Listen To Your Mother

Old School Blogging: Reflections

Posted on January 14, 2015 Written by Tonya

I’m linking up with Elaine of The Miss Elaine-ous Life for a little Old School Blogging and today I’m doing some major reflecting on jobs I’ve had, idols, personal accomplishments and my last meal….

Who do you idolize?
The 15-year-old in me wants to shout Dave Matthews because… Dave Matthews.

The mother in me wants to say my fertility doctor because… Lola.

But really, anyone who has more creativity than me, whether it’s artistically, or musically, someone who can look at the contents of my refrigerator and cupboards and come up with an amazing meal, people that can draw anything other than a stick figure, people who are kind beyond measure and go out of their way consistently to do things for others, people that write and speak effortlessly and with passion and conviction, these are the people I idolize.

What is something you are really proud of that you have accomplished?
I hope it goes without saying that I’m really proud of my children and my marriage (most days).

I also love that I have kept up with an exercise regime that works for me and makes me feel good. I walked 534 miles in 2014!

I’m proud of the many 5Ks I’ve participated in, the one half-marathon and three (!) Susan G. Komen 3-day walks.

I’m really proud of the infertility column I wrote for SheKnows. I shared what I was experiencing on a day-to-day basis with my own struggle and it was always from my heart. I know that my words helped other women battling infertility and hopefully still do.

I’m proud that I submitted and read a piece I wrote in front of a large audience for Listen To Your Mother two years ago.

What is something that you are not so proud of?
I am not proud of my behavior sometimes. I hate that I get to a point with my son where I yell. I hate yelling!! We seem to be having a listening problem.

I have a tendency to be selfish and fly off the handle, as they say. My husband gets the brunt of it and it’s completely unfair. I’m working on my patience level and lowering my expectations.

Who was your best friend when you were 5, 6, or 7? Tell me something about them.
Charmaine was my first sleep-over-mimic-the-dance-moves to Grease 2-shaved-my-legs-with-for-the-first-time real friend. We met in second grade while both living in Karachi, Pakistan and are still friends today. She lives in Holland and I haven’t seen her since 1985 but I love that we have kept in touch over the years.

What is one thing you wish you could still do but may seem impossible right now?
A really good cartwheel or the splits. For as much yoga and other exercise that I do, I am so not flexible.

If you could chose it, what would be your last meal?
Filet Mignon with peppercorn sauce, my husband’s twice-baked potatoes, steamed broccoli, a glass of The Dreaming Tree Cabernet and cannoli for dessert.

What are two or three jobs you’ve had that you liked?
There are aspects of every job I’ve ever had that I really enjoyed. Mostly the people and relationships, and there were aspects that were downright awful. Mostly the people. Just kidding. I’m most grateful for working in publishing at two different companies, Fancy Publications and Crain Communications.

I think my favorite job was my early years of working in an advertising agency. The creativity and buzz was electric and I really felt a part of something special. It was my dream job. I thrived on the impossible deadlines and late hours, until I didn’t.

What is one job that you did not like?
The first job I accepted out of college I hated mainly because of the bitchy women and I worked with and also because I was asked to change my name. Long story but there was another Tonya on staff so I went by my middle name. It was a stupid and regrettable decision on my part.

What is your least favorite chore around the house?
Hands-down unloading the dishwasher!

How tall are you? Do you wish you were taller? Shorter?
5′ 7 1/2″ and I’m okay with it. I haven’t always been, especially when dating shorter guys.

How old are you? What is something you have learned in those years that you want to share?
I am 42 and a 1/2 and yes, the half is still important to me today as it was when I was 5 and a 1/2!

I’m still learning, but one thing lately I know for sure is that when being seated at a restaurant, it’s okay to say, “I don’t want to sit here, can we find another table?”.

I also cannot implore younger women enough to take care of their skin… sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen! Apply it everywhere, not just your face but your entire neck and upper chest. I wish I had started that process a lot earlier.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown more comfortable in my skin and with my body and that is something I never thought would happen.

