Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Old School Blogging: Reflections

Posted on January 14, 2015 Written by Tonya

I’m linking up with Elaine of The Miss Elaine-ous Life for a little Old School Blogging and today I’m doing some major reflecting on jobs I’ve had, idols, personal accomplishments and my last meal….

Who do you idolize?
The 15-year-old in me wants to shout Dave Matthews because… Dave Matthews.

The mother in me wants to say my fertility doctor because… Lola.

But really, anyone who has more creativity than me, whether it’s artistically, or musically, someone who can look at the contents of my refrigerator and cupboards and come up with an amazing meal, people that can draw anything other than a stick figure, people who are kind beyond measure and go out of their way consistently to do things for others, people that write and speak effortlessly and with passion and conviction, these are the people I idolize.

What is something you are really proud of that you have accomplished?
I hope it goes without saying that I’m really proud of my children and my marriage (most days).

I also love that I have kept up with an exercise regime that works for me and makes me feel good. I walked 534 miles in 2014!

I’m proud of the many 5Ks I’ve participated in, the one half-marathon and three (!) Susan G. Komen 3-day walks.

I’m really proud of the infertility column I wrote for SheKnows. I shared what I was experiencing on a day-to-day basis with my own struggle and it was always from my heart. I know that my words helped other women battling infertility and hopefully still do.

I’m proud that I submitted and read a piece I wrote in front of a large audience for Listen To Your Mother two years ago.

What is something that you are not so proud of?
I am not proud of my behavior sometimes. I hate that I get to a point with my son where I yell. I hate yelling!! We seem to be having a listening problem.

I have a tendency to be selfish and fly off the handle, as they say. My husband gets the brunt of it and it’s completely unfair. I’m working on my patience level and lowering my expectations.

Who was your best friend when you were 5, 6, or 7? Tell me something about them.
Charmaine was my first sleep-over-mimic-the-dance-moves to Grease 2-shaved-my-legs-with-for-the-first-time real friend. We met in second grade while both living in Karachi, Pakistan and are still friends today. She lives in Holland and I haven’t seen her since 1985 but I love that we have kept in touch over the years.

What is one thing you wish you could still do but may seem impossible right now?
A really good cartwheel or the splits. For as much yoga and other exercise that I do, I am so not flexible.

If you could chose it, what would be your last meal?
Filet Mignon with peppercorn sauce, my husband’s twice-baked potatoes, steamed broccoli, a glass of The Dreaming Tree Cabernet and cannoli for dessert.

What are two or three jobs you’ve had that you liked?
There are aspects of every job I’ve ever had that I really enjoyed. Mostly the people and relationships, and there were aspects that were downright awful. Mostly the people. Just kidding. I’m most grateful for working in publishing at two different companies, Fancy Publications and Crain Communications.

I think my favorite job was my early years of working in an advertising agency. The creativity and buzz was electric and I really felt a part of something special. It was my dream job. I thrived on the impossible deadlines and late hours, until I didn’t.

What is one job that you did not like?
The first job I accepted out of college I hated mainly because of the bitchy women and I worked with and also because I was asked to change my name. Long story but there was another Tonya on staff so I went by my middle name. It was a stupid and regrettable decision on my part.

What is your least favorite chore around the house?
Hands-down unloading the dishwasher!

How tall are you? Do you wish you were taller? Shorter?
5′ 7 1/2″ and I’m okay with it. I haven’t always been, especially when dating shorter guys.

How old are you? What is something you have learned in those years that you want to share?
I am 42 and a 1/2 and yes, the half is still important to me today as it was when I was 5 and a 1/2!

I’m still learning, but one thing lately I know for sure is that when being seated at a restaurant, it’s okay to say, “I don’t want to sit here, can we find another table?”.

I also cannot implore younger women enough to take care of their skin… sunscreen, sunscreen, sunscreen! Apply it everywhere, not just your face but your entire neck and upper chest. I wish I had started that process a lot earlier.

As I’ve gotten older, I’ve grown more comfortable in my skin and with my body and that is something I never thought would happen.

