IVF

Shooting Stars

Posted on May 18, 2014 Written by Tonya

One year ago today.

The appointment was scheduled for Saturday, May 18 at 10:00 am.

Two embryos.

One boy.

One girl.

Cyropreserved and stored for just over two months.

We told our reproductive endocrinologist to let the embryologist randomly choose.

We didn’t care.

We just wanted a baby.

I wore one pink sock and one blue sock for luck. Or to be cute. Or to appear lighthearted when I was anything but.

We were given photos of each embryo. A clump of cells five days old.

Just breathe was my mantra that morning along with What if it works? What if it doesn’t? running through my mind on repeat.

After identification had been verified, the entire procedure took less than five minutes.

On the small dark monitor, it looked like a tiny but bright shooting star, a burst of magic—our baby being released into my uterus.

One year ago today was my embryo transfer.

It was both terrifying and exhilarating.

The two weeks that followed were nerve wracking. Taking it easy, staying off my feet and hanging out in our apartment.

On the morning of May 30, there would be a blood test to determine the presence of the pregnancy hormone in my blood.

It was there.

It worked!

This image is still my screen saver. Click on image for source.

Finally.

Life After Infertility: Infertility Awareness Week 2014

Posted on April 20, 2014 Written by Tonya

One in every eight couples in the United States are affected by infertility.

Nearly six million families are childless. Some chose this option, but many more long for children that never come.

According to the National Survey of Family Growth, more than 1 million couples grapple with secondary infertility, a couple’s inability to conceive a baby, even though they’ve had at least one child in the past.

My husband and I are one of these couples. Since Lucas’s first birthday, I have had five miscarriages, one with the aid of IVF treatment and one incredible success!

April 20-27 is Infertility Awareness Week and each year during this week I will write about my personal battle and reflect on the ups and downs that consumed my life for three and a half years as my husband and I longed for a second child. I will think of others that faced the same fight and either beat it and have a precious child in their arms or are at peace and have moved on from it. And in my heart, I will always hold a special place for those currently in the thick if it, hoping, wishing and praying for a miracle baby of their own.

I have and always will be open about my struggle with infertility. I could have never have suffered in silence. Not everyone is like that.

I got my miracle baby, my sweet Lola and I am grateful for what I had to endure to get her. You read that right, I am grateful for my struggle with infertility. Not everyone can say that.

I know what you’re thinking… Yeah, sure you can say that now that it’s behind you and you have had success, but I honestly really wouldn’t change a thing. Sure I wish it hadn’t taken so long or cost so much, but my battle to have a second child put me in places where I know my ego would have never otherwise taken me. Working so hard for something at the end of the day I had zero control over made me trust others like I never have before, relinquish control and be the most vulnerable I ever have been in my life. I learned a lot about myself too; my tolerance for stress, pain and heartache and how to be patient (or at least patienter). It gave me strength and made me grateful. It is behind me, but I will always remember the pain, the tears, the roller coaster ride.

I also made some amazing friends who were or continue to be struggling too and there is nothing in the world like not being alone. Fighting the most difficult battle of your life can be isolating and very lonely.

I hate that anyone has to deal with infertility issues, but if you are or someone you love is facing this battle, please visit RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association Website and attain the support you need to make the best decisions for you and your family.

You are not alone. Do not give up hope.

The Year That Was

Posted on January 1, 2014 Written by Tonya

I love new years, fresh starts and having a calendar full of blank pages just aching to be filled with fun activities and new memories.

I also enjoy looking back on the year that was and 2013 was a big one for me and my family. Here are some of our highlights, many of which I have shared here, click on links for posts you may have missed.

January
I discovered Cardio Barre and became obsessed, attending classes two to three times per week through May.

My first infertility post ran on SheKnows. The column ran for six months and still helps woman today.

February
I submitted a piece I wrote called We Are Enemies to Listen To Your Mother in Sacramento.

March
I auditioned for Listen To Your Mother and was selected to be a part of the 2013 cast!

We were kicked out of the house we were renting because of our dog and moved into a two-bedroom apartment.

On St. Patrick’s Day, I had my second egg retrieval.

My girlfriend and I attended a Sweet 16 NCAA basketball game… U of A (our alma mater) vs. Ohio.

April
In order to detox, I drank a smoothie a day for the entire month and went on a strict no buying program!

May
We transferred one embryo and it worked!!

I met my sister’s boyfriend for the first time.

