Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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What I’ll Miss

Posted on October 27, 2014 Written by Tonya

As I sit down on the couch to fold a load of my children’s clothes, still fresh and warm from the dryer I start to think of all the things I am going to miss.

Lola’s owl pajamas trimmed in sea foam green, the long-sleeve onesie that says “I love Daddy” across the front, Lucas’s Star Wars and superhero T-shirts, socks embedded with sand, and a pair of camouflage pants with a stain on the knee that no matter how hard I try, can’t seem to remove.

These little clothes.

They are outgrowing them faster than I’d like.

Faster than I imagined.

There’s other things too; morning “Mommy snuggles”, as Lucas calls them, him telling me I’m beautiful, coming up behind me and hugging my legs, asking for one more book or to “play with me”, his sneaky screen time shenanigans/negotiations, willingly wearing whatever I lay out for him each day and the questions. So many questions! Someday he’ll know more than me and have way more credible sources.

Lola is on her way to walking and with that will come a freedom she’s never known. It’s an exciting and witnessing a baby experience things for the first time is pure magic. Right now it is a daily occurrence and so hard to believe we are nine months into a year of her firsts.

It goes by fast. I’ve heard it from day one of becoming a mother and it’s true. Cliché, but the truest statement about parenthood.

One day you’re rocking your newborn to sleep in a freshly painted nursery with new sheets on a crib surrounded by stuffed animals and diapers and other baby paraphernalia you never even knew existed trying to remember the words to “Hush, Little Baby” and the next, you’re sending them off to kindergarten with a backpack twice their size, reviewing sight words, hosting sleepovers, building with Legos and worried that soon you won’t be able to pick them up any longer.

I love being a mother. I especially love being a mother to Lucas and Lola. Each day is eerily similar but also very different from the last.

I adore these children, these little humans full of life and love and growing and changing right before my eyes. There are more things than I cannot count about these precious days and these precious people I will miss.

what i'll miss

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Filed Under: children, clothes, gratitude, love, memories, motherhood, parenthood Tagged With: children, gratitude, love, memories, motherhood, parenthood

Loss Is Loss Is Loss: A Book Review Of Rare Bird

Posted on September 30, 2014 Written by Tonya

As soon as Anna Whiston-Donaldson’s book, Rare Bird: A Memoir of Loss and Love arrived in my mailbox I started reading it. I literally ripped it out of the manila envelope it arrived in as I walked up to my house and started with chapter one entitled, You’re Braver than You Think.

Something stopped me.

I knew full well what the book was about; Anna’s son Jack died in a flash flood while playing with neighborhood friends in the rain. It is a tragedy that is almost inconceivable to consider. Parents should never have to bury their children. Ever.

There was a part of me that wondered if maybe I wasn’t in the right frame of mind to begin such a heavy story, one that was sure to cause me to draw parallels to my own grief and loss and pull me into a depression I didn’t have either the time or inclination to revisit. I wasn’t ready to go to that place in that moment.

grief feels like shame

That was the end of July.

By September, I had somehow successfully managed to avoid reading any reviews on Rare Bird or discussing the book with anyone who had already read it.

I picked it up again and finished two days later, on the third anniversary of Jack’s death. Ironic, right? I e-mailed Anna immediately to tell her how much I loved her memoir, how much I appreciated her tender words, full of wisdom and grace, beauty, love, pain and hope.

reluctant pupil of grief

I wanted her to know that I learned something about grief by reading Rare Bird. I realized that the thing about grief is once you’ve experienced that kind of loss it’s always with you and takes very little to conjure. It could be a quote, a piece of music, a passage in a book, walking by a stranger in the supermarket that smells like someone you lost or simply sharing your grief story with others. It can happen at any time and without any warning.

Through my personal grief journey I have discovered that grief is a tricky beast and everyone experiences it differently. So much of what Anna shares I felt when I lost my parents in a tragic, fluke accident way too soon. As Anna says, “loss is loss is loss”.

Rare Bird isn’t just a memoir. It is a beautifully written handbook for anyone who is grieving, who will grieve, or who will be there for someone who is grieving, but don’t just take my word for it, her book has already been praised by The Washington Post and Publishers Weekly.

Listen to Anna tell you about her book in her own words:

loss is loss is loss

Disclaimer: I received a copy of Rare Bird: A Memoir of  Loss and Love to assist in my review. No other compensation was received. All opinions expressed are my own.

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Filed Under: book review, books, death, gratitude, grief, loss, quotes Tagged With: book review, books, death, gratitude, grief, loss, quotes

45

Posted on August 23, 2014 Written by Tonya

It’s hard to imagine my parents ever dating. Of course they did long before I existed and while I was growing up too, but I only recall babysitters not the two of them going out for the evening.

