Tonya

About Last Night

Posted on January 12, 2012 Written by Tonya

Last night Lucas finally went to sleep somewhere between 8:00 and 8:30, after multiple ~~pleads~~ visits from both Mom and Dad to “settle down”.

I love this time of the day, the hours that we reclaim our house and get to enjoy the peace, the calm after the storm, if you will; a real conversation, a movie from start to finish or other adult activity.

Tonight, however, went something more like this….

Todd nestled in our bed with his laptop to write an appraisal for work and I was in the living room spread out on the couch watching TV, computer on my lap and wine in hand. I was tweeting, pinteresting, catching up on blogs and above all, relaxing, in other words, I was multitasking.

It was after 10:00 by the time I made it to bed. Todd was asleep shortly there after. I laid next to him quietly and read for an hour and a half… 100 pages!

At 11:45 I turned off the light.

There in the dark, even though I said I wasn’t going to do it, it beckoned me.

And you know what happened next… one Website sent me to another and then another and another and another and…

I played six turns of Scrabble (scored one bingo!), five turns of Words With Friends, tweeted more, pinned five new items, checked out my Facebook news feed, commented, “liked”, listened to the whirl of the dish washer run through nine cycles, nudged my partner a couple of times to stop the snoring, thought I heard Lucas open the door to his room twice and all the while cursing myself for being up past my bedtime AGAIN!

Then I ~~wrote~~ typed this post.

Stupid phone.

(Written and) sent from my iPhone

That Girl

Posted on January 11, 2012 Written by Tonya

I honestly don’t pay that much attention to the number of followers I have or the traffic my blog receives on any given day, but I do notice that every time I write about my grief over losing my parents, I lose one or two readers.

Especially if it’s consecutive posts, like last week: Ashes To Ashes / I Thought Of You Today.

Maybe it’s a coincidence, but I worry about it from time to time and bring it up because I don’t want to be “that girl”, the one that “always writes about her parents deaths”.

Letters For Lucas is a place where I feel it is safe and appropriate to be open and honest about my loss and love of my mom and dad, but I can’t help but wonder why I lose followers.

I’m not offended, I’d just really like to know…

Was it the subject matter? Was there not enough description or possibly way too much? Maybe I just rubbed someone the wrong way or perhaps they needed one less blog to read. Those are all fair reasons to stop following and trust me, I understand how uncomfortable death and loss is to read about.

Why do you stop following a blog?

For those of you that have stuck in there with me, thank you! I appreciate all of the support, virtual hugs and kind comments. I pour my heart and soul into my posts and they are very therapeutic. I know in my case, the way my parents died is very unusual and part of the way I grieve is by writing. It has helped me survive something that could have dropped me to my knees for the rest of my life.

Loss is a part of life and while for my parents it was too instant and too soon, there will never be anything I can do to change it, so I write about and remember and heal a little bit each day.

I am never ever looking for sympathy, just a connection.

Having said that, I do promise to try to lighten the mood around here.

A Moment Of Grace

Posted on January 10, 2012 Written by Tonya

I always know what I’m going to get when I visit These Little Waves; a welcome pause from my hectic day and demanding tot, a warm fuzzy feeling in my heart and a smile on my face.

Galit writes the way I hope to someday. Her words are tender and delicious, inviting and rich with description and full of life. Galit’s letter this week is no exception. I dare you to read it and not come away feeling a little warmer from the inside out.

I am very honored to have my friend here today sharing a single moment that helped her through her early days of motherhood.

Dear Beth,

I know that’s your name even though we’ve hardly spoken. Our teaching days were busy and our schedules were different, but I remember you.

We passed in the halls and nodded our Good Mornings. Your flowing dresses, plum colored hair, and black tinted nails a sharp contrast to my crisp lines and sharp edges.

You were vivid.

I think “new” is the best word to describe how I was then. New Minnesotan, new teacher, new mom.

Every week, my lesson plans were thoroughly penned and strictly followed. I wanted to know exactly what to expect – in everything I did.

Motherhood stretched that shade of my skin.

One time, you witnessed this.

Jason brought the girls to school for a visit

Kayli was three-ish and a rule follower, Chloe was one-ish and anything but.

She was mid-tantrum when you walked by.

Belly down, arms flailing, legs kicking, voice rising.

And I? Was lost. Blushing, sweating, tearing. Lost.

I was kneeling next to Chloe when the scent of your perfume, flowers and sunshine and all that is strong, caught me. In return, you caught my eye.

Shoulder back, chin up, smile wide. “Two?” You asked.

“Very.” I answered, brushing a strand of my hair behind one ear when what I really wanted to do was pull it forward, hide behind it.

But you didn’t let me.

You reached for my hand and said, “So been there.” And with one squeeze, you went on, your fuschia parting the way.

I’ve kept that moment of grace wrapped in my heart.

You opened my eyes, didn’t let me take myself too seriously, and reminded me of all that is kindness and all that is grace.

And for that? I thank you, and remember you.