June
Charlie Pasta turned one year old!

Lucas turned four years old!

I saw Mumford & Sons and Beyonce in concert.

Lucas went to his first baseball game.

After the better part of five years, my sister and I finally sold our parents house in Tucson.

I celebrated my 41st birthday.

July
We spent Fourth of July weekend in Santa Barbara.

I made it to 12 weeks!

I saw Justin Timberlake and Jay Z in concert and to date, it was one of the best!!

August
My husband and I celebrated our sixth anniversary and we found out we were having a girl!

Lucas spent three nights with his grandparents while Todd and I were in Monterrey.

Lucas and I spent a fun beach day with Robin and her family in San Diego.

I graduated from my fertility doctor’s office.

Letters for Lucas turned four years old!

September
We spent Labor Day weekend in La Jolla.

My dear friend, Nichole flew down from Sacramento for one night to join me at a Dave Matthews Band concert.

October
We lit sky lanterns and remembered our parents six years later.

I saw Katy Perry & Friends in concert with my sister.

My sister and I took Lucas to visit my aunt and uncle in Dallas.

November
We moved into our new house!!

I saw Justin Timberlake in concert again!

I made it to the critical 32 week point of my pregnancy.

December
Lucas started going to preschool four days a week

We hosted Christmas in our new house.

I calculated that I walked 365 miles this year!

I’m looking forward to all that lies ahead and wishing each of you a brilliant 2014!

Somebody Pinch Me!

Posted on September 5, 2013 Written by Tonya

Jimmy Fallon and his wife recently welcomed a daughter and revealed that they spent years trying for a baby before it finally happened via surrogate and I love what he shared with Savannah Guthrie on The Today Show…

I know people have tried much longer [than we have], but if there’s anyone out there who is trying and they’re just losing hope, just hang in there. Try every avenue; try anything you can do, ’cause you’ll get there. You’ll end up with a family, and it’s so worth it. It is the most ‘worth it’ thing.

So perfectly put.

After throwing everything we have at our secondary infertility and it has been a very long three year battle, my husband and I are finally expecting a baby!

I shared our amazing news on Facebook and Instagram today and I am touched by the out pouring of love and congratulations. So many of our family and friends and wonderful people I have met through blogging and sharing our tale have been rooting for us and supporting us throughout this difficult journey. Part of me still doesn’t believe it! I keep waiting for someone to pinch me.

If you have been reading my blog for any length of time or know me IRL, then you know I keep track of everything, so I wanted to share this list.

I share it, not as a formula for how to have a baby if you or someone you know is struggling with infertility and by no means as a way of comparing what we went through versus what you may be experiencing, I’m sharing it because as a society, we need to talk about this disease more and everything that it encompasses; the ups, the downs and all the challenges and in between. This is a topic that I am very passionate about and I believe always will be.

After…

Tens of thousands of dollars spent,
95 Four Square check ins to my fertility doctor’s office,
45 (and counting) acupuncture sessions,
16 failed natural cycles,
12 therapy sessions (a mixed blessing of discomfort and insight),
10 RESOLVE support group meetings,
6 Facebook support groups,
5 miscarriages,
3 friends who kindly gave me shots when Todd was out of town,
3 failed IUIs,
2 D&Cs
2 OBGYNs,
2 acupuncturists,
2 reproductive endocrinologists,
2 failed IVF cycles,
2 2AM 24-hour drug store drive-thrus for syringes,
2 needle/hazardous materials spills in my car,
2 visits to a psychic,
1 major meltdown in the baby aisle at Target,
1 trip to the ER,
1 participation in a panel discussion on infertility,
1 infertility column,
1 amazing team of doctors, who I could never thank enough,
a library worth of books on infertility collected and read, and
countless ~~doctor visits~~ HOURS spent sitting in waiting rooms, blood drawls, ultrasounds, angry phone calls to our health care providers, prescriptions filled, pills popped, herbs choked down, shots in the abdomen and ass, boxes of Mucinex taken (don’t ask), negative pregnancy test results, bottles of wine consumed, heated discussions over finances and priorities, prayers and wishes made and tears shed, (so many tears).

After all this, I am smiling from ear to ear, grateful for this moment and overjoyed to share this perfect photo:

I refused to give up the fight.

I would not give up hope.

I could not squelch the longing.

I believed in miracles.

Hope

Posted on October 21, 2012 Written by Tonya

Feeling small, weak and out of control, I recognize these sensations. I’ve been here before.

