Letters For Lucas

Wonders, Mishaps, Blunders and Joy.. commentary on my life as a mom in the form of letters to my son

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Be Here

Posted on January 28, 2014 Written by Tonya

I study photographs of him and will them to come to life.

Just one more conversation.

Meet my son.

Put your hand on my belly and feel your granddaughter.

Share a beer and a laugh with your son-in-law. 

Be here.

My father would have been 67 today.

I can’t believe he (and my mother) have been gone almost seven years.

Does it ever really sink in?

Does the hurt ever stop?

MSA 1947-2007

Michael Stephen Adams 1947-2007

Baby girl is due tomorrow but could have been delivered today.

It was almost a guarantee.

For over a week she was breech and my OB was trying to talk me into having an ECV (External Cephalic Version), a procedure done at the hospital where she and a nurse manually (from the outside) try to flip the baby. My OB said the procedure is only successful half the time and the other half leads to labor, hence the reason it’s done at hospital. It can be very painful and must be done within the 37 and 38th weeks of pregnancy.

I opted not to have the procedure and instead sought help from a chiropractor trained in the Webster technique, involving assessing and correcting any misalignments in the pelvic and low back area helping to keep the ligaments and muscles, which support the uterus, relaxed. I also saw my acupuncturist and performed yoga type movements twice a day and used visualization to move her on my own.

Just to be safe, however, my OB wanted me to schedule a C-section. The VERY last way I wanted to deliver this baby (you can read about my birth plan here)!!

When discussing dates, she said the earliest she could do one would be January 28. I was taken aback to say the least. Knowing my due date is January 29, I always known that it was a possibility that my father and daughter could share a birthday, but I really wanted her to have her own special day. When my OB came up with the date solely based on surgery room availability and her own personal schedule and knowing nothing about the significance to my family, I thought it might be meant to be. My father was my hero and I miss him every day and what better way to pay homage to him than having his granddaughter on his birthday.

A week after making the appointment, baby girl flipped and has been head down ever since! I am equal parts relieved and melancholy. The day is still young, so anything can happen, but with the 7:45 AM C-section canceled, I can’t help but be curious to see if she will choose today to be here.

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Filed Under: acupuncture, grief, milestones, MSA, pregnancy2 Tagged With: acupuncture, grief, milestones, MSA, pregnancy2

Two Heartbeats

Posted on January 17, 2014 Written by Tonya

Waking with a start at 1:18 AM, I am tangled up in sheets. I’m hot and breathless. I sigh heavily and then listen. The house is still. The bedroom window is cracked opened and I hear a car whiz down our street and the distant barking of a dog. Downstairs, I hear Charlie’s collar, but luckily he doesn’t respond to his canine cousin. I throw my legs over the side of the bed and my husband moans and asks if I’m okay. “Yep” is my only reply afraid to wake up too much.

I am up and need to pee.

I make my way to the bathroom in the dark, quickly wash my hands and find myself back in bed within minutes.

Finding a comfortable position is next to impossible so I toss and turn and try a few different pillow configurations but end up giving in and reaching for my phone on the nightstand. The illuminating light is too much so I quickly go into my Settings and turn it down.

I proceed to spend the next hour responding to text messages received the day before, cleaning up my e-mail In Box and playing 11 waiting Words With Friends games. I also check my calendar for the day ahead and get lost in daydreams of gorgeous decor, insightful quotes, scrumptious looking recipes and far away places on Pinterest. I contemplate heading to the couch in the playroom to read.

Suddenly I realize I am not alone. My husband is snoring rhythmically next to me, but there is someone else.

The middle of my body starts to slowly twitch and roll. I put my phone down and place both palms on my belly. It’s a wonderful and indescribable feeling. With less than two weeks left of this pregnancy, I know I will miss this feeling.

Soon my baby girl and I will no longer share heartbeats.

heartbeat

 

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Filed Under: iphone, pinterest, pregnancy2, quotes, simple joys, sleep Tagged With: iphone, pinterest, pregnancy2, quotes, simple joys, sleep

You Know You’re 37 Weeks Pregnant When…

Posted on January 8, 2014 Written by Tonya

The last month of pregnancy feels strangely like the first month of pregnancy, you’re tired all the time, uncomfortable and walk around in a complete state of disbelief.

