Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Best Dave Matthews Band Lyrics

Posted on September 19, 2014 Written by Tonya

If you know anything about me, have been reading Letters For Lucas for a while, or have bothered to read any of my social media bios; you know the ones that offer limited characters, then you would know I LOVE the Dave Matthews Band! I’m obsessed.

Have been since college.

Can listen to their songs on repeat and never grow tired of them.

I drag my husband to see them in concert at least once a year. Funny story… just three days before this year’s concert, Saturday, September 6 we misplaced our tickets! My husband swore he brought them home from work, where he had them mailed and I swore he didn’t. I know, I know, who gets paper tickets anymore? Super fans, that’s who! We ended up finding them (in an unlikely drawer at Todd’s office) and had a blast at the show, but our house was definitely a little tense for a couple of days.

I digress.

I suppose it could be said if you aren’t a Dave Matthews lover then this post is probably not for you, however, if you are a lover of the English language and enjoy words and the way they roll off the tongue and sound when grouped with other words, then please keep reading….

In my ever humble opinion, in no particular order, here are 11 of the BEST Dave Matthews Band lyrics:

bestDMBlyrics bestDMBlyrics bestDMBlyrics bestDMBlyrics bestDMBlyrics bestDMBlyrics bestDMBlyrics bestDMBlyrics bestDMBlyrics bestDMBlyrics bestDMBlyrics

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Filed Under: DMB, lyrics, music Tagged With: DMB, lyrics, music

Live & In Person

Posted on April 3, 2014 Written by Tonya

Several times I have shared how much I love music, from my current workout playlist, to favorite songs and my adoration of Dave Matthews.

I have a short list of songs that I *must* hear performed live before I die because they are some of my all time favorites, meaningful to me and have helped me find my voice when my own words have failed me or I simply admire the artist so much that I have to see them in concert. In alphabetical order, they are:

  • #41 by The Dave Matthews Band*
  • A Thousand Years by Christina Perri*
  • Anna Begins by The Counting Crows*
  • Clarity by John Mayer*
  • Good Enough by Sarah McLachlan
  • Nick of Time by Bonnie Raitt*
  • Piano Man by Billy Joel*
  • Pictures of You by The Cure
  • Second Hand News by Fleetwood Mac*
  • Someone Like You by Van Morrison

I’ve been lucky enough to see the starred ones, some more than once!

Last night I saw Christina Perri at a small radio marketing event that my sister’s company was involved in at the Hard Rock Cafe in Hollywood. Perri sang only three songs, two from her new album, released this week and opened with “A Thousand Years”.

I cried through the entire song. I didn’t sing along even though I know every word, I just cried.

I loved the Twilight series, read the books and was first in line to see the movies (all five), but I don’t remember hearing Perri’s song during the credits of The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn—Part 1. Apparently after fans heard it on the movie’s soundtrack, they adopted it as “Bella and Edward’s song”. It’s significance to me isn’t Twihard related; for me it served as an anthem during my struggles with infertility, a love song to a child I longed to meet someday.

I’m still recovering/processing/coming up for air from that chapter of my life and it’s proving to be harder than I thought. Infertility is a crazy roller coaster ride of ebbs and flows, hope and disappointment and there were some very dark days when I didn’t think I could handle it anymore and those were the days I turned to my infertility playlist for inspiration, a good cry and above all comfort. “A Thousand Years” is on that playlist and will always be a favorite and gentle reminder of a very difficult period of my life.

Last night was only the second time I have heard the song since my miracle, Lola was born and I was completely overcome with emotion. It’s a beautiful and moving song.

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Not only did I get the chance to hear Christina Perri live, I also met her after her set and told her how much her song means to me. She was gracious and kind and asked how everything turned out and thanked me for sharing my story.

It was a very special experience. Thank you, again, Leah! You better believe I rushed home to snuggle our little Lola.

