Tonya

Miles Of Memories

Posted on July 31, 2012 Written by Tonya

Growing up overseas, I moved around a lot leaving friends behind and learning how to be exceptional at correspondence (this was WAY before e-mail, Facebook, Twitter or iPhones). I also discovered that while geography may sometimes divide us, some friendships run so deep that miles don’t matter. I have written about my lifelong friend, Sophie many times before.

Rach writes Life Ever Since and she is my guest today with a letter to her best friend who just moved far away. I think we can all identify with their bond. Here’s hoping they get to see each other again very very soon.

When Tonya first asked me to share a letter here on her series, I pondered just who I’d write my letter to. But quickly the thought hit me: my best friend T, who recently decided to move back to her hometown. I was selfishly a little sad that she moved so far away, but nonetheless, I’m so happy for her that she’s found a great job in a great place and is getting settled with her family.

Dear T,

We first met nearly 22 years ago when I was the shy, awkward new girl with extremely frizzy hair and bad fashion sense. Nonetheless, you befriended my middle school self and we soon discovered we had a lot in common: We were good at math, we shared the same sarcastic sense of humor and we both loved to prank call the guys in our class. Wait, what?

We spent many a weekend hanging out in high school, talking about the future, boys, clothes, parents. We could share anything. Soon, it was time to leave for college and we went our separate ways. We still kept in touch, but sporadically. There was a time when I was sure we’d outgrown our friendship.

Thankfully I was wrong and we ended up in the same city after graduation. We picked up where we left off and once again shared many adventures, this time as adults (if you could call us that) in the “big city.”

And like old times, we shared hopes, dreams and complained about boys.

Through the years, I’ve been both amazed and blessed by our friendship. You’ve been there through some tough times for me, and I hope I’ve been there for you too. Life has grown us up in so many ways: marriage, children, job loss, losing a parent, struggling through depression.

But through it all, we still have managed to keep our friendship intact. I’m grateful that when we do talk and see each other, we can be our inane 17 year old selves recalling fun times, yet we can also be two mothers trying to navigate a rough day.

Thank you for all the love and generosity over the years. For bringing me DVDs when I was sick with kidney stones, for plunging my toilet when it was overflowing, for the bachelorette party and the Miracle Swaddling Blanket. It’s amazing to see a friendship that has truly lasted a lifetime.

And I’m looking forward to many more years of friendship. Distance is no matter. I’m always a phone call or plane ride away. So I’m not going to say good-bye to you. I’m going to say “See ya.” Because I will, my friend. Soon.

Follow Rachana on Twitter and Pinterest.

The Yucky Side

Posted on July 30, 2012 Written by Tonya

I don’t like this version of myself…

the one that sets expectations impossibly too high and then wonders why she is disappointed each and every time.

the one that lashes out and fails to communicate because she has her own agenda and refuses to let anyone derail her.

the one that is curt, short and rude for no good reason.

the one that likes to avoid conflict at all costs and will become quiet and withdrawn instead of address what’s on her mind.

the one that shakes out of anger, swears and bitches to others instead of facing the root of the problem.

the one that looses control, feels completely spent, desperate to be understood and in tears with a pounding headache.

the one that runs out of patience before any real work has begun.

the one that lets her inner demons get the best of her, throws willpower and self control out the window and ends up feeling sorry for herself.

the hardheaded, difficult to please version.

the one that is uncertain, weak and anything but sure footed.

the one that over reacts and can have volatile and immature outbursts when things don’t go her way.

I don’t like this version of myself.

Luckily, there are many sides to me.

Mushrooms Were Growing In The Living Room!

Posted on July 26, 2012 Written by Tonya

A brief timeline to bring you up to speed:

October 2007 – my parents die while living and working in Tunis, Tunisia and my sister and I inherit their stateside home.
October 2008 – house is inspected and appraised, it is full of 16 years worth of life and memories.
December 2008 – roof work completed.
March 2009 – estate sale.
September 2009 – entire interior painted.
November 2009 – new cabinets installed in master bathroom.
April 2010 – realtor walks through and provides laundry list of things to “take care of” before we should consider selling.
November 2011 – new appliances purchased.
January 2011 – new plumbing fixtures installed.
February 2012 – new tile installed.
March 2012 – new carpet installed.
July 2012 – flood.

