Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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One Year Ago

Posted on November 20, 2014 Written by Tonya

It was the week of Thanksgiving.

I was 30 weeks pregnant.

We were surrounded by boxes. So many boxes!

We were beyond grateful to bid farewell to the small apartment we had lived in for nine months.

Our search for a new home had finally come to an end.

A year ago, as we fell into bed exhausted we listened to the sounds we are now accustomed to coming from our house and neighborhood and dreamed of filling cupboards and closets, covering the walls with our favorite art and photographs, furnishing a nursery and making family memories.

My belly was big and round and my back ached but I was happy. I was anxious to be settled, decorate for the holidays and mail our Christmas cards, which included our new address.

I can’t believe we have been in this house for a year. It seems so much smaller now and there are things we still want to (and need to) do. I guess that happens once you grow comfortable in your space.

In many ways our lives are the same as they were a year ago, but in the best ways, they have changed. 

fence

Yes, we really do have a white picket fence.

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Filed Under: family, holidays, home, memories, milestones, move, pregnancy2 Tagged With: family, holidays, home, memories, milestones, move, pregnancy2

What I’ll Miss

Posted on October 27, 2014 Written by Tonya

As I sit down on the couch to fold a load of my children’s clothes, still fresh and warm from the dryer I start to think of all the things I am going to miss.

Lola’s owl pajamas trimmed in sea foam green, the long-sleeve onesie that says “I love Daddy” across the front, Lucas’s Star Wars and superhero T-shirts, socks embedded with sand, and a pair of camouflage pants with a stain on the knee that no matter how hard I try, can’t seem to remove.

These little clothes.

They are outgrowing them faster than I’d like.

Faster than I imagined.

There’s other things too; morning “Mommy snuggles”, as Lucas calls them, him telling me I’m beautiful, coming up behind me and hugging my legs, asking for one more book or to “play with me”, his sneaky screen time shenanigans/negotiations, willingly wearing whatever I lay out for him each day and the questions. So many questions! Someday he’ll know more than me and have way more credible sources.

Lola is on her way to walking and with that will come a freedom she’s never known. It’s an exciting and witnessing a baby experience things for the first time is pure magic. Right now it is a daily occurrence and so hard to believe we are nine months into a year of her firsts.

It goes by fast. I’ve heard it from day one of becoming a mother and it’s true. Cliché, but the truest statement about parenthood.

One day you’re rocking your newborn to sleep in a freshly painted nursery with new sheets on a crib surrounded by stuffed animals and diapers and other baby paraphernalia you never even knew existed trying to remember the words to “Hush, Little Baby” and the next, you’re sending them off to kindergarten with a backpack twice their size, reviewing sight words, hosting sleepovers, building with Legos and worried that soon you won’t be able to pick them up any longer.

I love being a mother. I especially love being a mother to Lucas and Lola. Each day is eerily similar but also very different from the last.

I adore these children, these little humans full of life and love and growing and changing right before my eyes. There are more things than I cannot count about these precious days and these precious people I will miss.

what i'll miss

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Filed Under: children, clothes, gratitude, love, memories, motherhood, parenthood Tagged With: children, gratitude, love, memories, motherhood, parenthood

Especially In October

Posted on October 7, 2014 Written by Tonya

An audible groan escapes my body as I turn the page on the calendar.

You’d never know it was Fall in Southern California based on the heat we have been experiencing. That coupled with the heavy emotion that accompanies October, it is has become my least favorite month of the year. 

The anniversary of my parents deaths always evokes powerful memories of the feelings and events surrounding the early morning hours of October 15, 2007 and the days that followed. I can recall in great detail where I was, what I was doing and even what I was wearing the night my sister called to tell me they had died. Although I have never worn them again, I still own those pajamas. I can’t seem to part with them.

I remember being grateful for all the tasks at hand so that I wouldn’t just sit and cry. There were many scheduled overseas phone calls, the repatriation of my parents bodies, obtaining toxicology reports and death certificates. Not only did I feel like I was in the middle of my worst nightmare, but the pages of a crime novel.

We had to locate their will to ensure their wishes were met, contact and meet with a funeral home, write two obituaries, read through countless condolence e-mails and field questions from family and friends. There was so much to do and I had never felt that level of exhaustion before.

I also remember waking up for days with tear stained cheeks and also not really being able to look anyone in the eye for fear of completely losing it. 

Seven years later, it is still hard to speak of my mom and dad in the past tense. There are things about them that have grown fuzzy and many I’ll never forget. Bittersweet memories have become part of my life, they are woven into the very marrow of my being and the sadness is permanent and irrevocable.

