confession

Staying Afloat

Posted on February 20, 2012 Written by Tonya

It’s not unusual for me to leave clothes in the washer or dryer overnight or to walk out of the house wearing my slippers, but it is unusual for me to put Windex in the refrigerator, completely miss an appointment that I not only have on my phone calendar with an alarm reminder, but also on my paper calendar.

That’s not like me.

That’s not like me at all.

It’s not unusual for me to have to reheat my tea three times in the morning, only to forget all about it all together in the microwave, however, boiling a pot of water down to nothing *TWICE* while attempting to make Lucas mac and cheese is very unusual.

I’ve turned into a scatterbrain.

I rewrote a “To Do” list the other day that I already written with exactly the same tasks. I’m religious about my lists, almost can’t function without them, especially my grocery lists, but last week I had to go to the grocery store three times because I kept forgetting items that were clearly marked on my list.

I’m spinning my wheels and something is off. I’m snappy and feel the pressure of just barely staying afloat. Something’s going to suffer, it’s inevitable something’s got it give. Sadly, I fear it has been my blog. I haven’t been sharing my thoughts here as much as I would like to (or need to).

I’ve taken on a freelance writing job at Smart Mom Style, which is something that I have wanted for a long time and I am absolutely loving, but I am CLEARLY struggling with balancing it all, keeping my head above water and staying sane at the same time. I feel behind on everything in my life and all out of sorts. I am trying to find the perfect balance (is there such a thing?!) and until I do, my posts here will be scarce.

It’s an age old mommy problem… trying to balance work, home, exercise, “me time”, couple time and quality time with anybody and anything and all without letting a single ball drop.

How do you balance your life, your career, blog and family? How do you stay in control and keep your cool? When are you most productive? Do you wake up before your children so that you can savor a few precious moments to yourself or are you a night owl, like me and stay up way past your bedtime trying to get it all in? Any tips or tricks would be most helpful and appreciated.

Click on image for source.

I’m Jealous Of My Son

Posted on January 25, 2012 Written by Tonya

It must be nice to be a baby.

Everyone gushes over babies.

Everyone wants to hold babies or be close enough to them to take in their scent and hope that some of their innocence, their newness rubs off.

Babies are life-affirming.

Babies and children are lucky.

They have someone at their beck and call 24/7.

They are fed, dressed, played with, fretted over, sang to and rocked to sleep.

When you’re a child, every single one of your needs is met, usually within moments, people hang on your every word and clap and cheer for you when you do something correct, funny or good.

When you’re a child, you can throw a temper tantrum right in the middle of the grocery store and get away with it.

Aside from all the tender loving care (and exemptions) children are given, they have a clean slate.

They are at the beginning.

A new life.

A fresh start.

Children have their whole lives ahead of them…

Nothing to apologize for yet, nothing to regret or take back, no baggage or insecurities; they’ve never experienced true sadness, regret, envy, loss or pride. They haven’t been disappointed or failed at anything.

They live within a protective bubble of their parents arms, the confines of their comforting home and are safe from the big bad world around them.

…at least for a little while.

Children have so many firsts ahead of them, so much to look forward to, so many things to learn, see, do and experience.

Yep, it’s safe to say I’m jealous of my son, all of his firsts and his beautiful, flawless, soft skin too.

Guilty Pleasures

Posted on January 23, 2012 Written by Tonya

Before you watch my Vlog Talk, I’m excited to share that I am this week’s Guest Star at Alison’s (Mama Wants This) place. Please come visit me there after you hear my confession…

This post is for Vlog Talk. The prompt I chose was #2 Favorite guilty pleasures.

Holiday Blues

Posted on December 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

Do you ever feel melancholy during the holidays?

Have you ever wondered how (or why) those around you are so merry and bright?

I do and periodically it makes me want to push cheerful types right into oncoming traffic.

I think it’s pretty common to get the blues this time of the year, or at least I hope so. Well, maybe not the pushing part.

There’s a lot of pressure that comes with the holiday season: over commercialization that begins the day after Halloween, finding the perfect gifts, figuring out to pay for them, taking the perfect photo for your family holiday card, getting them in the mail, decorating your home top to bottom, creating (or maintaining) all those warm and wonderful traditions, etc., etc., etc.

The holidays also mark the end of the year and maybe you haven’t accomplished all that you had hoped to and that’s a tough realization.

This time of the year is meant to be spent with your loved ones, but perhaps you live miles apart and can’t be together or they are no longer with us and the memory of them is easier to conjure.

Maybe there are other reasons that are contributing to your sadness; financial hardship, family feuds, frustrations at work, no job to speak of, it’s too cold, or no special “someone” in your life.

My losses and heartaches are no different than yours, but during this time of the year when To Do lists are long and patience is short, they are a little too close to the surface.

I know that this overwhelming feeling will soon pass and nothing will be sweeter than turning the page on the calendar to a fresh new year full of possibilities.

In the meantime, I am trying not to overindulge or run myself ragged, doing my best to keep up with my exercise routine and taking on each task one at a time. Trust me, I am NOT always this productive.