I can’t help but wonder if we’d be at their favorite restaurant tonight dining all together as a family or would my father insist on a having a “cook out” and inviting a few friends over too. Just bring yourself, he’d say when asked what could be contributed to the gathering.

Maybe with the help of me or my sister, my father would have made reservations at a hip new eatery. He’d hate every minute of the meal but would go through it with smile on his face and rise to leave as soon as the check was paid. My dad did not enjoy the restaurant dining experience in the least bit. He liked being at home and was always ready for the next thing so it left him antsy in restaurants.

I’m certain my dad would have enlisted help picking out a piece of sapphire jewelry, the classic gift given on this occasion. My mother would opt for a silly over sentimental gift for him and card that said it all because she was unable.

I bet my sister and I would have gone in on a gift together for them. For their 25th anniversary we presented them with an engraved decorative pewter plate we bought at Things Remembered. We’d have to do better than that, it has been another 20 years. A trip maybe? I always dreamed of sending them on a cruise. Why I have no idea, especially since my mother had severe motion sickness and my dad’s need for his own space.

I wish I had known my parents without children, just them, as a couple. I regret not asking them more about their early years together. I want to hear again how they met, when exactly they knew they had found The One and after all these years together, what makes their marriage work and has there ever been a time when one of them wanted to walk away. I’d like to thank them for being such great marriage role models, sticking together, sticking it out.

If they were alive, my parents would be celebrating their 45th wedding anniversary today.

I hope wherever they are, they are kissing and cuddling and toasting one another as I’ll be. saki house2

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Filed Under: gratitude, KRA, loss, love, marriage, milestones, MSA Tagged With: gratitude, KRA, loss, love, marraige, milestones, MSA

Happy Tears

Posted on August 14, 2014 Written by Tonya

The first time I ever remember crying from pure joy was when I was eight years old. My family and I had just returned from a stateside summer vacation back to our home in Karachi, Pakistan and I was reunited after 2 1/2 months away with our dog Licorice. That was back when I liked dogs.

It has only happened a handful of times since then, my wedding day, with each pregnancy test, the birth of my son and daughter.

Tears of joy are the best kind although it is a strange phenomenon, water coming from your eyes when you’re so happy you could burst. And to try to explain it to a five-year-old is damn near impossible.

Now that Lola can sit up and I have a fancy bath seat for her, Lucas likes to take baths with his little sister. It is now part of our nightly routine and is adorable to watch. They splash and play with a few bath toys and in the process get clean. Two birds one stone.

The other night Lola grabbed at Lucas’s foot and chewed with her one tooth on his toes. When Lucas pretended that it hurt and screamed out ow!, Lola burst into a fit of giggles. They were truly playing with one another and it was so cute. Then he hugged her and kissed her and told her how much she loved her.

A quiet observer, sitting on the toilet I soon became a sobbing mess. I didn’t even bother hiding it. I never thought I’d see the day.

My two children.

Playing with one another.

Loving one another.

Laughing with one another.

My heart hurt.

But in the very best way.

Lucas never having seen anyone cry from joy before suddenly stopped having fun and with a very concerned look on his face asked, “Mommy, why are you crying? I’m not really hurt.”

“I know, I’m crying because I’m so happy. I never thought that I’d see this, you two together and it makes me… happy. These are happy tears.”

As I watch their relationship develop, something tells me that there will be many more happy tears in my future. And I can’t wait.

bath

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Filed Under: gratitude, love, siblings, simple joys Tagged With: gratitude, love, siblings, simple joys

Under A Shady Tree

Posted on July 8, 2014 Written by Tonya

I had just completed my morning walk and as usual was anxious to move on to daily errands and checking items off my “to do” list, but something stopped me from unbuckling Lola from her stroller and buckling her into her car seat.

A shady tree.

It almost beckoned me, dared me to do something that was not on the agenda.

Come, stop, sit for a while.

There is nothing else you need to do right now.

Be here.

Carefully lifting Lola out of her stroller, I left it by the car, walked not even 5 feet, fanned out a blanket under the calm of the tree and sat down.

We practiced sitting and I sang You Are My Sunshine and Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.

grass

We listened to the birds chirping and cars driving past, airplanes overhead and greeted anyone who walked by.

Lola grabbed at the grass with her tiny fingers and gasped and smiled with the wind.

Soon she had rolled almost entirely off the blanket and was gazing up at the leaves in the tree and “talking” quietly to herself. She was mesmerized, as was I.

grass3

As I stared in awe at my precious little girl, I thought I want to remember this. This moment.