PicMonkey Collage1

Meeting Christina Perri – Hard Rock Cafe, April 2, 2014

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Filed Under: aunt leah, DMB, infertility, lyrics, movies, music Tagged With: aunt leah, Christina Perri, DMB, infertility, lyrics, movies, music

All My Bags Are Packed

Posted on January 7, 2014 Written by Tonya

I’ve only been once before and it was over four years ago, but once again, I am about to embark on a journey of a lifetime and I can’t wait. There was a large part of me that didn’t think I’d ever be back here.  

robe, slippers, warm socks,

I had a relatively good time the first time around, although I had no clue what to expect and nothing to compare it to. All I remember about my last visit was feeling equal parts petrified and excited and so much love.

hair dryer, hair ties, face wash, make up bag,

I pulled up my old check list as I tried to recall what I brought along last time, what I actually needed and what I could have used but didn’t have.

favorite snacks, phone charger, books and magazines for any downtime,

I had friends remind me and did some research on the Internet.

important documents (health insurance card, per-registration papers, birth plan), pen and paper, prescription medications,

It’s a rare occasion when you don’t know exactly when you’ll be leaving or how long you might be staying.

mementos from home, a present for big brother, my own pillow,

Where I’m going, there is no need for a reservation, ticket or passport. Turns out  my destination is just 2.58 miles away from my house, but this is a trip that will change my and my family’s lives forever. I’m ready!

and one very special going home outfit.

suitcase

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Filed Under: lyrics, pregnancy, pregnancy2, vacation Tagged With: lyrics, pregnancy, pregnancy2, vacation

Dear Baby Girl

Posted on December 31, 2013 Written by Tonya

My first Letters For Lucas post was Dear Baby Boy, a letter I wrote to Lucas before he was born. I wrote this letter when my heart was light and my cares were few. I was bursting in anticipation to meet our son and loved every minute of being pregnant with him. Looking back, I took my entire pregnancy for granted. I was native. I didn’t realize at the time what a miracle getting pregnant and staying pregnant was. A long hard three and half year battle with secondary infertility would teach me what a gift bringing a child into this world truly is.

Our baby girl will be here very soon and I know her arrival is going to be something I will have a hard time putting into words. It’s hard for my brain to go there even now as I feel her slowly move and adjust inside my belly. I can’t wait to meet her and hold her and kiss her and be her mother. 

I wrote the following letter on Sunday, December 22 at 3:53 AM, I was 35 weeks pregnant:

Dear Baby Girl,

In just a few short weeks you will be here and I’m feeling surreal, scared and overwhelmingly happy. Finally, after years of trying, years of hoping and wishing and praying for you, you will be here.

My daughter. I never thought I would be the mother of a daughter, but now I can’t wait! It is such a wonderful time to be a woman in this world and I already know what a fighter you are.

You aren’t even here yet and I have fallen madly and completely in love with you and you will never know how much I have dreamt about the day we meet, in fact just thinking about it makes my heart twinge and eyes fill with tears. You are so very wanted and we have been waiting for you for so very long.

This is an exciting time for our family, we just moved into a beautiful new house but I know it won’t be until after your arrival that it starts to feel like a home; that it feels complete.

Your brother is anxious to meet you too and is already very protective of you. I hope the two of you will be the best of friends and that you protect him as well. He is an amazing boy and I know he will be a good big brother to you. Some day when your father and I are gone, he will be all you have left of us. Be there for one another and always be strengthening your relationship.

I know that you and I will have our ups and downs but we are forever bonded as mother and daughter and I will cherish you and our relationship always. May you never ever doubt my love.

Anxiously awaiting your arrival.

With all my love,
your mother

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more.

– A Thousand Years, Christina Perri

(This was my “go to” song so many times throughout this journey to have you and I love the lyrics.)

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Filed Under: gratitude, home, infertility, love, lyrics, motherhood, MY FIRST POST, my letters, pregnancy2, siblings Tagged With: gratitude, home, infertility, love, lyrics, motherhood, MY FIST POST, my letters, pregnancy2, siblings

Childhood Classics

Posted on October 3, 2013 Written by Tonya

Play Doh, Crayola crayons, Hop Scotch, Dr. Seuss, Monopoly, Legos, the familiar jingle of ice cream trucks, cannon balls, balloon animals, Disneyland, peanut butter & jelly, hide and seek, cartoons and silly, albeit inappropriate songs…

I love how some things about childhood are timeless.