Whatever your woes, try to find something this holiday season to make you smile and press on. It’ll be over soon and you don’t want to miss it!

Would this help?

Do you experience holiday blues? How do you manage your stress level?

Being Human

Posted on December 3, 2011 Written by Tonya

This week I received two birth announcements, learned that three friends are newly pregnant and to really rub it in, a darling new baby boutique just opened down the street from my house. Don’t even get me started on the Duggar’s.

Seriously, it is enough to push me right over the edge, but I won’t let it.

This year I suffered two miscarriages, my third and fourth, one in January and one in November. The latter was via IVF. Nice way to bookend the year, huh?

I’m allowed to be a little edgy, aren’t I?

Before this gets too ranty, I am truly happy for my friends and their new little bundles of joy and very excited for the others that are anticipating their second, third and FOURTH children.

I am also more grateful than words could ever express for my son, Lucas. He is a gift and some days I think if it weren’t for his smiling little face, I don’t know what I would do.

And to set the record straight, I don’t really feel as though anything is being “rubbed in my face”. Not intentionally anyway. Good news is meant to be shared and I love good news!

I have a deeper respect for my friend Coreen, who called to tell me about her new addition personally. Thank you, Coreen, I’m wishing you nothing but the best. xoxo

I’m just sad and frustrated and confused and completely inpatient. Not to mention, angry at my body’s unwillingness to cooperate one more time. I’m only human and I know that my feelings are normal, but DAMN IT, I hate that I have them. I hate that I feel like a failure. I hate not knowing what’s wrong, I hate the aging process and what it does to your reproductive system, I hate having my nerves on full alert, I hate doctor’s offices, shots, blood draws, waiting, worrying [please stop me anytime], but I mostly hate grieving for someone I’ve never even met.

HOWEVER, at the end of the day I remain hopeful and I know someday, somehow, I will have good news of my own to share.

Me

Posted on November 30, 2011 Written by Tonya

5 Things You Don’t Know About Me:
1. I’m always on time, sometimes even early.
2. I’m as loyal as a dog. Unless you cross me or enjoy creating drama for the sake of drama, I’ll be yours til the end.
3. Name an artist and I can [probably] sing one of their songs. This is a great party trick.
4. I am FIERCELY competitive. Trust me, you want to be on my team when playing Scene It, Trivial Pursuit or Taboo.
5. When watching movies at home, I use subtitles because I don’t want to miss a word.

5 Things I’m Knowledgeable About:
1. Acting like I know what I’m doing.
2. Moving. I’ve moved 14 times since 1991 so I consider myself a pro.
3. Locating a book at the bookstore or library without any assistance.
4. I am uber organized, as in file folders with labels-containers of all shapes and sizes-everything has it’s place kind of way.
5. I’m a really good marketer. Ever since I was 14 I wanted to work in advertising and for 10 years I did before becoming a mother and now I help a few people market their small businesses and help them break into social media and I still love it!

5 Things I Know Nothing About:
1. Applying eye make-up.
2. Changing a tire.
3. Lighting a fire.
4. Cooking. Seriously, I burn rice.
5. Driving a manual transmission vehicle.

5 Things I Believe:
1. I believe in the power of positive thinking, a hug, hot shower, long walk, one-on-one time with someone you love, a good cry, a glass of wine and children’s laughter.
2. I believe everything happens for a reason and while I may not always know what it is, I’m determined to learn from it…. eventually.
3. I believe that motherhood is the toughest job on the planet and something I was meant to do.
4. I believe that life is short and there is absolutely no use walking around pissed off at the world.
5. I believe in Santa Claus.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 2.) Five Things. List 5 things we don’t know about you, 5 things you’re knowledgeable about, 5 things you know nothing about, and 5 things you believe. (inspired by LouLou’s Views)

Plastic

Posted on November 9, 2011 Written by Tonya

I applied for and received my first credit card in 1994. I was 22 and a Junior in college. I was given a $400 credit limit to shop to my heart’s content at Victoria’s Secret [insert eye roll here] and I thought I was hot shit!

I didn’t know a thing about credit.

All I knew was I loved the idea of buying now and somehow paying later. I had a part-time job at Pier One Imports. I figured I would figure it out.

Of course, one credit card led to another and then another…

Once you were “in” with the Express/Limited family, all sorts of retailers welcomed you with credit lines. Department store credit cards soon followed and at one point, I had them all; Macy’s, Bloomingdale’s, Nordstrom’s, Neiman Marcus, etc. Many stores I didn’t even shop at.

Soon I had a wallet full of shiny plastic cards.

I am ashamed to admit that after opening one of the statements (also known as a BILL, I came to find out), my curious father paid off my plastic addiction. Well, first he had a fit and screamed and yelled and then he paid my off all of credit cards.

All the cards were promptly cut up in a ceremony sitting around our kitchen table. There was more yelling, many tears and relief.

None of the balances ever amounted to much, $80 here, $115 there, but my little part-time job wasn’t cutting it and it was time for me to face reality. In total, my parents paid off almost $1500. I was ashamed and vowed I would never let that happen again.