What is one of your favorite quotes on love, life or motherhood (choose one)?
I am a collector of quotes so this is nearly impossible to answer, but one that I come back to over and over again is: “And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

But I also love: “Always be a first rate version of yourself, and not a second rate version of someone else.” – Judy Garland

And there’s this one: “The real things haven’t changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder

The Year That Was

Posted on January 1, 2014 Written by Tonya

I love new years, fresh starts and having a calendar full of blank pages just aching to be filled with fun activities and new memories.

I also enjoy looking back on the year that was and 2013 was a big one for me and my family. Here are some of our highlights, many of which I have shared here, click on links for posts you may have missed.

January
I discovered Cardio Barre and became obsessed, attending classes two to three times per week through May.

My first infertility post ran on SheKnows. The column ran for six months and still helps woman today.

February
I submitted a piece I wrote called We Are Enemies to Listen To Your Mother in Sacramento.

March
I auditioned for Listen To Your Mother and was selected to be a part of the 2013 cast!

We were kicked out of the house we were renting because of our dog and moved into a two-bedroom apartment.

On St. Patrick’s Day, I had my second egg retrieval.

My girlfriend and I attended a Sweet 16 NCAA basketball game… U of A (our alma mater) vs. Ohio.

April
In order to detox, I drank a smoothie a day for the entire month and went on a strict no buying program!

May
We transferred one embryo and it worked!!

I met my sister’s boyfriend for the first time.

June
Charlie Pasta turned one year old!

Lucas turned four years old!

I saw Mumford & Sons and Beyonce in concert.

Lucas went to his first baseball game.

After the better part of five years, my sister and I finally sold our parents house in Tucson.

I celebrated my 41st birthday.

July
We spent Fourth of July weekend in Santa Barbara.

I made it to 12 weeks!

I saw Justin Timberlake and Jay Z in concert and to date, it was one of the best!!

August
My husband and I celebrated our sixth anniversary and we found out we were having a girl!

Lucas spent three nights with his grandparents while Todd and I were in Monterrey.

Lucas and I spent a fun beach day with Robin and her family in San Diego.

I graduated from my fertility doctor’s office.

Letters for Lucas turned four years old!

September
We spent Labor Day weekend in La Jolla.

My dear friend, Nichole flew down from Sacramento for one night to join me at a Dave Matthews Band concert.

October
We lit sky lanterns and remembered our parents six years later.

I saw Katy Perry & Friends in concert with my sister.

My sister and I took Lucas to visit my aunt and uncle in Dallas.

November
We moved into our new house!!

I saw Justin Timberlake in concert again!

I made it to the critical 32 week point of my pregnancy.

December
Lucas started going to preschool four days a week

We hosted Christmas in our new house.

I calculated that I walked 365 miles this year!

I’m looking forward to all that lies ahead and wishing each of you a brilliant 2014!

Listen To Your Mother: Before, During and After

Posted on July 18, 2013 Written by Tonya

Feeling equal parts terrified and exhilarated, I pressed send.

It was almost six months ago that I e-mailed my Listen To Your Mother submission. I waited on pins and needles for 10 excruciating days, waited for an invitation to audition or not.

Either way, I’d be fine. I took a chance by submitting a piece. And one of the grittiest posts I had ever written.

When the invitation came, I felt more validated that I had in a long time.

Validated and nervous.

My audition went better than I could have ever hoped. I felt good. I nailed every word and left not only proud of myself, but very honored having been asked to read my piece at all.

Even if I wasn’t cast I had already stepped way out of my comfort zone by sharing a part of myself that only few get to see. Sure I had shared it here first, but reading it out loud, owning my words was very different. It put me in a place of intense vulnerability.

More waiting…

Three days later I learned I would be a member of the 2013 inaugural Sacramento Listen To Your Mother cast. I was elated. This was the best news I could have received, especially on that particular day, having just found out we had to move and that our current round of IVF had to be postponed. Again.

What transpired over the following next weeks was life changing. I met the most amazing women, heard their stories of courage and strength, humor and sorrow, wisdom and love and took the stage with them and for one magical night we were united and shined together.