Galit

It’s Potty Time!

Posted on January 9, 2012 Written by Tonya

Lucas is 2 1/2.

It’s time.

He’s been in a twin bed since April, off the bottle since June and attending preschool since August.

I know it’s time.

Once Upon a Potty, Prince of the Potty, Everybody Poops, Potty Time With Elmo and Potty Animals; we own them all and have read them all. Six dozen times each.

There’s interest there.

On his part, I think.

Cars underwear has been purchased (and probably outgrown).

We have the potty seat and he’s been on it once or twice, thanks to Daddy.

But, his mom, on the other hand, she is still hesitating,

procrastinating,

and dreading beyond words, what I know must be the next milestone we reach:

potty training!

Please send wine, any helpful and/or successful tips, four leaf clovers, rabbit’s foot key chains and cupcakes my way. Thank you.

Relishing Quiet

Posted on January 8, 2012 Written by Tonya

Admittedly, I was not prepared for a lot of things when it came to becoming a mother, but the insane amount of noise has got to be the most frustrating.

I did not know that from sun up to sun down chitter chatter, mumbo jumbo and other strange and peculiar sounds would come flooding out of my son.

Lucas recounts his day, acts outs books we read and shows he watches, relives events that took place the previous week and asks a million questions in between.

Oh my God, the questions… they make my head spin as I carefully do my best to answer each one.

What are you doing?

Why are you doing that?

Where did that come from?

Where are we going?

Why are we going this way?

Who will be there?

Do they have cars?

Can I get a car?

What about a train?

Most of the time it is music to my ears. I love being able to carry on a complete conversation with Lucas and hearing him talk to himself and sing is delightful, but sometimes I feel like my head might explode from the incessantness. He never shuts up. His mind is curious and he has a lot to say.

Sometimes I need a moment of silence.

A moment to catch my breath and hear myself think.

A moment longer than a stolen bathroom break will allow, especially since my little boy is typically accompanying me in there as well.

Can I flush the toilet when you’re done?

Can I see?

Can I close the lid?

Why are you washing your hands?

I need to wash my hands too.

Mmm, that soap smells good.

I need to take a bath tonight.

After Lucas finally goes to bed each night, I feel guilty for being so silent around my husband, but I am relishing quiet as much as I know he is.

How do you cope with the noise maker(s) in your life?

I Thought Of You Today

Posted on January 4, 2012 Written by Tonya

I thought of you today as I cut up sheets of Lucas’ school photos and made piles for family members. There should be a pile for you.

I thought of you today when the construction and remodeling company called me this afternoon to give me an update on the work being done to your house, the house Leah and I now own.

I thought of you today when an old colleague of yours commented on something I uploaded on Facebook.

I thought of you today while I drove to the grocery store because the song, What a Fool Believes came on the radio. I could almost hear Daddy singing along completely off key.

I thought of you today as I sat back and quietly watched Lucas playing, busy moving his trains up and down the tracks on his train table and wished more than ever that you could be there with me watching quietly too.

I thought of you today when I caught the scent of a woman in line in front of me at Starbucks because she smelled just like you. I didn’t even have to ask her what perfume she was wearing.

I thought of you today as I carefully packed away Christmas decorations, proud of myself for making it through another holiday without you.

I thought of you today after I received a text message from Leah about an epiphany she had and I wondered if you were here, would she had shared it with me at all.

I thought of you today when I lifted Lucas up to see a wedding photo on the wall and he pointed out, without hesitation, his Grandpa Adams.

I thought of you today, but that was nothing new.

The Golden Years

Posted on January 3, 2012 Written by Tonya

A couple of months ago, Rachel of Mommy Needs a Vacation shared a beautiful letter for my series, Letters For You called One Tear.

Rachel wrote a heart wrenching letter to her father, Stinson, whom she was afraid of losing the year before.

Stinson read his daughter’s letter for the first time the day it ran here was compelled to respond.

I am extremely honored to share his words to his daughter with all of you today.

Dear Rachel,

I’ve had a chance to read the letter you wrote several times today. Each time I read it, it brings me to tears. It is not only well written but so obviously heartfelt and sincere. It is a treasure I will covet the rest of my life.

I very much enjoyed this past week when all of you were here. It was a wonderful week in which there were so many special moments with each of you individually as well as a family as a whole. More times than I can tell you during this past week, I thought about the last time you were here with Sadie and Tyler (June 2010). That wasn’t nearly as good a visit because as you know, I was only days away from back surgery and in horrific pain the whole time you were here. It was almost impossible to enjoy the kids on that visit because of the pain although I do remember that the kids were both sweet in their own way and seemed to understand I wasn’t feeling good. There were times they each made me forget about the pain—Sadie asking if I had my yogurt and bread for dinner and Tyler crawling at the speed of light across the room after who knows what.