She’s only going to be this small for a finite amount of time. I’m so glad we did this, thank you tree.

Duty will always call but taking time to savor and drink up these special moments is vital to my existence.

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Filed Under: gratitude, nature, outing, photos, SAHM, simple joys Tagged With: gratitude, nature, outing, photos, SAHM, simple joys

Sip & See: Update

Posted on May 16, 2014 Written by Tonya

It was a celebration three and a half years in the making.

I bought new dresses for both of us.

There were beautiful platters of croissant sandwiches, quiche, colorful macaroons, mini cupcakes and delicious salads.

Gorgeous flowers and my favorite people filled the room.

And the champagne was free flowing!

The gifts were generous and heartfelt, especially a Dave Matthews Band-themed diaper cake, which included diapers, of course, a Rockabye Baby! Lullaby Renditions of Dave Matthews Band CD, framed lyric, monkey onesie, Anti Monkey Butt diaper cream and monkey rattles (see photo below).

It was a day to celebrate; a Sip & See for Lola hosted and attended by my best friends and family.

Back in December, I wrote a post sponsored by Minted about how we had opted for a Sip & See after Lola’s arrival instead of a baby shower/sprinkle beforehand.

As promised, here’s the invitation:

IMG_8775

Click on image for more details and ordering information.

Todd took the children home after a while and the game Cards Against Humanity came out. There was laughter and a few tears as I fumbled through a toast trying to express how much the day meant to me, but mostly there was love.

sipandsee2It was lovely afternoon.

Thank you, again friends and especially Leah, for getting me home safely.

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Filed Under: aunt leah, DMB, doodlebug, friends, gifts, gratitude, photos, update Tagged With: aunt leah, DMB, doodlebug, friends, gifts, gratitude, Minted, photos, update

Thank You’s

Posted on May 2, 2014 Written by Tonya

My latest crush is on Jimmy Fallon (see yesterday’s post for 10 reasons why) and I love his segment on Fridays where he writes thank you notes. He’s essentially mocking the practice by thanking everything from…

Peer pressure, for being totally not cool. Unless my friends think it’s cool, then it’s pretty cool I guess

to

Jeopardy, for being the most entertaining way to remind me of how stupid I am. 

For more, click here. 

Here is my own list of thank you’s… some serious, some not so much and none as funny as Fallon.

image

Thank you to:

  • Gardeners who turn off their leaf blowers and loud tree trimmers when I walk by pushing Lola in a stroller, but my own, even after talking to him about it still can’t grasp the concept of a sleeping baby.
  • The litterbug who threw their empty American Spirit cigarette box on the street prompting a lively discussion with my four-year-old not only about the dangers of smoking, the importance of picking up after ourselves but also the relationship between cowboys and Indians.
  • Drive-thru Starbucks! Seriously, I don’t know if God exists, but if he does, he gave moms the drive-thru.
  • The man standing at the urinal who completely ignored me when I barged in with my two kids in tow. Oops. I really need to learn to read signs!
  • The girl at the park who called me “ma’am”. As if my tired bones, dark circles under my eyes, gray roots and flabby postpartum gut haven’t been making me feel old enough. Sigh… For future reference, that salutation is  never okay.
  • The even younger girl at Yogurtland with your ass hanging out of your shorts and your midriff showing, you gave me something to think about when Lola is your age. NOTE TO SELF: Buy all of your daughter’s clothes!! Oh, and two things: yes, you’re hot and no, you are NOT dressed appropriately, not that you were wondering or care! Shame on your father, the man I presume and hope you were with for letting you leave the house dressed like that.
  • Solar power, you rock! With the 90+ degree days we’ve been having lately, running our AC doesn’t make me tailspin into panic at the thought of our energy bills.
  • Lola’s bowels that seem to know exactly when we are running late and headed out the door and decide to let loose, if you know what I mean. O_o

What are you “thankful” for?

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Filed Under: conversations with Lucas, crush, gratitude, list, question, random, TV Tagged With: conversations with Lucas, crush, gratitude, Jimmy Fallon, list, question, random, TV

Let Her Sleep…

Posted on April 24, 2014 Written by Tonya

Before Lola was born, Wednesday was one of my favorite days because it’s the only day Lucas doesn’t go to school and it was just us. Since Lola’s arrival, Wednesdays are tough, especially for her.

Poor girl is in and out of the car for big brother’s swim lessons, in and out of the car for his My Gym class; there’s lots of waiting around while he gets to have all the fun, she has her diapers changed in public restrooms, feedings on the go and put up with general chaos. I take her out of her car seat and she loves to watch him and everything else going on around us, but it’s not familiar surroundings and she fusses a lot. 