My knees shook as I took my place at the podium on Mother’s Day and read this:

I haven’t been able to write about my LTYM experience until now and I haven’t been able to watch my video yet either. I’m too afraid to explore why, but I believe it has everything to do with the fact that I am still battling my secondary infertility and even though it feels like I’m winning most days, others it feels like anything but.

To All The Parents We’ve Never Met

Posted on May 16, 2013 Written by Tonya

Arnebya is a writer, speaker, wife, and mother. She was selected as a BlogHer Voice of the Year in 2012 and is a fellow 2013 Washington, DC Listen To Your Mother cast member! Her blog is What Now and Why and her writing is equal parts cheeky and smart, not too mention funny and poignant.

Arnebya shares a letter with us today directed to the parents of her child’s friend, who want her to sleepover (Arnebya’s daughter, not Arnebya… keep reading). This is more than a play date or meeting at the movies, this is all. night. long and there are a few rules…

Dear Parent I’ve Never Met Who Wants My Child to Stay At Your House,

Last week, my daughter was invited to a birthday party for your child. My daughter said the plan was for you to take them to the movies, to dinner, then back to your house for a sleepover. She said the movie started “around 4.”

I don’t know you, and that’s as much my fault as it is yours. I guess. But, my child was invited to your house. Here are a few things I think would be beneficial for you to know/do before inviting other people’s kids to your home:

1. Call parents and introduce yourself.

2. Provide a detailed invitation with a phone number and address because word of mouth between seventh graders is kinda insufficient.

3. Offer information about yourself and your home. Do you have an escape plan in case of fire? When was the last time you changed the batteries in your smoke detectors? Do you HAVE smoke detectors? This isn’t the time to forget to mention that you grow and sell weed from your backyard.

4. If you’re driving someplace (movies or bowling, for example), I may want to drop off, pick up, and bring my child to your house. Don’t be offended. If you plan on having 7 attend but your car only seats 5 people, I’d rather my child not sit on someone’s lap.

5. Do you allow open access to the Internet at home? Because even the most benign search request can turn up porn. Trust me.

I am a nice person, I promise. I’m not even particularly over-protective or nosy. But when it comes to my child being your responsibility, especially overnight, I really need to know that you are, well, responsible. If our children are to spend time together, even irregularly, shouldn’t you be able to answer a few questions about me, if asked (instead of being that person who blindly offers “She didn’t seem like the type” when you find out I duct tape my kids to chairs in order to watch certain TV in peace?)

Let’s bring back community. Let’s bring back knowing the parents and families of the children our children are friends with, or at least knowing one person who knows the mom of that little boy who always tries to cross the street against the light.

Signed,

The Parent Who Usually Says No (and can tell the difference between weed and mint growing in your backyard)

Follow Arnebya on Facebook and Twitter.

Mother’s Day

Posted on May 12, 2013 Written by Tonya

Tonight when I take the Listen To Your Mother stage in Sacramento, I’ll be thinking about my mother.

It’s Mother’s Day after all, who else would I be thinking of? Of course, not a day goes by that I don’t think of her.

I wonder what she’d think of the piece I’m going to share.

I’m sure she’d cry and laugh in all the right places and then ever sentimental, cry some more.

I have no doubt that she would be tremendously proud of me.

Oh, how I wish more than anything that she were going to be sitting in the audience and the first one to hug me after the show.

I wish she were here today and always.

Happy Mother’s Day, mom.

May, 2007

In Awe

Posted on April 9, 2013 Written by Tonya

It was so overwhelming, I haven’t been able to put it into the proper words. Turns out a simple act, an everyday task allowed me to get there.

I was standing at the kitchen sink scrubbing pots and pans with scolding hot water, in between loading the dishwasher, wiping down counter tops, putting leftovers in plastic containers and reorganizing the refrigerator in order for everything to fit.

I was thinking about the day almost behind me and if I had accomplished everything I had hoped to, I thought about new items to add to my ever growing To Do list and how I was one day closer to a looming deadline. I thought about how odd it was to be living in such a small space now and daydreamed about the possibilities that lie ahead for our family. I considered what Lucas had eaten that day and what kind of mother I had been; was I attentive?, had I doled out enough kisses, hugs and words of encouragement?, had we read together that day?, had I taught him anything?, was I present?

