Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Playlist

Posted on December 13, 2012 Written by Tonya

Music helps me.

For as long as I can remember I have sang along to my favorite songs and other tunes that I just couldn’t escape. For every major milestone in my life, I can associate a song. Certain lyrics speak to me and make me feel better; or worse depending on my mood. But they always assure me I am in good company; that someone in the world has felt exactly what I am.

I’ve shared some of my favorite workout tunes before and that playlist is ever growing and changing. I need songs to lift me up and give me that extra ump to sweat a little longer, run a little faster and challenge myself.

I’ve had a little bit too much
All of the people start to rush.
Start to rush babe.
A dizzy twister dance
Can’t find my drink or man.
Where are my keys, I lost my phone.

Just Dance – Lady Gaga

While planning my wedding I put together a playlist of timeless love songs and listened to it as I got ready, walked down the stairs of our house, out into our backyard and met my groom. From there on, a solo guitarist took over, but whenever I play that playlist, I am right back there taking my father arm and descending the staircase.

You know me better than that
Think I’d leave you down
When you’re down on your knees?
I wouldn’t do that


By Your Side – Sade

When my parents died, I created a playlist of songs that would guarantee to make me cry. Like big ugly, crocodile tears cry because sometimes I’d walk around for days with a lump in my throat and finally just had to let it out. I’d give in, press play on a playlist I called “Amazing Grace” because that was one of my mother’s favorite songs and let the tears flow. It is a healing mix of deeply personal songs and family favorites and I always felt a little better afterward hearing it. A good cry often has that effect.

But all that I know is I’m breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

Keep Breathing – Ingrid Michaelson

Before Lucas was born I put together a collection of songs aptly titled, “Birth Day” that I had hoped to listen to while in labor. Things moved too fast for me to even grab my iPod the night he was born, but I listened to that compilation over and over and over in the weeks and days leading up to his arrival. The songs were dreams I had for my son, uplifting and hopeful.

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

My Wish – Rascal Flatts

This year I made a new playlist full of songs of empowerment, triumph,  strength and promise. Each one screams: don’t give up! They have become my anthems.

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

A Thousand Years – Christina Perri

I am pretty sure the artists included on this list weren’t singing about infertility, but they work.

For me.

What are your go-to songs when you need a good cry, a swift kick in the pants or gobs of inspiration?

 

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  • Frozen: Six Options
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Filed Under: challenges, exercise, list, love, lyrics, music, pregnancy, question Tagged With: challenges, exercise, list, love, lyrics, music, pregnancy, question, secondary infertility

This Time Last Year

Posted on June 27, 2012 Written by Tonya

It’s been a while since I participated in a Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, but I have had the best intentions each week as I review the topics. It’s one of my all time favorite link-ups and always gets my creative writing juices flowing.

 This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt 1.) Share what you were blogging about last year at this time…what has changed?


One year ago I was getting over the shock that one year from then I would be turning 40!

So far, so good.

 

Just over a year ago we celebrated our little Lucas’ second birthday with balloons and a BBQ in the backyard. There was family and friends, cupcakes, a bounce house and Thomas the Train.

This year we celebrated three with balloons and a BBQ in the backyard  surrounded by family and friends, cupcakes, a bounce house, a TRAMPOLINE (thanks, Grandma and Grandpa) and Cars. Lots of cars!

 

This time last year Lucas had been enrolled in preschool and would be starting in August.

Tomorrow is Lucas’ last day of preschool before his summer session begins (yay for year-round school) and he loves it (apart from the monthly fire drills that is).

 

Last June we were gearing up for a week in Hawaii!

This year we went to North Carolina. BIG difference!

 

Last summer I was counting down the days to BlogHer ’11.

I won’t be attending BlogHer ’12 in New York City this year, [insert sad face here] but I LOVE being able to call so many people I met last year friends. 

 

It was just over a year ago that we started secondary infertility treatments.

After two failed IVFs, two miscarriages and two “missed” cycles, we are still struggling but remain hopeful.

 

It seems the old adage is true, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Sigh!

What were you doing one year ago?

Related Posts:

  • One Year Ago
  • So Very Thankful – NaBloPoMo
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Filed Under: mama kat's writer's workshop, question, update Tagged With: mama kat's writer's workshop, question, update

I Heart Teachers!