I am at the point during the dreadful two week wait where I turn into someone I know well but don’t like very much.

The hormones I’m taking (progesterone, estrogen and heparin) have had a chance to dig into my system encouraging my mind to go to ugly places, think ugly thoughts and say ugly things.

The night sweats and dry mouth have both started.

This won’t hurt a bit, they say.

Tired, lacking energy and a face breaking out like a sad dateless teenager on prom night.

I try to stay calm, focused and positive but I am raging inside.

I have bruises all along my belly from the twice daily shots of blood thinners and on both hips from the nightly concoction of steroid hormones.

I lash out at my poor husband, an innocent easy target.

Your lining looks perfect, they say.

I am famished, eat all day and gain weight, an average of 5-8 pounds each cycle.

And then there’s the waiting. The waiting is the worst part. For two weeks, life is on hold and I wait, trying not to read into every sign, careful not to get too excited.

Again.

Everything looks really good, they say.

I am ready for disappointment, willing to welcome it even, to just know and end the waiting; to move on, get off the merry-go-round, discuss next steps or give up.

There are more tears.

Another pin prick.

Another appointment.

More waiting.

Your blood work looks great, just keep doing what you’re doing, they say.

All of sudden and always exactly when I need it most, hope appears.

Hope; in waves of joy and tender moments, a deep sigh followed by a full inhale of fresh air.

Hope greets me and gives me strength.

Hope whispers, keep going.

This Time It’s Personal

Posted on August 26, 2012 Written by Tonya

My posts have been sparse and a little on the light side lately. I’ve experienced blog burn out before and taken blogging breaks. I’ve even experienced writer’s block, but this is different.

This time it’s personal.

Where have I been you ask?

I promised myself to take some of the pressure off during the month of August.

I told myself I needed focus on something other than my (in)fertility, medications, hormone levels, doctor’s appointments and marking days on the calendar.

I wanted wear little to no make-up, let my hair dry naturally, throw on a baseball cap and s l o w down, get back in touch with myself and my family and friends and just be for a while.

Relaxing is so hard for me and like many of you, I struggle with being present, being truly in the moment and realizing that so much of what I actually need is in the simple things; a wag of a new puppy’s tail, my son’s face lighting up as he gets the last puzzle piece to fit, the satisfying feeling of sweat dripping down my back, belly laughs and good cries.

So far I’m pleased with my progress…

My husband and I celebrated our five year anniversary by spending the weekend in San Francisco. We rented Segways, walked across the Golden Gate Bridge and enjoyed some fabulous dinners. A big huge thank you to my in-laws for keeping Lucas while we did so.

We’ve been having fun getting acquainted with our new puppy, Charlie Pasta!

I’ve been living deadline free, having quit my freelance job the end of July.

I took Lucas on a trip to Santa Barbara to visit with high school friends, a couple I hadn’t seen in a dozen years. We picked up right where we left off, which is the great thing about old friendships!

This trip also marked my first time taking Lucas in a pool by myself. It was challenging at first, but a huge success. He is such a fish and we had a blast!

I have been staying up too late to read rather than play on my phone or struggle to pump out a blog post and after a mandatory three month hiatus, I have picked up my hot yoga classes again.

I’m spending more time outside and soaking up what is left of summer. There have been trips to the library in search of books about dinosaurs, many rounds of Go Fish, lots of pretend play, several hours logged in front of the TV watching the XXX Summer Games and Scooby Doo, countless walks around the neighborhood with our new furry friend and last week I was able to spend three glorious hours at the Getty Center by MYSELF.

All I have wanted to do is spend time with my sweet family, practice living in the moment and keep cool! I hope you are doing much of the same.

I’ll be back soon.

When was the last time you took a blogging break? I highly recommend it!

Incidentally, today marks my third year blogging. Ironic, no?

The Waiting Room

Posted on June 21, 2012 Written by Tonya

A coffee table covered with the latest magazines.

12 chairs.

1 love seat.

After over a year of treatments and planing my exit, I always opt for a seat near the door because I’m still in denial that I have to be here at all.

Couples sit close enough to touch or are clasping hands.

Coffee is provided on a table, which also houses a plastic container full of pamphlets on pharmacies, insurance coverage and coping advice.

The majority of the patients are tapping away on their phones or have their heads buried in a magazine pretending to be engrossed in an article. Some just stare at the floor.