Next, I thought about the millions of women—mothers across the world doing the exact same thing at the exact same moment.

Like me, they were standing at their kitchen sink caring for and thinking about their family and their mind wandered to all that they have done that day and maybe throughout their lives. All those women have stories to tell.

Rich, beautiful, powerful stories.

Stories of courage and heartbreak, bittersweet memories and small moments that made great impacts. Stories about letting go, holding on and unwavering resilience.

As I stood there scrapping off caked on food particles into the disposal, my eyes began to swell and tears streamed down my face. Performing such a mundane task finally allowed me to reflect on the 11 amazing stories I had heard two days earlier at my first Listen To Your Mother rehearsal.

The stories are as diverse as our fingerprints, but the grace and strength in which they were told are the common denominator and the candor and beauty of each woman leaves me in awe. I have only met these women once and I already admire and respect them so very much. Their stories will forever be etched in my mind and on my heart.

I am honored beyond measure to be apart of the 2013 Listen To Your Mother Sacramento cast and to tell my story. It is our time to shine and the dishes in the sink can wait!

If you would like to attend the Sacramento Listen To Your Mother show, please click on photo for more information and for tickets!

Listen To Your Mother

Posted on March 8, 2013 Written by Tonya

I’ve been sharing my words on Letters For Lucas for four years this coming August.

I started freelancing over a year ago.

I have had my own column since January.

And yet, I’m still finding my voice and navigating through my emotions to find out who I am and don’t yet consider myself a writer in the truest sense, but I do have a story to tell.

A month ago today, I submitted a very personal piece of my writing to Listen To Your Mother, the national series of live readings by local writers in celebration of Mother’s Day.

I was honored to be asked to audition.

A week ago, I read my submission.

It’s one thing to have a blog and publish posts that only a handful of people read and comment on, it’s another thing entirely to read your words out loud. To truly own them and give them life and emphasis. During my audition, I was focused but I shook the whole time. My voice trembled but I walked out feeling confident and relieved.

Today, I learned I have been cast!

I can’t describe how excited I am about this opportunity. I haven’t had a lot of good news in life lately and this has come at the perfect time. I’m already feeling more inspired to share my story and be moved by those of my fellow Sacramento cast members.

I am thoroughly looking forward to the next few weeks; the rehearsals leading up to the show, meeting new people, embracing this fresh flow of creativity, stepping out of my comfort zone, being a part of something bigger than me and having my very own Listen To Your Mother experience.

We Are Enemies

Posted on May 21, 2012 Written by Tonya

I have never hit anyone in my life.

A good friend pushed me in college because I was dancing with a boy she supposedly liked and I pushed back and another time, I slapped a guy for being crude, but that has been the extent of my physical altercations.

I don’t even know how to make a proper fist.

But believe me when I say that I would go full on Fight Club on Infertility if we ever met in a dark alley.

It wouldn’t even need to be dark.

Or an alley.

She could be walking out of a 7-Eleven in the broad daylight and I would kick her ass beyond recognition.

Any battle ground will do.

I just want to meet her one day and have my way.

I want to beat that bitch to a bloody pulp and show absolutely zero mercy.

She wouldn’t either.

I know this for a fact.

Infertility and I are enemies of the worst kind.

I would relish hearing bones crack and draw pleasure from wiping away my own blood from my mouth with the back of my hand. I would spit it right in her face.

It would be a heart pounding workout like I have never experienced, throwing blow after blow, advancing and retreating with more power and strength each time.

This would be no cat fight, no pussy hair pulling or nail scratching, what would be the point? I want to do real damage, full frontal contact with loud, hard shots square to the jaw and the ribs. I want to feel our legs and arms tangled.

Duck, kick, twist, punch, repeat.

Sweat and spit flying.

Deep guttural screams.

The loudest thing in my head, besides the ringing in my ears would be the cheers of encouragement from the dozens of women I personally know and countless others, I don’t, who wish they had gotten to her first.

Even though I could go at it for days, eventually we would both reach a point when we had had enough, but just when she’d think I was surrendering, I would muster the strength from a place deep down inside my soul and go after her one last time and bring her to her knees once and for all.