I had no idea what we were going to find we when arrived at the house last Wednesday morning.

All I knew was I had a $5312.97 water bill, the water had been shut off 12 days earlier because a serviceman had seen water rushing out the front door and a water removal company would be meeting us.

I knew it was going to be bad.

I was not prepared for how bad.

A $2 coil that connects the toilet to the wall in the guest bathroom had come undone and did this:

It was stiffing hot, hard to breath and the air felt wet.

Mold was growing on almost every wall.

I had never seen such damage. I walked around in shock for several minutes, not believing my eyes. Mushrooms were growing in the living room!

The water mitigation team went to work fast and have been amazing, explaining every step along the way and dealing with our insurance company too.

Within 24 hours, four feet of all walls in the guest bathroom, guest bedroom, hallway, two closets, foyer, master bathroom, master bedroom, living room and dining room were removed and dozens of fans were set up to begin the drying process.

Adding insult to injury, termites were found once the walls were taken apart, probably there for a long time but in some cases due to having new source of water. Nasty little suckers!

You may be wondering why the water was left on in an empty house and that is an excellent question. We figured with all of our comings and goings and all the different projects it was needed. We were stupid.

Many tears have been shed over the last week mainly due to the frustration, loss and all the time and energy that has been put into the house to get this far, but I’m trying to remain positive and look at the bright side…

Luckily, the house was virtually empty and the items that were still there, were located on the opposite end and saved from damage.

Luckily, the sunken living room saved the rest of the house from damage.

Luckily, there is no foundation problems or damage to the neighbors property.

Luckily, homeowner’s insurance will help pay for a lot of the reconstruction but none of the mold or termite removal.

Luckily, Arizona is the driest place in the country.

Luckily, I have zero emotional connection to this house and am more determined than ever to get rid of it.

It is very difficult to see this house in this state, but it is just that, a house and hasn’t been a home in years.

Looking Forward

Posted on July 25, 2012 Written by Tonya

I have been so down in the dumps lately with our infertility journey coming to a much needed break (for now) and the recent damage I’m having to deal with at my parents house that when I saw Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop prompts for this week, I couldn’t help but pick #1: Share one good thing you’re looking forward to.

I have found that it is so important to see the good in your life, especially when you feel like the walls are caving in around you and all you want to do is cry.

Mine is a very blessed life and I have so much more to make me smile than frown and came up with not one, but SEVEN really great things that I’m looking forward to:

1. Seeing Iris with my sister this weekend.

Click on image for source.

2. Celebrating our five year anniversary in San Francisco next weekend.

3. Bringing home our puppy home on August 7.

Taken on July 24. Puppy is 7 1/2 weeks old!

4. A new pile of books to tackle! I just read The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern and if it is possible, it made me fall in love with reading all over again. Seriously, if you haven’t read this book, please do, it’s absolutely magical.

Here are three others I’m anxious to snuggle up with!

5. Duran Duran concert with my girlfriends on August 11!

6. Mastering the camel pose – someday, I hope! And look this elegant while doing it. Sigh.

Click on image for source.

7. More moments like this with Lucas, someone I look forward to being with every single day:

What are you looking forward to?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt #1) Share one good thing you’re looking forward to.

Cantankerous Again

Posted on July 24, 2012 Written by Tonya

I promise to update you on my BS saga soon, but today I am happy to welcome Carri of Carri Ellen Brown: Snarky Suburban Mom with a Country Heart, (although she may be better known as co-creator of One Martini at a Time) here today.

I haven’t met Carri in real life yet, but I know without a doubt she will be able to drink me under the table and that I’ll have a blast trying to keep up.

Carri isn’t just a good time girl, she also has a big heart and I will always be grateful to her for reaching out to me last fall to share stories of how she believes her son senses his grandfather’s spirit. Thank you, Carri.

I think anyone who blogs for any length of time can completely identify with her letter.

I want to say I’m sorry.

I’m sorry for abandoning you.

I’m sorry for being so hot and cold.

And I’m sorry that I just don’t find myself needing you like I used to.