What is one of your favorite quotes on love, life or motherhood (choose one)?
I am a collector of quotes so this is nearly impossible to answer, but one that I come back to over and over again is: “And the day came when the risk it took to remain tight in a bud was more painful then the risk it took to blossom.” – Anais Nin

But I also love: “Always be a first rate version of yourself, and not a second rate version of someone else.” – Judy Garland

And there’s this one: “The real things haven’t changed. It is still best to be honest and truthful; to make the most of what we have; to be happy with simple pleasures; and have courage when things go wrong.” – Laura Ingalls Wilder

Related Posts:

  • Old School Blogging: The ABC’s Of Me
  • Old School Blogging: Full-On Random
  • Old School Blogging: I Am

Filed Under: advice, aging, blog hop, DMB, Listen To Your Mother, old school blogging, question, quotes, random, SheKnows, TDA bio Tagged With: advice, aging, blog hop, DMB, Listen To Your Mother, old school blogging, question, quotes, random, SheKnows, TDA bio, The Miss Elaine-ous Life

She Writes

Posted on April 29, 2014 Written by Tonya

Elaine of The Miss Elaine-ous Life tagged me in her recent post on writing and the timing couldn’t be better as I am exploring what I want to do with my blog and writing in general.

I used to consider myself just another mommy blogger and then I learned to abhor that title and then I considered myself just a writer because at the time and for several months I was getting paid to write. Now I’m not sure what I am. I write as many blog posts as I can but I’m having difficulty finding the time anymore and when I do write I am super critical of my work. 

My goal has always been to write from the heart or not at all. I believe I’m known in the blogosphere as that girl that lost both her parents tragically and/or that girl that battled and then beat(!) her secondary infertility. I was lucky enough to have my own infertility column at SheKnows for close to a year. My articles can still be found here. I am most proud of those posts.

1. What am I working on?
I’m always working on a blog post in my head or sleep or shower and have over 80 drafts… some are just a sentence or two or idea for a topic I want to explore in more depth and others are several paragraphs long but I am still editing and reediting and making myself bonkers over.

2. How does my writing differ from other’s of it’s genre?
Simple, my writing is mine. My words. My story. My life. There are many bloggers/writers that are better at their craft than I am but I believe the more I write, the better I’ll get.

The very best compliment that I have received about my blog and writing is that I write exactly the way I talk. I like that.

3. Why do I write what I do?
In the first year of Letters For Lucas, my posts were literally that, letters to my son, Lucas. I wanted to document his life and how motherhood was shaping me, or should I say, reshaping me. It has since grown and evolved and became a place that I truly treasure. Nowadays I only visit and share sporadically and when it comes to my writing and what I share, sometimes I need to write what I do to get it out of my head, to document it and other times I just want to because it’s fun.

4. How does my writing process work?
I love when the words just flow out of me, when there’s little thought and lots of emotion, when I don’t second guess myself or scrutinize over every word. It doesn’t happen very often but when it does, it’s magic! Usually wine is involved.

write

For me, if and when I get to the point where I press <publish> then I’ve succeed and beyond that, the feedback and reaction I get to what I’ve shared is what I thrive on. 

Thanks, again, Elaine for asking me about my writing process.

Now it’s your turn…. Natalie of Mommy of a Monster and Coreen of The Adventures of Captain Fussypants & Little Miss, tell us about your writing process!

Related Posts:

  • Old School Blogging: Reflections
  • Listen To Your Mother
  • My Best Of 2012

Filed Under: blog, blog hop, SheKnows, writing Tagged With: blog, blog hop, Mommy of a Monster, SheKnows, The Adventures of Captain Fussypants & Little Miss, The Miss Elaine-ous Life, writing

The Year That Was

Posted on January 1, 2014 Written by Tonya

I love new years, fresh starts and having a calendar full of blank pages just aching to be filled with fun activities and new memories.

I also enjoy looking back on the year that was and 2013 was a big one for me and my family. Here are some of our highlights, many of which I have shared here, click on links for posts you may have missed.

January
I discovered Cardio Barre and became obsessed, attending classes two to three times per week through May.

My first infertility post ran on SheKnows. The column ran for six months and still helps woman today.

February
I submitted a piece I wrote called We Are Enemies to Listen To Your Mother in Sacramento.

March
I auditioned for Listen To Your Mother and was selected to be a part of the 2013 cast!

We were kicked out of the house we were renting because of our dog and moved into a two-bedroom apartment.