“Trick or treat, smell my feet, give me something good to eat.
If you don’t, I don’t care, I’ll pull down your underwear.”


This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 5. Something your child learned this week.

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Hold On My Heart

Posted on July 22, 2013 Written by Tonya

Hold on my heart

We can do this.

There have been high expectations.

We have fought the good fight. Repeatedly.

We’ve lost. Repeatedly.

Just hold on to that feeling

You have been cracked wide open, turned inside out and put back together again.

You have been brought to your knees with grief.

You have willed yourself to get out of bed in the morning; to just keep it together.

We both know we’ve been here before

The fortress is sky high around you.

But, I have to protect you.

Or do I?

Clam up, push, walk away, avoid confrontation; anything to prevent truly exploring the feelings.

I don’t want to talk about it.

I need to keep it safe, bottled up.

We both know what can happen

And where has it got me, all this careful protection?

Guarding my heart and closing up tight does not shield me from being hurt. In fact, it does just the opposite.

There is no way to insulate from pain.

Hold on my heart

Pain is a regular part of life and if we love deeply and move through our life with conviction, determination and passion, we can be hurt deeply.

It’s a risk.

Throw me a lifeline

But a good one to take.

I can do this.

It’s going to be a bumpy ride, but I can definitely do this.

heart

Hold On My Heart lyrics by Michael Rutherford, Phil Collins, and Tony Banks.

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Filed Under: challenges, depression, difficult subjects, grief, life, lyrics Tagged With: challenges, depression, difficult subjects, grief, life, lyrics

Who You Might Have Been

Posted on January 28, 2013 Written by Tonya

It ain’t fair; you died too young, Like the story that had just begun, But death tore the pages all away. God knows how I miss you, All the hell that I’ve been through, Just knowin’ no-one could take your place. An’ sometimes I wonder, Who’d you be today? – Kenny Chesney

The image is fixed in my mind.

My parents would grow old. Crotchety and set in their ways, but always my pillars of strength.

My parents would grow old together.

They would retire and live off of their investments and savings.

They would take a cruise and travel to places they’d never been, like Australia and Hawaii. Maybe relax for a change.  

They would love my son to pieces and relish being active and present grandparents.

I’d like to think they might have made a move from Arizona to Southern California to be closer to us. I can see them in a condo near the beach and my mother’s skin golden brown all year long.

There would be daily phone calls and frequent visits, long conversations about how I was as a child compared to Lucas’ latest phase. We’d talk about the far away places they’d lived, politics and books we were all reading and promise to share them when we were done.

My father might’ve bought that ship and mail business that he always talked about or maybe he would have invested in his favorite used bookstore in Tucson. Perhaps he’d consult school administrators working in small overseas schools around the world.

My mother might of continued substitute teaching never fully able to be away away from young children. Perhaps she would have volunteered at the local library or became a sales associate at a teaching store.

I wonder if she would made an effort to lose all the excess weight she carried. I’d like to think they both would have started a health kick; bought a juicer, purchased a treadmill, joined a gym and taken better care of themselves.

I’ll never know who they would’ve been or what they’d be doing now, but the image of them being here is fixed firmly in my mind.

Catalina Island, 2005

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Filed Under: grief, KRA, loss, lyrics, MSA Tagged With: grief, KRA, loss, lyrics, MSA

This Is Childhood

Posted on January 19, 2013 Written by Tonya

One of the things I love most about being a mom is the unexpected moments that literally stop me in my tracks, moments that couldn’t be planned or posed, even if I tried, moments of pure innocence and pure joy.

These candid moments make childhood special.

These moments make up childhood… skinned knees, whimsy and wonder, drawing with chalk in sun, tenderly feeding a bunny, play and discovery, picking out a treat at the movie theater, falling asleep amidst a pile of books, hanging upside down from a tire swing and slurping up what’s left of the milk from a cereal bowl. 

These moments make me so happy to be this boy’s mom.

bandaid

globe

chalk

bunny

bucket

movies

books

puzzle

tire

cereal

pbandj

“You help me see the beauty in everything.” – Kelly Clarkson, Catch My Breath

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Playlist

Posted on December 13, 2012 Written by Tonya

Music helps me.