The uptempo jazz being pumped into the room does zero to alleviate the desperation in the air.

No words are ever spoken apart from the rare, but polite bless you after a sneeze.

Eyes never meet.

Smiles are never shared.

All of us are waiting on the edge of our seats for good news.

The instant the front door is opened, we all jump a little and then silently wonder to ourselves, where is she in her cycle.

One of the cruelest jokes of all is the nurse that calls out our names when it’s our turn is 5 months pregnant.

I loathe the waiting room.

But I continue to have hope.

This adorns one of the walls at my RE’s office.

We Are Enemies

Posted on May 21, 2012 Written by Tonya

I have never hit anyone in my life.

A good friend pushed me in college because I was dancing with a boy she supposedly liked and I pushed back and another time, I slapped a guy for being crude, but that has been the extent of my physical altercations.

I don’t even know how to make a proper fist.

But believe me when I say that I would go full on Fight Club on Infertility if we ever met in a dark alley.

It wouldn’t even need to be dark.

Or an alley.

She could be walking out of a 7-Eleven in the broad daylight and I would kick her ass beyond recognition.

Any battle ground will do.

I just want to meet her one day and have my way.

I want to beat that bitch to a bloody pulp and show absolutely zero mercy.

She wouldn’t either.

I know this for a fact.

Infertility and I are enemies of the worst kind.

I would relish hearing bones crack and draw pleasure from wiping away my own blood from my mouth with the back of my hand. I would spit it right in her face.

It would be a heart pounding workout like I have never experienced, throwing blow after blow, advancing and retreating with more power and strength each time.

This would be no cat fight, no pussy hair pulling or nail scratching, what would be the point? I want to do real damage, full frontal contact with loud, hard shots square to the jaw and the ribs. I want to feel our legs and arms tangled.

Duck, kick, twist, punch, repeat.

Sweat and spit flying.

Deep guttural screams.

The loudest thing in my head, besides the ringing in my ears would be the cheers of encouragement from the dozens of women I personally know and countless others, I don’t, who wish they had gotten to her first.

Even though I could go at it for days, eventually we would both reach a point when we had had enough, but just when she’d think I was surrendering, I would muster the strength from a place deep down inside my soul and go after her one last time and bring her to her knees once and for all.

When it was over, I would sit down on the hard gravel, wince from the pain and though tears I didn’t think I had left would ask, “why?”.

______________________________________________

I read this post as part of the inaugural Sacramento Listen To Your Mother show in May 2013. You can view it here.

Dear John

Posted on May 8, 2012 Written by Tonya

Kirsten of The Kir Corner and I have a lot on common. Not only do we both adore cupcakes, shoes and our sons, we are soul sisters in our struggle with infertility. She has provided me with so much love and encouragement through this crazy journey, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank her.

Kristen is a wonderful writer, mother and friend. We connected through our writing initially (she blows me away in that arena by the way), but within two minutes of talking to her on the phone for the first time over six months ago, I knew I’d have a friend for life.

It is my honor to welcome Kristen here today sharing the sweetest letter to her husband. Let it serve as a tiny glimpse into her gigantic heart.

I love Tonya. She is a girl who makes my heart happy because she is such a wonderful human being. I was so happy when she told me that I could write for the Letters for You series and for months I thought about who I would choose to write to.

In the end it came down to LOVE.

Thank you, Tonya for sharing your space today. Getting to know you the past year has been such a sweet surprise and I feel so lucky to call you a friend. xo

Dear John,

It seems like such a cliché to pick you to write to, when I could be cute, creative or cunning with that choice. Yet, it only seems right that I write to you since you are really the one person I write to the least when in reality I should be scrawling words to you on your bathroom mirror, tracing your name in the sand and shouting to the world about how much you mean to me.

So a letter, here at Tonya’s place, it is.

I am a true believer in the magic of the words “I love you” and it makes me so happy that you and I say them often, to each other, to the boys and we mean them. Even when we fight, we come back to “I love you” and that is something I know we are lucky to have in one another.

But there are two other words that I have learned are just as important and somehow just as magical,

“Thank you.”

These two words can heal an ache, they can build a bridge, they can allow a light to shine into the darkness and they convey gratefulness for things, big and small, common and extraordinary.

So…

John, sweet, gentle, funny and patient man of mine, THANK YOU…

…for loving me in spite of myself.

…for believing in me even when I can’t find that acceptance in myself.