On St. Patrick’s Day, I had my second egg retrieval.

My girlfriend and I attended a Sweet 16 NCAA basketball game… U of A (our alma mater) vs. Ohio.

April
In order to detox, I drank a smoothie a day for the entire month and went on a strict no buying program!

May
We transferred one embryo and it worked!!

I met my sister’s boyfriend for the first time.

June
Charlie Pasta turned one year old!

Lucas turned four years old!

I saw Mumford & Sons and Beyonce in concert.

Lucas went to his first baseball game.

After the better part of five years, my sister and I finally sold our parents house in Tucson.

I celebrated my 41st birthday.

July
We spent Fourth of July weekend in Santa Barbara.

I made it to 12 weeks!

I saw Justin Timberlake and Jay Z in concert and to date, it was one of the best!!

August
My husband and I celebrated our sixth anniversary and we found out we were having a girl!

Lucas spent three nights with his grandparents while Todd and I were in Monterrey.

Lucas and I spent a fun beach day with Robin and her family in San Diego.

I graduated from my fertility doctor’s office.

Letters for Lucas turned four years old!

September
We spent Labor Day weekend in La Jolla.

My dear friend, Nichole flew down from Sacramento for one night to join me at a Dave Matthews Band concert.

October
We lit sky lanterns and remembered our parents six years later.

I saw Katy Perry & Friends in concert with my sister.

My sister and I took Lucas to visit my aunt and uncle in Dallas.

November
We moved into our new house!!

I saw Justin Timberlake in concert again!

I made it to the critical 32 week point of my pregnancy.

December
Lucas started going to preschool four days a week

We hosted Christmas in our new house.

I calculated that I walked 365 miles this year!

I’m looking forward to all that lies ahead and wishing each of you a brilliant 2014!

new year

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  • Vacation
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Filed Under: DMB, family, friends, IVF, list, Listen To Your Mother, memories, milestones, new year, pregnancy2, SheKnows, vacation Tagged With: DMB, family, friends, IVF, list, Listen To Your Mother, memories, milestones, new year, pregnancy2, SheKnows, vacation

There Is Still So Much More To Share…

Posted on July 21, 2013 Written by Tonya

My infertility column on SheKnows has been canceled.

My last post ran on July 1.

I am very disappointed, but extremely grateful for the opportunity to discuss my battle with secondary infertility on such a large platform and on behalf of an amazing organization. SheKnows is one of Forbes Top 100 Websites for Women and one of the Top 10 Lifestyle Sites for Women.

I know for certain my column made a difference to a lot of people. I have had several privately reach out to me to thank me for my words and I am overjoyed that I could be there for them in some small way and that they know they are not alone! Just today I e-mailed with a woman who found out she miscarried after her recent IVF. It breaks my heart, no one should know this pain.

I have been most surprised by family and friends that have shared their struggle with me. I hate that infertility is still such a taboo topic. I would have liked to have known these couples, these women in my life were struggling earlier.

Writing the column was very therapeutic for me too. Writing in general is very therapeutic for me.

Originally intended to run for two months, my column ran for six. I am very proud of the 24 posts I wrote covering everything from the best books on infertility, using humor to get through dark times, how this disease puts your marriage to the test, the importance of infertility support groups and grieving a miscarriage. I put my heart and soul into every word I shared and was pleased to do it with honesty and integrity.

If you missed any of my posts, you can find them here on the SheKnows.com site or on my personal Secondary Infertility Pinterest board. There is still so much to share because this conversation must continue, so I am working on finding another home for my words, in addition to continuing my story here on Letters For Lucas.

I would to thank my editors at SheKnows and all of my supporters, in particular, my DBA friends and Nichole Beaudry, who pretty held my hand every step of the way. xo

Related Posts:

  • She Writes
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Filed Under: DBA, gratitude, infertility, SheKnows, writing Tagged With: DBA, gratitude, In These Small Moments, infertility, SheKnows, writing

If You Had Told Me 10 Years Ago…

Posted on June 24, 2013 Written by Tonya

If you had told me 10 years ago that…

I wouldn’t have a full time job, but would be getting paid to write,

both my parents would be dead and it would take me the better part of five years to sell their house,

I’d be the mother to a four year old,

I’d be battling secondary infertility and sharing my story in my own column,

I would consider going to the grocery store alone a mini vacation,

my family would be living in an apartment,

we’d own a dog,

my sister would live less than an hour away,

I’d be walking on average 600 miles a year (usually with the dog),

I’d be playing more games of Words With Friends than reading,

my closest friends would (thank God) remain the same,

and I’d be blogging,

I would have grabbed the closest chair or wall to steady myself and then told you were absolutely nuts!

