list

My Best Of 2012

Posted on December 30, 2012 Written by Tonya

This time of the year is notorious for lists, round-ups, best ofs and worst ofs and like them or hate them, these lists tell us where we’ve been and show us where we’re going.

While I did launch my freelance writing career, which I am extremely proud of and grateful for, I didn’t write as much (only 125 new posts) on Letters For Lucas in 2012 as I would have liked and when I did, it was because I had to. My words needed to be expressed so that I might in some small way better understand myself, motherhood, my secondary infertility journey, the deaths of my parents, growing older, family dynamics, love, gratitude and the world around me. My favorite posts are the ones I write from the heart, edit like crazy and share with much trepidation.

Here is a list of my favorite Letters For Lucas posts in 2012. If you missed one or are new to my blog, please catch up and be sure to leave your thoughts in the comments!

Also, I encourage you to read the 46 incredible letters shared this year for my weekly series, Letters For You. I am so grateful for my guests and appreciate them sharing their touching words here.

My Best of 2012:

January – Ashes To Ashes, where I contemplate what to do with my parents ashes, which still remain in my closet.

February – I’m Still In Shock, an unfortunate and very messy pre potty training incident that still makes me cringe. If nothing else, check this post out for the after photo!

March – My Body, where I both praise and curse my body for it’s successes and failures.

April – You Know You’re A Writer When…, an exploration of what it means to be a blogger, writer or both.

May – We Are Enemies, one of the grittiest posts I’ve shared about wanting to meet Infertility in a dark alley and kicking the shit out of it.

June – 40 Things To Do While I’m 40, a list that requires both some revising and additions or at the very least an update post.

July – The Good Stuff, a raw admission that parents are not perfect.

August – This Time It’s Personal, a recap after a much needed blogging break, complete with photos.

September – Sound Off, where I stopped to listen and shared what I heard.

October – Beach Therapy, Lucas and my husband finally talked me into going camping and I had a blast!

Preserving Family History, with the help of my aunt and uncle, I share a brief history of my father and his family’s hardware store.

November – For The Love (& Hate) Of Facebook, an ode to my favorite ~~pastime~~ waste of time.

December – Blur, where I describe almost buying my deceased father a Christmas present.

I loved sifting through my blog archives to find my best post(s) for each month of 2012 and I hope you found something that resonated with you.

Wishing all my readers a very happy, healthy and prosperous 2013! May the New Year hold all kinds of wonderful for you and yours.

Linking up with Mommy of a Monster’s Best of 2012: My Favorite Posts of the Year.

Joy

Posted on December 19, 2012 Written by Tonya

1. Looking at photos of my wedding day. Not only were my parents there, but also some of my favorite people in the world plus, it was the day I married my best friend (not to be confused with the best friend I mention in #9).

2. Anytime it’s just me and Lucas in the car. He asks a million questions about what he sees out the window and life in general and I do my best to answer him. Such a curious little buddy.

3. Hearing Lucas sing quietly in his bedroom.

4. A workout that leaves my heart racing and my body super sweaty.

5. Seeing the porch light on upon arriving home.

6. The first sip of a iced Chai tea latte.

7. My sister’s hugs.

8. Starting a new book.

9. Sharing a glass (or bottle) of wine with my BFF, Colleen while we compare parenting notes, commiserate over sick children, family members and too much to do, gossip or crack each other up over the great Dylan McDermott/Dermot Mulroney debate.

Joy is what happens to us when we allow ourselves to recognize how good things really are. – Marianne Williamson

I hope your holiday is filled with immense joy, love and laughter!

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop and yes, it is my second entry for this week, Prompt #5 List the top 9 things that bring you joy.

Playlist

Posted on December 13, 2012 Written by Tonya

Music helps me.

For as long as I can remember I have sang along to my favorite songs and other tunes that I just couldn’t escape. For every major milestone in my life, I can associate a song. Certain lyrics speak to me and make me feel better; or worse depending on my mood. But they always assure me I am in good company; that someone in the world has felt exactly what I am.

I’ve shared some of my favorite workout tunes before and that playlist is ever growing and changing. I need songs to lift me up and give me that extra ump to sweat a little longer, run a little faster and challenge myself.

I’ve had a little bit too much
All of the people start to rush.
Start to rush babe.
A dizzy twister dance
Can’t find my drink or man.
Where are my keys, I lost my phone.

Just Dance – Lady Gaga

While planning my wedding I put together a playlist of timeless love songs and listened to it as I got ready, walked down the stairs of our house, out into our backyard and met my groom. From there on, a solo guitarist took over, but whenever I play that playlist, I am right back there taking my father arm and descending the staircase.