Yesterday I made time for us to be home in middle of all of our Wednesday activities for a little while. Lucas played with Lego quietly and I did a few things around the house. Lola enjoyed scooting around (not quite able to roll over) on the guest bed cooing as happy as can be. I hung out with her for a while and then left for a few moments and returned to the most magical sight:

sleep

I don’t seek these moments out but when they find me, they take my breath away. After soaking it in I grabbed my camera.

I could not love this little girl more.

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Filed Under: gratitude, outing, photos, quotes, SAHM, siblings, sleep Tagged With: gratitude, outing, photos, quotes, SAHM, siblings, sleep

When “Thank You” Isn’t Enough

Posted on February 21, 2014 Written by Tonya

For over a year, I have been a proud member of an online blogging group and these women are amazing in so many ways.

Their words lift me up when I’m feeling low, they are wise and supportive, strong and hard working, funny and real! They are sensitive and sweet and sometimes a little crass, which I happen to love! I honestly don’t know where I would be without them.

This is a closed group and not to sound cliquey, but a very exclusive one. I was lucky to be asked to join.

The oddest (for lack of a better word) thing about this incredible group of fellow women, mothers and writers is that of the 29 members, I have only met seven in real life. Now, anyone that says that online friends aren’t real, hasn’t ever met women like these!

Throughout my struggles with secondary infertility, this group not only shared my words through their social media channels but shared their own personal stories of longing and then hoped and prayed right there with me that someday I would be able to get pregnant again and when I did, they shared my joy, worry and happy tears.

In the weeks leading up to Lola’s birth and even since, a package (or two) has arrived on my door step each day and each day I have been overwhelmed and deeply touched by the gifts of love we have received.

Packages have come from all over the world and here is just a small sampling of what has arrived:

gifts of love2

Here’s what arrived yesterday:

photo

Thank you, Kir!

If you don’t already know the following women, you should!

Alison of Writing, Wishing
Kiran of Masala Chica
Erin of The Road to My Writer Roots & The Gay Dad Project
Laura of Mommy Miracles
Tracy of Sellabit Mum
Natalie of Mommy of a Monster & Twins
Robin of Farewell Stranger
Jennifer of Jennifer P. Williams
Greta of Gfunkified
Brittany of That’s Vandy
Deborah of Ask Doctor G
Elaine of The Miss Elaine-ous Life
Sarah of Little White Whale
Arnebya of What Now and Why
Poppy of Facing 40
Kristin of Two Cannoli
Angie of Angie Kinghorn
Angela of Angela Amman
Jennie of A Lady in France
Galit of  These Little Waves
Leigh Ann of Genie in a Blog
Keely of Lollygag Blog
Katie of Sluiter Nation
Anna of An Inch of Gray
Andrea of About 100%
Kim of  Co-Pilot Mom
Kerstin of  Auer Life
Kirsten (Kir) of The Kir Corner & KirstenAPiccini.com
Jessica of My Time As Mom

Thank you, ladies. Not just for the generous gifts to help my family welcome our sweet miracle, but for your friendship.

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Filed Under: DBA, friends, gifts, gratitude, pregnancy2 Tagged With: DBA, friends, gifts, gratitude, pregnancy2

She’s Here!

Posted on February 10, 2014 Written by Tonya

She’s here! She’s here! I am thrilled, grateful, full of joy and so, so much love. There truly are no words to describe how happy I am to finally have this tiny baby girl in my arms.

However…

between constipation, engorged boobs, sore nipples, painful pumping sessions, lack of sleep, not being able to move around comfortably, swollen feet and hands, stitches, burning sensation in my abdomen, multiple bouts of crying throughout the day, not being able to drive for two weeks, an over active pre-schooler, mounds of laundry, an insatiable thirst and crazy out of whack hormones, postpartum days really suck.

On the other hand, there is a very supportive and helpful husband, an understanding 4-year-old, in-laws to look after Lucas, a sweet and curious dog, friends who visit bearing gifts, meals, sound advice and laughter, doctors and specialists who know better, breast feeding support groups, pain medication, cabbage (if you have ever breast fed, you’ll understand), time and moments like this:

sibling love
It was worth the wait and worth all the postpartum BS. Bring it… I’m getting stronger every day and slowly healing.

I will share Lola Paige’s birth story soon and more photos, but blogging will be intermittent for the next few weeks as I’ll be busy snuggling my newborn miracle. Thank you for understanding.

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Filed Under: annoyances, family, friends, grandparents, gratitude, health, motherhood, photos, pregnancy2, puppy, siblings, TBW Tagged With: annoyances, family, friends, grandparents, gratitude, health, motherhood, photos, pregnancy2, puppy, siblings, TBW

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