It’s true, my life has been a combination of crazy, wonderful, sad and magical. I have experienced the highest of highs and the lowest of lows over the last 10 years and in all honesty, I wouldn’t change a single thing.

Do you live with regrets?

Related Posts:

  • Even More Things I Know For Sure – NaBloPoMo
  • Old School Blogging: Reflections
  • Old School Blogging: Full-On Random

Filed Under: life, question, random, SheKnows Tagged With: life, question, random, SheKnows

What Infertility Looks Like

Posted on May 23, 2013 Written by Tonya

I don’t know when or why I started taking photos of my infertility journey, but I suppose it’s because I take photos of everything and this has been an all consuming process for the last three years. 

Also, I want to remember.

As strange as that sounds, I want to remember the hot tears, sharp needles, bruises that turn from black and blue to green and last for weeks upon weeks, waiting rooms filled with birth announcements, handfuls of pills and every single time I have wished on a shooting star, blew out a candle on a birthday cake or looked at the clock at 11:11.

Then again, how could I forget?

The only thing I know for sure, when it comes to my struggle is that it will all be worth it in the end.

If you ever wanted to know what infertility looks like, here you go:

infertility2

If you’re new to Letters For Lucas and my story, I write an infertility column over at SheKnows and I’d love for you to read it and/or or share it with someone you know battling this disease. I also have a Pinterest board dedicated to Infertility.

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Filed Under: infertility, photos, pinterest, SheKnows Tagged With: infertility, photos, pinterest, secondary infertility, SheKnows

A Chance

Posted on April 16, 2013 Written by Tonya

Kori, my Letters For You guest today is the assignment editor for SheKnows.com’s Parenting Channel and my infertility column assignment editor.

Kori and her husband have adopted four children from foster care.

Little G is one. She took a chance on her parents and is now a very important and very loved member of a family.

Letters For You

To my darling daughter,

You came to us at just shy of 7 months old. You were oh so small, so weak and a little sickly. You weren’t thrilled at all about being here. Who could blame you? We were your fifth family in your short life and you were so tired of moving; you just wanted a home. You wanted someone to love you.

As the weeks and months passed, each day you woke up as happy as can be. Always laughing. Always happy. Always content.

And though no one would know it, I wasn’t sure that you would ever love us.

You wouldn’t let us hold you close. Yes, you were content to sit on my lap or play on the floor by my side or be carried around the house. You would smile and giggle, and sometimes even laugh a big belly laugh. But if I wanted to pull you close to my chest — to hold you, to comfort you, to love you — you’d push away. You’d push with all the power in your tiny arms and legs.

You didn’t want to be close to me, to Daddy or to anyone.

Even though you were still shy of a year old, you had figured out that you shouldn’t get close to people so fast. Why should you? I’m sure you thought we might leave you and pass you off to the next family.

And so our lives went on, day by day without issue. You were happy from the time you woke in the morning until you slept at night. You were much quieter than the rest of our kids — and let’s be honest, you were much better behaved. And then one night, we decided to leave all of you with a sitter while we took a class just a few steps away. Even though you had been in our family for many months, this would be your first time away from us since the day we met.

Not one hour into the class, you couldn’t take it anymore. The always-happy little one was now a crying — no — a bawling mess. When I scooped you up to take you home, your sobs were uncontrollable. Your whole body was shaking and you couldn’t catch your breath.

You cried for hours long after we were back home. When Daddy put you to sleep in your crib, you were still sobbing. Moments after he closed the door, your sobs turned to bloodcurdling screams. And soon, we had you back downstairs with us again. We sat on the floor playing with you and soon your tears turned to laughter and then night turned to early morn. Finally, you fell to sleep and all was well.

I knew that you had cried because you didn’t want us to leave — and secretly, that made me a little happy.

