Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

A Furry New Addition

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Do you remember this post? Adding To Our Family.

Do you recognize these items? They were birthday gifts from Lucas.

What about these? More generous gifts.

Sensing a theme yet?

To die for, right?

Our puppy at 3 weeks.

It has taken seven long months but I have finally successfully begged enough talked my husband into getting a dog!

Our Brittany puppy was born on June 1 and we have to wait patiently until August 7  before we can bring him home.

Lucas holding his very first puppy (ours!) at five weeks. Oh how I wish I could bottle the light on his face!

I am bursting with excitement and a ball of nerves. It’s been a LONG time since I’ve had a pet, but we are having a lot of fun getting ready, thinking up a suitable name and prepping the house.

I owe my dear friend, Suzy an enormous THANK YOU for finding the breeder for us.

Happiness personified!

Now accepting any and all puppy/dog owning advice.

And go!

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Ode To Nora Ephron

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Nora Ephron past away on June 26 after her battle with leukemia. She left behind behind an incredible wealth of wit, wonderful writing and entertaining films. If you haven’t seen Heart Burn (1986), rent it! Meryl Streep is divine, as usual and Jack Nicholson plays her perfect counterpart as we watch a marriage crumble.

In Ephron’s last book, I Remember Nothing: And Other Reflections she includes a list of things she will miss and what she won’t as she faced her own mortality and that is what Deborah of MannahattaMamma has asked us to do with this week’s Monday Listicles:

What I Won’t Miss:

  • Take offs
  • Bras
  • Acne
  • Shaving, keeping my nails manicured and blow drying my hair
  • Trips to the grocery store, stocking the fridge, mounds of laundry and visits to the dry cleaner.
  • Mean people
  • Answering the question “what do you want for dinner?”
  • Heartache
  • Self-induced pressure
  • Cats

What I Will Miss:

  • Landings
  • Jammies
  • Lucas’ smile
  • The smell of the ocean
  • My pillow
  • Sunflowers
  • My husband’s dry sense of humor, my sister’s hugs, and my friend’s laughter
  • Iced Chai tea lattes
  • My natural curiosity about the world
  • Dogs

Linking up with Stasha of The Good Life’s Monday Listicles, a meme right up my alley, because I LOVE lists!

 

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The Good Stuff

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I hope my son doesn’t remember.

I hope he can’t recall everything I say and do.

I’d rather his memories of me standing in front of the mirror plucking my gray hairs and applying face masks be fuzzy.

Just as I’d rather he completely block out the time I yelled at him so loudly my entire body shook,

beat myself up about not working out or accomplishing more on my “To Do” list,

ran out of patience, not to mention creative ideas because he wouldn’t go to bed and I hid out in the bathroom for several minutes before I regained composure, 

would go days without make-up or washing my hair,

wept for people he’ll never know and those we both have yet to meet. 

called a friend an unkind word under my breath,

banged my fists on the steering wheel in anguish,

sighed heavily at unmet expectations that were set entirely too high to begin with,

slammed a door in frustration,

cried as I told his dad I didn’t think I was cut out for this motherhood thing,

threw my phone across the room in a blind rage.

The list of my not so finer moments goes on and on. I’m sure you have one of your own; things you wish you could change, protect your child from, moments you would do over if it were possible.

We are parents.

We are human.

We make mistakes.

I make mistakes.

Tons of them.

I hope my son only remembers the good stuff.

And if not, I hope he can forgive my flaws and indiscretions.

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10 Random Questions

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1. Grab the book nearest to you, turn to page 23, and find line 4. What is it?
apart; John’s understanding and acceptance are bittersweet, having (from To Full Term by Darci Klein) 

2. How many times a day do you say Hi?
On average, 10.

3. Have you ever worn a uniform?
Yes. My sophomore and junior year of high school. Jeans (no rips or holes), tan shirt of any style (no tank tops) and a school badge pinned to left side.