I’ve had a great pregnancy with very few of the typical “negative” symptoms that usually accompany these very long nine+ months and I am grateful to have gotten this far without incident, but there are some things about these last few weeks that just make me want to laugh or cry, depending on my hormone level…

12 ways you know you're pregnant

  1. In the two hours you are out of the house, you have visited three public restrooms.
  2. You can burst into tears, lose your temper and/or fall asleep at the drop of a hat.
  3. You have reached a point when you can no longer put your own shoes on and socks are difficult too because you can’t see your feet and it’s just too hard!
  4. You wonder if your boobs will ever look normal again.
  5. Shaving is done with blind ambition.
  6. You make five dozen cookies, a cheese ball and assemble a lasagna at 5 o’clock in the morning because you can’t sleep!
  7. Your feet are so swollen that you can squeeze them and leave indentations. So unattractive!
  8. When you feel a sneeze coming on, you’re terrified you’re going to pee in your pants. 
  9. Your husband makes more grunts when helping you off the couch than you do.
  10. You think the strangest combinations of food sound good and have indulged in them. More than once.
  11. There is no sweeter sound than hearing your baby’s heartbeat or watching her move on a small black-and-white screen.
  12. You could deliver at any moment and you are both terrified and over the moon excited.

It won’t be long now…

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Filed Under: funny, list, pregnancy2 Tagged With: funny, list, pregnancy2

All My Bags Are Packed

Posted on January 7, 2014 Written by Tonya

I’ve only been once before and it was over four years ago, but once again, I am about to embark on a journey of a lifetime and I can’t wait. There was a large part of me that didn’t think I’d ever be back here.  

robe, slippers, warm socks,

I had a relatively good time the first time around, although I had no clue what to expect and nothing to compare it to. All I remember about my last visit was feeling equal parts petrified and excited and so much love.

hair dryer, hair ties, face wash, make up bag,

I pulled up my old check list as I tried to recall what I brought along last time, what I actually needed and what I could have used but didn’t have.

favorite snacks, phone charger, books and magazines for any downtime,

I had friends remind me and did some research on the Internet.

important documents (health insurance card, per-registration papers, birth plan), pen and paper, prescription medications,

It’s a rare occasion when you don’t know exactly when you’ll be leaving or how long you might be staying.

mementos from home, a present for big brother, my own pillow,

Where I’m going, there is no need for a reservation, ticket or passport. Turns out  my destination is just 2.58 miles away from my house, but this is a trip that will change my and my family’s lives forever. I’m ready!

and one very special going home outfit.

suitcase

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Filed Under: lyrics, pregnancy, pregnancy2, vacation Tagged With: lyrics, pregnancy, pregnancy2, vacation

The Birth Plan

Posted on January 3, 2014 Written by Tonya

While I know can’t control anything about my baby’s arrival, I can create a birth plan, the in a perfect world, if the stars are aligned, ideal scenario of how I’d like my baby’s birth to be handled.

Long before I was pregnant with Lucas, I had always wanted a natural un-medicated birth without unnecessary medical or chemical intervention whatsoever and whenever I would express this to family and friends, I would get an eye roll or pat on the shoulder with a condescending, “oh, okay”. I didn’t know anyone who had done this before, although much of my mother’s delivery of my sister had been un-medicated and I figured if she could do it, I could too. Plus, I have a high tolerance for pain and I felt it was what our bodies are designed to do, so why not let them do it?

Upon getting pregnant I did my research, because knowledge is power. I read everything I could get my hands on, watched documentaries, talked to doctors, doulas, midwives and women who had both successful and scary home births and women who had had prolonged hospital labors with and without drugs. I wanted to learn everything I could about positive and negative effects of epidurals, Pitocin, and other drugs and intervention, C-sections and creating the best possible birthing team. 

At the end of all my research, I decided that this was a very personal choice and that only I had the power to plan the kind of birth that was right for me. The birth experience is a very personal thing. It’s not for me to say what you should do, but I can tell you what I chose to do.