…for letting me sleep on Saturdays when a migraine or a flare presents itself, without anything but concern at the heart of it.

…for making eggs on Saturday mornings and feeding the boys, for taking the garbage and the dog out, for carrying the heavy bags and for staying at the mall far too long without complaint.

…for calling me on my bullshit and encouraging me to be a better person.

…for knowing my favorite color, my favorite TV shows and movies and that cupcakes and high heels make me happy…all these things as silly as they look on the outside are the heart of you and me, I know, deep down, you know me and you love me anyway. (Wink)

…for shielding me from the bad stuff, the bad news, and for taking it all in your heart so I don’t need to, for being stronger than I am in so many ways. Our life is far from perfect but when we catch each other’s eyes and share a moment, a private joke, a laugh that doubles us over, I know we’ll be okay as long as we’re together.

…for being the kind of father to Giovanni & Jacob you read about in fairytales. You amaze and amuse me every day with the way you show our sons how to be a man in this world. I could not have asked for a better role model for them.

…for going beyond yourself to give me things. Last week when you told me you had booked the hotel for our Listen to Your Mother weekend and I said “thank you” you responded with “a star needs to be treated like one.” My heart exploded with the kind of love you have for me.

…for surprising me, in every day, with the way love works and for reminding me that even when I am sure you don’t “See me” anymore, you do and you acknowledge that in so many ways from letting me write a November away for NaNoWriMo, or leaving you with the boys so I can go to lunch with my girlfriends, from encouraging me to do the IVF because, “you’ll be right beside me”, to “finish the book” to “honey, this audition is ‘all you’” .

…for being the CHEERLEADER in my life, the one who stands on the sidelines and takes no credit but deserves it more than anyone for all you do. For telling me I’m beautiful & smart and making me feel that way when I stand next to you.

…for all the FAITH you have. Belief in us, trust in the modern medicine that brought us Gio and Jacob, Conviction in the way we live our lives.

…and finally, thank you, in every moment of every day, for Choosing Me to spend your life with.

Sometimes I am sure I do not deserve the blessed, lucky life we lead, but THANK YOU for asking me to be your wife.

It’s been the greatest adventure of my life.

I love you honey,

xoxo

Women Speak

Posted on April 23, 2012 Written by Tonya

One in every eight couples in the United States are affected by infertility.

Nearly six million families are childless. Some chose this option, but many more long for children that never come.

My husband and I are one of these couples. Since Lucas’ first birthday, I have had five miscarriages, one with the aid of IVF treatment.

Six months ago I apprehensively attended to my first RESOLVE support group meeting and after hearing the stories of each brave and compassionate woman around the table, I didn’t feel so alone anymore. Here were women, just like me that are angry, sad, confused and longing to have a child, their first or another.

I had made new friends.

One of those new friends was Annette Prieto-Llopis, who has written a wonderful piece on CNN.com’s In America today called, The unheard voice of infertility: A Latina’s story.

Annette introduced me to Molly Nichols, better known as Inspirational Mama and from there I learned about Women Speak. In recognition of National Infertility Awareness Week (April 22-28), Molly is hosting Women Speak this Wednesday, April 25 in Orange County, California.

This event will bring together those who have been touched by infertility and will be filled with support, education and inspiration.

Molly has asked me to be a panel member at Women Speak and I am very excited (and more than a little nervous) about sharing my secondary infertility story. When she asked me to be a part of her event, I did not hesitate. I believe the more we talk and share and learn from one another, the better our experience will be. If my story, my voice helps just one other women who is suffering with infertility then I’ll be happy.

Infertility is nothing to be ashamed of.

Click on image for more information.

If you live in Orange County and are suffering with infertility or know someone that is, I encourage you to attend this important event.

Infertility causes stress, sadness, frustration and loss for many couples. If you and your spouse are facing this condition, please learn all you can through reputable resources and organizations, such as RESOLVE, the National Infertility Association and attain the support you need to make the best decisions for you and your family.

Trust me when I tell you, you are not alone.

You are among friends.

A version of this post is also on Smart Mom Style today.

Shooting Stars

Related Posts:

Life After Infertility: Infertility Awareness Week 2014

Related Posts:

Somebody Pinch Me!

Related Posts:

Hope

Related Posts:

This Time It’s Personal

Related Posts:

The Waiting Room

Related Posts:

We Are Enemies

Related Posts:

Dear John

Related Posts:

Women Speak

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

What I Write About