When it was over, I would sit down on the hard gravel, wince from the pain and though tears I didn’t think I had left would ask, “why?”.

______________________________________________

I read this post as part of the inaugural Sacramento Listen To Your Mother show in May 2013. You can view it here.

Dear John

Posted on May 8, 2012 Written by Tonya

Kirsten of The Kir Corner and I have a lot on common. Not only do we both adore cupcakes, shoes and our sons, we are soul sisters in our struggle with infertility. She has provided me with so much love and encouragement through this crazy journey, I don’t know how I’ll ever be able to thank her.

Kristen is a wonderful writer, mother and friend. We connected through our writing initially (she blows me away in that arena by the way), but within two minutes of talking to her on the phone for the first time over six months ago, I knew I’d have a friend for life.

It is my honor to welcome Kristen here today sharing the sweetest letter to her husband. Let it serve as a tiny glimpse into her gigantic heart.

I love Tonya. She is a girl who makes my heart happy because she is such a wonderful human being. I was so happy when she told me that I could write for the Letters for You series and for months I thought about who I would choose to write to.

In the end it came down to LOVE.

Thank you, Tonya for sharing your space today. Getting to know you the past year has been such a sweet surprise and I feel so lucky to call you a friend. xo

Dear John,

It seems like such a cliché to pick you to write to, when I could be cute, creative or cunning with that choice. Yet, it only seems right that I write to you since you are really the one person I write to the least when in reality I should be scrawling words to you on your bathroom mirror, tracing your name in the sand and shouting to the world about how much you mean to me.

So a letter, here at Tonya’s place, it is.

I am a true believer in the magic of the words “I love you” and it makes me so happy that you and I say them often, to each other, to the boys and we mean them. Even when we fight, we come back to “I love you” and that is something I know we are lucky to have in one another.

But there are two other words that I have learned are just as important and somehow just as magical,

“Thank you.”

These two words can heal an ache, they can build a bridge, they can allow a light to shine into the darkness and they convey gratefulness for things, big and small, common and extraordinary.

So…

John, sweet, gentle, funny and patient man of mine, THANK YOU…

…for loving me in spite of myself.

…for believing in me even when I can’t find that acceptance in myself.

…for letting me sleep on Saturdays when a migraine or a flare presents itself, without anything but concern at the heart of it.

…for making eggs on Saturday mornings and feeding the boys, for taking the garbage and the dog out, for carrying the heavy bags and for staying at the mall far too long without complaint.

…for calling me on my bullshit and encouraging me to be a better person.

…for knowing my favorite color, my favorite TV shows and movies and that cupcakes and high heels make me happy…all these things as silly as they look on the outside are the heart of you and me, I know, deep down, you know me and you love me anyway. (Wink)

…for shielding me from the bad stuff, the bad news, and for taking it all in your heart so I don’t need to, for being stronger than I am in so many ways. Our life is far from perfect but when we catch each other’s eyes and share a moment, a private joke, a laugh that doubles us over, I know we’ll be okay as long as we’re together.

…for being the kind of father to Giovanni & Jacob you read about in fairytales. You amaze and amuse me every day with the way you show our sons how to be a man in this world. I could not have asked for a better role model for them.

…for going beyond yourself to give me things. Last week when you told me you had booked the hotel for our Listen to Your Mother weekend and I said “thank you” you responded with “a star needs to be treated like one.” My heart exploded with the kind of love you have for me.

…for surprising me, in every day, with the way love works and for reminding me that even when I am sure you don’t “See me” anymore, you do and you acknowledge that in so many ways from letting me write a November away for NaNoWriMo, or leaving you with the boys so I can go to lunch with my girlfriends, from encouraging me to do the IVF because, “you’ll be right beside me”, to “finish the book” to “honey, this audition is ‘all you’” .

…for being the CHEERLEADER in my life, the one who stands on the sidelines and takes no credit but deserves it more than anyone for all you do. For telling me I’m beautiful & smart and making me feel that way when I stand next to you.

…for all the FAITH you have. Belief in us, trust in the modern medicine that brought us Gio and Jacob, Conviction in the way we live our lives.