You know me better than that
Think I’d leave you down
When you’re down on your knees?
I wouldn’t do that

By Your Side – Sade

When my parents died, I created a playlist of songs that would guarantee to make me cry. Like big ugly, crocodile tears cry because sometimes I’d walk around for days with a lump in my throat and finally just had to let it out. I’d give in, press play on a playlist I called “Amazing Grace” because that was one of my mother’s favorite songs and let the tears flow. It is a healing mix of deeply personal songs and family favorites and I always felt a little better afterward hearing it. A good cry often has that effect.

But all that I know is I’m breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing now

Keep Breathing – Ingrid Michaelson

Before Lucas was born I put together a collection of songs aptly titled, “Birth Day” that I had hoped to listen to while in labor. Things moved too fast for me to even grab my iPod the night he was born, but I listened to that compilation over and over and over in the weeks and days leading up to his arrival. The songs were dreams I had for my son, uplifting and hopeful.

My wish for you
Is that this life becomes all that you want it to
Your dreams stay big, your worries stay small
You never need to carry more than you can hold

My Wish – Rascal Flatts

This year I made a new playlist full of songs of empowerment, triumph, strength and promise. Each one screams: don’t give up! They have become my anthems.

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I love you for a thousand more

A Thousand Years – Christina Perri

I am pretty sure the artists included on this list weren’t singing about infertility, but they work.

For me.

What are your go-to songs when you need a good cry, a swift kick in the pants or gobs of inspiration?

Making A List

Posted on August 27, 2012 Written by Tonya

Just days after my parents died, I made a list of all the people I knew that had also lost a parent too soon.

It seems like such a strange thing to do, right?

I suppose it made me feel a little better and not so alone.

These were friends that will understand what I’m going through, I thought. They will be able to offer me some magical healing words of comfort for surely they know something I don’t.

My grief was fresh and I was searching for answers to questions I had not quite been able to articulate yet.

There were 12 names on my list.

12.

12 friends that share this unending sadness.

13 souls gone.

Some of friendships became stronger because of this new awful thing we had in common, or at least I felt closer to these people and even got a few of them to talk with me about their grief.

For some, I believe the pain was (and is) buried so deep and is too raw that there is no conversation about their loss, let alone mine. I respect and love them regardless.

There was one name included on the list, a friend of Todd’s that I had never even met. Karen. She was the only other person I knew of that has lost both of her parents tragically and at the same time.

Karen became my hero that first year I learned to live in a world without my mother and father, spending hours on the phone with me talking me through the unbearable pain and trials and tribulations of being an executor of an estate. She was a year ahead of me in the process and eons wiser in my mind. I will forever be grateful to her.

As odd as it may be, I continue to add names to my list and recently there was one more.

We are all related in sorrow.

Puppies & Preschoolers

Posted on August 9, 2012 Written by Tonya

In addition to feeling so sleep deprived I can’t even see straight and riddled with worried that I’m doing something terribly wrong, puppies and preschoolers are similar in a lot more ways than I thought:

Both require A LOT of gear. I thought we were prepared before we brought Charlie Pasta home on Tuesday, but I have made two trips to PetCo and one to Target to get MORE stuff.
Both love being chased around the backyard and it is a joy to watch.
Both love snacks / treats throughout the day.
Potty training both (or either) at the sane time (anytime) is a huge pain-in-the-ass/nearly impossible/difficult.
I have checked both while they were sleeping to make sure they were still breathing.
Both get a lot of photographs taken of them, which is good for them because they also both LOVE to be the center of attention.

A boy and his dog.

Both cry for what they want. And usually get it. CASE AND POINT: me sleeping next to the crate so he won’t be lonely. Oh, my aching back and bleeding heart!
Both want to be right underfoot at all times. I admit that I have stepped on both more than once and I have accepted the fact that I will never pee alone again.
Both mistake bedtime for playtime. CASE AND POINT: of the FIVE times I let Charlie out last night, he only peed ONCE. Sigh…
Both smell like magic, can bring a smile to your face no matter what mood you’re in and are always happy to see you.
Both are absolute angels when they are asleep.

Are you kidding me? I die!

While it is not without it’s challenges, parenthood and puppyhood are two of the best roles I’ve ever had and I am over the moon with delight with the latest, but I am so looking forward to Charlie sleeping through the night.

My Best Side

Posted on August 2, 2012 Written by Tonya

July sucked.

I was SO happy to turn the page on my calendar yesterday. Yes, there were some memorable moments, but for the most part I am more than ready to move on. July really brought out the worst in me.

I wrote a post earlier this week called The Yucky Side, where I shared just that; all the super crappy qualities about myself.

As I ring in a new month, I want to share the good stuff. I figure, new month, new attitude!