4. What do you think about the most?
My son, my fertility and my “To Do” list. Sigh… 

5. How many keys are on your keyring?
Six: car, front door, parents’ house, old house (I just can’t part with it), a friend’s house and a random key I have no clue what it unlocks.

6. What was the last thing you bought?
A tank top to wear for the Fourth of July Surf City 5K run!

7. Are you growing anything these days?
My hair, my nails and I’m trying to keep a plant Lucas brought home from preschool alive. I have ANYTHING but a green thumb.

8. What is under your bed?
Dust bunnies.

9. What is most important in life?
My son, husband, sister and health.

10. What is the strangest word you used this week?
Camping

Linking up with Stasha’s Monday Listicles, a meme right up my alley, because I LOVE lists! This week’s topic is 10 random questions.

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This Time Last Year

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It’s been a while since I participated in a Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop, but I have had the best intentions each week as I review the topics. It’s one of my all time favorite link-ups and always gets my creative writing juices flowing.

 This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt 1.) Share what you were blogging about last year at this time…what has changed?


One year ago I was getting over the shock that one year from then I would be turning 40!

So far, so good.

 

Just over a year ago we celebrated our little Lucas’ second birthday with balloons and a BBQ in the backyard. There was family and friends, cupcakes, a bounce house and Thomas the Train.

This year we celebrated three with balloons and a BBQ in the backyard  surrounded by family and friends, cupcakes, a bounce house, a TRAMPOLINE (thanks, Grandma and Grandpa) and Cars. Lots of cars!

 

This time last year Lucas had been enrolled in preschool and would be starting in August.

Tomorrow is Lucas’ last day of preschool before his summer session begins (yay for year-round school) and he loves it (apart from the monthly fire drills that is).

 

Last June we were gearing up for a week in Hawaii!

This year we went to North Carolina. BIG difference!

 

Last summer I was counting down the days to BlogHer ’11.

I won’t be attending BlogHer ’12 in New York City this year, [insert sad face here] but I LOVE being able to call so many people I met last year friends. 

 

It was just over a year ago that we started secondary infertility treatments.

After two failed IVFs, two miscarriages and two “missed” cycles, we are still struggling but remain hopeful.

 

It seems the old adage is true, the more things change, the more they stay the same. Sigh!

What were you doing one year ago?

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Be Here

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I usually leave the letter writing to you around here, but from time to time, I just have to address someone. This is one of those times. 

Dear Mom at the park,

We’ve never met.

I don’t know you.

I don’t pretend to have any idea what kind of life or even day you have had or what may be running through your head at this very moment, but I know that we all have stuff, heavy stuff and life is full of distractions.

I’ll be the first to admit that being a mom is really tough sometimes.

I know I’m out of place and you can tell me to go straight to hell, but I couldn’t help noticing your complete disinterest in your child as he desperately tried to get your attention today at the park.

Do you hear him?

Mom, watch this.

Mom, push me.

Mom, let’s build something.

Mom, help me.

Mom, will you chase me?

Mom?

Mom?!

MOM!

Everyone else at the park does.

Please get off your phone and pay attention to your boy.

Incidentally, that scream came from your son who just face planted into the hot rough sand. He needs you.

That incessant plea to be pushed on the swing is coming from your son.

Put your coffee aside and help your little boy get down from the monkey bars. He wants you.

He wants to spend time with you!

It’s not my job to tell your kid that throwing sand is not okay, not to mention barging in front of children half his age. Coming to the park is suppose to be fun for all of us. Sure it’s a drag when there are dozens of places we would rather be, but we are here so let’s make the best of it.

Be here.

Besides, would it kill you to engage with your child? Couldn’t you block the world out and chase him around in the grass for a few minutes? Why not take a load off and lay on your backs and count the clouds in sky? Build a magnificent sand castle? Slide down the slide together?

Do something.

Anything.

Laugh. Smile. Love.