I’m grateful it is not the first thing on my mind when I wake up in the morning anymore. And yet, at least a dozen times a day it crosses my mind. More so in October.

I find ways of working them into conversations as I attempt to hold on to them and to help my son know them as I did. Of course, I realize that will be my lifelong struggle. And now that I’m a parent, I wonder if I ever really knew them myself. I always miss them.

Grief gets better, more manageable over time. I have learned to live with it as it comes and goes and I know the path toward healing and finding peace is a long one.

Especially in October.

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Filed Under: death, grief, KRA, loss, memories, MSA Tagged With: death, grief, KRA, loss, memoires, MSA

Special

Posted on June 6, 2014 Written by Tonya

When you are a child, birthdays are magical and it’s important to acknowledge that and make them feel out of this world special. That has been my sole goal with my little birthday boy.

We have been preparing all week for Lucas’s birthday. Really, for the last month. From making decisions about what kind of party he wants to the guest list and menu and of course, his wish list. Plus, there’s all the behind the scenes activities like ordering cake toppers and favors from Amazon and praying that everything arrives on time!

He appeared in our bedroom doorway just after 6 o’clock this morning.

I saw the balloons in my room and on the stairs and followed them. There are presents! Can we open them?

We celebrated this morning and left him at preschool with snacks and cookies for his class (the store bought chocked full of preservatives kind, his choice!) and tonight we will go to one of his favorite restaurants for dinner. It’s either going to be Red Robin or The Old Spaghetti Factory. At Red Robin we will play I Spy and at The Old Spaghetti Factory he’ll insist on sitting in the trolley. Either place, he’ll order pasta.

He must have thanked us half a dozen times for the gifts he received this morning. I love that!

Do I sound older? Do I look older? I don’t feel older.

On Sunday there will be a party at a popular bounce house place where Lucas and 25 of his “closest” friends will take over. Pizza and cake (that I have yet to make) will be served. 

Family from out of town is coming to visit and there will be more sweets and more presents and hopefully this will be a birthday celebration that Lucas will always remember. And above all, I hope he feels special and so very loved.

bday2

We marvel over our five year old!

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Filed Under: birthdays, conversations with Lucas, family, friends, love, memories, milestones, photos Tagged With: birthdays, conversations with Lucas, family, friends, love, memories, milestones, photos

Before Turning Five

Posted on May 30, 2014 Written by Tonya

I have been feeling nostalgic, extremely proud, a little sad and slightly offended by the passing of time lately. A week from today my son, my firstborn and the one who made me a mama will be turning five. Five!!

Lucas is an awesome kid with a silly sense of humor and an undying curiosity, two traits I hope he always possesses. He’s also a sweet sensitive little boy and is learning how to be more independent and how to take no for an answer.

My son had a banner year and I couldn’t possibly list all of his accomplishments (yes, this is going to be one of those posts) but I would like to share a few that stand out for me. In no particular order:

As a family we survived a nine month stint in a tiny two bedroom apartment while we searched for a house and while he mirrored my frustration with our living situation, Lucas really made the best of it and out of all of us was the most adaptable. He also served as an active participant in our home search and shared his desire for a backyard and missing his trampoline and a dedicated play area. He was patient and understanding through our moves.

Twice this year Lucas has gone through his toys and allowed us to either set some things aside for his little sister to play with someday or give items to goodwill. This is not an easy feat for children but he did it with ease and graciousness.

I will always remember this as the year Lucas went from being obsessed with Cars to being obsessed with Star Wars. We are currently up to our eyeballs in Jedi, droids and intergalactic battles. Enough said.

In January, Lucas was moved into the upper Pre-K class at his current preschool and in March was accepted into a local prestigious private school where he will begin kindergarten this fall. He was one of only 17 students out of 70 accepted! We are excited about next school year and all the new things Lucas will be exposed to.

One of Lucas and his dad’s favorite things to do together is go skateboarding and over the last year, Lucas has become proficient at it! He practices safety and caution while at the same time pushing himself and being daring in spite of a few skinned knees and elbows. 

Over Memorial Day weekend, we hosted Lucas’s first sleep over and it was fun, but also a tiny glimpse into our future of being cast aside in favor of being with friends.

Just yesterday, Lucas earned a yellow belt in karate, a sport he’s only been participating in since mid-January. He’d been practicing for days, worked with a friend and his sensi to perfect the series of moves and announced on the way to class that he was ready to test. He said advancing to the next level was something that he wanted to do before turning five and he did it!