For as long as I can remember I have sang along to my favorite songs and other tunes that I just couldn’t escape. For every major milestone in my life, I can associate a song. Certain lyrics speak to me and make me feel better; or worse depending on my mood. But they always assure me I am in good company; that someone in the world has felt exactly what I am.

I’ve shared some of my favorite workout tunes before and that playlist is ever growing and changing. I need songs to lift me up and give me that extra ump to sweat a little longer, run a little faster and challenge myself.

I’ve had a little bit too much
All of the people start to rush.
Start to rush babe.
A dizzy twister dance
Can’t find my drink or man.
Where are my keys, I lost my phone.

Just Dance – Lady Gaga

While planning my wedding I put together a playlist of timeless love songs and listened to it as I got ready, walked down the stairs of our house, out into our backyard and met my groom. From there on, a solo guitarist took over, but whenever I play that playlist, I am right back there taking my father arm and descending the staircase.

You know me better than that
Think I’d leave you down
When you’re down on your knees?
I wouldn’t do that


By Your Side – Sade

When my parents died, I created a playlist of songs that would guarantee to make me cry. Like big ugly, crocodile tears cry because sometimes I’d walk around for days with a lump in my throat and finally just had to let it out. I’d give in, press play on a playlist I called “Amazing Grace” because that was one of my mother’s favorite songs and let the tears flow. It is a healing mix of deeply personal songs and family favorites and I always felt a little better afterward hearing it. A good cry often has that effect.

But all that I know is I’m breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

Keep Breathing – Ingrid Michaelson

Before Lucas was born I put together a collection of songs aptly titled, “Birth Day” that I had hoped to listen to while in labor. Things moved too fast for me to even grab my iPod the night he was born, but I listened to that compilation over and over and over in the weeks and days leading up to his arrival. The songs were dreams I had for my son, uplifting and hopeful.

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

My Wish – Rascal Flatts

This year I made a new playlist full of songs of empowerment, triumph,  strength and promise. Each one screams: don’t give up! They have become my anthems.

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

A Thousand Years – Christina Perri

I am pretty sure the artists included on this list weren’t singing about infertility, but they work.

For me.

What are your go-to songs when you need a good cry, a swift kick in the pants or gobs of inspiration?

 

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Filed Under: challenges, exercise, list, love, lyrics, music, pregnancy, question Tagged With: challenges, exercise, list, love, lyrics, music, pregnancy, question, secondary infertility

Sound Off

Posted on September 12, 2012 Written by Tonya

Lucas is asleep after a busy morning of swim lessons and errand running. Charlie Pasta is napping at my feet. My gentle typing reminds me that I am on borrowed time.

I know school is out because children whiz by on the sidewalk on skateboards, scooters and bicycles chattering at one another.

Cars drive down our street too fast. It’s one of the few things we have always disliked about this neighborhood.

I’m on my second load of laundry for the day and the clothes in the dryer whirl around and around. I can hear zippers and buttons clanging against the metal.

Soon the annoying buzzer will beckon me, but until then I will get lost in Dave Matthews Band’s latest offering, Away from the World. The lyrics to Drunken Solider, a song I have only heard once before are coming out of my laptop and they are stunning and demand my attention:

Make the most of what you’ve got
Don’t waste time being trying to be something you’re not
Fill up your head and fill up you heart and take your shot
Don’t waste time trying to be something you’re not

A large brown van slows to a stop in front of our house and then slowly backs up along the curb. BEEP BEEP BEEP. Alas the delivery is NOT for me.

The quiet bubbling filter on the fish tank is in the background.

An airplane rumbles overhead.

I sneeze and the dog decides he needs to go out.

All of a sudden, as if they planned it, I hear the familiar squeak of my three year old’s bedroom door opening. 

What do you hear?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop. Prompt #2 Listen to the sounds in your house for 5 or 10 minutes. Write about what you hear. (Inspired by The Aums)

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Filed Under: DMB, lyrics, mama kat's writer's workshop, puppy Tagged With: DMB, lyrics, mama kat's writer's workshop, puppy

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