This past week was a stark contrast to your previous visit. Whether it was Sadie or Tyler asking to use my iPad, hugs in the morning and at bedtime, the expression on Sadie’s face when “driving” the golf cart or Tyler reaching for me the afternoon I got him up from his nap, so many moments generated special memories of fun times and represented the blessings of a life I almost lost. Sharing some of the best wine I have collected over the years with you was something I had dreamed about when you were Tyler’s age but little did I know at the time that the enjoyment of wine would become a shared passion.

Playing golf with you and Josh was something I couldn’t have fathomed in June 2010. Getting to play golf with Josh so many times during the week was wonderful not only because it was fun but because it was special to spend some one on one time with my son-in-law and rejoice in the fact that he is the father of my grandchildren and husband of my daughter. More times than I can recount, you confirmed how good a mother you are and why you have been one of my most cherished pride and joys for over half of my life. I shall never forget the expression on your face when Sadie and I walked in from “playing” golf. You could tell we had a great time before anything was said and without saying so, your expression revealed that you knew she had enjoyed the time with her grandfather.

Life is a gift that becomes more and more precious with time. When you come as close as I did to losing it, as you so aptly expressed in your letter, it becomes all the more precious as experienced last week. Your mother and I are, I suppose, in what is often called the “golden years” and you, Josh, Sadie and Tyler are a big part of why they really and truly are “golden.”

I love you all,
Dad

One very happy grandpa, Christmas 2011

Ashes To Ashes

Posted on January 2, 2012 Written by Tonya

Each time the topic of what to do with my parents comes up, I freeze. I don’t have any deep thoughts on the subject, I just become mute.

My sister would much very like to scatter their ashes somewhere special, a place where we could go and “visit” them, she says. A place that is quiet and just for them and us, too. A memorial with a plaque or bench that would allow us to pause and reflect and remember.

Sounds peaceful, right?

I understand the importance of establishing a permanent memorial to help us deal with the continued cycle of loss, but I like them being on the top shelf in my closet, side by side greeting me each and every morning.

As strange as it may sound seeing their urns and knowing that they are there is comforting.

But I suppose she’s right, it would be nice to have somewhere to go.

But where?

Arizona might be appropriate. They loved the desert (even in the dead of summer) and all of our fondest memories of them are of our time there together in their home in Tucson. Selfishly though, how often would we get out there to reflect?

Although they weren’t water people, I have always thought being scattered at sea would be pleasant/romantic/circle of life-ish, but apparently there are all sorts of regulations and somehow that doesn’t feel right either.

Most couples have special places that they enjoy being together, but I can’t think of where that might be for my mom and dad.

My aunt once suggested somewhere near the college campus where they met, but that doesn’t make sense to me. Canyon, Texas was definitely a pivotal location in their history, but it was only a starting point for all the amazing things they did.

My parents spent almost 30 years living in far away places; Asia, Africa, South America and not one of them stands out as their proper resting place.

As much as I would like to help my sister through her grieving process, I hope it’s okay that they just hang out in my closet for a little while longer. Plus, I have visions of them attending her wedding someday.

Happy New Year!

Posted on January 2, 2012 Written by Tonya

Once upon a time…

There’s something magical about a beginning.

A fresh start.

A different approach.

A new way of looking at things.

A promise of things to come.

My Letters For Lucas tag line used to be: The best is yet to be and I still believe that. Wholeheartedly.

I don’t make New Year’s resolutions anymore, but I do several things each and every January 1 to get ready for the year ahead…. I start using a new tooth brush and new tube of mascara, I wash all my make up brushes, put a new box of Arm & Hammer baking soda in the refrigerator, mail our holiday thank you cards and fill out a new paper calendar (I’m old school that way).

This year, I want more of the same… to go a little easier on myself and those around me, breathe a little deeper, love a little stronger, hold on a little tighter, learn to live in the moment and drink more water.

I’m expecting BIG things from 2012, not withstanding a little work on my part.

I hope your New Year is off to a fabulous start and that everything you set out to do this year happens just the way it’s meant to.

Reflections

Posted on December 31, 2011 Written by Tonya

The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection. – Thomas Paine

As I took down our Christmas decorations yesterday, I thought about my year. As always, it was full of ups and downs, sweet memories and milestones, moments I wish could have lasted forever and days that I would never want to relive. All I could think is I hope 2012 has more of the same. Well maybe a few more ups than downs.

One of the many reasons I love having a blog is the chronicling of my life, which in large part revolves around my sweet boy, Lucas. Letters For Lucas is a place where I can share my thoughts and receive an abundance of support, no matter what the subject matter.

My 2011 recap would not be complete without mentioning my weekly series, Letters For You, which I launched in September. I am so proud to host this series and I’m constantly overwhelmed by its warm response.

This year, I attended my first two blog conferences and was finally able to meet many of the women that have meant so much to me in the blogging world and am pleased to now call IRL (in real life) friends.

I enjoyed going back and re-reading my 2011 posts and had a lot of fun choosing these photos and my favorites, all that I feel sum up my year.

Click each photo to find my favorite Letters For Lucas post from that month.

Please enjoy and however you choose to ring in the new year, be blessed.