One of Lucas’s biggest accomplishments this year was becoming a big brother, a role that he seemed born to have. At only four months old, Lola idolizes him and has since the very first moment they met and he is completely enamored by her. Watching their relationship grow and develop and seeing Lucas’s nurturing side has been one of my greatest joys. I knew it would be!

Being a good sibling and working hard towards something he wants were major themes for this year and prompted a lot of discussions about what being a good role model means. I’m happy to be this amazing boy’s mom and he delights and surprises me daily. I can’t wait to see what five has in store for us.

Next up? In his words, “mastering the art of tying my shoes!”.

Lucas, my sweet boy, you have all the time in the world for that. Enjoy your last week of being four. I love you.

lmw

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Filed Under: birthdays, list, love, memories, milestones, motherhood, parenting, praise, raising boys, siblings Tagged With: birthdays, list, love, memories, milestones, motherhood, parenting, praise, raising boys, siblings

Vacation

Posted on May 15, 2014 Written by Tonya

I have sipped wine at Les Deux Magots cafe in Paris, climbed a pyramid in Egypt, laid like broccoli pool side in Hawaii, marveled at the Grand Canyon, sounded like a fool using my broken Spanish in Cabo San Lucas and got caught in the freezing rain with my three year old in Vancouver.

Growing up overseas gave me the travel bug and I have always loved it!  I believe wanderlust is a wonderful thing. But vacations can be different and I’ve taken many kinds of trips… there are girl’s trips, couples retreats, action-packed tourist attractions rich with history, two-fer destinations, where you get to see family and friends but also the opportunity to explore a new place, road trips, camping excursions and good old fashioned long weekends.

Who doesn’t love vacation? If we are lucky we get away a couple of times a year and it’s never enough. Vacation recharges us, makes the everyday bearable, gives us something to look forward to, get in shape for and save up for. Vacation is glorious!

13 Things I Love About Vacation (in no particular order):

1. No schedule.

2. No laundry.

3. No meal planning, grocery shopping or cooking!

4. Hotels.

5. Room service (on occasion).

6. The experience to see, do and try new things (food, culture, environment or activity).

7. Being on vacation means my family is all together and we’re bonding.

8. Getting to meet new people and possibly making lifelong friends.

9. Procuring souvenirs or small trinkets that will forever remind us of our time away.

10. Making lasting memories.

11. The opportunity to take great photographs.

12. Being out of touch for a while. I don’t know about you, but I rarely watch the news or pay attention to headlines when I’m away from home and I try to unplug too.

13. Finding inspiration to create, write, laugh, let go and just be. 

here

Taken Labor Day weekend, 2013 – La Jolla, California

I love this passage from Wanderlust For One:

Travel is not just recreation. It is re-creation. Through travel, I come face to face with the unknown and the unfamiliar disrupts the familiar. Travel throws me off balance while helping me to find it again. It reawakens my childlike wonder and reaffirms my sense of self. Travel makes me approach my life with a fresh perspective. It deconstructs my cozy, comfortable existence and teaches me…

What do you love about vacation?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt 2.) List 13 things you love about vacation.

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Filed Under: family, friends, list, mama kat's writer's workshop, memories, question, quotes, travel, vacation Tagged With: family, friends, list, mama kat's writer's workshop, memories, question, quotes, travel, vacation

The Year That Was

Posted on January 1, 2014 Written by Tonya

I love new years, fresh starts and having a calendar full of blank pages just aching to be filled with fun activities and new memories.

I also enjoy looking back on the year that was and 2013 was a big one for me and my family. Here are some of our highlights, many of which I have shared here, click on links for posts you may have missed.

January
I discovered Cardio Barre and became obsessed, attending classes two to three times per week through May.

My first infertility post ran on SheKnows. The column ran for six months and still helps woman today.

February
I submitted a piece I wrote called We Are Enemies to Listen To Your Mother in Sacramento.

March
I auditioned for Listen To Your Mother and was selected to be a part of the 2013 cast!

We were kicked out of the house we were renting because of our dog and moved into a two-bedroom apartment.

On St. Patrick’s Day, I had my second egg retrieval.

My girlfriend and I attended a Sweet 16 NCAA basketball game… U of A (our alma mater) vs. Ohio.

April
In order to detox, I drank a smoothie a day for the entire month and went on a strict no buying program!

May
We transferred one embryo and it worked!!

I met my sister’s boyfriend for the first time.

June
Charlie Pasta turned one year old!

Lucas turned four years old!

I saw Mumford & Sons and Beyonce in concert.

Lucas went to his first baseball game.