Posted on May 9, 2012 Written by Tonya

I grew up with teachers.

My parents were educators, who worked in American international schools for 28 years and prior to that on an American Indian reservation in Arizona. Their careers spanned 35 years and if I learned anything from them, it was how much they enjoyed their jobs, how hard they worked and how dedicated they were. They loved children and were good at their jobs.

I spent many weekends in either one of their classrooms “playing teacher” as they worked on their lesson plans in preparation for the week ahead. As I got older, I was recruited to help cut out letters, assemble packets, test markers, organize books, try out a new project or craft or run dittos (remember those?).

It was fun being at school after hours and hanging out with teachers when they weren’t in “teacher mode”. Having them over for dinner or vacationing with them and their families humanized them. They were my parents friends and once I became an adult, they were mine too.

I’ve always thought teachers were amazing, selfless people. I realize now that I am a parent, how much faith and trust we put in our children’s teachers and I know that our education system is suffering in this country and our teachers aren’t paid enough for what they do. Many of our classrooms are overcrowded and special needs aren’t being met.

Nevertheless, teachers are the people who educate us and give us the vital knowledge which we need to live our lives. They encourage, support, discipline and prepare us for the road ahead and they deserve a time for us to show them our appreciation.

Teacher Appreciation Week is this week (May 7-11) and it is the perfect opportunity for us to show teachers how thankful we are for their support.

Demonstrate how much the teachers in your life mean to you by saying thank you to the people who work really hard so that we can have a better future.

Lucas took Starbucks gift cards to preschool yesterday for each of his teachers. The smiles on their faces told me that they would be put to good use.

Have you done anything special for the teachers in your life?

For some simple and inexpensive gift ideas, visit my post today on Smart Mom Style.

Related Posts:

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Filed Under: gifts, gratitude, KRA, MSA, question, Smart Mom Style, TDA bio Tagged With: gifts, gratitude, KRA, MSA, question, Smart Mom Style, TDA bio

You Know You’re A Writer When…

Posted on April 23, 2012 Written by Tonya

A journalism professor I had in college said writers write to get it out of their head. I have never forgotten that and I firmly believe it.

My brain is a constant mess of words and phrases, ideas and thoughts all bouncing around trying to find a way out. Sometimes they escape and make sense, often they do not. Sometimes the timing is off, the words are still marinating and not yet ready to be revealed. Sometimes it feels like I reveal too much.

I want to blog.

I need to write.

I need to post something on my blog.

When am I going to write?

I have this treasured space, Letters For Lucas that I have created for my son (and sanity) and I get to connect with all of you and share some of my inner most thoughts and then I have my amazing freelance work with Smart Mom Style, which is very fulfilling and lets me explore an array of topics, a complete departure from Letters For Lucas.

The scene is set.

The house is quiet.

I have a full battery on my lap top.

The lighting is perfect.

I’m in my favorite space to write.

All I have to do is write and all of a sudden I need a snack.

I post here 3-4 times per week and on Smart Mom Style 5 days per week. That’s a lot of writing. Only, I don’t write every day. I can’t. I don’t have the time.

I dictate and jot down notes and ideas but real writing only happens once or twice a week, if I’m lucky. I spend a lot of time editing, fact checking and staring at a blinking cursor. Patiently waiting for ideas to come to me.

I have been writing Letters For Lucas for three years in August and I am very proud of my work here. Some posts more than others. I am NEVER at a loss for words. I have dozens of drafts and hundreds of ideas, just waiting to be flushed out.

This is my 800th post.

It took me a long time to consider myself a “writer” and not just a blogger. In fact, I still have trouble saying it out loud, but when other writers I have grown to respect and admire tell me so, I start to believe it. When other writers seek my opinion or ask me to review their drafts, I start to believe it.

It’s frustrating as all get out sometimes, but I enjoy writing and it has become a part of me that I could never give up. So, here’s to the next 800 posts!

Do you consider yourself a blogger or a writer? Are they one and the same?

“The role of a writer is not to say what we all can say, but what we are unable to say.”  – Anaïs Nin

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Filed Under: blog, question, quotes, Smart Mom Style, writing Tagged With: 800, blog, question, Smart Mom Style, writing

How To Be Present

Posted on March 24, 2012 Written by Tonya

Lately I have been anything but present.