It’s one afternoon, one hour, if that and I’m sure there will be no lasting effects, but childhood goes by way too fast and before you know it, an afternoon turns into a week and weeks become months and so on. I don’t want you to miss it.

Sincerely,

Someone who has been there.

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40 Things To Do While I’m 40

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So, like many of you I have a Bucket List of very lofty, somewhat expensive and sort out there things I would like to do before I die, but in the meantime, I have 40 immediate goals to tackle over the next 12 months (seeing as I have sort of missed the boat on things to do BEFORE turning 40).

Actually, I am very happy with my life, the way I look and the items that fill our family calendar. Oh, sure, I wish I had my pre-pregnancy tummy back, fewer gray hairs on my head, and a lot more free time, but I’m really okay welcoming a new decade.

My 40 things, in no particular order:

  1. Watch all 550 minutes of The Planet Earth DVDs.
  2. Run at least four 5Ks. The first one is coming up on July 4!
  3. Sell my parents house in Arizona.
  4. Find a new house here, buy it and move in. Whew!
  5. If we aren’t going to move, finish decorating our living room.
  6. Raise a puppy. More on this later.
  7. Have a baby or at least get and stay pregnant by June, 2013. I am SO ready to get off this roller coaster.
  8. Read one book (at the very least) per month.
  9. Stop letting so many phone calls go directly to voice mail (are you reading this, Leah?).
  10. Successfully potty train my son. It’s time, yo! 
  11. Finish writing my father’s story.
  12. Go easier on myself. In general. In all matters of my life.
  13. Resume my yoga practice.
  14. Walk the 1000 steps in Laguna Beach.
  15. Purge my stuff.
  16. Have an epic garage sale. See above.
  17. Drink more champagne.
  18. Take Lucas to the beach by myself. Just once.
  19. Schedule more one on one time with my sister.
  20. Take Lucas on the Radiator Springs Racers at Cars Land just as soon as he grows one inch taller. 🙂
  21. Eat more salads than sandwiches. At home.
  22. Spend less time blogging, tweeting, status updating, pinning and playing games. For reals!
  23. If I have to be on Pinterest, start trying some of the shit I pin.
  24. Meet more local bloggers in person.
  25. Make out with my husband more.
  26. Reach out to my family across the country more often.
  27. Lower expectations across the board.
  28. Cook more. I was on a roll for a while and then got lazy.
  29. Try new restaurants… Pizza Ortica, Chow, The Deck, Rooftop, etc.
  30. When eating out at the same old places, try something different on the menu for a change.
  31. Never lie about my age.
  32. Give paddle boarding a whirl.
  33. Go camping.
  34. Consider hiring a trainer.
  35. When moisturizing, never forget my neck!
  36. Mail medical insurance claims before my husband has a cow.
  37. Volunteer in Lucas’ classroom.
  38. Leave the phone in the car and really BE in the moment.
  39. Spend more time outdoors.
  40. Stop making lists!

Happy birthday to me.

Look for updates!

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Memories Of Daddy

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With Father’s Day just a week ago and mine and Lucas’ birthday this month, my dad has been on my mind a lot lately. There are so many big and little things that remind me of my dad, the time we spent together and what a great role model he was to me.

My dad and I had a very special bond and I was a Daddy’s Girl through and through. I miss our conversations, his genuine thirst for knowledge and his hugs most of all, but here’s what has been rising to the top of my memory bank and making me miss him a little more than usual (in no particular order):

1. Hearing my dad drop the F bomb the first time. It was directed at traffic and made me giggle like crazy.

2. A mortifying incident in which he yelled out the car window to a classmate of mine riding his bike after darting in front of us, “That’s the kind of thing that will get you killed.”. That was 18 years ago and recently my husband yelled the exact same thing as a biker crossed our path. I nearly peed in my pants.

3. My dad loved to dance, especially to 80’s music. Sadly, my dad was a terrible dancer, but you just had to admire his enthusiasm.

