Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

We Made It!

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As women, I don’t think we are ever more vulnerable (sensitive, wacky, hormonal, crazed or sleep deprived) than when we are pregnant or new mothers.

I wrote a post today for Smart Mom Style about my favorite newborn/baby gear and in doing so, I went through hundreds dozens of photos I have of Lucas as a newborn and in an instant, I was transported back to those early days of being unsure of myself and scared out of my wits. Nine months of preparation turned out to be no preparation at all.

Look at him, he fit in a basket! 

So tiny and fragile. I thought I would break him in half every time I changed his diaper. And those cries like bird calls were so foreign to me. So desperate. I cried too. I question my every decision and my ability to care for this little creature.

Both of us were brand new, me in my role and hm to the world. Both of us so uncertain of what was ahead of us.

The only constant was love.

And trust.

Lots of trust.

Now those early days make me smile with pride. We made it! 

I would go back in a heartbeat, knowing what I know now, of course, but I am also loving exactly where we are today…

Always trusting,

always loving.

Lucas, one month old - Photo by Stephanie Ann Photography

Linking up with Galit (These Little Waves) and Alison’s (Mama Wants This) monthly link up, Memories Captured.

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My Tree: A Timeline

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As you may or may not know, my parents died while working in Tunis, Tunisia. My father was the principal of an American international school and my mother was a third-grade teacher.

A month after they died, the school planted two olive trees on campus in their memory. It was a lovely gesture and my sister, husband and I were to attend the dedication ceremony. I often think about those trees, what they symbolize and how they came to be.

American Cooperative School of Tunis – November, 2007

Two months later, my husband worked with our gardener to find an olive tree for our backyard and gave it to me as a Christmas gift. It is the most thoughtful gift I have ever received. I love that tree and enjoyed watching it flourish.

Pregnant with Lucas – April, 2009

Two years and a baby later, my husband opened his own car dealership and we moved.

Our moving day – December, 2011 (Lucas is 1 1/2)

The tree was one of the things I was most worried about because we weren’t going to take it with us. Until we got settled in a new city, we would be renting. Mercifully, the gentleman that bought our house said the olive tree could stay until we purchased a new home.

This past February, the new owner changed his mind, got a puppy who enjoys digging at the tree and decided he wanted to do something else with the yard space that has become my tree’s home.

My husband reached out to our old gardener and other tree removal companies and a couple of weekends ago with the help of a good friend, relocated my tree to the backyard of our rental home.

Moving day for the tree – February 19, 2012

It looks a lot different; sad, completely traumatized and barren, but we are hopeful that it will hang in there and someday flourish again.

My tree today, one month after being uprooted

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Motherhood

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Motherhood can be a roller coaster ride. Each day is different from the last. It is not for the faint of heart or weak stomached.

Motherhood is calculating the number of diapers and extra clothes you think you might need knowing no matter how many extras you pack, you will not have enough.

Motherhood is reluctantly allowing one (or two) special treats because of the adorable way they were asked for.

Motherhood is beaming with delight when three complete strangers compliment you on your two year old’s inflight behavior.

Motherhood is begging your child not to open the door of the public bathroom stall while you’re half naked. Repeatedly.

Motherhood is sweating through your pantyhose as you struggle to get a car seat installed correctly in a rental car.

Arriving at Tucson International Airport.

Motherhood is rising blood pressure and thinning patience when your son will not sit still, stop whining, or accept any of the activities you’ve brought for him to do while at a very adult function.

Motherhood is quickly scrubbing crayon out of a pew cushion before anyone notices.

The scene of the crime!

Motherhood is coaxing a child to eat and worrying about his nutrition intake, but still offer ice cream in exchange for ten more bites.

Motherhood is pretending to call the ice cream store only to find out they are closed.

Motherhood is capturing small moments that will forever be etched in your memory.

No trip to Tucson would be complete without a visit to Bookman's, our favorite used bookstore.

Motherhood is doing three loads of laundry in the middle of the night, wiping sweating brows, singing lullabies and willing whatever nasty bug has attacked your child to leave him in peace.

Motherhood is searching the Internet at 2 in the morning and again at 3:15 for tips on how to treat a dehydrated child.

Motherhood is heart swelling tenderness as he reaches for you and only you.

Motherhood is heavy sighs and silent gratitude as your poor sick child finally drifts off to sleep and do does your leg because he’s in your lap.

Motherhood for me was all of the above over the last 24 hours. All of the above and an indescribable willingness to do it all over again. That’s motherhood.

 

A HUGE big thank you to Lucas’ aunt Leah for all her help on our quick and very eventful trip to Tucson.

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If I Had Known…

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If I had known the last time I saw you was going to be the last time I’d ever see you…

… I would have hugged you a little tighter and a lot longer.

… I would have studied your face memorizing each and every line.

… I would have reached for your hand and squeezed it hard, never wanting to let you go.

… I would bottled up your scent.

… I would have listened more carefully to your story, gleaning from all your wisdom. 

… I would have told you how beautiful you looked that day.

… I would have insisted on another photograph.

… I would have expressed my sincerest gratitude for all that I have because of you.

… I would have said “I love you” one more time.

… I would have willed you to stay.

If only I had known.

This photograph was taken on my wedding day, (August 4, 2007) it is the last photo I have with my parents. They died two months later.

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I’m Still In Shock

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I am certain I earned my mom wings yesterday.

I didn’t freak out.

I didn’t yell.

I was shocked.

I was confused.

I may have cried a little, but otherwise I think I handled the situation very well.

I didn’t think we were above it, I have heard awful stories, but I also didn’t think it would ever happen to us.

My son can’t even take off his own pants yet…

I did not expect to find what I did when I approached his room and heard cheerful singing after his nap.

