

Click on image for source and recipe.

The Project

A complete and utter fail!

Photos of food always look better than the real thing, so please refrain from licking the screen.

Ack!

This was a complete disaster, AKA #PinterestFAIL.

After cooling for over an hour, I shook the loaf out of the pan and it fell into itself. Maybe I used too much pumpkin puree, my other ingredients were old, or I missed a step but clearly this did not turn out the way it was suppose to.

For more Pinterest projects that I have tried, visit my board, aptly titled Pinterest Projects I Have Tried. Clever, no?

Have you made any Pinterest projects come to life lately? How many have gone awry?

Click on image for source.

Linking up with Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop. Prompt #4 Choose an item you recently pinned on Pinterest and…TRY IT! Was it a success or failure?

Falling In Love

Posted on September 11, 2012 Written by Tonya

I didn’t want to lose my patience today.

I didn’t want to raise my voice or say no, bad dog or get down.

I didn’t want to scold or clean up messes.

I didn’t want to hear whimpering or the annoying squeak of a plush toy.

I didn’t want to be nipped at or scratched.

I didn’t want to raise my eye brows in shock when I discovered another characteristic I was unaware dog’s possessed or another chewed item… Baseboards? Garden hose? Metal leg of table? Really?

I didn’t want to have to dry my tears as I wondered if we had made the biggest mistake of our lives.

I wanted nothing but smiles and laughter and wagging tails.

I wanted everything to go smoothly.

I wanted everyone to be agreeable. Happy and content.

I didn’t want to become one of those people. You know the kind that show pictures of their latest pride and joy to people they barely know.

I didn’t want to admit that Cesar Millan might just know what he’s talking about. We now DVR The Dog Whisperer.

I didn’t want to be a frequent shopper card carrier at PetSmart, PetCo or Muttropolis.

I didn’t want to subscribe to another magazine. Hello, Dog Fancy!

I didn’t want to be the person that left a party early because I knew it was feeding time at home.

I didn’t want to fall in love, but I am.

Don’t let his “who me?” face fool you in the least bit!

Three

Posted on August 29, 2012 Written by Tonya

There was a little girl,
Who had a little curl,
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good,
She was very good indeed,
But when she was bad she was horrid.

– Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

Three is tough.

Three is really tough.

I had been told that the terrible twos had nothing on the horrible threes, but I had no idea how rough it was going to be.

A perfect family outing can turn sour in the blink of an eye.

A pleasant dinner can end in tears and refusal to eat before you have a chance to say, “please pass the pepper”.

Quiet snuggle time and stories at bedtime can lead to World War III.

Three year old’s can be unruly, unpredictable and unwavering.

They are loud and throw animalistic temper tantrums over minutia.

They are cheeky and disrespectful, cunning and quick.

One minute cute and adorable, engaging and fun and the next he’s the Terminator and out for blood.

From the day he turned three, Lucas, an already very willful child, became a professional terror, especially when temperatures are on the rise, a nap hasn’t been had, he has an empty tummy or has heard the word “no” one too many times.

His father and I became professional negotiators, peace keepers, patience seekers and silent 1 to 10 counters. We are a good team and can tell when the other needs a break.

Time outs, taking toys and other privileges away don’t always work. Neither does yelling. Yelling always makes it worse.

Sometimes we give in.

Sometimes we become short order cooks or we gather our belongings and get up and leave with a kicking and screaming child batting us in the head, we have long discussions about behavior and patience with both one another and our son. We try to teach Lucas what is acceptable and what is not, right from wrong and are learning to say “no” with finesse.

We fall into bed each night exhausted, pray that we made the right choices and are parenting as best as we can and have high hopes that tomorrow is a better day.

Every now and then, but more often than not, we receive heartfelt apologies from our sweet boy, tender “I love you’s” full of remorse and it makes all the horrid worthwhile.

Puppies & Preschoolers

Posted on August 9, 2012 Written by Tonya

In addition to feeling so sleep deprived I can’t even see straight and riddled with worried that I’m doing something terribly wrong, puppies and preschoolers are similar in a lot more ways than I thought:

Both require A LOT of gear. I thought we were prepared before we brought Charlie Pasta home on Tuesday, but I have made two trips to PetCo and one to Target to get MORE stuff.
Both love being chased around the backyard and it is a joy to watch.
Both love snacks / treats throughout the day.
Potty training both (or either) at the sane time (anytime) is a huge pain-in-the-ass/nearly impossible/difficult.
I have checked both while they were sleeping to make sure they were still breathing.
Both get a lot of photographs taken of them, which is good for them because they also both LOVE to be the center of attention.

A boy and his dog.

Both cry for what they want. And usually get it. CASE AND POINT: me sleeping next to the crate so he won’t be lonely. Oh, my aching back and bleeding heart!
Both want to be right underfoot at all times. I admit that I have stepped on both more than once and I have accepted the fact that I will never pee alone again.
Both mistake bedtime for playtime. CASE AND POINT: of the FIVE times I let Charlie out last night, he only peed ONCE. Sigh…
Both smell like magic, can bring a smile to your face no matter what mood you’re in and are always happy to see you.
Both are absolute angels when they are asleep.

Are you kidding me? I die!

While it is not without it’s challenges, parenthood and puppyhood are two of the best roles I’ve ever had and I am over the moon with delight with the latest, but I am so looking forward to Charlie sleeping through the night.

Limbo

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