You’ve always been such a good friend to me but I’m fickle. I’m impatient. I’m indecisive. I want the world and even though you gave me all that you had, it wasn’t good enough for me.

I turned my back on you and you never saw it coming.

It’s not you.

It’s my job. My son. My husband. Pinterest. And all of the other things that demand my constant attention.

You were pushed aside like yesterday’s news and I’m sorry for that.

Remember when we couldn’t wait to see each other? Remember how I’d tell you all of my secrets without fear of you judging me?

I really did tell you everything. You gave me the strength to face what life gave me and share it with others. That’s something I was never able to do before.

You were always so good to me.

You helped me through so much and introduced me to some of the most amazingly brilliant women. Together, we worked through my bouts of depression, anxiety, PPD and mommy issues. You watched me drastically change – from a scared, angry and anxious new mom to a confident, stable and happy one.

I’m forever grateful for our time together.

I hope we see each other again. I hope we can rekindle what we once had because I do cherish those moments.

But right now, I just don’t have it in me.

For the first time in a long time, I’m content and I have nothing to say.

Hang tight, my dear blog. It’s only a matter of time before I’m cantankerous again.

xoxo,
Carri

Follow Carri on Twitter and Pinterest.

Dealing With Crap

Posted on July 17, 2012 Written by Tonya

Letters For Lucas and tomorrow’s Letters For You will be on hiatus for a while. SIDE NOTE: Thank you, Momma Kiss for your understanding and my frantic phone call.

I am heading to Arizona at this very moment to deal with God knows what.

My sister and I still own our parents house in Tucson and pay monthly minimal utilities bills. The water bill is usually under $20/month. Yesterday’s bill was over $5000! Turns out a main water line (we think) burst on or around July 6 and we are going to assess the damage(s).

Great.

Just where I want to be in the dead of summer.

Dealing with this crap.

Lucas will be accompanying me, (missing a trip to visit his grandparents and at least two days of preschool) as will my sister.

Now accepting barrels of wine.

Wish us luck.

Six Handwritten Pages

Posted on July 16, 2012 Written by Tonya

When our parents died, my sister and I kept many of their personal items; we divided up family heirlooms, knick knacks, books, photos and letters.

Some of the things I brought home with me have been incorporated into my own, such as their Christmas tree ornaments, which now adorn my tree. Many items have been donated after realizing I didn’t need or want them and some have simply tucked away until I’m ready to look at them or have a house big enough in which I can display them properly.

While rummaging through a closet in our loft last week, I found a stack of letters my father had written to my mother.

How ironic that that very day for Fat Mum Slim’s Photo of the Day for July, the topic was “letters”. I grabbed them, took a photo and posted it on Instagram with the following message:

A handful of letters my father wrote my mother. I haven’t been able to read them because the sight of my father’s handwriting is almost too much to bear.

I meant every word.

Seeing his handwriting is hard.

Harder than I ever could have imagined.

Plus, these aren’t my letters so I’m not even certain I should read them.

On one hand, it’s tantalizing to read something addressed to someone else knowing it was never meant for my eyes and on the other, I wonder what clues they can provide about my mother and father’s relationship and do I really want to know? They were written a long time ago, back before my parents were married.

For now I’ve decided they will stay tucked safely in the closet.

Within the stack, there were also a few other letters; letters my grandmother had written her daughter, letters my other grandmother had written her soon to be daughter-in-law, letters my aunt had written her soon to be sister-in-law and a notepad. Clearly these were precious to my mother, stacked and kept together with a piece of red string.

The note pad was the most intriguing. Inside I discovered mostly blank pages until the very back where there were six handwritten pages.

Both sides.

Page one begins: “It all started…”

With those three words my heart skipped a beat as I foolishly believed I was about to gain some insight into my mother’s young mind and personality.

She refers to wanting to “this to be her story” and a “manuscript”. It seems she was attempting to document her life.

Growing up, I did not have the type of relationship with my mother that I had hoped for. She was distant and indifferent and I was always searching for ways for us to be closer. Could these six pages hold the secrets to my mother or a special message just for me?

In the end, the pages held no clues and were nothing more than a school girl’s account of a family that moved around a lot. Clearly this was just the beginning of something she had intended to write and share someday.