I chose to hire a doula to help guide me through labor and delivery, labor at home for as long as I could, but deliver at the hospital and completely without drugs.

Once I made this decision and shared it with anyone who asked, the “oh, okay’s” were back and I could tell that no one really believed I could or would go through with it, including my own OB/Gyn! 

Guess what? I did it! And yes, it was a pain like I had never experienced before or since and it most certainly did not happen how I had planned hoped; my doula never showed up, my soothing birth day playlist was never played, candles weren’t lit and all breathing and visualization techniques were forgotten, but my labor went extremely fast and by the time we arrived at the hospital I was already 8 centimeters dilated and my water broke on the delivery table. The nursing staff was incredibly supportive and empowered me in just the ways I needed.

I was an active participant in my child’s birth and that was all I cared about. Neither of us were doped up afterwards and within a couple of hours, I could get up and walk around.

Lucas Hospital - Version 2

Lucas, just hours old.

I hope to have a similar experience with baby #2, but only time will tell…

What kind of delivery did you plan for and what kind did you end up having?

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Filed Under: controversial topics, doodlebug, motherhood, pregnancy, pregnancy2, question, women Tagged With: controversial topics, doodlebug, motherhood, pregnancy, pregnancy2, question, women

The Year That Was

Posted on January 1, 2014 Written by Tonya

I love new years, fresh starts and having a calendar full of blank pages just aching to be filled with fun activities and new memories.

I also enjoy looking back on the year that was and 2013 was a big one for me and my family. Here are some of our highlights, many of which I have shared here, click on links for posts you may have missed.

January
I discovered Cardio Barre and became obsessed, attending classes two to three times per week through May.

My first infertility post ran on SheKnows. The column ran for six months and still helps woman today.

February
I submitted a piece I wrote called We Are Enemies to Listen To Your Mother in Sacramento.

March
I auditioned for Listen To Your Mother and was selected to be a part of the 2013 cast!

We were kicked out of the house we were renting because of our dog and moved into a two-bedroom apartment.

On St. Patrick’s Day, I had my second egg retrieval.

My girlfriend and I attended a Sweet 16 NCAA basketball game… U of A (our alma mater) vs. Ohio.

April
In order to detox, I drank a smoothie a day for the entire month and went on a strict no buying program!

May
We transferred one embryo and it worked!!

I met my sister’s boyfriend for the first time.

June
Charlie Pasta turned one year old!

Lucas turned four years old!

I saw Mumford & Sons and Beyonce in concert.

Lucas went to his first baseball game.

After the better part of five years, my sister and I finally sold our parents house in Tucson.

I celebrated my 41st birthday.

July
We spent Fourth of July weekend in Santa Barbara.

I made it to 12 weeks!

I saw Justin Timberlake and Jay Z in concert and to date, it was one of the best!!

August
My husband and I celebrated our sixth anniversary and we found out we were having a girl!

Lucas spent three nights with his grandparents while Todd and I were in Monterrey.

Lucas and I spent a fun beach day with Robin and her family in San Diego.

I graduated from my fertility doctor’s office.

Letters for Lucas turned four years old!

September
We spent Labor Day weekend in La Jolla.

My dear friend, Nichole flew down from Sacramento for one night to join me at a Dave Matthews Band concert.

October
We lit sky lanterns and remembered our parents six years later.

I saw Katy Perry & Friends in concert with my sister.

My sister and I took Lucas to visit my aunt and uncle in Dallas.

November
We moved into our new house!!

I saw Justin Timberlake in concert again!

I made it to the critical 32 week point of my pregnancy.

December
Lucas started going to preschool four days a week

We hosted Christmas in our new house.

I calculated that I walked 365 miles this year!