Over the next few days and weeks things changed. The baby who pushed me away so strongly, now wasn’t pushing so hard, and gradually, I began to believe you might really love us.

Now that little, weak, happy (yet apprehensive) baby isn’t a baby anymore. You are now my big, beautiful 3-year-old girl. You love getting big hugs, sitting on mommy’s lap at the computer and climbing all over Daddy on the floor. We can pull you close… very close. And you don’t even slightly wriggle to get away.

And now, nearly three years since you arrived in our family, without a doubt, I know that you love us.

Anyway, little G. I just wanted to say one thing… thanks for giving us a chance.

Love,
Mommy

kori

Follow Kori on Twitter and if you’re a San Antonio Spurs fan, be sure to check out her SpursTalk site.

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Filed Under: guest post, Letters For You, SheKnows Tagged With: adoption, guest post, Letters For You, SheKnows

Listen To Your Mother

Posted on March 8, 2013 Written by Tonya

I’ve been sharing my words on Letters For Lucas for four years this coming August.

I started freelancing over a year ago.

I have had my own column since January.

And yet, I’m still finding my voice and navigating through my emotions to find out who I am and don’t yet consider myself a writer in the truest sense, but I do have a story to tell.

A month ago today, I submitted a very personal piece of my writing to Listen To Your Mother, the national series of live readings by local writers in celebration of Mother’s Day.

I was honored to be asked to audition.

A week ago, I read my submission.

It’s one thing to have a blog and publish posts that only a handful of people read and comment on, it’s another thing entirely to read your words out loud. To truly own them and give them life and emphasis. During my audition, I was focused but I shook the whole time. My voice trembled but I walked out feeling confident and relieved.

Today, I learned I have been cast!

I can’t describe how excited I am about this opportunity. I haven’t had a lot of good news in life lately and this has come at the perfect time. I’m already feeling more inspired to share my story and be moved by those of my fellow Sacramento cast members.

I am thoroughly looking forward to the next few weeks; the rehearsals leading up to the show, meeting new people, embracing this fresh flow of creativity, stepping out of my comfort zone, being a part of something bigger than me and having my very own Listen To Your Mother experience.

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Filed Under: blog, Listen To Your Mother, SheKnows, writing Tagged With: blog, Listen To Your Mother, SheKnows, writing

Change Is (Mostly) Good

Posted on February 25, 2013 Written by Tonya

I can’t believe we have to move.

Even though I knew it was coming, it feels like the rug has been pulled out from underneath me.

My chest is cramping with stress and the lists running through my head are giving me the spins.

The last few days have been chaos amidst boxes and packing tape, furniture pads and piles.

So many piles.

We’ve decided whether to save, sell, donate or store countless items.

Another new address.

Temporary, but still.

Change.

I don’t like change.

Especially on top of all our regular everyday stresses…

Deadlines.

Appointments.

Trips to the grocery store.

Laundry.

Late nights.

Early mornings.

Errands.

Exercise.

Phone calls to make and return.

Full In Boxes.

Bills.

Lunches to prepare.

A chipped tooth and an emergency visit to the dentist.

Infertility treatments.

A dog with warts in his mouth (Ugh. Don’t ask!).

Birthday presents to purchase.

Swim lessons.

Responsibilities.

Life.

But, I don’t have any more going on in my life than you, in fact your To Do list probably looks a lot like mine. Sure the tasks may differ, but the intent behind the reminders is the same and I’m sure the strong desire to cross items off is too!

The older I get the more I realize change can be exciting and a move doesn’t have to be all that stressful. It’s a huge pain-in-the-ass, but I know it’ll all get done.

Plus, there’s a lot of really great stuff going on right now too. Lucas, for one is very excited about living in an apartment complex that has not one, but three pools! We are looking forward to a fun Spring and Summer and finding a house by Fall.

I’m not going to be posting here as much over the next few weeks, so bear with me. Having said that, my infertility column over at SheKnows is still of the utmost importance to me and you can find a new post there every Monday through May. Today’s offering is Acupuncture for infertility: On pins and needles. Please read and share! 