I find myself getting distracted easily.

My mind wanders.

No, my mind races.

I’m always thinking about the next thing. The next thing I think I need to do, the next chore or task to tackle, the next deadline, the next appointment or place I am suppose to be.

I am struggling to be present,

to live in the moment,

enjoy the here and now.

My phone has become an extension of my hand.

I get lost on the Internet and consumed with social networking.

I grow impatient quickly and let the littlest things irritate me.

I wouldn’t say I’m a worrier, but I do spend a lot of time anticipating the future and that only proves to be problematic, futile even, because no matter how much I’d like to convince myself otherwise, I can’t control the direction in which things will go.

All I can control is this moment.

Right now.

This breath.

I recently started keeping a Gratitude Journal, using the app by the same name. Thank you, Nichole for introducing this to me!

Making a list of just five things each and every day that I am thankful for and that make me smile has helped me take witness of my life and think about what I’m doing, s.l.o.w. down and enjoy these moments.

My son deserves the best of me, as does everyone else in my life. I am learning how to be present.

How do you keep the most important things in focus when the rest of your life is a blur? How do you stay present? 

Related Posts:

  • Taking Care Of Business
  • Staying Afloat
  • Gratitude Is Everything

Filed Under: a mother's guilt, advice, annoyances, confession, control, gratitude, internet, iphone, photos, question Tagged With: a mother's guilt, advice, annoyances, confession, control, gratitude, internet, iphone, photos, question

Staying Afloat

Posted on February 20, 2012 Written by Tonya

It’s not unusual for me to leave clothes in the washer or dryer overnight or to walk out of the house wearing my slippers, but it is unusual for me to put Windex in the refrigerator, completely miss an appointment that I not only have on my phone calendar with an alarm reminder, but also on my paper calendar.

That’s not like me.

That’s not like me at all.

It’s not unusual for me to have to reheat my tea three times in the morning, only to forget all about it all together in the microwave, however, boiling a pot of water down to nothing *TWICE* while attempting to make Lucas mac and cheese is very unusual.

I’ve turned into a scatterbrain.

I rewrote a “To Do” list the other day that I already written with exactly the same tasks. I’m religious about my lists, almost can’t function without them, especially my grocery lists, but last week I had to go to the grocery store three times because I kept forgetting items that were clearly marked on my list.

I’m spinning my wheels and something is off. I’m snappy and feel the pressure of just barely staying afloat. Something’s going to suffer, it’s inevitable something’s got it give. Sadly, I fear it has been my blog. I haven’t been sharing my thoughts here as much as I would like to (or need to).

I’ve taken on a freelance writing job at Smart Mom Style, which is something that I have wanted for a long time and I am absolutely loving, but I am CLEARLY struggling with balancing it all, keeping my head above water and staying sane at the same time. I feel behind on everything in my life and all out of sorts. I am trying to find the perfect balance (is there such a thing?!) and until I do, my posts here will be scarce.

It’s an age old mommy problem… trying to balance work, home, exercise, “me time”, couple time and quality time with anybody and anything and all without letting a single ball drop.

How do you balance your life, your career, blog and family? How do you stay in control and keep your cool? When are you most productive? Do you wake up before your children so that you can savor a few precious moments to yourself or are you a night owl, like me and stay up way past your bedtime trying to get it all in? Any tips or tricks would be most helpful and appreciated.

Click on image for source.


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Filed Under: advice, confession, control, me time, question, writing Tagged With: advice, confession, control, freelance work, me time, question, Smart Mom Style, writing

That Girl

Posted on January 11, 2012 Written by Tonya

I honestly don’t pay that much attention to the number of followers I have or the traffic my blog receives on any given day, but I do notice that every time I write about my grief over losing my parents, I lose one or two readers.

Especially if it’s consecutive posts, like last week: Ashes To Ashes / I Thought Of You Today.

Maybe it’s a coincidence, but I worry about it from time to time and bring it up because I don’t want to be “that girl”, the one that “always writes about her parents deaths”.