I’m looking forward to all that lies ahead and wishing each of you a brilliant 2014!

new year

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Filed Under: DMB, family, friends, IVF, list, Listen To Your Mother, memories, milestones, new year, pregnancy2, SheKnows, vacation Tagged With: DMB, family, friends, IVF, list, Listen To Your Mother, memories, milestones, new year, pregnancy2, SheKnows, vacation

Dear Baby Girl

Posted on December 31, 2013 Written by Tonya

My first Letters For Lucas post was Dear Baby Boy, a letter I wrote to Lucas before he was born. I wrote this letter when my heart was light and my cares were few. I was bursting in anticipation to meet our son and loved every minute of being pregnant with him. Looking back, I took my entire pregnancy for granted. I was native. I didn’t realize at the time what a miracle getting pregnant and staying pregnant was. A long hard three and half year battle with secondary infertility would teach me what a gift bringing a child into this world truly is.

Our baby girl will be here very soon and I know her arrival is going to be something I will have a hard time putting into words. It’s hard for my brain to go there even now as I feel her slowly move and adjust inside my belly. I can’t wait to meet her and hold her and kiss her and be her mother. 

I wrote the following letter on Sunday, December 22 at 3:53 AM, I was 35 weeks pregnant:

Dear Baby Girl,

In just a few short weeks you will be here and I’m feeling surreal, scared and overwhelmingly happy. Finally, after years of trying, years of hoping and wishing and praying for you, you will be here.

My daughter. I never thought I would be the mother of a daughter, but now I can’t wait! It is such a wonderful time to be a woman in this world and I already know what a fighter you are.

You aren’t even here yet and I have fallen madly and completely in love with you and you will never know how much I have dreamt about the day we meet, in fact just thinking about it makes my heart twinge and eyes fill with tears. You are so very wanted and we have been waiting for you for so very long.

This is an exciting time for our family, we just moved into a beautiful new house but I know it won’t be until after your arrival that it starts to feel like a home; that it feels complete.

Your brother is anxious to meet you too and is already very protective of you. I hope the two of you will be the best of friends and that you protect him as well. He is an amazing boy and I know he will be a good big brother to you. Some day when your father and I are gone, he will be all you have left of us. Be there for one another and always be strengthening your relationship.

I know that you and I will have our ups and downs but we are forever bonded as mother and daughter and I will cherish you and our relationship always. May you never ever doubt my love.

Anxiously awaiting your arrival.

With all my love,
your mother

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more.

– A Thousand Years, Christina Perri

(This was my “go to” song so many times throughout this journey to have you and I love the lyrics.)

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Filed Under: gratitude, home, infertility, love, lyrics, motherhood, MY FIRST POST, my letters, pregnancy2, siblings Tagged With: gratitude, home, infertility, love, lyrics, motherhood, MY FIST POST, my letters, pregnancy2, siblings

Sip & See: Invitations & Birth Announcements

Posted on December 29, 2013 Written by Tonya

Admittedly I was aloof about family and friends offering to host a baby shower for us before our baby girl arrived. Their generosity and excitement is much appreciated and definitely shared, but we have waited and worked so long to get (and stay) pregnant that I really wanted to focus on having a healthy pregnancy and our baby getting here before we celebrated.

Now that her due date is fast approaching (ONE MONTH FROM TODAY!!), I’m starting to look at invitations for a Sip & See, a casual type of baby shower that’s held AFTER baby arrives instead of before. Friends and family are invited to drop by “open house style” within a certain time frame to meet the baby (see) and enjoy light food & drinks (sip). Whenever I need invites or announcements of any kind, I always like to check out Minted. Their designs are simple, yet elegant and just perfect. There are tons of themes, colors and styles to choose from and they use only the finest paper stock, richest inks and crisp high quality printing.

Just look at these swoon-worthy invites…. can you help me choose one?!

MIN-CI8-BSH-001_A_PD

Click on image for more details.

MIN-Y75-BSH-001_A_PD

Click on image for more details.

MIN-71Y-BSH-001_A_PD

Click on image for more details.

MIN-BQ5-BSH-001_A_PD

Click on image for more details.

Each one is more darling than the last, right?

In the New Year, if you are expecting your own little bundle of joy or know someone that is, please consider ordering these gorgeous invitations, the entire Minted baby shower invitation collection can be viewed here.

As soon as I pick ours, I promise to share it with you! Oh, and soon I’ll need to select a birth announcement too.

This post was sponsored by Minted but all opinions expressed are my own. I was not paid to write this post but did receive a Minted gift card in appreciation.