4. His roots. My father was born and raised in a very small town in Texas and while he grew to appreciate it, he did everything he could to leave that life far behind him. I wonder if he knew at 10 that someday he would work and live in Africa.

5. His loss. My dad lost his father when he was just six years old, his step-father when he was 21 and his mother at 32.

6. His steady grip and childlike humor as he walked me down the aisle. Twice.

7. Blue. His eyes were kind and the brightest shade of blue.

8. My father lived in Dockers and plaid button-down shirts, in varying degrees of blue, his favorite color. As a family, we lovingly referred to his shirts of choice as “Mike Adams” shirts because you could spot one a mile away.

9. His strong, capable rough hands. He was a nail biter and always wore both his wedding ring and his class ring (seen below).

10. His chicken scratch handwritten lists. He made lists for everything; things to do, movies to see, books he’d read, bills he paid, phone calls to make, etc., etc., etc. My love of lists comes directly from my father.

My dad on my wedding day – August 4, 2007.

Linking up with Stasha’s Monday Listicles, a meme right up my alley, because I LOVE lists! Thanks to Kim of The G is Silent for coming up with this week’s topic: celebrate your father with 10 happy memories. I could have gone on and on and on with this list.

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I’m Ready!

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No matter what anyone says, turning 40 is a big deal.

You spend your whole 39th year thinking about it.

At least I did.

Especially the last few months, weeks and days.

In just four more sleeps I will wake up 40.

40.

It sounds so… foreign.

You thought I was going to say old, didn’t you?

Hardly. I feel anything but old. Besides, isn’t 40 the new 30?

Some of my best friends are 40 and are doing it fabulously!

What you don’t think about are all the changes that happen to your body, your life, and your mind, ready or not. Life is definitely happening and I think 40 means you’ve got more of an opinion (for sure), more experience (debatable), more resources (thank goodness), more responsibility (ugh) and maybe even new dreams (yes!) of your ever changing future.

A lot of reminiscing and accounting takes place leading up to the big 4-0. I’ve been asking myself what I have accomplished in the last 10 years and what I’d like to tackle in the next 10. I can’t wait to experience what this new decade has in store for me.

In many ways it feels like it was just yesterday that I turned 30.

This decade has gone by so fast and it has been both the best and worst of my life.

I celebrated my 30th birthday at a favorite local restaurant.

It saddens me that of the 10 people at that table back in June 2002, two are dead and seven I no longer speak to with any sort of regularity. These were people I thought would always be in my life.

My marriage was falling apart and becoming a mother was the furthest thing from my mind. The one constant has been my sister, who I am eternally grateful for.

So, although the cast of characters has changed a bit, I am blessed to be surrounded by love, support and good people.

I’m ready for a new era, new beginnings and new adventures.

I’m ready to celebrate how far I’ve come and look forward to what lies ahead.

I plan to keep strutting my stuff and doing the best I can to be a good wife, mother, sister and friend.

Bring it on, 40.

I’m ready!

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The Waiting Room

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A coffee table covered with the latest magazines.

12 chairs.

1 love seat.

After over a year of treatments and planing my exit, I always opt for a seat near the door because I’m still in denial that I have to be here at all.

Couples sit close enough to touch or are clasping hands.

Coffee is provided on a table, which also houses a plastic container full of pamphlets on pharmacies, insurance coverage and coping advice.

The majority of the patients are tapping away on their phones or have their heads buried in a magazine pretending to be engrossed in an article. Some just stare at the floor.

The uptempo jazz being pumped into the room does zero to alleviate the desperation in the air.

No words are ever spoken apart from the rare, but polite bless you after a sneeze.

Eyes never meet.

Smiles are never shared.

All of us are waiting on the edge of our seats for good news.

The instant the front door is opened, we all jump a little and then silently wonder to ourselves, where is she in her cycle.

One of the cruelest jokes of all is the nurse that calls out our names when it’s our turn is 5 months pregnant.

I loathe the waiting room.

But I continue to have hope.

This adorns one of the walls at my RE’s office.

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