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Filed Under: acupuncture, challenges, change, life, list, move, SheKnows Tagged With: acupuncture, challenges, change, life, list, move, SheKnows

Dear Kids

Posted on January 23, 2013 Written by Tonya

Laura of A(n) (un)common Family and Editor for SheKnows Parenting and allParenting,so essentially, my boss is my Letters For You guest today with a truly beautiful love letter to the brightest lights in her life, her children.

Grab the Kleenex, this one might get ‘cha.

It is a true honor to have her writing for me for a change. 🙂

Letters For You

Dear Mattix and Molley,

I often say that motherhood is the job I never knew I wanted so much until I had it.

And that’s the truth.

I knew I wanted to be a mom. I knew that without kids, I’d always feel like I was missing something.

But I wasn’t in a big hurry. I wanted to finish school. And then law school. I wanted to buy our house and enjoy even more time with your dad.

I was young when your dad and I got married, but I knew what I wanted in life.

I just didn’t know how much I wanted it.

Like most moms I know, I became a mom for selfish reasons. I wanted kids. I wanted all of the work, risks and huge, immeasurable rewards that come with parenting.

And then, after your dad and I committed to parenthood and laid our souls bare to complete strangers whose permission we needed to become parents, and after a lot of time and waiting and stress that words will never capture, I was a mom.

And suddenly, it all made sense – the reason for breathing.

I finally understood unconditional love. I never had – and I never will – feel that kind of love for anyone other than my children.

We adopted you both, but make no mistake. We didn’t “save” you or “rescue” you or “give a better life” to you or do any of those things you might hear one day – the things some people might say, certainly well-meaning, because you were born in other countries and became our kids in a less traditional way.

You both completed us. At just 4- and 5-years old, you’ve already given your dad and me more than I could have hoped for in an entire lifetime. And I know that the best is yet to come.

Sometimes I lie in bed at night and wonder what I can do to make the world even again. I was given two gifts. “Gifts” is a silly, trivial word. But I don’t know how better to describe the privilege I have of raising you both.

I owe the universe something so big that I’ll never find a way to pay it back.

I know that you are not mine alone. You were brought into the world by other moms – moms that are just as real and significant as me. Sometimes I feel sad that they don’t get to see what I do every single day – the magic you bring to the world, the light in your eyes, your smiles, your intelligence, your amazing senses of humor.

Other times, I feel sad that you won’t know people in this world who look just like you. I look exactly like Grammy and Great Grammy and even your Great, Great Grammy when she was still with us. There’s comfort in that.

I sometimes wonder if I would feel this way no matter how I became a mom – would I feel my kids are gifts to the world, even if I’d chosen to birth them? I probably would. But I don’t know because I didn’t travel that road.

As far as I can tell, you both radiate something special from the inside out. It shines – through your eyes that sparkle, through your radiant smiles and through your alternating sweet and sassy words that both make me cry and make me laugh. (Okay, and let’s be honest. Those words sometimes make me count down the minutes until bedtime.)

I always feel justified in my opinions of you both because you’re not little “me’s.” You don’t share my genes and you’re both so different – from each other and from me. You’re both unique and you were born the way you were born, independent of your dad and me.

I sometimes see similarities in us, but those are just coincidental. Mattix, your anxiety over new situations breaks my heart because I know how hard it is to experience that, but it also means that you’ll carefully think through your actions and make the best of everything.

Molley, your extreme stubbornness will get in your way sometimes – trust me – but it will serve you well when you need to reach deep for an inner strength that life demands.

You don’t have to live up to anything – you just have to be the best people you’re capable of being and maximize your potential. I want you to live happy, successful lives. Different people define happiness and success differently. I’ll trust your definitions. (Within reason, of course. Let’s not be silly. I’m a mom, after all.)

We’ll have great days and we’ll have hard days. We’ve already had plenty of both.

There will be days when you’ll want to scream at me and there will be days when you’ll want my hugs and love.

There will be days when I don’t want you to go to bed because I want just a little more time with you and there will be days when bedtime – and a glass of wine – cannot come soon enough. We’ve already had both.

But one thing is certain: There will never be a day when I’m not grateful for the privilege of raising you.

Love, Mom

Screen shot 2013-01-22 at 11.42.36 PM

Follow Laura on Facebook, Pinterest and Twitter.

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Filed Under: guest post, Letters For You, SheKnows Tagged With: A(n) (un)common Family, guest post, Letters For You, SheKnows

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