Once again I had learned nothing of any great significance about the woman that raised me and as so many times before was left with an incredible amount of sadness and disappointment.

How can a person no longer here still make me feel this way?

Giving Thanks

Posted on July 15, 2012 Written by Tonya

All the items I included on my list last week as things I will miss when I’m gone (Ode to Nora Ephron) should be what I’m thanking this week. Instead, I have a different list (in no particular order):

1. Thank you, green lights. You instantly put me in a good mood.

2. Thank you, 8:00 PM. It’s not quite Lucas’ bedtime and as long as he’s not fighting it, he is all cuddles and snuggles.

3. Thank you, books. There is nothing like getting lost inside the pages of an epic saga, falling in love with the heroes and villains and letting my imagination run wild.

4. Thank you, first sip of wine after a very rough day. Sometimes a sip is all I need for that sweet release.

5. Thank you to the expression on Lucas’ face the moment he first sees me when I come pick him up from preschool. It is absolutely priceless. I love my son more than life itself.

6. Thank you to my husband who knows exactly when I need a break, a hug or swift kick in the ass. I honestly could not have a better partner.

7. Thank you to my parents for showing me the world (literally) and what it means to be a good, hardworking person. The honor was all mine.

8. Thank you, Dave Matthews. Your music has gotten me through some of both the best and worst times of my life and every time I hear your voice, I’m immediately calmed, hopeful or happy.

9. Thank you, writing for providing the best outlet I know for expressing myself. Starting Letters For Lucas and joining the blogging community has been one of the very best and most surprising things I have ever done for myself. I learn something new almost every day and I live for the interaction. My blog is my therapy. And WAY cheaper.

10. Thank you, brain for finally slowly down enough to let me rest each night knowing full well that my “To Do” lists and other craziness with be waiting impatiently for me in the morning.

******************************************************************************
On March 14 I stated using the app, Gratitude Journal and ever since, each and every night I list five things that make me smile and most of the time I post my lists on Twitter or Instagram. This simple exercise has become one of the highlights of my day because giving thanks and expressing gratitude is something I strive to be better at. It truly is a beautiful thing!

What are you thanking these days?

Linking up with Stasha of The Good Life’s Monday Listicles, a meme right up my alley, because I LOVE lists! This week’s topic is THANKS.

A Letter To The Dearly Departed

Posted on July 10, 2012 Written by Tonya

Greta writes Gfunkified and today is sharing a touching letter to her first husband, who was tragically killed by a drunk driver while she was seven weeks pregnant. Her post, Ivy describes that dark period of her life with nothing but heart and strengthen.

Greta is truly a remarkable and courageous woman, wife, and mother and I am pleased to have her here today.

Dear J,

Ivy will be five in a couple of short weeks, so that means it’s been six and a half years now. I wish you could have met her, seen her precious little face and how much she resembles your mom and sister.

She’s a little firecracker. She’s got my personality and our blue eyes. She tries to hide a sneaky smile when she knows she’s been caught. This girl will be the source of many a sleepless night, I’m sure of it.

Henry is, well… your little clone. The older he gets, the more he looks and acts like you. I wish you could have seen his school programs, or his endless supply of ever-more-intricate drawings (another trait straight from your genes). He has your enthusiasm and lack of rhythm.

We talk about you, a lot. They know who you are, who you were, and where they came from. As they get older, I know they’ll ask more and more questions. As hard as it is to answer them sometimes, you know I’ll always do my best.

I hope you can witness all of this from where you are. I hope, so much, that you haven’t been completely robbed of that.

I don’t hate the woman who killed you. I don’t have anger for her anymore. I don’t have energy to spend on that, and I know that’s not how you’d want me to spend my life with your children.

I will never, EVER forget her name, though. I’ll never be able to drive over that spot and not think about what happened.

I hope you know that I’m happy, and that we’re well taken care of. I hope you can see that your kids will never feel that they aren’t loved every single day of their lives, and that I’m loved. Because I know in my heart that you want that for me, and I will always have the inkling that you had something to do with how my life has played out since you left it.

Love,
G

Follow Greta on Facebook, Twitter and Pinterest

Miles Of Memories

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