Letters For Lucas is a place where I feel it is safe and appropriate to be open and honest about my loss and love of my mom and dad, but I can’t help but wonder why I lose followers.

I’m not offended, I’d just really like to know…

Was it the subject matter? Was there not enough description or possibly way too much? Maybe I just rubbed someone the wrong way or perhaps they needed one less blog to read. Those are all fair reasons to stop following and trust me, I understand how uncomfortable death and loss is to read about.

Why do you stop following a blog?

For those of you that have stuck in there with me, thank you! I appreciate all of the support, virtual hugs and kind comments. I pour my heart and soul into my posts and they are very therapeutic. I know in my case, the way my parents died is very unusual and part of the way I grieve is by writing. It has helped me survive something that could have dropped me to my knees for the rest of my life.

Loss is a part of life and while for my parents it was too instant and too soon, there will never be anything I can do to change it, so I write about and remember and heal a little bit each day.

I am never ever looking for sympathy, just a connection.

Having said that, I do promise to try to lighten the mood around here.

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Filed Under: blog, gratitude, grief, loss, question, writing Tagged With: blog, gratitude, grief, loss, question, writing

Relishing Quiet

Posted on January 8, 2012 Written by Tonya

Admittedly, I was not prepared for a lot of things when it came to becoming a mother, but the insane amount of noise has got to be the most frustrating.

I did not know that from sun up to sun down chitter chatter, mumbo jumbo and other strange and peculiar sounds would come flooding out of my son.

Lucas recounts his day, acts outs books we read and shows he watches, relives events that took place the previous week and asks a million questions in between. 

Oh my God, the questions… they make my head spin as I carefully do my best to answer each one.

What are you doing?

Why are you doing that?

Where did that come from?

Where are we going?

Why are we going this way?

Who will be there?

Do they have cars?

Can I get a car?

What about a train?

Most of the time it is music to my ears. I love being able to carry on a complete conversation with Lucas and hearing him talk to himself and sing is delightful, but sometimes I feel like my head might explode from the incessantness. He never shuts up. His mind is curious and he has a lot to say.

Sometimes I need a moment of silence.

A moment to catch my breath and hear myself think.

A moment longer than a stolen bathroom break will allow, especially since my little boy is typically accompanying me in there as well.

Can I flush the toilet when you’re done?

Can I see?

Can I close the lid?

Why are you washing your hands?

I need to wash my hands too.

Mmm, that soap smells good.

I need to take a bath tonight.

After Lucas finally goes to bed each night, I feel guilty for being so silent around my husband, but I am relishing quiet as much as I know he is.

How do you cope with the noise maker(s) in your life?

Related Posts:

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Filed Under: annoyances, motherhood, question, raising boys Tagged With: annoyances, motherhood, question, raising boys

Holiday Blues

Posted on December 14, 2011 Written by Tonya

Do you ever feel melancholy during the holidays?

Have you ever wondered how (or why) those around you are so merry and bright?

I do and periodically it makes me want to push cheerful types right into oncoming traffic.

I think it’s pretty common to get the blues this time of the year, or at least I hope so. Well, maybe not the pushing part.

There’s a lot of pressure that comes with the holiday season: over commercialization that begins the day after Halloween, finding the perfect gifts, figuring out to pay for them, taking the perfect photo for your family holiday card, getting them in the mail, decorating your home top to bottom, creating (or maintaining) all those warm and wonderful traditions, etc., etc., etc.

The holidays also mark the end of the year and maybe you haven’t accomplished all that you had hoped to and that’s a tough realization.

This time of the year is meant to be spent with your loved ones, but perhaps you live miles apart and can’t be together or they are no longer with us and the memory of them is easier to conjure.

Maybe there are other reasons that are contributing to your sadness; financial hardship, family feuds, frustrations at work, no job to speak of, it’s too cold, or no special “someone” in your life.

My losses and heartaches are no different than yours, but during this time of the year when To Do lists are long and patience is short, they are a little too close to the surface.

I know that this overwhelming feeling will soon pass and nothing will be sweeter than turning the page on the calendar to a fresh new year full of possibilities. 

In the meantime, I am trying not to overindulge or run myself ragged, doing my best to keep up with my exercise routine and taking on each task one at a time. Trust me, I am NOT always this productive.