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Filed Under: doodlebug, family, friends, pregnancy2, sponsored post Tagged With: doodlebug, family, friends, Minted, pregnancy2, sponsored post

How I Beat The Post-Holiday Blues

Posted on December 28, 2013 Written by Tonya

Our first Christmas in our new house was a memorable one and the 75+ degree temperatures have been weird and wonderful. I loved having my in-laws, sister and her boyfriend staying with us and still can’t believe all of my recipes turned out exactly the way they were suppose to. I think spent more time in the kitchen over the last week than I have all year (more on this in another post)! And nothing can compare to a child’s excitement over Santa’s arrival. Lucas was a ball of energy all week!

But now it’s over.

Just like that.

For me the worst part of Christmas is the aftermath: the tree has been taken down, most of the gifts have either been exchanged, returned for the correct size or put away, the last of the pie has been eaten, family and friends have gone home, the mailbox is no longer bursting with greetings and thank you cards have been started.

It’s sad.

So much excitement and anticipation goes into prepping for the holidays and then all at once, it’s over and the warm fuzzy feelings disappear.

Here are some ways I like to combat the post-holiday blues:

  • Create a scrapbook or fun collage to commemorate holiday memories.

PicMonkey Collage2

  • Begin (or in my case, resume) an exercise program. I went for a walk this morning and it was mind clearing and felt great.
  • Daydream about summer and our next family vacation. We’re thinking Mexico and yes, with a new baby!
  • Do something productive… as if I haven’t been productive the last few months, making a baby and moving, etc., but I spent some time getting Lucas signed up for swim lessons, soccer and researched karate classes. I also packed a bag for the hospital and renewed my domain name. All of these tasks have been on my To Do list for weeks and I’m glad to have them behind me.
  • Treat myself. Like me, chances are you have been cooking and baking for family and friends and buying for others, so now is the time to schedule a massage or hair appointment, or some quiet time alone to curl up with a good book (or my brand new Kindle Paperwhite!!).
  • I know I’m not the only one that feels this way, so I reached out to a friend and we had a great phone call recapping the last few days and planning for the upcoming weeks.

How do you avoid the post holiday blues?

Whatever you do to get through this time, know that these feelings will soon pass and more good times are in store!

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Filed Under: advice, aunt leah, challenges, family, friends, gifts, grandparents, holidays, home, list, me time, memories, photos, pregnancy2, question, vacation, weather Tagged With: advice, aunt leah, challenges, family, freinds, gifts, grandparents, holidays, home, list, me time, photos, pregnancy2, vacation, weather

‘Twas The Week Before Christmas

Posted on December 17, 2013 Written by Tonya

‘Twas the week before Christmas and all through the house
There were piles and messes and somewhere a spouse.
With all the shopping, decorating, cards and baking,
‘Tis the season, there was no mistaking.

With family on their way and a new home to set up,
The pressure inside my head is about to make me erupt!
With my to do, to buy, to return and to wrap list long,
I couldn’t help wondering where I’d done wrong.

I’m an organized person, I should be more on the ball,
But with a busy four year old on top of being 34 weeks pregnant, I’m afraid I can’t do it all!
Carrying a heavy load and wanting everything to be perfect,
Is not only stupid, it’s highly unrealistic!

With visions of a new baby girl swirling around my head,
It dawned on me that I need to take a step back in order to avoid all the dread.
It’ll all get done, one way or another.
I’m not a super hero, just another busy mother.

So with only seven days left to prepare
For only one of the biggest holidays of the year,
I’m raising my red flag and asking for HELP,
Seriously. Anyone will do, just yelp!

It’s taken me a while to learn that the holidays are meant for making memories and having fun,
Not crossing stuff off a list that you’ve done.
So instead of being busy, stressed out and uptight,
I’ve decided to light a fire, sit in front of the tree and put up my feet tonight.

I hope your week goes according to plan,
But if not, take after me and ask for a helping hand,
And above all else, please make time to enjoy,
Surround yourself with smiles, laughter, love, cookies and joy!

tree4

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Filed Under: holidays, home, poem, pregnancy2 Tagged With: holidays, home, poem, pregnancy2

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