Upon entering, he greets me with “we need to get a new wall”.

I thought about taking photos and then I thought better.

Poop.

It was everywhere…

Caked all over the wall above his bed, all over him, his sheets, his pillow, his clothes, his lovey, his hair, his books. Under his finger nails, smeared into the nightstand and his favorite stuffed kitty.

It was disgusting and I was mortified.

I didn’t know what to clean up first.

I stripped the bed, stripped him, marched to the kitchen for the 409, started a load of laundry and drew a bath. It was as though it never even happened. And then I had a margarita. Or three.

Our new house mantra? Don’t ever, ever touch poo poo!

Ever.

 

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For The Love Of All Things Pinned

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Pinterest is all the rage. If you still don’t know what Pinterest is, good. Stay away for your own sake. There’s an app, people so you can pin anywhere, anytime and it’s as addicting as crack. I am not exaggerating. Not that I’ve ever tried crack.

It has become one of my favorite ways to waste precious time pastimes.

I have gobs of fun finding new things to pin, repinning others, attempting to make, bake, cook or create things I’ve pinned and of course poking fun at the whole damn pin thing.

With 41 boards, almost 3500 pins and over 500 Pinterest followers, I pin a lot!

I pin stuff I like to look at, products I want to check out, words and photographs that inspire, comfort or make me giggle, ideas for arts and crafts and other activities to do with Lucas, clothing I wish was in my closet, places I hope to see someday, celebrity crushes (both male and female) and an ever growing wish list. The Internet is your oyster!

These are my five recent pins as of Wednesday, February 1, 4:27 PM. NO JUDGING!
I have no idea how to credit this pin… I found it on my friend Rachel’s board, Wine Humor, repinned it to my board, Cheers and followed it back six pinners deep and still found no original link.

Who knows how many times it has been pinned? I’m guessing a lot because it’s hilarious. My point is, this is a big no-no in pinning! Always give proper credit to pins is the #1 rule of pinning!

Rule #2 Never pin when you’re hungry. It’s just stupid. I am SO making these!

OMG, YUM! Click photo for source.

Rule #3 Just because you haven’t been out of the country in years, doesn’t mean you won’t again someday. A girl can always dream. Can’t she? And make sure her Passport is valid.

Shangri-La Vilingili Resort, Maldives. Click on photo for source.

Rule #4 A Wish List is just that! It doesn’t mean you’re going to rush out and buy whatever you’ve pinned, but one of your many kind followers could. Just sayin’!

I heart DMB and must have these! Click on photo for source.

Rule #5 It’s my time to waste. As long as there’s a carton of milk in the fridge, the laundry is done, everyone else in the house is asleep and I have absolutely nothing better to do. So there.

The Ryan Gosling "Hey Girl" series cracks me up! Click photo for source.

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt 2.) Are you on Pinterest? Share the last five items you pinned, choose one and let it inspire a blog post.

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Reflections

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The real man smiles in trouble, gathers strength from distress, and grows brave by reflection. – Thomas Paine

As I took down our Christmas decorations yesterday, I thought about my year. As always, it was full of ups and downs, sweet memories and milestones, moments I wish could have lasted forever and days that I would never want to relive. All I could think is I hope 2012 has more of the same. Well maybe a few more ups than downs.

One of the many reasons I love having a blog is the chronicling of my life, which in large part revolves around my sweet boy, Lucas. Letters For Lucas is a place where I can share my thoughts and receive an abundance of support, no matter what the subject matter.

My 2011 recap would not be complete without mentioning my weekly series, Letters For You, which I launched in September. I am so proud to host this series and I’m constantly overwhelmed by its warm response.

This year, I attended my first two blog conferences and was finally able to meet many of the women that have meant so much to me in the blogging world and am pleased to now call IRL (in real life) friends.

I enjoyed going back and re-reading my 2011 posts and had a lot of fun choosing these photos and my favorites, all that I feel sum up my year.

Click each photo to find my favorite Letters For Lucas post from that month.

Please enjoy and however you choose to ring in the new year, be blessed.

Linking up with some of my favorite bloggers and their awesome, I-wish-I-had- thought-of-that link ups:

Mommy of a Monster

Happy New Year, everyone!

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Memories

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How far back do your memories go? Can you remember being two or three years old? Do you really remember or have you just studied photographs and heard the same stories over and over again?

I often wonder what Lucas will recall when he thinks back on his childhood.

Will he remember…

from time to time that his mom had black nail polish?

that every time a Dave Matthews Band song plays I ask him, “who sings this?” and giggle at his response?

that I’m always a couple minutes early to pick him up from preschool?

that I wear an “angel baby” necklace almost every day and my sister has a matching one?

how the song In My Life makes me cry because it reminds me of my father?

how his dad makes the majority of our meals because I’m a complete oaf in the kitchen?

how I may get so frustrated with him that I want to poke my eyes out with forks but the minute I am away from him I yearned to be near him again?

that in our house objects are not “it” but “he” and “she”?

that I’d be lost without my friends and the ones that have children I hope he grows up to be friends with too?

that his dad wakes up with him every morning so that they can spend a couple of hours together before he has to go to work?

Will he remember the Christmas morning we spent with his cousins, Annabelle and Francesca and the joy he exuded being chased around his aunt and uncle’s house, or…

“playing” the piano?

sitting in our laps to hear the book Purplicious three dozen times?

play dates with new friends with far cooler toys than his?

Visiting Nichole (In These Small Moments) and meeting her children, Katie and Matthew - December 23, 2011

meeting Fireman Steve and sitting in a fire truck?

Fireman Steve, Annabelle, Lucas and Francesca at the Moraga/Orinda Fire Station - December 26, 2011

Whatever Lucas recalls, I pray he remembers feeling special, adored and happy.

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