I like this version of myself…

the one that says she’ll do something and 9 out of 10 times does.

the one that is energetic and enthusiastic, ready to do just about anything at least once.

the one that asks poignant questions with genuine curiosity and waits to hear and process the answers before wanting to know more.

the one that sends cards and text messages to friends just to “check in” or let them know she’s thinking about them.

the one that no matter how many times she gets knocked down, always seeks the silver lining, picks herself up and keeps going.

the one that can laugh at herself, knows she’s a terrible dancer but can carry a tune.

the one that and usually learns from her mistakes and passes her wisdom on to others.

the one that would never let a friend cry alone, gets choked up at Hallmark commercials, tender innocent comments her son makes, breathtaking sunsets and a lyric in a Dave Matthews song.

the one that has the ability to multitask like no one she’s ever met, organize absolutely anything and basically knows how to get shit done.

the one that is well-rounded, interested in a variety of topics and able to hold a conversation with just about anyone.

the one that is dependable, reliable, will never lie and would drop everything to come to your aid if you’re her friend.

the one that is confident but will never put on airs or pretend to be something she is not.

the one that is strong, tough, not afraid to sweat, get her hands dirty and will go the extra mile (literally and figuratively).

the one that is passionate about reading and finds true relaxation and escape in books and will always pass on her favorites to friends.

the one that is determined, focused and willing to stand up for for she believes in.

I am human and there are many sides to me.

Thank goodness.

Have you ever fully realized that life is, after all, merely a series of habits, and that it lies entirely within one’s own power to determine just what that series shall be? ~ Ralph W. Trine

Looking Forward

Posted on July 25, 2012 Written by Tonya

I have been so down in the dumps lately with our infertility journey coming to a much needed break (for now) and the recent damage I’m having to deal with at my parents house that when I saw Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop prompts for this week, I couldn’t help but pick #1: Share one good thing you’re looking forward to.

I have found that it is so important to see the good in your life, especially when you feel like the walls are caving in around you and all you want to do is cry.

Mine is a very blessed life and I have so much more to make me smile than frown and came up with not one, but SEVEN really great things that I’m looking forward to:

1. Seeing Iris with my sister this weekend.

Click on image for source.

2. Celebrating our five year anniversary in San Francisco next weekend.

3. Bringing home our puppy home on August 7.

Taken on July 24. Puppy is 7 1/2 weeks old!

4. A new pile of books to tackle! I just read The Night Circus by Erin Morgenstern and if it is possible, it made me fall in love with reading all over again. Seriously, if you haven’t read this book, please do, it’s absolutely magical.

Here are three others I’m anxious to snuggle up with!

5. Duran Duran concert with my girlfriends on August 11!

6. Mastering the camel pose – someday, I hope! And look this elegant while doing it. Sigh.

Click on image for source.

7. More moments like this with Lucas, someone I look forward to being with every single day:

What are you looking forward to?

This post was written for Mama Kat’s Writer’s Workshop Prompt #1) Share one good thing you’re looking forward to.

Giving Thanks

Posted on July 15, 2012 Written by Tonya

All the items I included on my list last week as things I will miss when I’m gone (Ode to Nora Ephron) should be what I’m thanking this week. Instead, I have a different list (in no particular order):

1. Thank you, green lights. You instantly put me in a good mood.

2. Thank you, 8:00 PM. It’s not quite Lucas’ bedtime and as long as he’s not fighting it, he is all cuddles and snuggles.

3. Thank you, books. There is nothing like getting lost inside the pages of an epic saga, falling in love with the heroes and villains and letting my imagination run wild.

4. Thank you, first sip of wine after a very rough day. Sometimes a sip is all I need for that sweet release.

5. Thank you to the expression on Lucas’ face the moment he first sees me when I come pick him up from preschool. It is absolutely priceless. I love my son more than life itself.

6. Thank you to my husband who knows exactly when I need a break, a hug or swift kick in the ass. I honestly could not have a better partner.

7. Thank you to my parents for showing me the world (literally) and what it means to be a good, hardworking person. The honor was all mine.

8. Thank you, Dave Matthews. Your music has gotten me through some of both the best and worst times of my life and every time I hear your voice, I’m immediately calmed, hopeful or happy.

9. Thank you, writing for providing the best outlet I know for expressing myself. Starting Letters For Lucas and joining the blogging community has been one of the very best and most surprising things I have ever done for myself. I learn something new almost every day and I live for the interaction. My blog is my therapy. And WAY cheaper.

10. Thank you, brain for finally slowly down enough to let me rest each night knowing full well that my “To Do” lists and other craziness with be waiting impatiently for me in the morning.

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On March 14 I stated using the app, Gratitude Journal and ever since, each and every night I list five things that make me smile and most of the time I post my lists on Twitter or Instagram. This simple exercise has become one of the highlights of my day because giving thanks and expressing gratitude is something I strive to be better at. It truly is a beautiful thing!

What are you thanking these days?

Linking up with Stasha of The Good Life’s Monday Listicles, a meme right up my alley, because I LOVE lists! This week’s topic is THANKS.

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