Whatever your woes, try to find something this holiday season to make you smile and press on. It’ll be over soon and you don’t want to miss it!

Would this help?

Do you experience holiday blues? How do you manage your stress level? 

Related Posts:

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Filed Under: confession, depression, holidays, photos, question, weather Tagged With: confession, depression, holidays, photos, question, weather

Gratitude Is Everything

Posted on December 4, 2011 Written by Tonya

I’ll be the first to admit that I spoil my son rotten, but raising an ingrate is a deep seeded fear of mine.

Recently, I have read some beautiful posts: Change of Plans: Children and Gratitude and When Your Child Acts Entitled on jaw dropping moments mothers have had when their children behave ungrateful.

I rarely leave the house without bringing him home a treat of the edible or four-wheeled variety. Anymore it’s the only way I can get him to go to the super market with me. Thank goodness Matchbox cars are only $1.00, but as you and I both know, those dollars add up visit after visit and I’m the one left grumbling about picking up 75 cars throughout the day.

Lucas is no dummy and has grown to expect a “treat” for doing something I’ve asked of him, for keeping it together while I wander through Target, drag him into the bank, Starbucks, dry cleaners, etc.

We put up our Christmas tree on Friday night and I stayed up long after Lucas had gone to bed to decorate it. I wanted him to wake up in the morning and see it in all it’s glory. 

This is Lucas’ first Christmas tree and I want having the tree to be special for him, a tradition in the making. I thought it would be fun for him to choose a couple of new ornaments, so off to Target we went with a list of a few other household items we needed.

We had a lot of fun picking out three new ornaments; a penguin, a ‘W’ for our surname and a Lightening McQueen (the boy has a thing for the movie Cars) and then he began badgering me to go down the toy aisle, which I was happy to oblige knowing full well I’d be buying him a car in order to get through the rest of my shopping.

He seemed happy with the bright orange car he selected and promptly ripped it from its packaging, making sure to hand me all the pieces (bar code included so that I could pay for it) and we carried on to get laundry detergent.

Somewhere between greeting cards and electronics, he spotted a Cars car set that he just had to have. I let him hold on to it for a while so that I could finish my shopping and explained to him that I wasn’t going to buy it, he had already gotten a car on this trip and that he had three of the six cars in the set at home. This information prompted a complete and utter melt down.

I then returned the set to it’s place on the shelf and asked him if we could compromise; put back the orange car and get a Cars car that he didn’t have. He liked that idea but when we found one that he wanted, he wanted it and the orange car, which was not part of the deal. Lucas is only two-and-a half, but he gets it. He wanted both and said so repeatedly and also, “buy it for me” at the top of his lungs.

In the past maybe I would have bought it just to shut him up, but I need to break that cycle in order to teach him how to be thankful for the toys he does have and not to expect something new every time we are in a store.

I kept my cool and calmly repeated that this was a hard lesson for us both, that was no way to talk to me and I was sorry but, you don’t always get what you want. Needless to say, screaming and wailing and carrying on in mortifying levels followed while standing in the check out that I almost walked away from my cart and right out of the store. No one needs to hear a tantrum.

As we left, an audacious customer said to me, “Seriously, can you not get your kid under control?” to which I replied, “Go to hell.”

Not my finest moment (or response), but WTF? This was none of her concern and her commentary was not only unnecessary, but rude, out of line and shocking to me.

Once we made it to the car, I called my husband in tears exclaiming that I didn’t want to raise an ungrateful child and I had just been called out/judged by a complete stranger.

As odd as it sounds, in the moment I could not tell what I was most upset about; the perception that I could not control my child’s behavior or the behavior itself.

Of course, I know now, without a doubt that it’s my son’s behavior that was most troubling. God knows Lucas did not need another car, so hopefully he will remember walking out of the store without one. 

And that woman means nothing to me but teaching my child gratitude? Means everything.

Do you admittedly spoil your child(ren)? How do teach them about being grateful? What should I have said to that bitch?

Related Posts:

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Filed Under: advice, bitch, challenges, character, control, discipline, gratitude, holidays, parenting, question, shocking, shopping, toys Tagged With: advice, bitch, challenges, character, control, discipline, gratitude, holidays, parenting, question, shocking, shopping, toys

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