…and finally, thank you, in every moment of every day, for Choosing Me to spend your life with.

Sometimes I am sure I do not deserve the blessed, lucky life we lead, but THANK YOU for asking me to be your wife.

It’s been the greatest adventure of my life.

I love you honey,

xoxo

Live Openly

Posted on April 10, 2012 Written by Tonya

Alexandra, otherwise simply known as The Empress, writes the blog, Good Day, Regular People. She is a supportive blogger, extremely insightful and an amazing writer.

I am always thrilled when I get a comment from Alexandra because her words are rich and heartfelt and I feel like she doesn’t just read my posts but she reads between the lines and knows what I’m trying to say better than I am often able to convey.

I am honored to have Alexandra here today sharing a letter that in her words, “In honor of April Child Abuse and Neglect Prevention Month, [I] knew I had to post on Domestic Chaos”.

Alexandra reminds us, ever so eloquently to live openly, own our stories and never be ashamed of sharing them.

To Those of Us Who Grew Up in Dysfunctional Homes:

Many, many times, I have wished for people in my real life who can listen to my life story without judging. Someone who hears my words without pity, who gets to know me and accepts me with all the left overs from the home life I had.

I want this letter to be that understanding friend to all of you out there in the world who grew up in a damaged home.

Growing up as a child from a dysfunctional home, I’d look around all the children at school or in my neighborhood, and think how lucky they were. All the lucky ones raised in idyllic surroundings; homes with tender words spoken and with eyes meeting theirs, looking back brimming with love. Whole homes with everything a child needed to grow up feeling cared for and cherished.

Things are much harder for someone like us. Maybe we don’t have a family support system right now, and never had one. Frequently, there are no role models, no warm memories of what it feels like to have a parent care and tend to us. There are all sorts of sources for the brokeness we carry around inside: abandonment, foster care, divorce, a missing parent, abuse, neglect, poverty, alcoholism, addiction, death, none of a parent’s time given to us.

Sometimes it is the parent’s fault, sometimes it isn’t. Sometimes it’s all they can offer or are capable of, many times being broken themselves.

If you are a child of a home that left you feeling sad, scared, hurt, forgotten; what I want you to know is that you are not what happened to you. Your life is a part of you, but it’s not the whole you.

You may still be carrying around the childhood shame from growing up so different than what you saw around you. This shame that clings to you is a shame that you did not earn or create for yourself. Living as though you are the guilty one for having brought your life upon yourself will leave you frozen in your childhood.

Shame confuses us into thinking we had a part in our life’s situation. We didn’t. We feel shame because we know our lives weren’t what is right for a child. We feel shame because we fear people will judge and whisper and look down on us, have pity for us. We think shame will keep us safe from the pain of having our secrets heard, of being found out; if we just stay quiet about our lives and our story, then no one will hurt us with the way they think about us.

But living in shame and secret does the opposite of what we think it does: it doesn’t protect us. It leaves us isolated and unknown and not a part of anything.

I write to all of us, all of us today, to say: live OPENLY. Tell your story, own it, make it a source of your inspiration and use it as a way to find your people, your community. Open your mouth and share the gift of who you are and all that you bring to others, so that anyone else out there feeling alone in a world of not being understood, can hear your story mix with theirs and feel accepted.

Take a deep breath, trust the universe, and let your truth become your connection to the world, and not that thing that keeps you separated. Invite people into your life, open that door, and the world will come in.

I know. I first told my story only a year ago at the Listen To Your Mother show in Madison. I have never felt more a part of this world and everyone in it since that day forward.

To read the piece, The Reach of a Small Moment that Alexandra read for the Madison Listen To Your Mother show, it can be found here.

Old School Blogging: Reflections

Related Posts:

Listen To Your Mother: Before, During and After

Related Posts:

To All The Parents We’ve Never Met

Related Posts:

Mother’s Day

Related Posts:

In Awe

Related Posts:

Listen To Your Mother

Related Posts:

We Are Enemies

Related Posts:

Dear John

Related Posts:

Live Openly

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

Related Posts:

What I Write About