After the better part of five years, my sister and I finally sold our parents house in Tucson.

I celebrated my 41st birthday.

July
We spent Fourth of July weekend in Santa Barbara.

I made it to 12 weeks!

I saw Justin Timberlake and Jay Z in concert and to date, it was one of the best!!

August
My husband and I celebrated our sixth anniversary and we found out we were having a girl!

Lucas spent three nights with his grandparents while Todd and I were in Monterrey.

Lucas and I spent a fun beach day with Robin and her family in San Diego.

I graduated from my fertility doctor’s office.

Letters for Lucas turned four years old!

September
We spent Labor Day weekend in La Jolla.

My dear friend, Nichole flew down from Sacramento for one night to join me at a Dave Matthews Band concert.

October
We lit sky lanterns and remembered our parents six years later.

I saw Katy Perry & Friends in concert with my sister.

My sister and I took Lucas to visit my aunt and uncle in Dallas.

November
We moved into our new house!!

I saw Justin Timberlake in concert again!

I made it to the critical 32 week point of my pregnancy.

December
Lucas started going to preschool four days a week

We hosted Christmas in our new house.

I calculated that I walked 365 miles this year!

I’m looking forward to all that lies ahead and wishing each of you a brilliant 2014!

new year

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Filed Under: DMB, family, friends, IVF, list, Listen To Your Mother, memories, milestones, new year, pregnancy2, SheKnows, vacation Tagged With: DMB, family, friends, IVF, list, Listen To Your Mother, memories, milestones, new year, pregnancy2, SheKnows, vacation

How I Beat The Post-Holiday Blues

Posted on December 28, 2013 Written by Tonya

Our first Christmas in our new house was a memorable one and the 75+ degree temperatures have been weird and wonderful. I loved having my in-laws, sister and her boyfriend staying with us and still can’t believe all of my recipes turned out exactly the way they were suppose to. I think spent more time in the kitchen over the last week than I have all year (more on this in another post)! And nothing can compare to a child’s excitement over Santa’s arrival. Lucas was a ball of energy all week!

But now it’s over.

Just like that.

For me the worst part of Christmas is the aftermath: the tree has been taken down, most of the gifts have either been exchanged, returned for the correct size or put away, the last of the pie has been eaten, family and friends have gone home, the mailbox is no longer bursting with greetings and thank you cards have been started.

It’s sad.

So much excitement and anticipation goes into prepping for the holidays and then all at once, it’s over and the warm fuzzy feelings disappear.

Here are some ways I like to combat the post-holiday blues:

  • Create a scrapbook or fun collage to commemorate holiday memories.

PicMonkey Collage2

  • Begin (or in my case, resume) an exercise program. I went for a walk this morning and it was mind clearing and felt great.
  • Daydream about summer and our next family vacation. We’re thinking Mexico and yes, with a new baby!
  • Do something productive… as if I haven’t been productive the last few months, making a baby and moving, etc., but I spent some time getting Lucas signed up for swim lessons, soccer and researched karate classes. I also packed a bag for the hospital and renewed my domain name. All of these tasks have been on my To Do list for weeks and I’m glad to have them behind me.
  • Treat myself. Like me, chances are you have been cooking and baking for family and friends and buying for others, so now is the time to schedule a massage or hair appointment, or some quiet time alone to curl up with a good book (or my brand new Kindle Paperwhite!!).
  • I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, so I reached out to a friend and we had a great phone call recapping the last few days and planning for the upcoming weeks.

How do you avoid the post holiday blues?

Whatever you do to get through this time, know that these feelings will soon pass and more good times are in store!

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Filed Under: advice, aunt leah, challenges, family, friends, gifts, grandparents, holidays, home, list, me time, memories, photos, pregnancy2, question, vacation, weather Tagged With: advice, aunt leah, challenges, family, freinds, gifts, grandparents, holidays, home, list, me time, photos, pregnancy2, vacation, weather

Stamp Collecting

Posted on December 20, 2013 Written by Tonya

I can picture him now, plain white undershirt and khaki pants, cross legged on the carpet in front of the TV in our living room. Sometimes there would a card table set up and he’d be sitting in a metal folding chair. Either way it always looked completely uncomfortable to me, but I knew this was how he relaxed. He was in his happy place studying stamps, organizing stamps, categorizing stamps. He’d spend hours “playing with his stamps, as we would affectionately call his favorite activity.

There would be a magnifying glass in one hand and a pair of tweezers in the other. Occasionally he would call me over and say, “you have to see this, isn’t it beautiful?” I’d roll my eyes and nod in agreement, “sure is Dad.”