After that, I got smart (or so I thought) and used only one very special Visa card, which I proceeded to rack up a balance WAY more than $1500. I was not going to let my parents bail me out this time.

Although, they did but I don’t think they ever knew it.

When I graduated from college, my parents gave me enough money to live on for one year as a graduation gift. This included rent, utilities and car maintenance (gas and insurance). The check was written to me and I promptly turned around and paid Visa off in full! I was out of debt and also jobless.

Needless to say, I took the first $23,000/year position offered to me and never looked back.

I’ve always struggled with credit cards but I’ve never let myself get into debt again like those early years. I worked hard to stick to a budget and live with in my means but that always meant paycheck to paycheck for me.

Long story short, I’ve never been good with money, I suck at math and while I’m not a big shopper, I’m also not a big saver.

My husband and I sit down several times a year and review our spending, where we’re at financially and what our goals are. I am BEYOND grateful, completely relieved and much happier that he handles all of the bills and budget and anything and everything else pertaining to money in our home.

It’s just better this way.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, Prompt 2.) One good reason why you are not in charge of your family’s finances.

SAHM

Posted on May 31, 2011 Written by Tonya

The other day, I read (and re-tweeted) two lists: 10 Things Never to Say to a Stay-at-Home Mom and 10 Things Never to Say to a Working Mom and both lists got me thinking about my SAHM role.

It’s been almost two years since I became a stay-at-home mom and honestly, I’m still getting used to it.

Sure, I have somewhat of a schedule: music class on Mondays, tumble class on Wednesdays, nanny help for a few hours on Tuesdays and Thursdays and a free-for-all Friday. No matter what, we get out of the house. For my sanity, just as much as Lucas’.

I like to say I’m a stay-at-home mom, that does anything but stay at home.

Apart from the classes, we have passes to Legoland, Disneyland and the zoo. There are also weekly visits to parks, libraries, toy stores, pet stores, book stores and Daddy’s office. When we’re not out and about, we’ve got a host of in-door activities, but if given the option, I’d rather be out! At home, there’s the Internet, TV, laundry and other chores. Plus, some days it feels like the walls are coming in on us.

If I was stuck inside all day every day, I would certainly lose my mind. So while I don’t have meetings to attend or a closet full of suits to wear anymore, I plan, I schedule, I organize, I manage, I orchestrate, I clean, I cook (sort of), I live for nap time, me time and date nights all while staying at home. Whatever that means…

Slowly but surely, I’m learning to embrace being a SAHM, but I’d be lying if I said that didn’t spend a lot of time day dreaming about returning to work full time.

On one hand, I can’t imagine having anyone else spend as much time with Lucas as I get to or allowing them to be such an active participate in his growth and development. I do realize how lucky I am that I am his primary care giver, but on the other hand, there are days that I would give my right arm to have a 7:30 meeting and drop him off somewhere along the way.

It’s an age-old argument, but as I see it, being a mom, stay at home or not, is hard work. No matter where you do it from.

For some, returning to work is a financial necessity and not a choice. I get that. And when I think about being a SAHM in those terms, I know I’m one of the fortunate ones.

Are you at stay-at-home mom? If so, is it by choice? Do you miss working?

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These Are My Confessions…

Posted on November 11, 2010 Written by Tonya

Here goes nothing… a list of all (some) of my weird, embarrassing, illegal and shameful activities. I am sure there are more where these came from, but let’s just start here.

Please don’t judge.

I steal magazines from my doctor’s office.
I let the gas in my car get dangerously low before I fuel up. We’re talking single digits.
I have had the same three Netflix movies for four months. What a waste of $68!
I color my hair and only wash it every three days.
I screen my phone calls.
I make our bed within minutes of getting up in the morning.
I miss working.
I want to rip a person’s arm off if they take food from my plate.
I listen to audio books when I walk.
I cheat at Scrabble, but rarely win.
I let Lucas watch too much TV.
I watch too much TV.
I record Oprah every day and I’ll cry when this season is over.
I have never read one single Harry Potter book, nor have I seen any of the movies.
I don’t like to eat leftovers.
I think there should be a ban on onions. I love the way they taste, but can’t stand the way they make my house smell.
I can’t get one hand wet without getting the other one wet too.
I can rarely listen to a song without singing along.
I can’t stand people that can’t show up on time.
I stole some erasers and gum from a convenience store when I was in the fifth grade and gold charms with my BFF Sophie when we were in junior high.
I use subtitles when I watch movies at home.
I drive over the speed limit and have been know to tail gate.
I’d rather send an e-mail than pick up the phone.
I once “borrowed” a scarf from a friend that I never returned.
I don’t like fish.
I still have thank you cards to send for gifts we received when Lucas was born.
I recently bought a Justin Beiber song on iTunes, of course, if you got your hands on my iPod, you’d think I was schizophrenic.
I floss my teeth (when I floss) before I brush them.

So, there you have it. Well, some of it. What dirty little secrets are your hiding?

This post is forMama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop– Prompt #2: What are your confessions? (inspired by Usher)

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Staying Afloat

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