My father had dozens of binders of stamps he had collected from all over the world. They filled the entire closet in his study. He acquired them in all different ways; personally living or visiting the countries of origin, giving money to friends he knew would be somewhere he hadn’t with a request and even ripping them right off envelopes from letters anyone in our family received.

He was a member of several philatelic clubs and his specialty was collecting stamp on stamps, a stamp depicting a stamp.

As one of the world’s most popular hobbies, I never really understood stamp collecting but I certainly can now appreciate how lovely they can be and I’m so happy my dad had this activity.

My sister and I sold the majority of his collection when he and our mother died. Although he had it insured for several thousands of dollars, it wasn’t worth very much. We kept all of his US postage stamps and I haven’t had to purchase a stamp in the last six years because he had that many!

stamps

If you received a holiday card from us then you also received a couple of stamps that my dad collected. I always enjoy flipping through the historic figures, trains, planes, automobiles, endangered species, sports, Olympics, Americana, pop culture, Disney, music legends, athletes, cartoon characters, world events, PSAs, celebrities, tiny insects, gargantuan dinosaurs, shaped stamps, unusual rarities, new stamps, old stamps and everything in between! There’s always a twinge of guilt and I wonder how he’d feel about my actually using them.

My only wish now is knowing how his passion for stamp collecting evolved. I suppose his love of history and curious nature played a large part. I’d think he’d want us to use them and I know he’d love that I am saving some that just seem more special than others for Lucas. Maybe he’ll take after his grandfather…

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Filed Under: grandparents, holidays, memories, MSA, pastime Tagged With: grandparents, holidays, memories, MSA, pastime

My First Time Around

Posted on October 16, 2013 Written by Tonya

Wednesday, October 8, 2008 was a life changing day for me.

It was the day I found out I was pregnant with my son. It was also the day I believe I became a mother.

What an amazing moment/time in my life.

Amazing and completely terrifying!

It wasn’t as though we hadn’t been trying to conceive, we just weren’t trying very hard, in other words, we weren’t taking my temperature, pumping my body full of injections, marking days off on a calendar or any seeking assistance from a reproductive specialist. That would come with baby #2!

My period was seven days late so having just come from working out followed by lunch with a friend, at her urging I took the test.

I stood naked in my bathroom crying. I was elated when I saw the digital word “PREGNANT” pop up on the EPT stick… twice! I kept checking and double checking it over and over.

I was happy, in quite a bit of shock and then I quickly became very worried. I had just returned from a wine tasting (read: binge drinking) weekend with my girlfriends and the week before that my husband and I were on vacation, which involved many, many pool side beers. Needless to say, everything was fine. 

It was overwhelming but also very exciting and I couldn’t wait to share the good news with the daddy-to-be. I will never forget pulling the EPT out of my purse, sliding it across the table at dinner that night and him asking me if it was still wet!

I had no idea what I was in store for, but luckily I had the BEST pregnancy with none of the typical symptoms. No morning sickness, off the wall food cravings or aversions, no heartburn, constipation, bloating or swollen feet. I maintained a high energy level throughout the entire nine months and walked a total of 479.09 miles (yes, I kept track!). Only towards the very end (week 37) did I start to grow increasingly uncomfortable… like I had run out of room. I was having a hard time sleeping and being on my feet for long periods of time and my back hurt all the time, but other than the end, the rest was great. I know, I know, I’m one of those people.

Todd and I enjoyed every minute of reading What To Expect When You’re Expecting out loud to each other in bed late at night, giggling over the fruit and vegetable size references and daydreamed about our different our lives were about to become. 

As we waited, we also did all the usual new expectant parent stuff… Snapped monthly bump photos, shared our good news with family and friends, watched my body change and grow and grow and grow, felt baby kicks, picked out a nursery motif, put together a crib, washed all the tiny articles of clothing and wondered how anyone could really be that small, registered for shower gifts, tested strollers, made lists of names we liked and could agree on, took far too many parenting classes and generally walked around with brighter smiles and springs in our steps than we had ever had before as we happily anticipated our firstborn’s arrival.

It was a magical time.

sunflowers2 14-06-46 3

I was 29 weeks pregnant when this photo was taken by my friend Stephanie of Stephanie Ann Photography


This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 4. Describe your first pregnancy… piece of cake or terrible experience?

A version of this post entitled Happy Anticipation originally appeared on Letters For Lucas on October 8, 2009.

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Filed Under: mama kat's writer's workshop, memories, pregnancy, repost Tagged With: mama kat's writer's workshop, memories, pregnancy, repost

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